Do any of your teens not do any extracurricular activities?

[LaDamaDeElche]

DD is 13 and will be going into year 3 of secondary school in September, so 14 in October. Throughout her childhood, she's tried many different activities - swimming, dance, gymnastics, martial arts (two different types) and most recently I reluctantly agreed for her to not do sport, as she's not really motivated to, and take up guitar lessons. She's showed very little interest and I have to nag her to practice - which she does for about 10 mins, if that. So after spending yet more money (buying a guitar and amp - second hand, but still pricey) on an activity she's not into, now she wants to give up after just one term. Should I insist that she tries it for longer and puts more effort into practicing or shall I just give up and let her do nothing?

She spends way too much time on screens as is, which is a constant source of arguments at home. She also has ADHD inattentive type, for which the symptoms can be reduced by doing sports or other activities. Screens are the worst thing for it.

Do any of your teens of the same age do nothing apart from school, screens and seeing friends? I would love for her to find her "thing", but so far no luck. She used to love reading and goes back to it from time to time, but inevitably the pull of screens is greater and she loses interest. As she's getting older and has more autonomy I feel I can't exactly insist that she does an activity, as she's not into it and I'm basically spending money for no reason.

In my teens group it’s desirable to have a”thing” so thankfully they have both kept up one physical activity.

I would suggest you find something that vaguely interests her find a class and you go together. Dd2 and I go to a Kickbox class every week. It’s great bonding time we’ve been going 2 years now.

To be honest, she's a proper stereotypical teen too - would rather do anything than spend time with me. She's 13 and very much about her friends. To keep up any kind of relationship we watch movies/series together as she likes that and it's a way of still bonding and spending time together at this tricky age.

You're lucky that the No pocket money thing works. Rewards and consequences have no effect at all with DD. Her psychologist told me that was very common with teens with ADHD. When she was little she had a rewards chart and was so into it, but now the symptoms are worse and I think she probably has ODD too.

DS does a sport all Saturday morning but that's it. Nothing else.

I also have ADHD and no motivation to do extra curricular.
Is she in the correct medication? Amphetamines and Methamphetamines do different things and maybe she is on methamphetamines when she may need to be on an amphetamine.
While it’s not as issue her doing no extra curricular it would be good to address her inattentiveness now and not when she’s quit college, jobs, etc x

My younger teen doesn't. She used to as a primary school kid but MH issues have meant she refuses to try anything now. She doesn't do PE either.

She's on Strattera and has been since Christmas. I don't think it's working well and have told the psychiatrist this, but she insists we give it more time. They seem resistant to put kids on the stimulant meds in Spain and prefer the non stimulant drugs. We will be seeing her again before school starts in September, so hopefully will have a change in meds.

I make all of mine do 2 activities afterschool/weekends and we limit screens. If we didn't they wouldn't just be grumpy and uncommunicative. They can't drop an activity until they start a new one.

Don't forget you need to parent teens too!

Oh and one of mine has ADHD too, she's the worse one when it come to wanting screen time.

12/13 is the peak age for children dropping out of activities they've been involved with.

DS wasn't doing anything additional at this age but he did pick up the DofE award at 14 which "forces" you to do things. School + socialising was enough. Mind you, his socialising involved a lot of riding round on bikes with this friends so it was pretty social. DD did drama at school (which was both free and took lots of time!) but also read a lot.

At 16, among both my DC's peer groups, I'd say it was absolutely normal to drop all/most things in favour of taking a part time job.

How do you "make" them though? I'm not sure I consider that parenting as such. I've got her to agree to try things and give them a go, but surely the point of a hobby is that you enjoy it? Not that it's something you're forced to do. That seems like a waste of time for her and money for me.

The screen thing, I agree with you, and we limit, although it isn't exactly easy as so much school work involves screens now, as well as having a phone when out with friends/going to and from school etc.

Oh yes, because sitting in a sweaty viewing gallery, freezing on the side of a field, and waiting around in the car outside for DCs is so much fun 😂
We've not reached the teen years yet, but DD1 has ADHD (and ASD) and plenty of vigorous exercise is essential to keeping her symptoms in check. Her sleep, behaviour, and focus are noticeably worse on days when she's sedentary. She also is happiest when immersed in an activity she's hyper focused on (the interest regularly shifts between activities/subjects, as it is prone to do with ADHD), so we try to indulge that too where possible. Sometimes that's a home-based interest, other times it has involved paid-for activities that we've had to run her to. Then, of course, you try to offer the same opportunities to DC2, so as not to show favouritism... 🤷🏼‍♀️ It can add up to a lot of running around, especially if DCs choose a sport that is time-heavy (eg gymnastics or swimming). I try to encourage them to have the same interests and go to activities together to reduce the running around.
I can understand OP's worry at her DC not having an outlet for the mental and physical energy.

