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Original poster

DP staying overnight with female friends on stag

88 replies

japanflowers · 11/05/2023 07:54

Hi all,

Not sure how to feel about this and opinions would be much appreciated.

My fiancé has female friends who he has known since he was in his late teens. They have a friendship group of just them, there are no other men.

The friends have arranged his stag do. The group of them are staying in a shared AirBnb overnight, some distance away from where my fiancé and I live. They will all have separate rooms but are staying in the same apartment.

I'm really not sure how to feel about this. I am fine with him having female friends, but I think staying in a shared AirBnb with a group of female friends (no other males) is going a bit too far.

Opinions please?

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 11/05/2023 08:41

@japanflowers "I trust him, but I'm finding it difficult to get around the mixed sex thing. Noted that it is a me problem.

The question is, would he be OK with me sharing an AirBnb with 3 male friends?"
Seriously- if you trust him why is it at issue?

And if he doesn't trust you-don't marry him.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 11/05/2023 08:41

japanflowers · 11/05/2023 08:33

I trust him, but I'm finding it difficult to get around the mixed sex thing. Noted that it is a me problem.

The question is, would he be OK with me sharing an AirBnb with 3 male friends?

If you trust him then what is the problem?
Genuinely try and put it into words why you're so bothered.

Can't comment on what he would be okay with since we don't know him, but I don't see why he'd be bothered in the same situation.

SeasonFinale · 11/05/2023 08:48

If he wanted to have sex with any of them he could do that without staying overnight.

The question isn't whether he would be OK with you staying overnight with 3 male friends, it is purely whether you have an issue with the actual situation where he has these female friends which is seemingly yes.

However that suggests that there is no trust from you in the relationship and therefore is it really the right partner for you?

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 11/05/2023 08:48

I'm male, and my best friend since my teens is female.

I can't think of anyone I'd want to sleep with less, and I'm sure she'd say the same, it would feel utterly incestuous. You can't maintain a friendship for that many years with someone of the opposite sex if you're attracted to them.

I'd wager that most men who cheat on stag do's do it by getting a lap dance or meeting some random in a bar. I'd say the chances or that happening a significantly lowered when he's staying in an Airbnb with two women.

burnoutbabe · 11/05/2023 08:49

I remember I have been on the stag do of 2 blokes I was friends with and had previously slept with casually before they got together with their partners (in one case partner was my friend first but both partners knew the score)

And we all stayed together after the stag nights. Was fine. They were the type of men who probably prefer a female their as not laddish lads.

Ah simpler times!

Original poster
japanflowers · 11/05/2023 08:52

It isn't that I don't trust him. It is that I think it is crossing the line - staying overnight. I think it's disrespectful.

OP posts:
Smallyellowbird · 11/05/2023 08:53

If you really did trust him, or at least accept that his close group of friend are female, I don't think you would have started this thread.

I think you need to get your feelings about his cfemale friends sorted before you get married. If you can't accept his friendship group maybe you do need to give him an ultimatum, better to give it before rather than after the marriage.

Notbeinfunnehbut · 11/05/2023 08:54

burnoutbabe · 11/05/2023 08:49

I remember I have been on the stag do of 2 blokes I was friends with and had previously slept with casually before they got together with their partners (in one case partner was my friend first but both partners knew the score)

And we all stayed together after the stag nights. Was fine. They were the type of men who probably prefer a female their as not laddish lads.

Ah simpler times!

You see to me that’s incredibly disrespectful to the wife to be

I wouldn’t expect my husband to tolerate the reverse situation either

Notbeinfunnehbut · 11/05/2023 08:56

Although in regard to the op

because this friendship group pre existed you it’s a bit unfair to say no unless there is history then I would say no , it wouldn’t be fair to put you in that situation

but it’s always been all platonic then it’s unreasonable to say no

SallyWD · 11/05/2023 08:57

My DH also has female friends from when he was at uni. He's often stayed with them. They've had skiing holidays together (I was invited but hate skiing do chose not to go). I trust my DH not to do anything with these friends. It sounds like you don't trust your partner.

beachwhirly · 11/05/2023 08:58

Obviously they'll be having a massive orgy. Hmm

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 11/05/2023 08:59

japanflowers · 11/05/2023 08:52

It isn't that I don't trust him. It is that I think it is crossing the line - staying overnight. I think it's disrespectful.

In what way though?

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 11/05/2023 09:01

Well I'm assuming he hasn't slept with them when they've met up in daylight so it probably won't be any different if they happen all stay somewhere overnight.

Bordey · 11/05/2023 09:02

I would not care, and would expect the same if situation was reversed.

They're not sharing a bed, what's the issue? If mistrust, not a healthy sign for a future good relationship. Have you been cheated on in the past? Do you fear there are romantic feelings or history between him and someone in the group?

Bordey · 11/05/2023 09:06

Genuinely, why do you feel this is disrespectful? It's practical. I'd expect my husband to be able to spend time and go away with his friends, female or male. Either I trust him, or I don't.

wildfirewonder · 11/05/2023 09:07

Disrespectful how?

If you think the relationship between him and one of these women is/could become sexual, I guess you don't trust him/people in general?

river2 · 11/05/2023 09:08

I'm a little surprised he has absolutely no
male friends, just as I'm a little surprised when women say they're only friends with men.

readbooksdrinktea · 11/05/2023 09:11

Ultimatums are never great, are they? If that's where the relationship is, marriage is not a good idea. Where do the ultimatums stop?

Besides, these friends pre-existed you. His choice might not be what you'd hope for.

User124534687 · 11/05/2023 09:13

japanflowers · 11/05/2023 08:52

It isn't that I don't trust him. It is that I think it is crossing the line - staying overnight. I think it's disrespectful.

It’s crossing a line for you so what can you do about it?

None of us can really help you because this is a you thing. Since this bothers you, do something to help yourself feel comfortable with it.

I’d recommend some sessions with a counsellor about why this is triggering for you. Relate is a good one for any kind of relationship stuff, you don’t have to go as a couple. It’ll be something to do with your attachment or something like that, some experience you had in your formative years which is getting re-activated.

I hope you can find some comfort in the situation. 💐

littlefireseverywhere · 11/05/2023 09:14

I don’t get the issue? They’re in separate rooms, you either trust him or you don’t!

User124534687 · 11/05/2023 09:16

Ps I don’t mean we can’t help, but I mean us saying how we’d feel in your shoes is totally irrelevant to you. You’re in your shoes and you feel uncomfortable. That’s what you need support with. He’s not the problem (unless you think he is, because he’s untrustworthy, in which case don’t marry this man because this won’t end here).

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 11/05/2023 09:16

I think if you've never had a problem with them all being friends before and now you're going to kick off, it's not going to look good on you. They'll all think you're being weird and it will probably cause arguments.

If you feel uncomfortable about it, you feel uncomfortable about it but I honestly can't see how unless one of them fancies him (which they probably don't), or something happened before you got together.

TheVolturi · 11/05/2023 09:20

Personality I hate that people think that men and women can't be platonic friends.

Maddy70 · 11/05/2023 09:21

If you don't trust him. Why are you marrying him?

Most of my closest friends are men always have been.
NoTHING sexual has ever occurred. We are just friends

Jazzyjezzabelle · 11/05/2023 09:23

You think it’s disrespectful to share an air b n b with his mates from being teens, wow.

what do you think he’s going to do. Suddenly find they all want to shag each other.

it is a you problem. I think you need to deal with your jealousy and insecurity. On the other hand if you think so little of him you think he will shag a mate first opportunity then end the relationship.

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