One-child families without wider family - have you thought about your DC legacy?

[Marseilles]

We have one child (3) and it's looking increasingly likely she'll be our only one. Due to my age time has been running out. Unfortunately my husband and I don't have much wider family between us due to dysfunctional relationships and small families / loss. It means our child has a slightly odd grandma she sees a couple of times a year, a nice uncle and a cousin who is now an adult, and that is it.

I'm trying to get used to the idea of our daughter being an only child. It's not what DH or I would have chosen in an ideal world but we didn't meet each other until our late 30's. I'm wondering about other options like adoption or fostering but I know these aren't easy whatsoever.

My main motivation is more about the future, rather than the now. I think our daughter can have a lovely childhood, and we will work hard to keep providing experiences with other children and opportunities to socialise whilst she's young. We live in London where plenty of people are older parents with one child so she isn't unusual in that respect. However I worry about her "legacy" once DH and I are no longer around and there not really being anyone. She may not have a life partner of her own which is fine, but I worry she'll be alone without connections or any family.

I'm interested to hear from other parents in this position - with one child plus no wider family (or very few). Have you thought about your child's legacy once they are grown up and have you thought about steps you can take to support this?

I was an only to older parents. I do have wider family but no one particularly near and now that the older gen have gone, no real push yo meet up.

I had 5 children so I'm plenty busy on the family front though.

You are overthinking this. Not everyone has a close relationship with their siblings.

Have you thought about your child's legacy once they are grown up

Not when they were only 3, no!

My DS is an only, my DH is also an only, I have one brother who has no children either.

24 DS is absolutely fine, has loads of friends, some of whom he has known since he was 6, a girlfriend and is having a great time. Why do people have such weird distorted views about only children, that they are going to be sad loners all their lives?

She'll be fine

I find this thinking bollock tbh.

I haven't spoken to my brother in over ten years and don't intend to.

DS will be fine. He is from a generation where only children are common. It means that there will be more incentive to 'create your own family' in a sense.

And that's where we are as adults - have a bunch of close friends we can rely on if we need now. Our families are feckless so can't be relied on.

I know where you're coming from OP. I also met my DH in our late thirties and only had enough time for one child.

I don't have a huge family myself- my one brother has no children and no plans for any. Only 2 cousins to whom I am not close due to growing up at opposite ends of the country, and that pattern repeating itself with DS and his 2 cousins.

My fear is that DS won't meet a partner until as late as I did, or at all. Conversely, I'd hate him to rush into settling for the wrong person! All I can do is help him be the kind of person who forms deep and lasting friendships and who is happy in his own company.

I am an only, married to an only, both from tiny families, with older parents. I had a brilliant childhood mainly as I had same age friends living on the same street and we were in each other pockets. I’m a confident adult with a big network of friends now.

it now looks as though we will be older parents (40) so likely an only child. I do wrestle with this, especially when I see friends with large families all together. A lot depends on making friends with other parents of similar age kids I suspect.

We have someone like this in the family. They've made an effort to cultivate strong relationships with more distant relatives, for instance meeting up with second cousins a few times a year, and have strong friendships too. They're in their sixties now and don't seem to have suffered from the experience.

Honestly, if MN has taught you anything, it should be that blood family is hit or miss. I am an only child with no real relationships with my extended family. I was very close to my maternal grandparents, who they passed away when I was 11 and 18, and my dad died when I was 18 as well. My mum is still alive, but we have been NC for a number of years for reasons related to the safety of my children.

I don't at all feel any 'loss' of a sibling or wider family. I do feel the loss of my parents, having lost one young and having had my only living one choose an abusive partner over me and her grandchildren. That's sad and has been painful. But I really don't even think about not having extended family. I have wonderful friends and people who are like family to me. I have an amazing dh and dc and dh's lovely family. I don't feel at all like I'm missing out. If anything having a sibling likely would have complicated my family situation even more, as I probably would have had to go NC with my sibling as well, which would have been an extra loss.

It's true that you never know if your dc will have a longterm partner or children or close friends. But it's probably a safer bet than assuming they'd have a sibling they were very close to as an adult, given than many people drift away from their sibling and extended family in adulthood.

Well I have a smallish family but that's down to death unfortunately... neither my parents came from particularly small families...both had siblings. I'd love a bigger family and am tremendously grateful for the small extended family I do have. I'd love to have more family...I genuinely don't understand the people who write off the benefits of having extended family. Friends can be great but I find so many people are so busy and preoccupied with their own families.

I'm not trying to make the op feel bad but I do think it is a concern... family can give you stability, security and roots.

