Do any of your teens not do any extracurricular activities?

[LaDamaDeElche]

DD is 13 and will be going into year 3 of secondary school in September, so 14 in October. Throughout her childhood, she's tried many different activities - swimming, dance, gymnastics, martial arts (two different types) and most recently I reluctantly agreed for her to not do sport, as she's not really motivated to, and take up guitar lessons. She's showed very little interest and I have to nag her to practice - which she does for about 10 mins, if that. So after spending yet more money (buying a guitar and amp - second hand, but still pricey) on an activity she's not into, now she wants to give up after just one term. Should I insist that she tries it for longer and puts more effort into practicing or shall I just give up and let her do nothing?

She spends way too much time on screens as is, which is a constant source of arguments at home. She also has ADHD inattentive type, for which the symptoms can be reduced by doing sports or other activities. Screens are the worst thing for it.

Do any of your teens of the same age do nothing apart from school, screens and seeing friends? I would love for her to find her "thing", but so far no luck. She used to love reading and goes back to it from time to time, but inevitably the pull of screens is greater and she loses interest. As she's getting older and has more autonomy I feel I can't exactly insist that she does an activity, as she's not into it and I'm basically spending money for no reason.

Two dcs here who are now older teen/young adult.
Theyve both had done some activities /extra curriculum stuff throughout their teens.
dc1 openly says he is using running as a way to control his anxiety (this was true esp during lockdowns as he had the ‘chance’ of doing his GCSE and then Alevels during that 2 years period).

I have no idea how to ‘make a teen’ do more sport etc… it just happened for us. But then doing some outdoor activities has always been part of our lives so I suppose it wasn’t even a question for them.

My teens don't have ADHD which obviously adds its own challenges but I agree totally about picking your battles. We, for example focus on hygiene and also doing their share of chores around the house. These are non-negotiable. Forcing extra curricular activities for a child that walks to school (so has some activity) and does have a social life sounds too much like forcing for the sake of things rather than actual benefit for the teen.

When my teens have had periods of doing "not much" we've done more things as a family that we thought would appeal. DH and I also go for regular walks. To start with we got grunts when we suggested the teens joined us, but then they did start doing it sometimes. We realised on holiday that DD would go swimming, so we've carved out time to go family swimming regularly. I think it's about providing options rather than "forcing".

Btw, both my dcs did try to learn to 0ay the guitar.
We’ve had the same battle you are having with your dd. And I didn’t think it was worth the fight. Still don’t.

I feel that exercise is important (health but also MH). But if she is doing a 25min walk twice a day, tbh that’s plenty!

Fwiw, despite the fact my dcs have always been very active, running etc… they both saw an improvement in their running time after they started to walk 20 mins to (their new) school. Both commented how surprising it was that such an ‘easy and innocent’ walk was doing so much difference.
Walking to school IS exercise too!

Get her to try a few things over the summer, what do her friends do? Encourage her to do D of E next year at school We live in Spain, so D of E doesn't exist here. Her friends are a mix. Some do activities, some don't - although it is more of an outdoor life here as we have better weather, so the summer tends to be based around the pool and the beach. Normal activities break up in the summer as it's too hot abs people take their vacations then.

Picking your battles is very wise when your child has a diagnosis like ADHD I agree, or you can end up with a very unhappy child. The psychologist was very much for supportive parenting as opposed to heavy discipline. Encouraging autonomy and focussing more on her emotional connections with family and peers, which she struggles with, although with her friends seems to have improved.

She speaks three languages as we live in Spain and has no interest in learning another. She likes anime and does draw, but like the reading she goes through periods of intense focus, then loses interest. Coding is something I've talked to her about and we sat down and looked at information and apps, but she wasn't interested. It requires a lot of focus, which she doesn't have unless she's interested in something.

We have always had a rule that she joined every PE type afterschool club at primary and that on a weekend there were no screens/chilling time until after she had done at least 1 hr exercise eg walk dog, horse riding etc.
Now at 11 yrs old she gets 6 hours PE per week at school (private) + horse riding 2 hours Saturday + comes to walk the dog on a Sunday.
For me exercise + fresh air is non-negotiable and she earns screen time through doing these things. This won't change as she gets older because early teens is the danger time for girls giving up physical exercise/sport.
I suppose I'm hoping it might be easier because we have always had this rule but I just ignore tantrums/huffing because she doesn't want to go. She always enjoys it when we are out and says afterwards that she's glad i make her do it.

I think that's true - everyone is different and supporting your child to think that's ok is an approach many parents take, while others push their kids. It very much depends on the child what works and what doesn't. Parenting is a minefield, and add ND and it's a double minefield!!

I was thinking the gym could be good when she's a bit older. Maybe something we could do together.

No my 16 year old does swimming, karate, Crav magar, cricket, cricket and more cricket plus goes to gym. Also plays online chess in a club.

