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Original poster

DS and Duke of Edinburgh

63 replies

Mayrain · 10/05/2023 05:31

Trying to avoid another argument with DS so please help me get some perspective over DOE.

He begged us to let him do it, I was sceptical because he doesn’t actually enjoy walking or camping but he assured us that he was up for it. Started off really well volunteering at old people’s home and going to the gym for sport element so seemed to making an effort. Just before paying last instalment (trip cost £400 which is a lot of money to our family so others went without) he told me again he was definitely up for it. Fast forward 2 months and totally stopped with gym, barely volunteers and hasn’t even started on skill section. His practice walk is next week and he refuses to wear his boots in, won’t let us help him with any of the prep (as in checking if sleeping bag is right size, can blow up his mat etc) and is just sullen and moody everytime we mention it.

I’m as pissed off with myself as I am with him as I should have said no but here we are. I feel like taking the money back from him (he has it in savings) but is that childish? Everytime we raise it he either ignores it or it ends up in a row.

Some advice and perspective would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mayrain · 10/05/2023 06:46

CrapBucket · 10/05/2023 06:41

This brings back memories!! Your DS is being totally normal. It’s infuriating I know.

Don’t raise it with him anymore. Think of it like a staring contest or game of chicken.

If you know anyone who did it last year see if they have kit you can borrow. Then when DS is moodily doing his last minute packing you can calmly say ‘oh X mum lent me this’. No teenager can understand the importance of waterproofs. It’s like some wierd bit of their brain that hasn’t developed.

Thank you for this, brings a strange comfort knowing it’s not just him. He’s actually normally a good kid but he’s driving me crazy. I’m off to decathlon this weekend so I’m going to get bits then.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mayrain · 10/05/2023 06:47

CrapBucket · 10/05/2023 06:42

That sounds ideal, and very helpful of the school.

Show quote history

Okay, thank you that’s good to hear.

OP posts:
Hongkongsuey · 10/05/2023 06:51

He’s 15-time for tough love. Give him the kit list and ask him if there’s anything else he needs or something on there you need to buy. If he says no, leave him to it. He’ll do the practice walk or not-but he’ll learn from it either way. If he backs out, then say you’ve invested a lot of money which meant the family had to go without so he needs to pay half. He doesn’t need mummy fussing over him-believe me, I know several men babies in their 20s and they’ve all had parents sorting stuff out for them instead of being allowed to grow up and deal with things themselves.

ittakes2 · 10/05/2023 07:00

is he fit? I have boy/girl twins - my daughter who only really did dancing for exercise struggled but my son who played a lot of football and was in a group with similarly sporty boys was wondering what all the fuss was about and they got to their final point 2hrs early.
If your son is fit and no underlying health conditions I would make him to it as a lesson about committing.
you may find he did not get into the group he wanted for the hiking so has lost interest

ittakes2 · 10/05/2023 07:03

Also important tip put blister plasters on key areas before he leaves to avoid blisters rather than trying to solve one’s created

ssd · 10/05/2023 07:04

At 15, hasn't he wanted desperately to do things before then changed his mind half way through? Ds was like that, the amount of beavers, bb etc uniforms i sold hardly worn was unreal. Doesn't he have a bit of form you ignored cos he pleaded again that he'd love it?

ssd · 10/05/2023 07:06

What im saying is, this isnt all his faults, you need to take responsibility too in allowing it all to go on.

sevenbyseven · 10/05/2023 07:19

Buy him the basics then step away. The practice expedition is his opportunity to find out that actually he does need waterproofs, etc etc before the actual qualifying expedition. They all seemed to love the expedition at my dd's school!

But I agree if he abandons his skill / physical etc it would be reasonable to pay you back at least at least a proportion. Preferably not out of savings but out of current pocket money / paper round / being paid for chores or whatever.

Postapocalypticcowgirl · 10/05/2023 07:26

In terms of waterproofs etc, the school won't/shouldn't let him go unless he is properly equipped - including waterproof trousers. They shouldn't allow him to walk in inappropriate clothing because it is a safety issue.

In terms of borrowing the bag, if schools let bags (which are expensive) go home, then often they never come back - hence wanting to keep them being packed/unpacked at school.

