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Original poster

How flakey are your friends?

74 replies

betaglucans · 15/05/2023 21:43

Just curious how flakey everyone else's mates are. It seems to me that at least 50% of meetups, if not closer to 60% get cancelled or rearranged on the whole here! I too sometimes rearrange. As a single parent it can be tough going, exhausting and trying to juggle everything and maintain my commitments. But I don't think I cancel or rearrange up to 60% of meetups!

I'm in my mid 40s, so at the age people have young kids etc and families. So I guess that has a bearing on it.

OP posts:
Theypickedhim · 16/05/2023 09:42

betaglucans · 16/05/2023 09:35

For anyone dealing with a single parent friend, please know that often they are particularly isolated so please do try extra hard to initiate contact once in a while and not flake out too often.

We have a lot more time to overthink and whilst most people are wrapped up in their own world and don't think twice about cancelling, you might be the only person they have seen in weeks / months potentially. And of course with the territory often goes a lot more general isolation, loneliness, overthinking and stress, even if we do our best to combat it (goodness knows how many meetups and groups I've joined, friendships initiated etc etc).

I realise people are not there to be the saviour of single parents, but we have it really tough and rely on the loyalty and occasional meetups of our friends and would love to be able to rely on our friends even if it's just once in a while. So do think of us once in a while if you can or next time you think about cancelling on a single parent friend try to remember this.

Great post

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 16/05/2023 09:43

I don’t have much of a problem but then, I don’t organise anything with people who are flakey more than a few times. I let them organise and certainly don’t put it firmly in my diary until they confirm the outing is going ahead a day before. If another thing comes along I just text them again to check if we are still meeting, if no reply, I asume it cancelled and bother with them even less…

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 16/05/2023 09:46

Theypickedhim · 16/05/2023 09:42

Great post

Show quote history

In a nutshell, the single mum may have one single night free a week, if you cancel, she doesn’t get any chance to socialise in half a month.

If you are not sure you can meet, say it, that allows her to make other plans and don’t spend the whole week at home.

Original poster
betaglucans · 16/05/2023 09:56

@ForTheSakeOfThePenguin exactly! and for me I don't even have one free night a week; meetups have to be during school hours or with kids at the weekend. Which people are less inclined towards anyway making things extra tough.

So everything can be super complicated and I spend hours and hours in my head worrying about whether people genuinely dislike spending time with me or are just busy.

Also single parents don't have a partner there who might be making plans on behalf of both people, or often also comes along with a group of their own friends that you might sometimes socialise with. So the opportunities to make friends with their friends are basically zero. I always think that friends breed other friends. Without having a network you are so likely to become isolated because you don't get introduced to new people.

OP posts:
Original poster
betaglucans · 16/05/2023 09:58

@StJulian2023 sorry to hear things are difficult for you. I hope that things get better in time and wish you lots of lovely friendships!

OP posts:
Theypickedhim · 16/05/2023 09:59

Exactly
This is what I am going through right now
I try to plan meet ups and if it falls through am left feeling incredibly lonely
It doesn’t help as mutual friends have picked him and I’m just wondering how on earth to build up my life

Original poster
betaglucans · 16/05/2023 10:02

@Theypickedhim it's so tough! And I don't think other people who are not single parents really can ever get it. I try to focus on work and my child, book things for both of us... but it's not ideal. Could just do with a nice chat once in a while with a friend or to be friends with someone in a similar situation (my single parent friend making didn't really work out).

OP posts:
mauricemossmylove · 16/05/2023 10:14

two of my best friends forgot my birthday this year and not one friend sent me a card. We all have lots going on so trying not to take it personally but that did sting a bit.

Townlife · 16/05/2023 10:16

For those people who say they & their friends often cancel or postpone, PLEASE think about the person you're cancelling on at short notice.

I've had times where, for instance, I've dashed into supermarket after work to get nice treats to share with whoever is coming for coffee, then the text comes, 'Sorry, can't come now, hopefully next week'. Or bought tickets for someone who agreed weeks before to see a show with me, they then cancel just hours before, leaving me no time to ask someone else. Or rushed from work to catch bus to meet them, only to get a text en route to say they totally forgot we were meeting, can we do it another time. 🤔

These things chip away at me, and I've lost my confidence in initiating now. Whereas those who cancel don't seem bothered at all. It's demeaning, not to mention incredibly frustrating!! Obviously some things happen that can't be helped, I recently had to cancel a meet-up because my mum was suddenly taken ill. But this is unusual. It's the 'Need to food shop/too tired/forgot type excuse that upsets me. I feel they translate as 'I know you've put time aside/made an effort but you're not important to me'. 🤔

xogossipgirlxo · 16/05/2023 10:19

I don't have many friends and we don't see each other too often, luckily none of them are flaky. No short notice cancellations etc.

primoseyellow · 16/05/2023 10:19

@Townlife that is really out of order, im pretty laid back but I would find it hard to move on from that kind of rudeness.

Original poster
betaglucans · 16/05/2023 10:19

@Townlife yes agree that those example of late cancelling especially the show cancellation are really bad. I would be likely cutting someone off for the latter unless they made a real effort afterwards or had a great excuse.

OP posts:
Jojoanna · 16/05/2023 10:19

I too have given up on a lot of friends . I understand things happen last minute , It seems I'm very low down on priorities with some people. Soo I will just make new ones .

