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Original poster

I can't keep doing this 😭

56 replies

Diy25 · 10/05/2023 12:28

DS has just turned 16 . For a while he has been very aggressive towards me and violent. He does have alot of mental heath stuff going on. He is getting help from CAMHS. He has toned down the way he talks to me compared to say a few months or so back.

But his attitude towards me is just awful. He thinks I have to answer to him. He questions me in an awful tone why his siblings are not in school. The tone is like im a bit of shit on the bottom of his shoe.

Hes been having his music on so loud along with the base that it's vibrating the house and no one can hear their stuff such as the TV. And the feel of the vibration is awful. I asked him to turn it down. And he starts his nasty tone saying "I bet (sister) is moaning . And she has her music on" she does have it on but at a normal volume and there's no base etc she's only using an amazon speaker.. also it was not her asking but me .

I really want to make it clear that ds does have massive problems with his mental health to the extent he tried to end his life several months ago. I know his therapist is looking into possible ADHD also doing an assessment to do with cognitive thinking?

I'm going to sound awful when I say this . I don't mean to be but I have to say it or it does not give the full information. I have noticed that when he has a go at me or especially Dd. When he gets caught out with something he has moaned about or done some shit staring he starts saying DD says things like just go and kill yourself just die.. DD does not know what happend several months ths back . Also I have never heard her say it. I have heard her shout things like get out of my room fuck off etc but I have never heard her say go kill yourself. And he seems to fall onto that every time he gets caught out.

Please don't think I do t care about what happend to him I truly do and I thought for a very long time to get him help . And if I did not care I would not have put up with all the stuff I have.

All this should be very simple stuff. All the to loud music and similar stuff should be typical teenage /family stuff . But the reaction is beyond that. Even asking about food /Dinner he demands. Talks to me like shit.

I'm practically making a 12 year old walk on eggs shells . Then what am I showing her for when she's older its ok for males to treat you this way. Wtf am I doing 🥺

Dd has not been well past day or so. I have to drag her on buses etc when she's not well because they can't be left in the house together.

For info . Ds Is not in education. I'm a single parent.

I may end up explaining more as I go as this has not been easy to write. As I have said i love him dearly but sometimes it's to much . If I feel any comments are over the top nasty then I will not be replying.

OP posts:
lifeturnsonadime · 10/05/2023 12:44

This is awful for your daughter.

It can't continue.

Have you involved social services? It might be that there are underlying reasons for your son's behaviour but your priority does need to be to keep you and your daughter safe.

We had issues similar with our son when he was quite a bit younger (he was 10 and she was 7 at the time) Those issues have been resolved now, undiagnosed SEN and the behaviour has resolved with medication but the impact on our daughter has been long term. She is now still some years later needing therapy. So you have my sympathy but please prioritise your daughter.

Involving Social Services will help speed up help for your son if it is what he needs too.

lifeturnsonadime · 10/05/2023 12:45

If he has a therapist for anxiety and mental health issues have they suggested medication?

Anxiety medication was a life changer for our son.

KevinDeBrioche · 10/05/2023 12:46

I think you need outside help, OP. Protecting yourself and your daughter is a priority.

Seas164 · 10/05/2023 12:48

That sounds really difficult OP, I have a friend who was in a similar situation and although it's resolved itself now and her son is now in his early twenties there was a very difficult physically violent period around the same age.

Can I ask what the situation is with his father, is he in the picture?

Original poster
Diy25 · 10/05/2023 12:51

Seas164 · 10/05/2023 12:48

That sounds really difficult OP, I have a friend who was in a similar situation and although it's resolved itself now and her son is now in his early twenties there was a very difficult physically violent period around the same age.

Can I ask what the situation is with his father, is he in the picture?

Hes not in the picture no contact since birth.

OP posts:
Original poster
Diy25 · 10/05/2023 12:52

lifeturnsonadime · 10/05/2023 12:45

If he has a therapist for anxiety and mental health issues have they suggested medication?

Anxiety medication was a life changer for our son.

Therapist has never mentioned it. So maybe that's not an option at the moment. Nor sure hexwouls even take it

OP posts:
hamstersarse · 10/05/2023 12:54

Does his life have any meaning or any goals? You say he is not in education - what is he doing? Young men, ADHD or not, need some goals and meaning.

