How flakey are your friends?

[betaglucans]

Just curious how flakey everyone else's mates are. It seems to me that at least 50% of meetups, if not closer to 60% get cancelled or rearranged on the whole here! I too sometimes rearrange. As a single parent it can be tough going, exhausting and trying to juggle everything and maintain my commitments. But I don't think I cancel or rearrange up to 60% of meetups!

I'm in my mid 40s, so at the age people have young kids etc and families. So I guess that has a bearing on it.

Can't stand it - arrange an evening out and then people start dropping out -the worst of them on the day of for the flimsiest of excuses.
Frankly, once you have committed yourself to an engagement unless you've broken a leg or something pretty serious there's no excuse. 'I feel a bit sniffly' or 'my son has surprised us with a visit' (when they saw them the week before and he's staying the whole weekend), or 'I just don't feel up for it'. Pathetic. Don't accept if you are likely to change your mind (and I HATE 'I'll let you know'). Just say 'no thanks'. Saves me going to the trouble and allows me to plan something else!

After saying I am not flakey and my friends aren’t either - i jinxed myself as DH didn’t put a day trip in the diary 😤😤 so now can’t make brunch plans one weekend ugh. Will hopefully be a breakfast instead though so maybe that’s not total flakey.

I know this is an old thread. In fact, I posted on it a year ago! But things haven't changed in all that time 😏

I'm sitting here trying to hold back the tears after being cancelled on yet again, by the same group of friends. Arranged to meet tonight, I messaged last night to check & the excuses came, each flimsier than the last. I had pretty much given up on them as a friend group, but at had one amazing evening a few weeks ago, where I realised why they were my friends in the first place, we all just clicked.

But I can't keep getting hurt like this. It brings back memories of being left out at school & makes me fear that it will be the same story for my DC, they will have caught my 'loser' status. Would it be childish to leave the WhatsApp group? I have already muted it but can't help checking anyway, such is my desperation to be liked or valued.

I am trying to cultivate other friendships but it is hard, people have their friends already & I seem to have missed that boat. I just want to know what is wrong with me 😔

@confusedofengland Likely nothing wrong with you. I am sorry you feel so bad.

Everybody is flakey these days. I have distanced myself from my flakey ones and don't make big plans with them any more, like travel or a show. I just meet the flakey ones for coffee. More or less given up on groups.

My friendship group is pretty solid.
We all meet up when we say we will. If someone is unsure if they can make it they say up front so there's no last minute unexpected cancellations.

Not at all - but I grew up through my teens and early 20s at a time where mobiles were not the norm and if you had an arrangement to meet someone at 10am in a certain coffee shop, you stuck to it. I have also "curated" my friends to some extent and ditched a friend who was flakey because I just couldn't be doing with the hassle, uncertainty and drama.

Most of my friends aren't flakey but the ones who are I don't try and meet up with any more.

I absolutely hate being cancelled on and have very little free time.

My friends are 100% reliable. I'm the flaky one in the group. 😔

ConfusedofEngland - I've been through this too, and I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. 🤔 I hope you're feeling a bit better as the weekend goes on.

People can be so unreliable, and it seems to be the most extrovert ones who think nothing of cancelling last-minute, probably because they have other options! So hard for us quieter types, who've thought about who they want to invite, which film/booked a table in a restaurant etc. To then find it isn't happening after all makes you as if you're nothing to them.

I've met a lovely group of friends through a hobby a started about a year ago. I see them once a week through this, and we've started to meet up other times, too. They don't cancel, probably because we all 'get' each other and have an interest in common. I hope you can find similar. x

None are flaky. I just wouldn't put up with it.

Mine are very flakey. Drives me mad. I’m always the organiser and I now arrange group meet ups in the hope that at least 1 person will not bail.

I’ve started booking tables in restaurants to try to make the plan more solid, but I still end up having to cancel reservations on the day.

The excuses are never real; one friend cancelled brunch the evening before because she didn’t know what time she would wake up the next day. Erm… so set an alarm? But no, she wanted to wake up ‘naturally’ 😒

Neither would I. I've culled a few over the years

My flaky friend keeps asking me to go away with her for a weekend or a few days, but I keep making excuses. The real reason is because she is always late for flights or cancels plans last minute. I also reject her suggestions of going to the theatre because I have been out of pocket before, when she cancelled on the day.

I just meet her for coffee at Costa now.

My friends that I made at uni are now all horribly flakey. All giving rubbish excuses last minute. It's got worse after covid and I am realising they aren't really my friends anymore. I'm going through some hard things this year and they have no idea as they have cancelled 3 times on our pre organised meet ups that can only be done at least 6 weeks in advance and never at the weekends as they are "too busy". They never prioritise our group which makes me so sad as we were so close. I miss them but they evidently don't miss me.

@confusedofengland There’s nothing wrong with you.

There has been a massive cultural shift and flakiness has become much more acceptable.

I’m really sorry you’re feeling so bad.

I periodically feel just as bad.

I would leave the WhatsApp group.

These things are completely pointless and give the illusion of a friendship that no longer exists.

Luckily I’m not a fan of WhatsApp so there aren’t any groups for me to leave.

I have thought about deleting people’s phone numbers, but I don’t want to get caught out answering the phone, thinking it might be someone important!

I'm the flakiest, easily distracted with poor time management skills, luckily my friends are patient and tolerant (or they wouldn't be able to put up with being my friends).

Wouldn't dream of calling anyone else flaky, would feel like a complete hypocrite.

This will come across as confrontational, but I promise that’s not the tone I’m typing in. As someone who is constantly cancelled on for shit reasons, by people who would call me one of their best friends, I would like to understand the mindset.

Do you realise how frustrating and upsetting it is for the people you cancel on? If so, do you feel guilty?

As you are aware of this character flaw, why do you continue to be flaky? Are other people’s time and feelings simply less important than yours?

Why do you think it’s ok to expect your friends to put up with this kind of selfishness repeatedly?

My friends understand me and my reasons, that is why they are still my friends.

and vice versa.

That doesn’t answer my questions.

@RomeoRivers I’m glad you asked but will be surprised if anyone answers you.

Sone are some aremt. The flaky ones i make general arrangements which include other people so if they don't turn up the meeting still goes ahead

I have found myself with quite a dearth of friends having distanced myself from a myriad of both users and flakes.

I don't have small children, but I do have my elderly mother whom I care for so I have to plan my time. I also have health issues which mean when I put the effort in it takes it out of me. Plus it means a lot to me to get to spend some time on me. So people flaking out last minute and for spurious reasons I get very upset.

I do not have any flaky friends . The 3 main reasons are
1 They are all friends I have had for years,
2 They don’t really know each other so I generally meet friends 1:1 and have quality time with them
3 A flaky friend wouldn’t last because I consider my time and commitment as important as anyone else. Being late and cancelling is bloody rude , no I don’t think any excuse is good enough if it becomes a regular occurrence .

Not at all. Maybe that's because we are a generation who became friends before mobile phones were invented so, for us, it is completely normal to make an arrangement and then stick to it. Anything else would be rude.