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Original poster

One-child families without wider family - have you thought about your DC legacy?

53 replies

Marseilles · 09/05/2023 11:08

We have one child (3) and it's looking increasingly likely she'll be our only one. Due to my age time has been running out. Unfortunately my husband and I don't have much wider family between us due to dysfunctional relationships and small families / loss. It means our child has a slightly odd grandma she sees a couple of times a year, a nice uncle and a cousin who is now an adult, and that is it.

I'm trying to get used to the idea of our daughter being an only child. It's not what DH or I would have chosen in an ideal world but we didn't meet each other until our late 30's. I'm wondering about other options like adoption or fostering but I know these aren't easy whatsoever.

My main motivation is more about the future, rather than the now. I think our daughter can have a lovely childhood, and we will work hard to keep providing experiences with other children and opportunities to socialise whilst she's young. We live in London where plenty of people are older parents with one child so she isn't unusual in that respect. However I worry about her "legacy" once DH and I are no longer around and there not really being anyone. She may not have a life partner of her own which is fine, but I worry she'll be alone without connections or any family.

I'm interested to hear from other parents in this position - with one child plus no wider family (or very few). Have you thought about your child's legacy once they are grown up and have you thought about steps you can take to support this?

OP posts:
murasaki · 09/05/2023 12:11

legacy is a very odd word here. Surely she will have friends?

Ozgirl75 · 09/05/2023 12:28

I’m an only child and I’m in my 40s with both parents still around, but now I have a family of my own. Honestly, in my whole life I have never thought “what a shame I don’t have a bigger family”. It literally never crosses my mind. Just relax, give your child a nice childhood and don’t worry about the things you can’t control.

ioveelephants · 09/05/2023 12:33

I'm going through this right now. I'm an only child and my mum died this year, now all that is going through my mind is my daughter could end up alone if something happens to me. All I can hope is she has her own little family. It's a really sad thought I know how you feel!

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Families
Lcb123 · 09/05/2023 12:34

Honestly, I don't think I've heard the word legacy in relation to a child. Just be happy and present now with your family.

TeenDivided · 09/05/2023 12:36

I think I'd start by trying to encourage relationships between your closest friends and your DD, so 'uncle and auntie' figures. It is good for a child to feel they have adults they can turn to.

safetyfreak · 09/05/2023 12:36

Legacy?

It is likely your daughter will have her own family one day who will support her, she be fine.

UndercoverCop · 09/05/2023 12:38

Legacy isn't the right word here.
She could have a sibling and either they don't get on or like my DB and I, we get along fine, but we're not particularly close were very different people and in terms of effort with agreeing parents etc, not a hope in hell, even things like birthday celebrations are left to me or don't happen.
My DM has three siblings, when my gran was ill other than the odd text message she got no support at all, other than from me. She did all of the caring etc and nearly made herself very unwell don't so and they all claim to be very close siblings.
You're feeling bad about a child not having a rose tinted version of something.

UndercoverCop · 09/05/2023 12:39

we're very different people and in terms of effort with ageing parents etc

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/05/2023 12:39

Honestly, I do have wider family and I get on with them just fine, but it is my friends who are my support network - not siblings or cousins etc. Ensure that your dc has plenty of opportunities to develop good social skills, and I'm sure she will be just fine.

blitzen · 09/05/2023 12:42

Ozgirl75 · 09/05/2023 12:28

I’m an only child and I’m in my 40s with both parents still around, but now I have a family of my own. Honestly, in my whole life I have never thought “what a shame I don’t have a bigger family”. It literally never crosses my mind. Just relax, give your child a nice childhood and don’t worry about the things you can’t control.

I'm an only child too, and feel exactly the same as this pp, although my dad died in 2020. I now have a family of my own, but honestly, your daughter will be fine. Sounds like she has good parents and you will support her to be able to be a happy healthy adult. I love being an only child xx

Reugny · 09/05/2023 12:42

You need to build relationships with friends and neighbours regardless of whether they have children or not.

Your DD will then if she has the personality follow your example when she is an adult. If she isn't then she won't but it will be up to her.

Dodgeitornot · 09/05/2023 12:43

Large families can be a curse as well as a blessing. I have a very large family I'm not in touch with for the most part, but I'm part of a close local community who are much kinder, more generous and less dramatic than my family ever was. You don't choose your family, you do choose your friends and you can create that community for your DD.

CremeEggThief · 09/05/2023 12:46

Not really tbh. I have one DS who's nearly 21. I'd say I probably made a bit more of an effort to take him to groups, activities and arrange playdates in early childhood and in his first few years at school than a lot of families with more than one child, but that's as far as it went.

Persiana · 09/05/2023 12:50

I understand where you're coming from, ignore the querying of legacy. I think lots of good advice here, plus I would try and make shared memories with family friends, ideally your friends and their kids being whole family friends, and do holidays or annual get togethers where the children will have shared memories. It will be nice for your dc when older to be able to say hey remember when... to a family friend and have a laugh about it, and for other people to be able to share their good memories and love for you and your DH. I think the fear would come from your dc having no one around to actually understand their love for you and your DH. Even if they had their own family as an adult, they may not know you and that's the gap.

Persiana · 09/05/2023 12:51

So I know my dc could talk to their aunts uncles and cousins about me and my DH. If my dc didn't have any of this relatives, I'd like to think they could share memories with a family friend. We have family friends who have lost both parents, it helps them.enormously that we can talk about them and share memories, there are other people who get it and miss their parents! It helps with grieving

Comedycook · 09/05/2023 12:52

I think your concerns are valid op. My parents died when I was quite young and my family have had pretty bad luck in terms of illness and death...if I was an only child I'd be very lonely and without many relatives by this stage in my life.

