Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Do any of your teens not do any extracurricular activities?

86 replies

LaDamaDeElche · 15/05/2023 11:12

DD is 13 and will be going into year 3 of secondary school in September, so 14 in October. Throughout her childhood, she's tried many different activities - swimming, dance, gymnastics, martial arts (two different types) and most recently I reluctantly agreed for her to not do sport, as she's not really motivated to, and take up guitar lessons. She's showed very little interest and I have to nag her to practice - which she does for about 10 mins, if that. So after spending yet more money (buying a guitar and amp - second hand, but still pricey) on an activity she's not into, now she wants to give up after just one term. Should I insist that she tries it for longer and puts more effort into practicing or shall I just give up and let her do nothing?

She spends way too much time on screens as is, which is a constant source of arguments at home. She also has ADHD inattentive type, for which the symptoms can be reduced by doing sports or other activities. Screens are the worst thing for it.

Do any of your teens of the same age do nothing apart from school, screens and seeing friends? I would love for her to find her "thing", but so far no luck. She used to love reading and goes back to it from time to time, but inevitably the pull of screens is greater and she loses interest. As she's getting older and has more autonomy I feel I can't exactly insist that she does an activity, as she's not into it and I'm basically spending money for no reason.

OP posts:
Antisocialfluffmonster · 16/05/2023 15:12

twistyizzy · 16/05/2023 14:43

OK thanks for calling me a crap parent 🙄 It is how I was brought up and I'm so grateful to my parents because I love being outdoors and active. I'm not ND though and neither is DD.

However a good friend of mine has 2 DC, 1 with autism and the other with autism and ADHD. She takes the same point of view as me and doing the outdoor activities + hobbies is where both of her DC excel and thrive. It gives them an outlet for when they are finding school tough and helps the anxiety of the one with ADHD.

Kids are individuals, you’re basically asking how to force your child to comply with your wishes, and you’re lamenting the fact it’s so hard with an ND kid.

you mention screen time but have given no indication you’re even aware of what they enjoy on screens or whether you participate with the things they enjoy on screens

yoh may even find that having a digital distraction helps them focus on what it is you want them to do

twistyizzy · 16/05/2023 15:16

Antisocialfluffmonster · 16/05/2023 15:12

Kids are individuals, you’re basically asking how to force your child to comply with your wishes, and you’re lamenting the fact it’s so hard with an ND kid.

you mention screen time but have given no indication you’re even aware of what they enjoy on screens or whether you participate with the things they enjoy on screens

yoh may even find that having a digital distraction helps them focus on what it is you want them to do

I haven't got a ND child and I'm not moaning about anything 🙄 so you obviously haven't even read my answer properly

Eurodiva · 16/05/2023 15:18

My daughter played tennis until she was about 14 but carried on playing for her school until about 16
The boys played rugby until they left school
Weekends were generally meeting up with friends and a rugby match Saturday mornings.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

SingaporeSting · 16/05/2023 17:08

I will caveat by saying that my kids are still primary age, and not ND (not officially anyway, but I do suspect ADHD in my eldest, as I do in myself). We also live abroad and the kids have 3 languages (inc English) to grapple with, and whilst they don't currently have phones, but have tablets, so I'm increasingly aware of screen time... So this topic caught my attention.

Anyway... I have no idea really how to answer the OP in her specific situation, but for me when it comes to my kids, the extra curricular stuff is about broadening horizons - new activities, skills, people, about belonging to something else, about finding a new or alternative way to thrive.

Kids should not be forced for sure, but with both of mine I've had times where I've prompted them to not miss X club or not give up Y club and encouraged them to keep on doing it. I don't care about the jujitsu or trampolining or violin or whatever, but I do want to teach them to show up, and to persevere. If I see they are really not enjoying it, or totally resistant, then I listen to them and they stop. But sometimes they are being lazy buggers and just don't want to go, so there's a tricky balance between supporting their actual desires and encouraging "growth behaviours".

I was the kid who did a million clubs and never stuck to them. I think the main reason was that no one at home was particularly interested so it all felt a bit, dunno, lonely. NOT saying that this is how the OP's daughter feels by the way, but no one encouraged me to go or not go, so I just went, felt like no one really cared one way or the other and like it was all a bit random, and then if I wanted to stop I was just allowed to stop.

