How flakey are your friends?

[betaglucans]

Just curious how flakey everyone else's mates are. It seems to me that at least 50% of meetups, if not closer to 60% get cancelled or rearranged on the whole here! I too sometimes rearrange. As a single parent it can be tough going, exhausting and trying to juggle everything and maintain my commitments. But I don't think I cancel or rearrange up to 60% of meetups!

I'm in my mid 40s, so at the age people have young kids etc and families. So I guess that has a bearing on it.

They aren’t! Of course there will be the inevitable incident pop up with everyone from time to time but usually if there are arrangements made, everyone that said they could go do actually go.
I’m selective about what I go to and take into account what’s going on before in the run up (like if I’ve had a busy week, dh isn’t around that week and I’m in the office on a Friday then I’ll just say no from the off so I’m not ditching anyone at the last minute) and also after (eg last weekend i knew I was going to be getting up early to collect dd from uni on Saturday morning so I declined a night out on the Friday because I knew it would get boozy, again I just said no from the start).
Flaky friends would piss me off, we are all busy people and have other priorities but friends are also a priority.

Mine aren’t too bad but I’ve noticed that in general, people seem a lot more flakey since COVID.

It’s as if COVID and everything that went on during the pandemic has given people more of an excuse to cancel plans at the last minute.

I have two friends who I regularly meet up with on a one to one basis, they aren’t at all flakey. However I have worked out one of the friends only wants to a very limited range of activities so as long as we stick the ‘list’ all is good.

My friends are quite flakey. I was really upset about a year ago when I invited 3 of them round for the evening for drinks, pizza and a catch-up. We all get together every few months, I felt it was about my turn to host, so asked what evening the following week was best.
They all agreed on an evening, then the day before one of them cancelled, (valid reason). I went on the WhatsApp group later that day, asking if the other two were still coming. They replied 'Absolutely, looking forward to it' etc, so I shopped the following morning, made a dessert, got everything ready and then one suddenly cancelled just a few hours before they were due round (too much to do apparently🤔), then the other one said she was too tired after work, and could we rearrange. I must admit I cried, after making all that effort for nothing, and was even embarrassed at home, having to admit to my family I'd been cancelled on, not by just one person, but THREE!!
Haven't invited them since, I won't be put through that again. 🙁

Very. Trying to pin them down for a date is hard enough and usually after deciding on a date, it gets cancelled around 80% of the time. It's absolutely infuriating. My husband goes out with his mates all the time and has none of these issues. He always encourages me to arrange get togethers with my friends and when I do, it inevitably gets cancelled. So I've pretty much given up on them. So sad. We all have DC under 5 and a partner. I don't think DC are an excuse tbh.

Yes I'm in a friendship group with two women. One rarely commits and if she does inevitability cancels due to having too much on. The other will agree enthusiastically and can cancel anything from a few days before to as I'm leaving. I stopped trying. Now we occasionally catch up on WhatsApp.
Another group of mum friends often cancel last minute one by one. I stil arrange stuff (mostly kid based)but prepare for it not to go ahead.
Dh and I have a group of couple friends when ever we try to arrange a catch up it can take weeks of back n forth to select a date. Then in the week leading up to it one or two couples cancel and others will say let's not bother. I've stopped trying with them too.

My friends get three strikes and then they are out, same with initiating meet ups and texts.

Hmmm, it's a mixed bag.

A half dozen reliable ones.

One who's always there, but late.

Two who are super-flakes. One me and DP call Flakey Sarah [not her real name] and the other one was known for ages amongst my other pals as 'KStock's Invisible Friend' beacause I was the only one that knew her and several times she was due to come for a group outing but cancelled.

Not flakey thank god. I used to be a tad flakey - social and general anxiety but avoiding stuff just exacerbated the anxiety! My friends are generally not flakey, BUT I am only friends with people I want to hang out with (and presume that’s reciprocal due to lack of flakiness). And maybe that’s key.

I had one very flakey potential friend - literally every meet up had to be rearranged, and then after some months of trying to meet up she said ‘I have an hour to kill in your neighbourhood so shall we have coffee?’… and I thought… so you can plan around other people and appointments then, and you only want to see me to kill some time?? So that was a no from me 😄

A mixed bag really as our circumstances are completely different.

I have a DH but he works some unsociable hours or is on call, so if plans are set in stone and made in advance I'll be there. Last minute plans I can't always commit to because of DC.

One friend is sometimes flakey or tries to change plans completely at the last minute.

I have a couple of reliable friends, if something is planned they'll be there.

Mid 40s lone parent too - if we meet up it’s because I arranged it, so end Jan at mine, then a restaurant last night which nine of us made it to which was impressive. One forgot, one poorly, everyone else there including the one known for being most flakey and the one who genuinely finds it hardest to get out (carer).

I think meeting up means more to me than most of my friends because they all have another adult at home whereas I’m widowed. I think I was less bothered when my lovely DH was alive.

