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Original poster

DS14 found porn downloaded by DH - what to say?

68 replies

loveyal · 16/05/2023 12:32

So DS14 stumbled upon the temporary download folder on home computer and found porn downloaded by DH before it was removed. He didn't open it but the file name gave it away.

DS14 is enraged and wanted to talk about it. What should we say?

OP posts:
GoodChat · 16/05/2023 15:26

AuntieJune · 16/05/2023 13:06

Erm, I'd leave this one to DH to sort out, in all honesty.

And that would be something along the lines of: 'this is embarrassing, but plenty of men look at porn, you shouldn't have seen that and sorry you did but masturbation is healthy.'

I don't think he should try and normalise porn to his teenager.

Diagonalley96 · 16/05/2023 15:30

I think you just have a chat about how it’s something some adults like. Have DH apologise for leaving it out there for your son to stumble across and leave it at that. I think teens are just mortified at the idea of their parents having a sex life.

Original poster
loveyal · 16/05/2023 15:30

Speedweed · 16/05/2023 15:19

This thread's gone all over the place...

Op, why do you have to deal with the teen? Your husband has done the wrong thing, why is he not dealing with his son's reaction?

Also, it sounds as if you need to work out what your own view is of porn - the litmus test is: if you think it's a healthy thing, you would suggest to your children it's a great career for them. If your reaction is no way, I'd want something better for them, then please don't present it as a good/healthy/normal thing to an impressionable teen. Once you know what you think about it, you'll be in a better position to discuss with your son.

'Enraged' sounds like your son was revolted by whatever your husband was looking at - do you know what the film was of, has your son told you or have you watched it? If not, what if it was teen boys your husband was looking at? Or schoolgirls and old men? Consider whether you'd still be keen to present porn as a healthy normal activity to your son.

Finally, please don't link masturbation and porn, as if they always go together. Masturbation doesn't require porn as most individuals have some imagination.

Seconding the pp who suggests the husband leaving this on the family computer needs more investigation.

I'm asking for advice for both of us to say to DS. We act together. There is no point blaming each other after the fact. We focus on the same front.

Again I am saying its OK for adults absolutely not for children.

And for the contents no teen / underaged or anything nonconsensual. All consensual professional adult acts.

OP posts:
InColour · 16/05/2023 15:30

Paq · 16/05/2023 15:03

I don't know how you can be so relaxed about the consumption of porn given it's damaging and exploitative nature towards women and girls. How do you expect your DS to respect women as equals when you are excusing using them as wank fodder?

This.

I mean I suppose it's on a par with buying cheap fast fashion that you're fairly sure was made in a sweat shop. It might not have been. Or if it was, maybe some of the workers don't feel exploited?

But if you're comfortable with your choices you won't be struggling to explain to your DS.

YukoandHiro · 16/05/2023 15:31

Speedweed · 16/05/2023 15:19

This thread's gone all over the place...

Op, why do you have to deal with the teen? Your husband has done the wrong thing, why is he not dealing with his son's reaction?

Also, it sounds as if you need to work out what your own view is of porn - the litmus test is: if you think it's a healthy thing, you would suggest to your children it's a great career for them. If your reaction is no way, I'd want something better for them, then please don't present it as a good/healthy/normal thing to an impressionable teen. Once you know what you think about it, you'll be in a better position to discuss with your son.

'Enraged' sounds like your son was revolted by whatever your husband was looking at - do you know what the film was of, has your son told you or have you watched it? If not, what if it was teen boys your husband was looking at? Or schoolgirls and old men? Consider whether you'd still be keen to present porn as a healthy normal activity to your son.

Finally, please don't link masturbation and porn, as if they always go together. Masturbation doesn't require porn as most individuals have some imagination.

Seconding the pp who suggests the husband leaving this on the family computer needs more investigation.

Good advice.

What was on the file OP? I would suggest you watch it. I imagine DS did actually see it. If it was me as a teen I'd have watched and then claim I hadn't tbh.

And are your sure DS hasn't had any sexual experience? Plenty of boys have had at that age, albeit not full on PIV.

Mummy08m · 16/05/2023 15:32

loveyal · 16/05/2023 14:43

I think he's enraged because he found some very serious wrongdoing. I don't know how to explain.

Yes absolutely irresponsible and unacceptable.

I'm asking for advice to deal with the teen. The grown man has learnt his lesson.

Show quote history

serious wrongdoing omg what sick exploitative depravity is your husband into?!

If I were you I'd thank your lucky stars that you've somehow raised a teenage boy with normal principles when you and your dh seem to find watching "serious wrongdoing" a delightful leisure activity.

I just hope this is a troll post as a pp suggested.

And yes, leaving this around for your son to find, knowing that he will possibly watch it, is a type of child sexual abuse on your dh's part. Your dh sounds like a real prince.

Original poster
loveyal · 16/05/2023 15:32

Diagonalley96 · 16/05/2023 15:30

I think you just have a chat about how it’s something some adults like. Have DH apologise for leaving it out there for your son to stumble across and leave it at that. I think teens are just mortified at the idea of their parents having a sex life.

That's very good advice which DH planned to do before I started the thread. I'm always the worrier so I want to have more to say in case that's not enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
loveyal · 16/05/2023 15:52

I can see people not willing to give advice on how to deal with the problem. I have one good advice which is enough. So I would ask the thread to be removed.

