How to build Dd7's self esteem

[Florencenotflo]

Sorry for the long post. I'm really struggling at the moment, despite googling I'm still at a loss.

Dd is 7, she used to be so confident, un-bothered by friend drama and able to find friends anywhere. Since the start of year 2 she's really changed.

Her best friend moved abroad in the summer before year 2 and I know she's really missing her. We've tried to stay in touch via pictures and videos sent between her mum and me. But it's not the same.

Dd has found another little group but 'Amy' is certainly in charge in this group and likes to tell dd when she can and can't play with them. I've tried to stay out of it and try to help dd deal with it herself (she doesn't want me speaking to her teacher). Dd says she's alone a lot of the time. She's mentioned letting them boss her around so they'll like her which of course we've talked about.

Dd has always been the tallest in her class and is certainly stocky, our whole family are (DH and I both used to play rugby) but she is healthy and very active. We don't comment on our own bodies negatively and I've always been positive around dd (even if I do have hang ups). But a boy in her swimming group called her fat and she's hung onto this since then.

Now anywhere we go, even school, getting dressed results in a meltdown over her tummy sticking out. It's sticks out the normal amount for a 7 year old (especially as she usually pokes it out further to prove her point).

No matter what I do, I can't seem to get my little girl back to how she was and it's breaking my heart. I struggled exactly as she is now but my parents said it was 'character building' and left me to it. It wasn't, it caused years of damage and eventually depression which only resolved when I found a group of friends in my late teens.

How do I raise her self esteem, her self confidence and get her to see how amazing she really is.

@Fourpeasinapodcast Fair enough if it seems trite to you. I probably would have found it hard to accept myself in the past.

My point is, we internalise a huge amount of what we hear (explicitly and implicitly) from our parents during childhood. Sometimes people are able to recognise, challenge and reject these messages, but most of the time they are taken on subconsciously and we scarcely recognise that this has happened.

In the example of appearance-based bullying, take someone who has something about themselves they cannot change - a visible facial or bodily difference they were born with or acquired through an accident. What makes the difference between the child who is bullied for it but can stand up for themselves and separate themselves from the names they are called vs the child for whom it is a lifetime struggle and source of pain and shame?

My point is that the child whose parents could accept them for who they were, could see past their difference, who was not themselves ashamed of their child's appearance, and who could handle the child's feelings of sadness, sadness etc about the bullying, without themselves being triggered, would internalise the message that they were ultimately ok, lovable, valuable etc. This is the protective bubble - the messages they internalise about themselves.

Yes, other sources of pride for the child - achievements in other areas etc can help, but they are not necessary if that bubble is strong. And speaking as someone who did get a lot of self esteem from (school) achievements, I think this is not always the panacea we might hope it to be.

The parents who could not accept the difference, or wanted to but were struggling with their own sense of anxiety about their child's situation, would not be able to pass on those same messages.

It is not easy to be that first parent, especially when you have issues from your own childhood. But reading and therapy can help - in my experience.

Fair enough if you disagree, but I wanted to try to explain further for anyone else who is interested. Visible difference is another thing we have experience of in our family (not size-related) so this is something I have needed to think about quite a lot.

Wow @WhackADoozy . I'm sorry you feel the need to make a dig about seeing therapy to help a child (and indeed family) in deed. For what it's worth, my child is now a 15 year who does not suffer with anxiety, precisely because of the therapeutic process and what we learned/how we developed from it.

I'm not having a dig. So there is no need for you to be sorry. I'm saying that the OP is sensibly and proactively helping her child now, when she's seven so she can get her into a situation wherever she doesn't have low self-esteem.

"For what it's worth" none of my four children have anxiety either so I don't quite know what you are getting at there.