He sounds beyond frustrated - which won't medicate away

Original poster
Diy25 · 10/05/2023 12:56

lifeturnsonadime · 10/05/2023 12:44

This is awful for your daughter.

It can't continue.

Have you involved social services? It might be that there are underlying reasons for your son's behaviour but your priority does need to be to keep you and your daughter safe.

We had issues similar with our son when he was quite a bit younger (he was 10 and she was 7 at the time) Those issues have been resolved now, undiagnosed SEN and the behaviour has resolved with medication but the impact on our daughter has been long term. She is now still some years later needing therapy. So you have my sympathy but please prioritise your daughter.

Involving Social Services will help speed up help for your son if it is what he needs too.

Social were about for a bit when things were worse. Closed the case within 4/6 weeks . There's not much they can do . He does not engage. They see it that i keep his siblings safe as they are never left alone .. but seens to be fuck everyone else's mental health. I'm saying that but no magic wound is there

OP posts:
spudulike1 · 10/05/2023 12:58

I have a DD who has suspected Adhd. She plays really loud drum and base music with the base making horrible sounds through the house. She says that she needs the noise to quieten her brain. She can have her phone showing tiktok and her laptop with a netflix show on and her music on loud and the noise will calm her and she will fall asleep. I'm not excusing his behaviour at all just seeing if i cant explain that aspect a little.

Original poster
Diy25 · 10/05/2023 13:04

spudulike1 · 10/05/2023 12:58

I have a DD who has suspected Adhd. She plays really loud drum and base music with the base making horrible sounds through the house. She says that she needs the noise to quieten her brain. She can have her phone showing tiktok and her laptop with a netflix show on and her music on loud and the noise will calm her and she will fall asleep. I'm not excusing his behaviour at all just seeing if i cant explain that aspect a little.

I don't really care when he has loud things on. But when it's vibrating the house. Possibly my neighbours house as well its a bit much . Also when you have the cheek to moan that your sibling has music on pretty low that I can't hear at all and he's got a cheek to moan about it in a really nasty way.

But yes I don't mind Loud music generally

OP posts:
Original poster
Diy25 · 10/05/2023 13:25

hamstersarse · 10/05/2023 12:54

Does his life have any meaning or any goals? You say he is not in education - what is he doing? Young men, ADHD or not, need some goals and meaning.

He sounds beyond frustrated - which won't medicate away

He does not have any goals at all. There's stuff he's good at . But when therapist talks to him he seems to say what she wants to hear. When I touch on things he just tells over me and won't let me speak even though its positive.

OP posts:
Joystir59 · 10/05/2023 13:52

Tell ss he can no longer live with you. Protect your daughter

ehb102 · 10/05/2023 13:57

Is he hearing voices? If he thinks someone is saying that he should kill himself, that's concerning.

TomatoSandwiches · 10/05/2023 14:01

I would suggest getting social services to put him in supportive accommodation. You and your DD shouldn't have to deal with a violent aggressive male in the house, even if he is depressed, no excuse.

BMW6 · 10/05/2023 14:08

Sorry if this sounds trite but can't both children use headphones for starters, then neither is causing a racket and they can enjoy their own music.?

Does you son have any ambition for anything at all? Anything he'd like to do in future, like travel somewhere?

Original poster
Diy25 · 10/05/2023 14:12

BMW6 · 10/05/2023 14:08

Sorry if this sounds trite but can't both children use headphones for starters, then neither is causing a racket and they can enjoy their own music.?

Does you son have any ambition for anything at all? Anything he'd like to do in future, like travel somewhere?

We are way beyond that. This is not about ear phones

OP posts:
Original poster
Diy25 · 10/05/2023 14:19

TomatoSandwiches · 10/05/2023 14:01

I would suggest getting social services to put him in supportive accommodation. You and your DD shouldn't have to deal with a violent aggressive male in the house, even if he is depressed, no excuse.

He would end up in the care system. He's to vulnerable to Be in supported accommodation. I think they just have staff checking on them now and then... I think i need to look it up actually.