OP posts:
SummerHouse · 16/05/2023 15:53

Let your DS speak. And really listen. Your DH needs to apologise unreservedly for this. It's an unforgivable, monumental fuck up on his part. Not yours. I wouldn't be presenting a united front on this and I certainly wouldn't be owning watching it together. No child needs to hear that.

It's your DH fault and he needs to set out how sorry he is and how totally inappropriate it was to allow DS to find it.

Original poster
loveyal · 16/05/2023 15:55

SummerHouse · 16/05/2023 15:53

Let your DS speak. And really listen. Your DH needs to apologise unreservedly for this. It's an unforgivable, monumental fuck up on his part. Not yours. I wouldn't be presenting a united front on this and I certainly wouldn't be owning watching it together. No child needs to hear that.

It's your DH fault and he needs to set out how sorry he is and how totally inappropriate it was to allow DS to find it.

Thank you. DH wanted to apologise and will do unreservedly. I don't need to ask. I probably won't say anything. I just wanted to have ideas in mind.

OP posts:
Startyabastard · 16/05/2023 15:55

onefinemess · 16/05/2023 13:14

Yeah, cool story OP!🤣🤣🤣🤣

And your DS was "enraged" you say!

Aww, bless his innocent little cotton socks, have you told him about "special cuddles" and explained how babies are made?

Porn is not a good representation of reality, of good healthy sex.

TeaKitten · 16/05/2023 15:56

loveyal · 16/05/2023 14:57

I honestly think it's OK to watch porn as a grown up, but absolutely wrong for a child as they don't yet have sexual experience.

Very difficult to explain to teenagers.

Now thinking about this, I think I may say we watch together, (which we sometimes do). There is nothing wrong about that. But must be gross to tell the teen?

Show quote history

That’s too much detail. DH deals with it, explains some adults watch it but that it was absolutly not ok on a shared device and apologise to DS, answer any questions, the end.

Growlybear83 · 16/05/2023 16:00

I agree that it was irresponsible of your husband to leave porn on a shared computer, but I'm amazed that a 14 year old would be enraged by finding it. Surely at 14 he's seen things like this before?

SummerHouse · 16/05/2023 16:06

There's some info here that you could refer DS to, it's worth a read OP as this is the sort of messaging they will get in school and might help you understand his point of view. https://www.thinkuknow.co.uk/11_18/lets-talk-about/sex-and-sexual-content/viewing-pornography-online/

SummerHouse · 16/05/2023 16:10

Growlybear83 · 16/05/2023 16:00

I agree that it was irresponsible of your husband to leave porn on a shared computer, but I'm amazed that a 14 year old would be enraged by finding it. Surely at 14 he's seen things like this before?

I think at least part of the enraged response is that his Dad is watching porn rather than porn itself. But there are plenty of reasons to be anti porn in general.

YoucancallmeKAREN · 16/05/2023 16:14

Definitelymabel · 16/05/2023 13:12

Why would seeing porn titles in a folder enrage him? My kids would find it hysterical.

Tell him to keep out of places that don't concern him.

Maybe the son finds porn morally wrong, many do.

Mummy08m · 16/05/2023 16:15

Growlybear83 · 16/05/2023 16:00

I agree that it was irresponsible of your husband to leave porn on a shared computer, but I'm amazed that a 14 year old would be enraged by finding it. Surely at 14 he's seen things like this before?

It'll be the extent of how hard core it is - op described it as "very serious wrongdoing". Even 14yo boys draw the line somewhere, thank goodness.

Growlybear83 · 16/05/2023 16:16

I can't imagine any 14 year old boys would find it morally wrong 😆😆

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 16/05/2023 16:16

I think he's enraged because he found some very serious wrongdoing.

What is the very serious wrongdoing?

It's staggeringly unlikely that this is the first time your son has seen porn, have you/your DH already discussed this with him, in a general sense?

If you have no issue with it, (and it wasn't anything illegal) then you tell your son that his parents' sex lives are none of his business, and you give your husband a bollocking for downloading it onto a shared computer, which is irresponsible and unnecessary.

JobChangeSoonPlease · 16/05/2023 16:17

My DD had a similar experience when she was 14. She went on DH's phone and found porn. It was beyond embarrassing. Both learnt their lesson. DH - not to leave porn sites open even if it's his own phone. DD - not to go into apps on adult's phones that do not concern you. There was some relationship damage but they seem to have recovered (I think).

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 16/05/2023 16:21

Oh and please don't tell your son that you and DH sometimes watch porn together. He doesn't need any details.

Diagonalley96 · 16/05/2023 16:27

loveyal · 16/05/2023 15:32

That's very good advice which DH planned to do before I started the thread. I'm always the worrier so I want to have more to say in case that's not enough.

Show quote history

I wouldn’t stress it. It’s one of those unfortunate things and it’s all just a wee bit awkward. Your son will get by this just fine!

caringcarer · 16/05/2023 16:28

I'd not tolerate it. I'd be kicking h out.

Dontbelieveaword · 16/05/2023 16:29

I think you're being a bit naive to think your 14yo has no knowledge or experience of sex, maturation or the existence of porn.
Bad idea to tell him you watch it together - do you want to traumatise him further?
Your DH sounds like a complete and utter w*** to download porn onto a family computer.

FelisCatus0 · 16/05/2023 16:47

I'd like you ask you OP why you tolerate your 'D' H watching porn in the first place. Where is your self respect. He'd be out the door the first time I knew he was watching porn. It really shouldn't be acceptable.