Patchworksack · 10/05/2023 07:29

I’d make sure he has everything on the kit list available (borrow as much as possible) but not pack for him. It might be worth giving whoever organises it at school a heads up and maybe they could have a chat about how to prepare/pack. This is part of the learning experience - that having the right kit with you and knowing how to use it is important. If he’s still intending to go then you’ve not lost anything at this point - aren’t the timeframes for completing the rest of it pretty flexible? Let him discover the consequences of not having packed waterproofs etc for himself.

GnomeDePlume · 10/05/2023 07:37

No experience of DofE but plenty of experience of army cadet camps. Label everything. https://www.stikins.co.uk/ were excellent.

Also we gave DS a super cheap 'loaner' torch. He had a really good expedition torch which we knew would get borrowed and never seen again so we gave him a spare which he could lend and lose (it was loaned and lost).

Puffalicious · 10/05/2023 07:38

Ducatifan · 10/05/2023 06:42

My DS has just not long completed his expedition. He has until June to complete his 3 sections and get them signed off so there is time. That’s Scotland though. I am really shocked at the price you’ve paid. We paid £60 for the whole bronze experience.

This. I'm part of the DofE team in my school. We provide everything for the kids (I work In an area where they just wouodnt have the kit) including boots. We also have them bring everything to be oacked in school before we go. Has he not had practise sessions in school with the tents/ mats/ sleeping bags/ cooking equipment/ planning meals/ kit and the reasons for it? That's an integral part of the entire process. It sounds very hands off if he hasn't.

I get very angry hearing stories of £400. We charge our kids £10 (we work so hard to raise the rest), and my own son's school charges £50. He goes out on practice end of May and qualifying in June, and has had numerous sessions packing bags/ mini-walks etc. Sometimes it's just a money maker- which yours sounds like- and it makes me so annoyed.

Original poster
Mayrain · 10/05/2023 07:39

ssd · 10/05/2023 07:04

At 15, hasn't he wanted desperately to do things before then changed his mind half way through? Ds was like that, the amount of beavers, bb etc uniforms i sold hardly worn was unreal. Doesn't he have a bit of form you ignored cos he pleaded again that he'd love it?

Oh yes and I’m not blameless in this but he was so uncharacteristically keen on it I thought it might be something he’d commit to (like I’d never met him before 🙈)

He’s actually woken up this morning and asked if he can go to Decathlon with DH after work so I’m taking that as a small win.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 10/05/2023 07:40

I thought the teachers checked the kit before they were allowed to do the hike, because if he didn't have waterproofs and there is a deluge, he may end up with hypothermia and the whole group wouldn't be able to complete their expedition.

If it's any consolation we had a nightmare with DOE bronze. Well I say we, it was me mostly. DS refused to pick his own skills and refused to complete the online training courses I ended up selecting and paying for. He had done all other sections, but didn't submit and didn't get his award.Ultimately for the sake of my own sanity I had to step away, and learned a valuable lesson about leading horses to water.

Patchworksack · 10/05/2023 07:42

We paid hundreds of pounds for silver expedition which school outsourced. If we’d known that at the start he would have done it through cadets which was about £30 for bronze! DS wanted to do it with school friends.

rookiemere · 10/05/2023 07:42

Just read your update about Decathlon OP. That's a massive win, that's full capitulate from a teenager ( celebrate silently Grin).To be fair, how excited would you be about hiking and camping in the rain ?

Original poster
Mayrain · 10/05/2023 07:43

Puffalicious · 10/05/2023 07:38

This. I'm part of the DofE team in my school. We provide everything for the kids (I work In an area where they just wouodnt have the kit) including boots. We also have them bring everything to be oacked in school before we go. Has he not had practise sessions in school with the tents/ mats/ sleeping bags/ cooking equipment/ planning meals/ kit and the reasons for it? That's an integral part of the entire process. It sounds very hands off if he hasn't.

I get very angry hearing stories of £400. We charge our kids £10 (we work so hard to raise the rest), and my own son's school charges £50. He goes out on practice end of May and qualifying in June, and has had numerous sessions packing bags/ mini-walks etc. Sometimes it's just a money maker- which yours sounds like- and it makes me so annoyed.

