DS and Duke of Edinburgh

[Mayrain]

Trying to avoid another argument with DS so please help me get some perspective over DOE.

He begged us to let him do it, I was sceptical because he doesn’t actually enjoy walking or camping but he assured us that he was up for it. Started off really well volunteering at old people’s home and going to the gym for sport element so seemed to making an effort. Just before paying last instalment (trip cost £400 which is a lot of money to our family so others went without) he told me again he was definitely up for it. Fast forward 2 months and totally stopped with gym, barely volunteers and hasn’t even started on skill section. His practice walk is next week and he refuses to wear his boots in, won’t let us help him with any of the prep (as in checking if sleeping bag is right size, can blow up his mat etc) and is just sullen and moody everytime we mention it.

I’m as pissed off with myself as I am with him as I should have said no but here we are. I feel like taking the money back from him (he has it in savings) but is that childish? Everytime we raise it he either ignores it or it ends up in a row.

Some advice and perspective would be much appreciated.

How old is he?

Could there be a reason he's gone off the idea? Bullying? Another interest?

I get it's frustrating but unless there's a fixable reason you can't do much other than move on.

I'd be annoyed as well OP.

The walk is going to be very wet. I'd recommend waterproof socks then he can swap to trainers if hs boots hurt. Stick the boots and rucksacks on ebay as down as he's done

Don't worry about the boots- most modern ones don't need to be worn in these days.

Oh dear, the writing was on the wall when he failed to even start the skill section, let alone the skipped the gym and volunteering.

I would have a chat to find out if he wants to start the skill and restart the gym/volunteering. If the answer is no, discuss selling the boots cancelling the trip with him returning £200 to you.

My son is doing doe and it's a big commitment, something he shouldn't walk away from without any consequence.

Thank you for the replies. He’s 15 and definitely no bullying, he’s just gone off the idea of it and now is moody every time we mention it. It’s going to be wet here next week and he won’t even entertain the idea of waterproofs and is just being really immature about it IMHO. I’m tempted just to let him get on with it and let him go completely unprepared but then the mum bit of me wants to cry even thinking about that 🙈.

I think it's a conversation - does he know the sacrifices others have made or that you consider taking the money from him? If he's old enough to do DOE, he's old enough to understand the reality of finances. It may be that's enough to kick-start him back into taking it seriously and catching up. It may be the conversation throws up issues about participation you weren't aware of (some might be selfish, like his mate dropped out so he wants to, some might be more difficult, like bullying, or he failed at something and didn't tell you)

This is a different level than arguing, nagging, or even threatening. It's a calm discussion of the situation and what the solution is. That may end up with him going, or it may end up with looking for solutions to recoup the funds, such as selling all the kit and the money going back into the family pot, it may end up with him doing chores to pay it back, maybe taking it from his savings.

I don't think MN can predict how the conversation will go, but he is presumably old enough to have the discussion and work on the solution.

Thank you @OrchidsBlooming believe me I have tried very hard to have a calm conversation with him but he’s not engaging. I gave him so many opportunities to drop out before final payment but at the point he was still adamant he wanted to go. I’m currently getting the silent treatment.

Send him and let him crack on. It'll be a lesson learned. He's old enough to understand actions have consequences.

There will be staff/teachers available to support him if needed. If he's really not coping they'll ring you. But they will do everything to keep him out and walking first!

@Hercisback Yep, you’re right and to be fair he’s not actually talking about not doing it just doing everything in his capacity to make the it as painful for us as possible it seems 😉

Check what the requirements are for the final (not practice) expedition as that may be a way to motivate him. At DCs school they have to have completed at least one of the elements and have another well under way to be allowed to go on the expedition.

Honestly, just let him get on with it.

One of mine did similar and to a point I kept trying to fix it. Eventually I got to a “do what you want” stage. It was a very tough DOE for her, and I was worried sick the whole time, but it was a life lesson she still reflects on now.