Original poster
Marseilles · 09/05/2023 12:58

Ozgirl75 · 09/05/2023 12:28

I’m an only child and I’m in my 40s with both parents still around, but now I have a family of my own. Honestly, in my whole life I have never thought “what a shame I don’t have a bigger family”. It literally never crosses my mind. Just relax, give your child a nice childhood and don’t worry about the things you can’t control.

I guess as I lived alone for many years and only met my husband when I was 38, I have experienced that kind of loneliness which means you have nowhere to go on Christmas Day, bank holidays etc.

You can have all the friends in the world @murasaki but if you have no family there are certain times you'll feel it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marseilles · 09/05/2023 13:03

Persiana · 09/05/2023 12:50

I understand where you're coming from, ignore the querying of legacy. I think lots of good advice here, plus I would try and make shared memories with family friends, ideally your friends and their kids being whole family friends, and do holidays or annual get togethers where the children will have shared memories. It will be nice for your dc when older to be able to say hey remember when... to a family friend and have a laugh about it, and for other people to be able to share their good memories and love for you and your DH. I think the fear would come from your dc having no one around to actually understand their love for you and your DH. Even if they had their own family as an adult, they may not know you and that's the gap.

Thank you, this all sounds nice. I think I need to try to cultivate more friends of this kind, with children the same age. We have a couple but not people who live nearby whom we see regularly. Perhaps this will be easier to do when DC starts school in September.

OP posts:
flampam · 09/05/2023 13:03

Comedycook · 09/05/2023 12:52

I think your concerns are valid op. My parents died when I was quite young and my family have had pretty bad luck in terms of illness and death...if I was an only child I'd be very lonely and without many relatives by this stage in my life.

m very sorry for your loss. I have to say though I'm wondering how this comment is helpful when the Op has said she can't have another due to her age. I'm all seriousness, do you have some suggestions or advice for the Op to ease her anxiety about a situation outside her control.
Op, I hear your concerns and what I'd suggest is to focus on building a network beyond your family such as friends with kids, your neighbours with kids. Have plenty of play dates at your house, go on holiday with other families and when your child is older you can take one of their friends on your holidays too.
There are many positives to having an only the big ones are having more time and money for your child and family. Focus on building your child's confidence, self esteem and resilience so they can stand on their own two feet and form strong friendships. Think about the negative impacts having more children can have on your finances and your marriage and focus on making the best of what you have. I know plenty of well adjusted only children who are now adults many have their own families.

Abouttimemum · 09/05/2023 13:11

Ozgirl75 · 09/05/2023 12:28

I’m an only child and I’m in my 40s with both parents still around, but now I have a family of my own. Honestly, in my whole life I have never thought “what a shame I don’t have a bigger family”. It literally never crosses my mind. Just relax, give your child a nice childhood and don’t worry about the things you can’t control.

This is so reassuring! Thank you

messysewingbox · 09/05/2023 13:14

I think it's normal for many people, me included, to worry about our children's future happiness.
If you are this way inclined then there will always be something to worry about, be it lack of family, friends, mental health, job prospects. There are so many variables.

I do think having a larger family, either nuclear or extended, gives a better chance of having life long relationships, but it's only a chance, not a certainty. The same as a character trait will give you a better chance at something but it doesn't guarantee you anything.

Don't consider fostering or adoption to counteract this. For a start it's a whole other ballgame and also it sounds, although I presume you didn't mean it like this, a bit like the adopted child serves a purpose, to be a companion to child 1 , when no one's purpose is to be any more than themselves, in my opinion.

Garethkeenansstapler · 09/05/2023 13:17

TeenDivided · 09/05/2023 12:36

I think I'd start by trying to encourage relationships between your closest friends and your DD, so 'uncle and auntie' figures. It is good for a child to feel they have adults they can turn to.

Yes and no, I read a lot about threads on this about pushing relationships between the only and cousins/uncles/aunts. I think if you do this you need to ask that relative first, rather than stealthing them into having some kind of responsibility for your child. They may be very happy to do it, but you need permission if you’re expecting any more from them than a regular wider relative type thing.

Suprima · 09/05/2023 13:19

I am an only who will be having an only child by choice.

I have a wider family, but I don’t really see them often. I have nice aunts and uncles that send me birthday cards but the kids my age are just downright odd, so there is no cousinly love there. When we are the oldies and our parents pass, I seriously doubt the barbecues and Christmas parties will continue.

I spend my time with my husband, my friends and my DD. That’s my network. Oh, and my parents.

Your child will grow up and build their own family. Your own small family won’t really be an issue.

glitterisntgendered · 09/05/2023 13:22

I also worry about this all the time with my DS which really makes no sense considering what I'm about to say.

I'm an only child with no extended family, dad died when I was a young teenager so just me and mum. Mum has family but they're dysfunctional so essentially no contact (I probably see them once every couple of years and I would honestly rather spend Xmas alone than with them)

I'm perfectly happy, always have been. Never felt lonely, never needed a bigger family, never wanted a legacy/family connection. I have great friends and my own family now.

Encourage your child to have a full life, the ability to make friends and develop a life they love. That's absolutely enough.

Possiblynotever · 09/05/2023 13:27

OP your worries are natural and, although we cannot control everything around us and our children, your desire for good family relationships for your DD is only understandable.
My DD is an only child and is in the same position. She chose little friends as early as nursery school who were in her same position. One sticks around to this day - they met when they were 3 and 1/2! They did not go to primary school together but they are still very close ( they go to Uni now).
You do need to do your bit, helping with the relationship, holding pyjama parties, and the like...in some sort of way, it's like you are giving her some "side" help from a special friendship.
Also, make sure there are some friends of yours taking interest in her development and with whom she can form a "special" relationship.
If I were not there, I am sure that my girl would not be alone at Christmas ...but it took a lot of effort, and still does!