The OP asked does anyone have kids that don't do activities and was clearly looking for reasurrance that it's not the end of the world if her child or her can't cope with activities.
She didn't ask for loads of people to send lists of all the activities their children do and how important it is they do them!

Typical MN for ya - people falling over themselves to answer questions that haven't been asked. You come on threads to get answers to thread titles/OP and have to wade through non-answers to get to the right ones.

My eldest doesn’t do anything. He’s had a go at most things over the years but nothing stuck. He’s doing well at school and spends lots of time outside with his friends, so I’m totally happy!

It sounds like your daughter is doing well academically and socially, despite the challenges ADHD may bring. Sounds like a good place to be to me.

I’m another with an ND teen who would probably benefit from less screens and more sports.

But the masking through school is a heavy burden, and we’ve prioritised keeping him in school, and accepted that he needs downtime afterwards.

Lockdown really messed us up because we had good schedules in place that we’re working well. By the time activities were running again, he was older, more teenager-y and not as compliant and malleable. There’s autism and adhd in the mix; easy dopamine seeking and a resiatance to routine change

There’s a lot of truth in picking your battles. And it’s also important to acknowledge that sometimes it’s not actually within your control (even if the reasons are nuanced).

I feel awful sometimes because it feels like a massive parenting fail not to make him to this thing that could turn things around. But that’s not acknowledging the rest of what’s going on for him, and for me.

There is no point pushing someone to do what they don't want to do.

Offer then an option, continue with regular practise or the kit will be sold, and follow through.

I’ve one with adhd and one with autism. If you’re having to force them to do anything, then they clearly aren’t enjoying it. Irrespective of money spent, if it’s not enjoyable then you’re doing it for you not them.

screen time can mean different things. Including it being educational, social, fun.

some people absolutely despise sports, like myself. Not all activity needs to be an extra curricular, sometimes going out and playing with friends is far better than being dragged along to something they have no interest in.

I just think you’re making a rod for your own back, because if you try and dictate his hobbies, and how he spends time after chores and studying, that’s not going to help his behaviour.

I was out the door at 17 as I actually couldn’t take being forced to do stuff any more,

Your post really resonates. It's very difficult, and Covid definitely made things worse with DD too, Covid and teenage hormones!

Just going to be honest you sound like my mum.

I left at 17 as I was being bullied into things I couldn’t physically tolerate and it was only after I left I discovered that I had EDS. Hyper mobility is quite common in kids with adhd, and I’m still angry at being forced to do things just because someone else determined it was good for me (it wasn’t) and I don’t really talk to her that much.

I’ve learned to be massively independent because that’s the only way I ever got peace, and we hardly see / speak to each other.

Im the worst example of what strict parenting can lead to. It didn’t do me a lick of good, just made me miserable and distant

My almost 15yo has just left his football team, so that's the last one gone.

Scouts went last year as he didn't get on with Explorers.

He is out loads. A group of them go to the gym 2 or 3 times a week, they play football for fun and they go put once or twice a fortnight, to town or the cinema, etc

Totally agree, it's often more the parents just bending to social pressure 😆i hated clubs at school but now have SO many interests and am really active!

OP my eldest was very like this but fortunately took up a hobby age 14 which he is still doing 7 months later 🤞.. I agree that you can not make teens do activities. My 13 year old just dropped his hobby of 4 years . Gutted and I did try for ages to keep him going .. but at this age they do have to start making their own decisions . Good family relationships and friends are more important

D of E if she will do it will be worthwhile .. she maybe more willing as her friends will be doing it too .

OK thanks for calling me a crap parent 🙄 It is how I was brought up and I'm so grateful to my parents because I love being outdoors and active. I'm not ND though and neither is DD.

However a good friend of mine has 2 DC, 1 with autism and the other with autism and ADHD. She takes the same point of view as me and doing the outdoor activities + hobbies is where both of her DC excel and thrive. It gives them an outlet for when they are finding school tough and helps the anxiety of the one with ADHD.

Ds never did anything after school, being autistic he was exhausted just being at school.

Jesus OP, you are doing an incredible job and your daughter, regardless of her additional challenges, is incredibly accomplished.

Please just list what she does and who she is and be so proud of yourself and her. She reads, she draws, she walks, she has friends, she speaks three flipping languages.

You have led her to water with some things but she has chosen not to drink. Guitar is a beast to learn. I think your approach is SPOT ON.

Just keep doing what you are doing. You need apply zero pressure as you are already winning this game.

One thing I have found with my DSs is that they will happily do anything that's planned or booked or involves meeting others. So if that's an option to explore it might help. We go on many walks where we have arranged to meet friends or family and they go along with it rather than moan (including DS, 13). But mainly I just have a pat on the back to give you. Parenting high five lady! This girl is lucky to have you as her mum.

@SkankingWombat the busy mum, out in the pouring rain at the crack of dawn, is a very popular social media narrative for some parents; and it pressures some parents into feeling they aren't parenting properly if they aren't in a field at 5am on a Saturday, with a full weekend schedule ahead.