Very flaky, unfortunately. Pretty much all my nights out this year have been cancelled at the last minute due to flaky friends, and numerous coffees too. It has really started to get me down, I feel like people don't want to spend time with me - they are always posting photos on social media of being out with other people 😔

I know people lead busy lives, I do myself- 3 DC, one of whom has autism, and I work & help care for my Nan. But I enjoy going out with friends as a release & something for me. I always honour commitments I make & find it rude not to. I find cancelling last minute with flimsy excuses particularly rude, I would rather they tell the truth if they can't be bothered to come out. A few have done so & I respect that.

It has got to the point now where I am trying to create a social life in other ways - joining new groups, reaching out. It's hard, but not as hard as constant rejection.

I have one very dear but perpetual flake. She was like that 25 years ago when I first met her and hasn’t changed. The slightest obstacle and she cancels. Invite her and her DH and he gets them both along!

Everyone else is fine. I’m the awkward one because I live a way away (over an hour on the train) and DH works Friday evenings and Saturdays - I used to use that to pop into town for dinner, but DSs mean that’s off these days except for special occasions. But I never say ‘yes’ if I won’t make it (disasters like train strikes aside!).

I'm quite flakey, unintentionally but various prioritys take precedent. It's a mix at times.

@Townlife are you me?? The exact same thing happened to me a month ago when my DH and DS were out of town. I felt so awful and none of the 3 “friends” have bothered to rearrange. I am so done! People do seem really flaky lately and 2 of them blamed it on their mental health which you can’t exactly argue with!

I could have written this post. My DH doesn't have this problem either. I do have one reliable friend who is a single gay guy, but everyone else seems to be incredibly difficult to pin down or just cancels on me.

Glad to hear it's not just me that experiences this (although commiserating with everyone - would rather it was the other way around).

When someone cancelling seems chronic or the norm, my instinct tells me these people just can't be bothered with me or don't want to see me. It's hard because as a lone parent these relationships are important to me but I'd rather not inconvenience them or keep up a facade.

The thing is in the light of everything these days is it just people are crap?

I try not to let people down so often that I care about.

And yes I do slow fade people sometimes! Hoping they will get the hint so it definitely works both ways.

Hard for your own self confidence not to be overly affected really.

This shows you know you're being flakey, it's not unintentional.

Whywouldyoudothat123, Sorry to hear it's happened to you, too. 🤔 it's a horrible feeling, isn't it. They made me feel I was absolutely nothing to them, they didn't even seem that apologetic!
And yes, like others have said it doesn't happen with DH. His plans with friends never get cancelled!

I'm still hurt by flakey friends, but have found another way of socialising which is joining groups. I'm now part of a walking group and a book group. We all meet once a week, if some can't make it there are always enough people to make it worthwhile. At the moment I'd say they're still more acquaintances, but there are a few in each group who gravitate more to each other, and I'm meeting one of them for lunch this coming weekend. 👍

I'm a fairly quiet person, so was a bit nervous the first time I went to both, but I'm so glad I did!!

I don't have flaky friends now - I have in the past though. Also, had friendly acquaintances in friendship groups/clubs who definitely used it as power play/devaluing - no thanks. I liked them to chat to in a group setting/impromptu situation but I would never want a friendship deeper than that.
It becomes very easy to spot who has a genuine reason for rescheduling/cancelling/being late and who this has just become part of their MO.
With new friends I take it slow - very much a reciprocal ball in your court thing. I've found it a bit of a red flag in the past for other character traits that I don't want in a friend so...

I have one flakey friend, for years I thought it was because she had young children and I didn’t.

Her children have grown up, finished university, found partners and jobs, left home.

Friend just as flakey. It’s a shame that after 20 years plus, I have felt the need to create some distance.

My friends and myself often cancel or rearrange

we understand that life is busy and sometimes we feel we just don’t want to go out. I feel like this at times and my friends do we don’t hold it against each other and are honest

another friend finds this difficult to understand to her a date is set and that’s it. She lives a very different life to myself and has a huge amount of time to herself do meet ups become a much bigger focus

For anyone dealing with a single parent friend, please know that often they are particularly isolated so please do try extra hard to initiate contact once in a while and not flake out too often.

We have a lot more time to overthink and whilst most people are wrapped up in their own world and don't think twice about cancelling, you might be the only person they have seen in weeks / months potentially. And of course with the territory often goes a lot more general isolation, loneliness, overthinking and stress, even if we do our best to combat it (goodness knows how many meetups and groups I've joined, friendships initiated etc etc).

I realise people are not there to be the saviour of single parents, but we have it really tough and rely on the loyalty and occasional meetups of our friends and would love to be able to rely on our friends even if it's just once in a while. So do think of us once in a while if you can or next time you think about cancelling on a single parent friend try to remember this.

Very flakey and more so since the covid lockdowns unfortunately.

None of my friends (people I actually meet up with) are flakey.
I usually start losing interest in such people, because I don't 'go out' a lot as it is (so very disappointing if someone cancels for an avoidable or lazy reason) and I'm not an extroverted person, so doubly unforgiving when I've made an effort to be social lol.