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Original poster

DP staying overnight with female friends on stag

88 replies

japanflowers · 11/05/2023 07:54

Hi all,

Not sure how to feel about this and opinions would be much appreciated.

My fiancé has female friends who he has known since he was in his late teens. They have a friendship group of just them, there are no other men.

The friends have arranged his stag do. The group of them are staying in a shared AirBnb overnight, some distance away from where my fiancé and I live. They will all have separate rooms but are staying in the same apartment.

I'm really not sure how to feel about this. I am fine with him having female friends, but I think staying in a shared AirBnb with a group of female friends (no other males) is going a bit too far.

Opinions please?

OP posts:

Almie · 11/05/2023 09:30

japanflowers · 11/05/2023 08:52

It isn't that I don't trust him. It is that I think it is crossing the line - staying overnight. I think it's disrespectful.

See I agree with you OP, but I'm aware I'm in the minority. Luckily my husband has the same view as me so it doesn't cause us problems.

It's not that I don't trust him or any female friend he may have for that matter, but to me it just seems really inappropriate even if nothing else happened other than sharing a room! I wouldn't share a bedroom with my brother, so I don't follow it when people say "oh but I just view them like a sibling". There are very few people on this earth I'd happily share a room with tbh, so it's probably just a "me" thing. I view sharing a room as deeply intimate.

WeWereInParis · 11/05/2023 09:32

@Almie they aren't sharing a room. OP says separate rooms.

WeWereInParis · 11/05/2023 09:33

The question is, would he be OK with me sharing an AirBnb with 3 male friends?

Well, would he? If not then his hypocrisy would bother me, not the sharing an Air BnB.

Almie · 11/05/2023 09:34

@WeWereInParis oh, right. I can't say I'd be bothered about that then tbh. But I don't know what to advise OP, if you're not comfortable then you're not comfortable, but this is one of those things where your partners view of boundaries needs to match yours on I guess. Maybe you just need to have a chat about it so you can see why he views it differently to you, it might make you feel more comfortable?

Feraldogmum · 11/05/2023 09:36

It’s a stag do but no men are going? He may have close female friends from university ,but why are his male friends not going? Does he have any male friends, because this is exceptionally weird ,says he either likes having adoring women about him with all attention on him as the only male, or he’s frankly closeted . If the former I’m afraid it’s not on,it’s simply not done, you are now in a relationship as the exclusive female and going off with a bunch of women should only be if there are other blokes there ,or you are included.It may sound old fashioned, it let’s face it, most women would be uncomfortable with this.

7eleven · 11/05/2023 09:37

If he wanted a romantic relationship with any of these woman, he wouldn’t be with you. It’s a little unusual that there’s no male friends, I must admit.

mindutopia · 11/05/2023 10:01

Sounds absolutely fine. Dh used to have a house share with nearly all female friends (except his one guy friend). Never even crossed my mind to worry about it.

These are his lifelong friends. If they wanted to shag him, they certainly wouldn't wait to do it on the weekend of his stag do just before he gets married. They clearly see him as 'one of the girls' and that's lovely. He's lucky to have such good friends.

HerMammy · 11/05/2023 10:12

So by some comments here many men aren't allowed to travel
in a mixed sex group be it for fun/sport/business, didn't realise it was 1952

Whiskers4 · 11/05/2023 10:18

I've been married over 25 years and really wouldn't have a problem with this. Having said that in earlier days, I'd have been a bit unsure.

After so long together, I know I can totally trust DH, he meets female friends and colleagues for coffee, and I wouldn't have a problem if he stayed over if a few of tgewere going out- he often invites me along for social things (I don't always go as he's their friend and appreciate they might want time with him).

CrumpetsandJammmm · 11/05/2023 10:24

If DH thought I was incapable of sharing a group holiday home with a friend of the opposite sex without jumping into bed with them, I think our marriage might be over…

GoneTillNovember · 11/05/2023 10:32

I would have no problem with this at all... I find it really odd that it would bother you!

Sometimeswinning · 11/05/2023 10:35

SleepingStandingUp · 11/05/2023 08:10

Why are their women your partner is friends with who you don't trust him to not cheat on you with? I'm sorry you're in a marriage where you feel like that's a real risk.

Show quote history

I didn't say I think he'd cheat I said I wouldn't like it. Thanks for your fake sympathy though.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 11/05/2023 10:37

japanflowers · 11/05/2023 08:33

I trust him, but I'm finding it difficult to get around the mixed sex thing. Noted that it is a me problem.