Also social services work on keeping the family together and working with them. I'm not sure how that would work.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 10/05/2023 14:25

Diy25 · 10/05/2023 14:19

He would end up in the care system. He's to vulnerable to Be in supported accommodation. I think they just have staff checking on them now and then... I think i need to look it up actually.

Also social services work on keeping the family together and working with them. I'm not sure how that would work.

Show quote history

At 16 he would not truly be in the care system and there are different kinds of care that they can provide, you would still have parental rights.
Sometimes supportive accommodation is used because the young person can no longer live at home because it is detrimental to them AND the other family members, sometimes space and time apart is actually good for everyone involved.
I was in and out of foster care and have experience of supportive accommodation, it was a positive experience and helped me to discover what I wanted to do at college.

I would really consider this as an option.

Original poster
Diy25 · 10/05/2023 14:29

TomatoSandwiches · 10/05/2023 14:25

At 16 he would not truly be in the care system and there are different kinds of care that they can provide, you would still have parental rights.
Sometimes supportive accommodation is used because the young person can no longer live at home because it is detrimental to them AND the other family members, sometimes space and time apart is actually good for everyone involved.
I was in and out of foster care and have experience of supportive accommodation, it was a positive experience and helped me to discover what I wanted to do at college.

I would really consider this as an option.

Show quote history

Yes its just a vert scary thought. Also I don't want to let him down. Also it's the safety side of it. If he was to try and end his life thete may not be someone to stop him. Also he does other things to put himself in danger . So it's the safety side as well.

OP posts:
TheInterceptor · 10/05/2023 14:38

If you dont make changes, you risk it being your daughter attempting suicide next.

Original poster
Diy25 · 10/05/2023 14:41

TheInterceptor · 10/05/2023 14:38

If you dont make changes, you risk it being your daughter attempting suicide next.

Thanks for that . But no that's not the case at all. She's definitely not feeling that way or showing Any signs .

OP posts:
lifeturnsonadime · 10/05/2023 15:12

Diy25 · 10/05/2023 14:41

Thanks for that . But no that's not the case at all. She's definitely not feeling that way or showing Any signs .

Show quote history

But at the very least you risk destroying your relationship with her.

My daughter resents me for my son's behaviour when he was 10 and in a way she is right. We had to tread on eggshells, just like you have said you do. And he was only 10 at the time. He is 16 now I can't imagine what it would be like if he was behaving the way he was at 10 now he's bigger and stronger.

You do have to put your daughter first.
It is not just the risk to her mental health and your relationship with her, there is a serious risk to her safety if he is out of control when he is aggressive.

Is it possible to have a rational conversation with him about the impact of his behaviour? I couldn't with my child when he was 10 but maybe you can? He can't be allowed to continue to treat you both like this. Are there any consequences?

Mental health issues or not violence is unacceptable. He is crossing a line and by doing nothing you are letting him and will cause other consequences, mainly to your daughter whose childhood is being ruined.

MistySkiesAreGone · 10/05/2023 15:12

I'm really sorry. I don't normally post on these as not a parent so feel free to ignore but it sounds similar to sibling relationship with my brother. He was later dx with paranoid schizophrenia- not at all saying that is your son but there are a coalition of difficult symptoms with MH issues.

As the sister I genuinely thought he hated me and that was quite damaging. In turn I hit back, plus there were teen hormones at play. In adult life I asked him why he bullied me and he said he thought he was jealous as I had better communication skills than him. It might be worth speaking to them individually about if there is anything they do like about each other and remind them that they don't have to like each other at this point but they do need to be civil. It is absolutely not acceptable to undermine each other, end of. I also wonder if family therapy would help, I don't know, I am not a SW! The undermining of you sounds awful and is so disrespectful, how would he feel if you did the same? However there is some kind of block in teen brains that stops a degree of empathy and self awareness while it is developing so remember a part of this is hormones plus MH issues. Wherever he can get outside and spend time would probably do him good or pursue creative interests.

Beezknees · 10/05/2023 15:13

Not all supported accommodation is the same OP, I used to volunteer at one and it was staffed 24 hours a day with support staff and an on site counsellor who they got to meet with every week.

lifeturnsonadime · 10/05/2023 15:14

Is he under CAMHS? He needs a psychologist not a therapist?

If you and your daughter are at risk and he's threatening suicide you should call the emergency team and don't take no for an answer.