How to build Dd7's self esteem

[Florencenotflo]

Sorry for the long post. I'm really struggling at the moment, despite googling I'm still at a loss.

Dd is 7, she used to be so confident, un-bothered by friend drama and able to find friends anywhere. Since the start of year 2 she's really changed.

Her best friend moved abroad in the summer before year 2 and I know she's really missing her. We've tried to stay in touch via pictures and videos sent between her mum and me. But it's not the same.

Dd has found another little group but 'Amy' is certainly in charge in this group and likes to tell dd when she can and can't play with them. I've tried to stay out of it and try to help dd deal with it herself (she doesn't want me speaking to her teacher). Dd says she's alone a lot of the time. She's mentioned letting them boss her around so they'll like her which of course we've talked about.

Dd has always been the tallest in her class and is certainly stocky, our whole family are (DH and I both used to play rugby) but she is healthy and very active. We don't comment on our own bodies negatively and I've always been positive around dd (even if I do have hang ups). But a boy in her swimming group called her fat and she's hung onto this since then.

Now anywhere we go, even school, getting dressed results in a meltdown over her tummy sticking out. It's sticks out the normal amount for a 7 year old (especially as she usually pokes it out further to prove her point).

No matter what I do, I can't seem to get my little girl back to how she was and it's breaking my heart. I struggled exactly as she is now but my parents said it was 'character building' and left me to it. It wasn't, it caused years of damage and eventually depression which only resolved when I found a group of friends in my late teens.

How do I raise her self esteem, her self confidence and get her to see how amazing she really is.

First.
tell the teacher about the bullying. Doesn't matter that a 7yo says not to.... Do it. If necessary make sure teacher doesn't mention that you said anything. She's 7 and doesn't understand the implications of the situation.

Secondly just keep reinforcing that bodies all come in different shapes and sizes and get her knowing and secure on eating good healthy food.

And also, consider the possibility that she is fat? A lot of adults, especially parents can be blind to it and their "stocky" children.

Ok, I was a "stocky/big boned" child and my mum always talks about how I had puppy fat.

But looking back I was an overweight child, and I became an unhappy overweight teenager, which then took me several years to deal with.

I wish my parents had subtly/gently helped me lose weight as a child but in a non shameful healthy way. Looking at pictures I see that I was definitely overweight.

Kids absolutely should not be body shaming each other, but at the same time your child may be overweight without you seeing that

I don't know if you already do this as you say you and DH both played ruby, but does she do sport? If she's big for her age she could excel which would surely be good for her self esteem. I'd suggest she try team sports and to build up a non-school group of friends / teammates which will enhance her confidence and help her better navigate the challenges at school. Other children will be more drawn to her if she's more confident in herself.

Suggest she looks around to see if anyone else is alone at play time and join them?

Give her some ideas of activities she could
potentially do alone at break (book, skipping rope, juggling balls). Is she allowed to take stuff in?

Look for a club anything she's good at or interested in, if possible one which doesn't have any kids from her class in (we went to the neighbouring town) .

Definitely have a word with the teacher.

maybe reduce how much contact with previous best friend if it's not helping her.

She may be, but we are encouraging good choices with food (plus subtly cutting back on treats without her realising) and we have increased our exercise as a family anyway. We're walking to school when we can, we go swimming every week, the park after school... on top of the activities she was already doing.

My Mums approach was to take me to weight watchers, which wasn't healthy, I much prefer finding healthier ways of addressing her weight.

@museumum yes, she's desperate to try rugby but our closest team currently clashes with her swimming lessons. Once she moves up a group she will move to another slot so we can start that hopefully. I agree it's definitely a good start. She does have a couple of friends outside of school which is fine at weekends, just wish we could crack the at school bit!

She does have a couple of friends outside of school which is fine at weekends, just wish we could crack the at school bit!
Children (also adults) are drawn to others with healthy self esteem so I'd really concentrate on building her up. She doesn't have to be loud or extrovert. Just happy in herself.

@SuperABunDance I have suggested that, apparently no one else is...

I don't think they can take things in but I will check. That's a good idea, she loves her skipping rope.

I’m sure you’ve already thought of this, but are there any organised lunch time clubs or activities at school? Just something to give her something, hopefully enjoyable, to do and help her build friendships.