It would be miserable to not have waterproofs in pouring rain. Can you just bring a coat along and give it to him at drop off, when he sees everyone else dressed for the wearher. Literally everyone else will have them, so not only will he be wet and cold, but he will make himself stand out for getting it wrong too.

My ds refused to dress properly for the weather on his practice expedition. Got seriously cold and wet. Dh had to drive out to the campsite and pick him up. Obviously this was a massive PITA but we are entirely happy with the outcome. Them learning the hard way (if they refuse to learn the easy way) is the point.

It is also normal that there are various fallings out in the groups, particularly among the boys.

Honestly, the point of this is learning, and sometimes the less smoothly it goes the more they learn. You won’t have wasted your money.

@ColouringPencils yes I’d certainly buy them but he’s saying he doesn’t need them and he’ll wear his big (think parka) coat which is totally unsuitable. He won’t even engage on whether he needs things like a normally torch / head torch. DH is honestly the worlds most patient man and even he’s getting very frustrated with it.

Ahh, DofE. We’ve all been there. My DD’s instructor for the practice walk was brutal with them over their choice of kit, how much stuff they had etc. It might put him off but also might show him up enough to get his arse into gear for the real thing. However, it’ll all be in vain if he hasn’t done the other elements. Can you contact the school coordinator on the quiet and ask them to intervene?

Honestly, I’d buy the waterproofs. I’d probably actually pack his bag for him (I know that’s not in the spirit). But I’d look at the kit list and make sure he has everything. I’d but the special blister free socks and some nice (trendy!) protein bar snacks. I’d come down hard on the Parka - our school’s kit list is very very specific.

can you can and talk to the teacher organising it? They have some culpability as they have clearly ‘sold’ the idea to him!!

Teenagers are tough but I can pretty much guarantee he is just scared at this time. And a bit regretful about his choices 😬

Also, once he’s done it I would be super proud - especially as it’s not ‘his thing’ and explain that it will have been tougher for him than someone who finds that stuff easy!!

I can imagine this happening and I’ll be really pissed off then as DH is away with the car and I’ll have to get on a train.

Go through the kit list and make a pile for him. If you need stuff buy from home bargains and decathlon and borrow from friends. Lots of sweets.

You can't just leave him to it as it's not just about him - they walk ( miles), camp and cook as a group and if he is miserable/ doesn't have the kit/ has no part of the evening meal it's going to ruin it for the other kids who I assume are his friends. That's just really selfish.

Also he’s borrowing a rucksack from school but saying that he has to take all his things in bags and then pack his rucksack when he gets there. That doesn’t sound right but can anyone else she’d any light on that (obviously I have emailed the school but I haven’t heard back on that yet).

In your case then I would buy a fleece, waterproofs, torch etc and stick them in the bag. I wouldn’t worry about ‘trying’ the sleeping bag or mat. He will figure those out.

It is important to check that he can complete the skills element afterwards though: I think you definitely need to contact the organiser at school.

This brings back memories!! Your DS is being totally normal. It’s infuriating I know.

Don’t raise it with him anymore. Think of it like a staring contest or game of chicken.

If you know anyone who did it last year see if they have kit you can borrow. Then when DS is moodily doing his last minute packing you can calmly say ‘oh X mum lent me this’. No teenager can understand the importance of waterproofs. It’s like some wierd bit of their brain that hasn’t developed.

My DS has just not long completed his expedition. He has until June to complete his 3 sections and get them signed off so there is time. That’s Scotland though. I am really shocked at the price you’ve paid. We paid £60 for the whole bronze experience.

That sounds ideal, and very helpful of the school.

I know it’s a lot. Dsis paid £50 for her DC

I'd let him get on with it BUT make it clear, in no uncertain terms, that he's not taking and ruining unsuitable clothing. So, he either goes and you buy him the waterproofs, or he doesn't go and he reimburses you from his christmas/birthday/pocket money. Not up for discussion.

I'd buy a head torch. You look like a knob but they're much more practical