Original poster
betaglucans · 16/05/2023 10:21

@mauricemossmylove I wouldn't get upset about a card as such, as I think less and less send them these days, but I hope you at least got a text message.

OP posts:
HRTQueen · 16/05/2023 10:21

im a single parent and many of my friends are

I think maybe our expectations on each other are the same we do not see each other as being flakey we know how limited our time is ans
can be honest in saying sorry I just don’t feel up for it

but we are always in contact by WhatsApp and helping each other out when it’s needed (looking after each other’s children/lending money)

I think understanding and being supportive is more important to me if they cancel at the last minute at times then it’s no big deal

Original poster
betaglucans · 16/05/2023 10:32

@HRTQueen you are lucky to have supportive friends and I know what you mean about being limited on time as a LP. At least you help each other out in other ways. I could forgive the flakiness if people offered a bit more general support.

OP posts:
hettiethehare · 16/05/2023 10:48

bluesky45 · 15/05/2023 22:13

Very. Trying to pin them down for a date is hard enough and usually after deciding on a date, it gets cancelled around 80% of the time. It's absolutely infuriating. My husband goes out with his mates all the time and has none of these issues. He always encourages me to arrange get togethers with my friends and when I do, it inevitably gets cancelled. So I've pretty much given up on them. So sad. We all have DC under 5 and a partner. I don't think DC are an excuse tbh.

This (other than that my DC are older and it hasn't got any better!). So infuriating and I've pretty much given up as well - they are active enough on the group chat but for some odd reason a couple of them really grate on me on socials (come across as incredibly smug) whereas in person we get on really well and I remember why we are friends! Shame we rarely meet up these days ...

Lilifer · 16/05/2023 11:01

betaglucans · 16/05/2023 09:35

For anyone dealing with a single parent friend, please know that often they are particularly isolated so please do try extra hard to initiate contact once in a while and not flake out too often.

We have a lot more time to overthink and whilst most people are wrapped up in their own world and don't think twice about cancelling, you might be the only person they have seen in weeks / months potentially. And of course with the territory often goes a lot more general isolation, loneliness, overthinking and stress, even if we do our best to combat it (goodness knows how many meetups and groups I've joined, friendships initiated etc etc).

I realise people are not there to be the saviour of single parents, but we have it really tough and rely on the loyalty and occasional meetups of our friends and would love to be able to rely on our friends even if it's just once in a while. So do think of us once in a while if you can or next time you think about cancelling on a single parent friend try to remember this.

I totally echo this.

Split up from exdh 5 years ago. Pre covid I met up with my friends fairly regularlly and that really gave me a lot of joy when things were tough in the break up. Then covid. Since then I have found that probably 4 out of 5 planned meet ups don't happen and often cancel a few hours before. Get togethers will take weeks to agree a date that suits all and then invariably someone will say they've a migraine or in the case of one of my friends she will say her special needs son is unwell. She has even said to me at times when she's wanting to get out of a social commitment she just uses her son as a get out clause because no one can get pissed off with her if she uses that, and then she uses it on me!!🙈🤯
It's really disheartening and depressing - it's as if no one can be bothered anymore - we all learnt how to live without each other and no we have lost that connection .
I haven't tho and I really miss my night out with friends. As a single mum I look forward to these occasions but more often than not they get cancelled.

Mary46 · 16/05/2023 11:51

Flakey yes I cant be assed with it. I went cinema alone Sunday just easier than waiting for people.. its a mix of non comittals to meet. Then u feel unless you the one planning it next time. Cant blame covid I just feel people got lazy.

Townlife · 16/05/2023 13:48

I agree, and now everyone's got mobile phones a lot think it's acceptable to just text last minute, that they can't make it. When we only had home phones there were a lot less cancellations!

I've been to the cinema alone before too, Mary. It was a film I really wanted to see, and just couldn't be bothered with texting around to see who could make it, only to be probably cancelled on! I enjoyed it actually, there's something to be said for sitting where you want, your own choice of snack, being able to browse in shopping centre afterwards with nobody rushing to get back!

FinallyHere · 16/05/2023 14:03

None of my close friends are flaky, if flaky means just don't turn up or cancel last minute.

Anyone who acts flaky, I much prefer to meet up with them in s group, rather than 121, do there will be someone I can rely upon to turn up or at least let me know if they need to rearrange.

FunnysInLaJardin · 16/05/2023 14:12

None of them. I never accept an invitation to something unless I really want to do it as there is nothing worse than saying yes and then dropping out at the last minute.

I guess my tiny handful of friends are like me!

PhoenixArisen · 16/05/2023 14:15

My friends are not flakey, thank goodness. We'll arrange evenings and days out and no one backs out unless it's unavoidable.
I do have one friend who enjoys being a 'free spirit' so it's difficult to tie her down to anything. If she's free, she'll come but she'll only know if she's free 24 hrs before.
She's lovely but totally bonkers.

Bookist · 16/05/2023 14:59

I have a core group of girlfriends that have been friends since university. We're rarely flakey and if we are there's a damned good reason for it. Over the years I have had acquaintances, who might have become friends, but they were too flakey so I deliberately kept them as just acquaintances. People will always treat you how you allow them to treat you. Luckily, my friends and I believe we all deserve to be treated well.

Mary46 · 16/05/2023 15:08

Yes Townlife it was nice. One friend doesnt drive so sometimes you waiting around.. and the must catch up soon ones I phased out as just time wasting lol