I have inattentive type adhd. I tried lots of different things and my parents weren't particularly good at pushing me to stick at something. I know that if I had found something I adored I would have been able to tap into that hyperfocus and become excellent at something. I wish my parents had somehow found a way to help me find a hobby I loved and develop a skill I could bring with me into adulthood.

The one thing that would have been non negotiable for me is exercise of some form. Could be jogging or swimming alone, going to the gym, whatever just as long as it was exercise. Luckily my kids enjoy sport and so as other activities have been dropped like musical instruments or dance, they’ve both kept 2 sports each. They’re 16 & 15. DD also has a part time job as an umpire in one of her sports.

I think if you feel you can’t ‘make’ a 13 yr old do anything you might be in for a bumpy ride as they get older. You can turn the wifi off or give them chores that they can exchange for activity time, or find some other currency that will motivate them.

Believe me it's not through lack of trying on my part. It's a lot easier pushing a young child than a teen though. The atmosphere at home can be terrible sometimes and I feel me pushing is detrimentally damaging our already fragile relationship. It's very difficult to parent a child with ADHD, especially on with ODD to, which DD exhibits a lot of symptoms of. I think I could push another year of activities, but she'd be doing it for me, not her and I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do.

She walks 25 mins to school and back, and does PE twice a week, so she is getting exercise. But yes. I'm interested to know how you "make" a teen for whom neither rewards or consequences work, do something. It's the exact opposite of what the psychologist has said is the best way to approach things.

My son 13 has a lot of ADD traits and screen time makes him worse. We have tried a LOT of activities because like you I think finding his ‘thing’ would really benefit him. Mostly we look for activities that offer a trial for 6 weeks then he can drop it if he wants - currently having success with fencing which he chose to continue. He also goes to Scouts and to a church youth group both of which are low key but it gets him off his phone and out of the house.

In your shoes I would stop paying for activities and make the commitment myself to doing something with her each week - a walk, or some baking, or basic craft, or even a cinema trip.

You will get nowhere forcing someone to do something they don't enjoy.

Try to make it pleasurable - a nice walk round here is to the river where the icecream van is.

Life is not a competition nor is it necessary for everyone to have 'accomplishments' in order to live a healthy life.

Trying to get DD to do basic things like keep good hygiene and do her school work is a daily battle. There are so many battles in life at the moment, I'm not sure continuing with the activities one is for the best when she's struggling so much with normal stuff. I feel grateful that she has good friends and a social life, which many kids with ADHD don't.

Picking your battles is very wise when your child has a diagnosis like ADHD.

I think you are right to consider the wisdom of continuing to try to push water uphill.

My 15 year old only does DofE. When he was 13 he was the same as your DD although there were a lot of lockdowns during that period.
I suspect he might have some ADD symptoms and is also dyspraxic and I wish I'd kept him doing some kind of physical activity throughout as he became really unfit. We're now clawing that back.

Get her to try a few things over the summer, what do her friends do? Encourage her to do D of E next year at school.

My kids aren't especially sporty, but DS1(17)does fencing, sailing in the summer, plays badminton and helps with cubs for his D of E.
DS2(15) plays squash and badminton and plays the guitar.
DD(12) does ice skating and climbing, netball at school and does a cooking club once a week.

Then start afresh in September when the new term of clubs start and insist that she needs to do it. Explain why. She'll be bored without her phone and then a bit more up for doing something. It eventually becomes a habit.

If she likes screens what about coding? She can learn to create apps /games

Learn a language?

What about crafts? Like resin? Clay?

Mix beats like a DJ?

My dd (16) struggles if she does too much. She has terrible anxiety and various other issues (clinically diagnosed). We decided after lockdowns that school (and homework) and friends were the priorities and that was the right call. We gradually tried to introduce more physical activity and now she goes to the gym once or twice a week. She's just started doing exams and is managing the stress all right so far (with medication).

She now accepts that she just isn't that person who can do tons of extracurriculars and thrive. Her friends do team sports and theatre and drama and art and they are exhausted but happy. She would get much more tired and freaked out and then not cope with the basics of life. We've had to work hard to help her see that everyone is different and that is okay.

My DS almost 15 only goes to the gym. He seems ok. I'd like him to do more but he doesn't want to and frankly I'm not up for a massive fight. I didn't do anything as a older teen either.