@Leeds2 nothing at lunch time unfortunately, she's done a few after school clubs in the past, but it cut into her park time after school so she chose not to do any this term!

Does your daughter's school have a School Council?
Ours set up 'Playground Ambassadors', I think they might've been trained by an outside agency, who help set up games and activities and look out for lonely kids in the school breaktimes. IIRC they have fancy high-viz vests to wear :-)
Could it be an initiative for her?

I would definitely speak to her teacher about this.

You need to talk to the teacher about the bullying.

To be clear, the comment from the boy at swimming was outside of school and was dealt with by the swimming teacher.

I've asked to speak to her teacher on Monday. They do have school council I think, will see what is already in place when I speak to the teacher on Monday.

The things that helped with confidence with my dc were having opportunities to do activities they were good at, and having multiple groups of friends so they weren't solely reliable on school friends. I found hosting quite a lot of 1:1 playdates helped them to build up friendships too.

Reading this makes me sad as I was very much in the same situation at school. Some children can be really mean and you do wonder how aware their parents are that they are deliberately leaving others out.

Have you tried casually chatting to the parents of the ringleader and see if you think you may be able to plant the seed of kind words for other children. A friend of mine discovered that her DD had made unkind remarks to another child in her class. She has worked really hard to try and instill kind words and inclusion in her DD since. She also tried to set up play dates between the children again to try and build bridges and help them to get along.

Some children perhaps ones that are insecure can be unkind to others to make themselves feel better. I don't think children always realise how much they can upset other children by deliberately excluding them.

OP, im not sure if you’re saying you think DD’s weight might be an issue, so apologies if I’m speaking out of turn, but do have a look into the link between ultra processed foods and weight gain. It’s a massive societal problem

You said she would rather not do the after school activities because it cuts down in her park time. But is she playing alone in the park? The benefit of an after school activity is that is a sub section of all classes so a totally different dynamic-which night help ease her loneliness at break time. It could be worth trying. Appreciate is a balancing act as if the park makes her happy when shes having a rough patch its a dilemma to take it away. But reducing by one night a week for a few weeks might work.

What about rainbows/brownies. Activity based and team building. And some different girls from school and it you could tell the volunteers she is having a difficult time socially or offer to volunteer yourself.

@Time4achangeagain we try and avoid them but we probably eat more processed foods than we realise.

@vivaespanaole she finished rainbows recently. No spaces in brownies currently, one of her out of school friends is from rainbows. At the park she does find people to play with, but being in the middle of town there can be 40/50 kids there after school time, from all different schools.

@Justcallmrsc I've not seen the other girl's parents, but I only do one pick up a week due to work and I think she goes to breakfast club in the morning because I don't see her at all in the mornings.

Don’t speak to the parents, lots will defend their child. But do speak to her teacher. Tell the teacher DD must not know you’ve spoken but explain how she’s feeling excluded, alone and picked on by some of the others. The school have a raft of resources to help with this. Your DD doesn’t need to be told.
once she is happier in herself her focus on her body may resolve itself. I would only talk about health - how she’s strong, good at exercise, how her body is in tip to condition for all the things she wants to do. And repeat it

Could your daughter invite a friend from school around after school to your house for a play date? Ask her to chose someone. I often found that if I arranged play dates that the build ups forged friendships in school, they were excited to plan what they would do and what they'd have for tea etc. Then the friend might invite her back after school to her house? If she didn't want to miss out on her park play, you could take them both there first and back for tea after.

I’d also see what out of school activities there are. You mention she couldn’t get to Brownies, try the Scout Group instead. I know you mention Rugby clashes with swimming, but is there another club she could try in the meantime - Marshall arts of some sort, or maybe even a youth group? Whatever is run in your area.

I volunteer at a kids group, and often hear how the kids in our group gain confidence in what they do with us then translates to school. They can make great friends out of school, which really helps their own self worth when school is a bit shit for them.

She can’t ‘make’ people like her at school, as harsh as that sounds, but she can build up up good friendships elsewhere. And if she is more confident in her own skin, that will give her the ability to get on better at school.

I would of course speak to her teacher too - but approaching problem from different angles can only help.