The question is, would he be OK with me sharing an AirBnb with 3 male friends?

No. You don't trust him. It is your problem and you have a shitty view of women.

Trying to turn it around to would it be ok if you were with three men is ridiculous. These are his friends and he's ok with it. He's the only one who could make it 'not ok' and if he's given no sign of that to you then you're are being unfair.

Tell him. Perhaps he'll have second thoughts - about marrying a woman who doesn't trust him.
[

CurlewKate · 11/05/2023 11:01

@japanflowers I am struggling to understand. If you trust him then what is the issue here? What to you mean by crossing the line?

SheilaFentiman · 11/05/2023 11:17

Would you feel differently if they were at a hotel and went back to their separate rooms after being out at the pub?

Original poster

japanflowers · 11/05/2023 11:21

SheilaFentiman · 11/05/2023 11:17

Would you feel differently if they were at a hotel and went back to their separate rooms after being out at the pub?

Yes this would be fine, but by staying in an AirBnb it's all open and they can go in and out of each other's bedrooms.

He has no male friends! He thought he was asexual before he met me, I am his first relationship.

I'm just feeling really anxious 😥

OP posts:

SheilaFentiman · 11/05/2023 11:29

Ok, they could… but they probably won’t, if there is communal space.

What bothers you about going in and out of bedrooms?

thekindlyone · 11/05/2023 11:29

japanflowers · 11/05/2023 11:21

Yes this would be fine, but by staying in an AirBnb it's all open and they can go in and out of each other's bedrooms.

He has no male friends! He thought he was asexual before he met me, I am his first relationship.

I'm just feeling really anxious 😥

Show quote history

If he was going to cheat with one of them, he could do it anyway. If they're been friends for years presumably he's been alone in the same building with them before. But thankfully someone can be in the same house as someone of whatever sex they're attracted to without jumping in their pants.

Lcb123 · 11/05/2023 11:32

They’re his long standing friends. The fact you are questioning it demonstrates you don’t trust him, that’s your issue not his.

SouthLondonMum22 · 11/05/2023 11:41

japanflowers · 11/05/2023 11:21

Yes this would be fine, but by staying in an AirBnb it's all open and they can go in and out of each other's bedrooms.

He has no male friends! He thought he was asexual before he met me, I am his first relationship.

I'm just feeling really anxious 😥

Show quote history

Why would they be going in and out of each others bedrooms?

Even if they were, what's the issue if they are ok with it?

I don't understand why an AirBnB is disrespectful.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 11/05/2023 11:46

japanflowers · 11/05/2023 11:21

Yes this would be fine, but by staying in an AirBnb it's all open and they can go in and out of each other's bedrooms.

He has no male friends! He thought he was asexual before he met me, I am his first relationship.

I'm just feeling really anxious 😥

Show quote history

Okay, so they can go in and out of each others rooms at hotels as well. In fact if he was going to cheat this would be the easier way to do it because no one could accidentally stumble into the room unless they had a key.

So let's just say he does go into one of their rooms or they go into his... What do you think might happen next? You clearly think he will sleep with one/all of them or fall for them.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 11/05/2023 11:58

You know your oh better than us. I'm obviously in the minority because I wouldn't have liked it, and I know my dh wouldn't have liked it either. I went away quite a lot on work trips with men, but trips with colleagues and friendship trips are very different, even when the work dos were social events.
Your situation with your oh is different as you say he only has female friends, so I don't know how I would feel in your case. With it being an all female stag group you are probably "safer" - at least he won't be in an out of strip clubs. I think you have to let him go and trust him, but be very clear that if you can't choose friends for him, he can't choose friends for you. What's good for the goose and all that!

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 11/05/2023 12:01

@japanflowers you do realise that if they stayed in a hotel they could still let each other into each bedroom?

You sound really insecure. He's not going to do anything wrong with his friends he's known longer than you. If he was going to, it would have happened already.

Scot75 · 11/05/2023 12:01

Do you know his female friends? Are they accepting of you? I have an issue with one of my BF’s female friends. She’s the daughter of a neighbour and 20 years younger than him. She flirts outrageously with him, takes my seat if I get up and then puts her legs across his lap (he doesn’t touch her legs like he would if I did it). She insults me all the time too. That makes me uncomfortable but I trust him.

Ilovetea42 · 11/05/2023 12:03

I think it's fine as they have their own rooms. I personally wouldn't have a problem with this unless you have a specific problem with one of the friends going?

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