Show quote history

Thank you, he did have one prep day a few months ago but nothing since except some emails home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mayrain · 10/05/2023 07:52

rookiemere · 10/05/2023 07:42

Just read your update about Decathlon OP. That's a massive win, that's full capitulate from a teenager ( celebrate silently Grin).To be fair, how excited would you be about hiking and camping in the rain ?

Hate it, every minute of it 😂 He’s very like me so I should have known. DD on the other hand is also really up for it but I genuinely think she’d love it (although am hoping she doesn’t so much as mention it at this point).

OP posts:
CrapBucket · 10/05/2023 08:51

rookiemere · 10/05/2023 07:40

I thought the teachers checked the kit before they were allowed to do the hike, because if he didn't have waterproofs and there is a deluge, he may end up with hypothermia and the whole group wouldn't be able to complete their expedition.

If it's any consolation we had a nightmare with DOE bronze. Well I say we, it was me mostly. DS refused to pick his own skills and refused to complete the online training courses I ended up selecting and paying for. He had done all other sections, but didn't submit and didn't get his award.Ultimately for the sake of my own sanity I had to step away, and learned a valuable lesson about leading horses to water.

One of my DC didn’t submit their evidence, so no award, but I still think it was a worthwhile experience - it’s not really about the certificate imo.

rookiemere · 10/05/2023 08:54

@CrapBucket it was certainly a worthwhile experience for me, as I've learned that if DS doesn't want something himself then no amount of coaxing or cajoling from me can make him do it.

A very handy life lesson for his exams Grin.

itsjustnotok · 10/05/2023 08:59

Mayrain · 10/05/2023 06:30

@ColouringPencils yes I’d certainly buy them but he’s saying he doesn’t need them and he’ll wear his big (think parka) coat which is totally unsuitable. He won’t even engage on whether he needs things like a normally torch / head torch. DH is honestly the worlds most patient man and even he’s getting very frustrated with it.

OP you can Google the kit list and make sure he has what he needs. My DD is doing bronze and has her expedition soon. We’ve downloaded the kit list and looked at it for her to tick off.

Dreamwatchwait · 10/05/2023 09:06

How he is behaving sounds pretty normal to me ! He is about to tackle something he hadn’t done before so apprehensive and trying to get out of it ! Mine has just done his expedition, has finished his physical , half way through his volunteering ( only happened as I gave in trying to sit on my hands and helped organise something ) and not even started his skill .. he was equally grumpy . Several life lessons here - if you say you are going to do something you do it / things are rarely as bad as you imagine they will be … 🤞

Beamur · 10/05/2023 09:14

Let him sort himself out.
His kit will be checked and if he hasn't got the stuff on the kit list I daresay he will get a bollocking! He won't be allowed to walk in the rain without waterproofs. That would be truly cold and miserable.
He'll still have fun with his mates and even a crappy experience is a lesson on some level.
£400+ is not unusual if school bring in an outside company to run it. Not all schools have teachers with the time and skills to run it. Usually very cheap with Scouts or Guides too, but not every unit offers it..

ToHellBackAndBeyond · 10/05/2023 09:14

Glad he's asked to go to the shop. Maybe he is just nervous but doesn't want to show it?
When I did doe I remember being moaned at by the person organising because I packed a rubber mallet in my backpack for the tent pegs ☺️ he was not amused. I also remember nipping into corner shops along the way for opal fruits and creme eggs, as well as using public toilets rather than bushes! (Spoilt grammar kid). Sadly my parents took no interest whatsoever and I had to do everything as best I could so there we go.

lljkk · 10/05/2023 09:26

When I have doubts DC will complete something, I make them pay half the cost up front, to be refunded only if activity is completed. This highly motivates them. Idea for future? I imagine you'll have to chalk this up to experience & keep chivvying, OP.

Ours (thru school) get their kit checked & simply not allowed to start without full waterproofs... 3 bronzes & 1.5 silvers so far, not one DC ever wore the waterproof trousers. I reckon they'd volunteer to swim in the fords before wearing waterproof trousers happened.