I really wish I'd had more gentle encouragement to persevere, to keep going, to learn how to try, to get over the tricky hump of being in that part of the learning curve where it's all hard work and effort and not much reward. And help to find "my thing". As it is now, I am a quitter, I avoid hard stuff, and have not so much commitment to push on through. I do feel like I missed out on the team sport camaraderie because in the end I stopped going or didn't bother trying... It's like once I didn't bother once, I knew I could not bother again and all of a sudden a habit/pattern/behaviour has emerged. Of course, I have to take responsibility as an adult for those behaviours and traits, but I often wonder if I'd have had more engaged parents in my activities whether I would've thrived in them more. I notice it with our own kids now - the more we are engaged in something (club, activity, book, their interests generally) the more they are likely to to also be engaged and go deeper in to the topic.

As I say - I am not suggesting this is the case with the OP's daughter, more just contributing to a discussion on the topic as it's one I often reflect on myself. And I'll reiterate again that this is just my own thoughts and reflections - certainly no judgement from my side on how many clubs or not another kid does!

OP - all of parenting is a tricky balance between being child-led or parent-directed. The best advice I ever had was "go with your gut"... good luck with your DD!

Creasedover382 · 16/05/2023 17:25

Yep, my teen has never enjoyed organised/paid for fun. Tried lots of things growing up but nothing stuck.

He's 14 and starting to find his own interests. He likes mountain biking, hiking and the gym.

Don't push it.

mainbrochus · 16/05/2023 17:29

Gonna read the thread later but mine 13/16 ds don’t do anything.

Did lots before Covid- karate swimming clubs but they refused to go back after lockdown.

they seem quite happy !!!! Go out a bit with friends but that’s it.

Citygirlrurallife · 16/05/2023 17:47

Mine is a pre-teen aged 11 and only has a once a week drum lesson as her extra curricular. I def wish she had more things and gutted she gave up football last year as it was the only time she moved and she was finally getting quite good having started aged 4. But I cannot convince her to even try anything. i def worry too OP. I didn’t have a sport when I was a teen but I did play an unusual instrument so was in every orchestra, jazz band and concert band going, and was into theatre and joined NYT at 15

having said that 14yo DS has activities every night and he’s exhausted and feels like he never has downtime….

quietnightmare · 19/05/2023 08:50

Nail course
Photography
Dog walking
Paper round Etc

LaDamaDeElche · 19/05/2023 11:59

SummerHouse · 16/05/2023 14:52

Jesus OP, you are doing an incredible job and your daughter, regardless of her additional challenges, is incredibly accomplished.

Please just list what she does and who she is and be so proud of yourself and her. She reads, she draws, she walks, she has friends, she speaks three flipping languages.

You have led her to water with some things but she has chosen not to drink. Guitar is a beast to learn. I think your approach is SPOT ON.

Just keep doing what you are doing. You need apply zero pressure as you are already winning this game.

One thing I have found with my DSs is that they will happily do anything that's planned or booked or involves meeting others. So if that's an option to explore it might help. We go on many walks where we have arranged to meet friends or family and they go along with it rather than moan (including DS, 13). But mainly I just have a pat on the back to give you. Parenting high five lady! This girl is lucky to have you as her mum.

What a lovely post to read. Thank you so much ❤️ I spend a lot of time beating myself up as a parent, as I didn't have a good relationship with my mum, so have my own issues from that, and parenting a young teen with ADHD can at times be relentless and exhausting and I'm always feeling guilt about not being good enough, or doing the right thing. I'm constantly worrying about DD's future too. That was so needed. Thank you 😊

OP posts:
Wannabegreenfingers · 19/05/2023 12:15

Mine are 10 & 12. I've tried everything ,they just don't stick to it and I'm not payment out money to have to drag them along.

I feel sometimes that they are missing out and that I am being judged by some of the other parents (that's my issues, not theirs), but I'm not going to force my kids to do something they genuinely aren't interested in.

dameofdilemma · 19/05/2023 12:29

It's difficult OP - to reassure you, even for teens who seem to do lots of activities (particularly where mandatory in school) it isn't a universally positive experience.

Only on MN are there so many teens who love sport/music/drama etc and choose those activities over screens!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread