I can't keep doing this 😭

[Diy25]

DS has just turned 16 . For a while he has been very aggressive towards me and violent. He does have alot of mental heath stuff going on. He is getting help from CAMHS. He has toned down the way he talks to me compared to say a few months or so back.

But his attitude towards me is just awful. He thinks I have to answer to him. He questions me in an awful tone why his siblings are not in school. The tone is like im a bit of shit on the bottom of his shoe.

Hes been having his music on so loud along with the base that it's vibrating the house and no one can hear their stuff such as the TV. And the feel of the vibration is awful. I asked him to turn it down. And he starts his nasty tone saying "I bet (sister) is moaning . And she has her music on" she does have it on but at a normal volume and there's no base etc she's only using an amazon speaker.. also it was not her asking but me .

I really want to make it clear that ds does have massive problems with his mental health to the extent he tried to end his life several months ago. I know his therapist is looking into possible ADHD also doing an assessment to do with cognitive thinking?

I'm going to sound awful when I say this . I don't mean to be but I have to say it or it does not give the full information. I have noticed that when he has a go at me or especially Dd. When he gets caught out with something he has moaned about or done some shit staring he starts saying DD says things like just go and kill yourself just die.. DD does not know what happend several months ths back . Also I have never heard her say it. I have heard her shout things like get out of my room fuck off etc but I have never heard her say go kill yourself. And he seems to fall onto that every time he gets caught out.

Please don't think I do t care about what happend to him I truly do and I thought for a very long time to get him help . And if I did not care I would not have put up with all the stuff I have.

All this should be very simple stuff. All the to loud music and similar stuff should be typical teenage /family stuff . But the reaction is beyond that. Even asking about food /Dinner he demands. Talks to me like shit.

I'm practically making a 12 year old walk on eggs shells . Then what am I showing her for when she's older its ok for males to treat you this way. Wtf am I doing 🥺

Dd has not been well past day or so. I have to drag her on buses etc when she's not well because they can't be left in the house together.

For info . Ds Is not in education. I'm a single parent.

I may end up explaining more as I go as this has not been easy to write. As I have said i love him dearly but sometimes it's to much . If I feel any comments are over the top nasty then I will not be replying.

That was one time and maybe the first time you called police? If you keep calling them every time he damages something or assaults someone, they'll start making referrals to SS because he's a troubled person who needs intervention. I was told to call the police about a neighbor swearing at me, no threat of violence, just swearing, because it builds up evidence of a long term pattern of antisocial behaviour (along with other things they did) which means the landlord could evict them.

You're feeling intimidated by his aggressive way of speaking to you because that's how he wants you to feel. It's deliberate. He's using the unspoken threat of violence to control you and get his own way. Your feelings are totally natural in the circumstances.

This situation you're in, the solution isn't for you (and others in the house) to learn how to put up with the abuse and tolerate it without fear. If you did manage to do that you'd be a very messed up person. You shouldn't put up with it, nobody deserves this behaviour towards them. You should be afraid, he's a threat to you physically and mentally. You don't have to live like this.

The solution is for his behaviour including the verbal abuse and general anti social behaviour to stop. And for him to repair the relationship between you. For that to happen he needs to first decide for himself that his behaviour is unacceptable, recognise that you don't deserve it and he isn't the most important person in the house. Second he then needs to find other ways of coping with his emotions that doesn't involve ignoring others needs and taking his frustration/anger out on them. Third he needs to feel remorseful for what he's put you all through, apologize and mean it, recognise that you're going to have your own anger/upset about how you've been treated and accept it's fine for you to have those feelings, and realise that you might not be ready to forgive him for ages or ever. He's a long way off that degree of progress and may never get there.

Changing his outward behaviour without changing the underlying beliefs is just going to lead to an uneasy truce where you're all walking on eggshells in case he kicks off again. If he thinks it's fine to dish out abuse the way he has been doing, or that you should put up with it if he treats you that way, how can you ever trust him to not treat you that way? You can't, which means feeling unsafe in your own home the whole time he lives there. A situation where only he is allowed to have feelings and if the rest of you have any feelings about how you get treated by him, he gets angry with you for not pressing the reset button and pretending it never happened. That's not a solution. It's hugely psychologically damaging for the rest of you.

Also it's common that if someone is helped to stop/thwarted from carrying out physical abuse, that person will then often switch to other forms of abuse. If the mental torture he's now trying out is new (telling you his sister said to go kill himself, when she didn't) this is probably what's happening. Changing the outward behaviour without changing the underlying beliefs doesn't work as a way of preventing abuse. It possibly works as a way of preventing you getting beaten up, but most people who've survived domestic abuse will tell you that the mental scars from emotional abuse last far longer than the physical wounds of a beating (as long as you're not permanently maimed or killed). Intervention in "how not to be physically violent to your family" helps him not go to prison and helps everyone else stay alive, but it's a very very low bar when it comes to acceptable behaviour.

I spoke to ds psychologists today had a long talk. She's going to speak to her manager see what they can come uo with for some form of support. So guess I will hear soon.

I know this probably sounds petty to most people. But it mean something to me because of what has been going on.

Oldest ds came to see us today . There were no serious type conversations . Teen ds was messing about with very guns . Messing about with his yountwr brother we were having a general laugh.

Teen Ds then went to meet his boyfriend down the road very briefly popped back in as. Teen ds boyfriend wanted to say hello to oldest ds. They then went to his okder sisters house.

Teen ds then asked me to get his a vape I said no to him . He asked me 3 or 4 messages asking me in different ways. He's also constantly asking for money even though he has 15.00 a week . I also pay for his mobile

As soon as I put my foot down oberthe vape he starts sending me the messages that I have shown.

Also on a status hes put " I swear down people are asking for shit"

No one has done anything or said anything to him at all there was no victim type conversation at all. And they gave not argued or had any words in any negative way.

I'm now waiting for him to start when he comes in.

It's weird because he's making me feel guilty when I have not done anything wrong.

None of this is normal OP.

what are 'very guns'?

Have you been drinking? Is your daughter safe?

Sorry it should have said nerf guns . Not very

I don't drink at all.

Why would daughter not be safe ?

Maybe i have written this really badly because I was feeling a bit upset