Ahhh she's so young to be going through these feelings and ive been through similar with my teenage son and I really don't have any advice apart from join lots of extra curriculum groups if you can and ensure she has safe spaces outside of school. Build on the relationship with her friend. Maybe writing letters or making little videos and ensure there's lots of positive messages in there, what they miss about each other etc so they're reminded what they have to offer a friend.

im not sure if you've heard it and it's not relevant for your daughter but I play the James bay song, brilliant still regularly for my son as he's now a young adult and it's so true that we just want our babies to see themselves the way we see them.

maybe it might resonate with you ❤️

I would still talk to the teacher and ask them to deal with it discreetly. The girl needs her behaviour dealing with and not be allowed to get away with making another child miserable.

My advice would be hobbies/clubs. Whatever gets her meeting new people and being active.

Could you maybe try a drama group or something similar that might give her a bit of confidence and bring her out of her shell a bit? The teachers of these sorts of groups are great at building confidence in kids that need it! Your post has broken my heart a bit for you and your poor girl, really hope this all gets resolved soon

My dd experienced this sort of thing in year 2 and year 5.
I talked to the teacher, in year 2 the teacher hoped it would blow over..it didn't, so I went back and said she had to deal with it or I'd have no choice but to approach the parent.
Elsas are a great idea if the school has one.
I kept dd busy, joined her up to Brownies etc
I organised 1:1'playdates
I also talked it to death!
I talked a lot with my dd about why the other girl would behave in this way..it was clearly because she had low self esteem, a difficult home life and felt she had no control.
I thought it was important to understand that the problem was nothing to do with dd..she could have picked on anyone.
In year 2 I used a self esteem workbook that involved working through confidence building exercises to gain stickers..she loved it.
In year 5 we used the American Girl range of books and they were superb. The real life examples brought a fresh perspective and the role play exercises made me realise it was useless me telling dd what to say ..she had to come up with her own responses.
My dd has had a relatively drama free secondary school experience and I think it's because we worked on her confidence and how to deal with this kind of nonsense in primary school.

I'd say alongside what others have said, also try and build up her friendships with friends outside of school. So often at that age, school friends are viewed as actual friends, and friends from other activities aren't really invited to play dates, birthday parties or outings.
This should give her the opportunity to have some lovely time away from any school drama and be with friends who like her and have fun, will give her something to talk about in school that others won't have done, and will hopefully boost her self esteem - and although secondary school is a long way off, she may well end up at a school where some of the other kids are too.

Id recommend team sports that value tall kids : volleyball, basketball.

For anything weight related just ask her GP, and take their advice really, it could be a simple nutritionist referral who will help you tailor her diet to her depending on physical activity, combined with food she appreciates and is used to : she’ll never know (and doesn’t need to, I agree with this, but it would be a shame not to take up the opportunity if you have it, and the GP advice will stop you second guessing yourself also).

How is her stamina ? Volleyball and basketball can be energetic so it’s all benefits, and also takes the focus on what you described as large build (I’m not native English!) and places it on the height, as an asset.

Definitely try rugby and brownies as you have already planned to, fingers crossed for spots to free up.

7 is also a good age to try a musical instrument, if she is so enclined.

There are dance types that benefit from stronger builds also (I do ballet since toddler, now 32, so definitely avoid that, it’s not the right age if you have body esteem issues as all the previously slim girls will soon be changing bodies, but I have friends in all types). Some types of gymnastics might work also (when I say work, sorry I’m not finding the right words, I mean if you take my example for ballet it can damage your joints hence the usually rather slim build, but that’s quite specific to a couple of sports, I’m unsure about gymnastics as I stopped earlier)

Does she like art ? Pottery, drawing ?

If you can find something she enjoys, and develops a reasonable ‘talent’ in (which at 7 basically means being a team player and enjoying it, but that could develop further : either into one particular activity or being well rounded, all are great).

Shes at a great age to be able to try all sorts out, so I’d definitely give it a go (if you wait a couple of years, you may find yourself in the awkward position of too old for beginners toddlers groups, not experienced for pre teens). And 7 is the fun time, before it gets competitive, depending!
Good luck, I really like the PP example about her son showing his art project to his class.