Having said that I think smaller family sizes and more only children will mean that for future generations, huge family gatherings will not be a thing...boards of aunties, uncles and cousins on Christmas day just won't be most people's reality.

Perhaps society will change and people will create stronger friendship groups? I'm not sure.

Not given it a moment's thought. My only child is 15. I have a brother who I am not particularly close with, I love my mum but I am NC with my dad and DS's dad isn't involved.

I spend more time with my friends than I do my family. They are my family.

I really wish people would stop treating only children like some kind of freaks or unfortunates, in need of life-long support and extra care. I'm an only, my son is an only, it is really no big deal. It has never bothered me and I don't worry about my son, certainly never went around making friends with a secret purpose of ensuring my son had sibling substitutes!

Yes some only children find it painful, the way that some people with siblings who they hate find that situation painful. Nothing is automatic, it is just the hand you're dealt.

OP honestly just raise your child with lots of love and don't worry about it.

I'm an only and have always been happy. My patents are late 80s. I have a partner.

I have an adult dd and it's looking increasingly like she won't have a life partner or children. I do worry a bit about that but it wouldn't have made me want another child.

I understand where you're coming from and I think people are wrong to invalidate your concerns. I have a friend who was an only child whose mother died when she was mid-20s. Father never on the scene and mother was an only child too, so no cousins, aunts or uncles. Mother was older when she was born so no grandparents either. This was years before she met her partner, with whom she now has 3 DC. We were in that stage of life where, although we had work colleagues and flatmates, they were very much transitory and we were all very much rooted to "home" (which was still where our parents lived, for most of us). We spoke often about how certain times of year, especially Christmas, were very difficult for her and the group of friends we were in (which was quite close at the time) would always make an effort to do something big either before or after the holiday. But she was quite open about how tough it was for her.

It's true that we choose our friends, not our family, and most of the time that's fine, but there are certain times when families do stick together and friends may not seem enough. The other side of that, of course, is that families don't always get on, and if she grows up valuing friendships and social connection, she may build friendships which are stronger than most family links. But you do have to work harder at it with friends... families are 'stuck' with you, to some degree.

Friends can be great but I find so many people are so busy and preoccupied with their own families.

Yes, but quite honestly, so are extended families. I would put myself out for my close friends every bit as much as I would put myself out for my sister or my cousins etc. And frankly, my friends would be far more likely to put themselves out for me than anyone in my extended family apart from my parents.

I’m the only child of only children, so no near relatives at all. My paternal grandmother had two sisters with no offspring, my paternal grandfather had a half brother who may or may not have had a son ( better not to ask). My maternal grandmothers only sibling was killed in the trenches.

I can’t honestly say I have regretted my lack of family. In crisis, one sometimes thinks it would be helpful to have family support, but from what I see of many of my friends, that’s not much forthcoming.

You find your friends, and they do nicely.

The idea of just sticking to one is appealing to us, more money, time, energy etc, better material things for one. However we are exactly as you describe and I share the same fears. I will say that me and my sister do not get along at all though so sibling relationships aren’t a given, but I’d take my chances with it if at all you can. It sounds like your DD has her cousin who may also start a family and have kids, etc. She will probably meet someone who may have a big family. So many variables. Try not to worry. Sounds like you’re doing all you can! Xx

I am in the same position but 3 years ahead of you with fewer people invested in my child.

You'll never know how your child feels about the position they arrive at as an adult until it happens.

We have considered fostering/adopting but struggled to weigh up the advantages for my child versus the potential challenges.

We have settled for helping them make good relationships with peers and adults that aren't related and helping them to navigate their own meaningful relationships.

FWIW, I have siblings and family and none have provided the support my friends do. I enjoy my friendships and find them way more rewarding.

It's taken a lot of work and pain, but enjoying what we have is worth so much more than pining for "what could be".

I hope you make your peace with whatever you decide.

@Marseilles

I have several siblings and none of us talk to each other. They have brought very little to my life. Parents are very elderly and infirm.

I also worry about this a great deal.

In laws even in desperation I feel are too toxic to see much at all sadly..
I try and meet up with dc and friends as much as possible and also they have and make their in friends.

People have friends, for goodness sake! Nobody relies entirely on family and nobody needs squads of relatives that they may not even like much.
Aside from my partner, my friends are by far the most important people in my life - and especially those that have been around me for 40+ years.

Agree. I'm not sure what the fuss is about OP putting legacy. Siblings often mean cousins too.

So although everyone says siblings may not get on, you still might with your cousins. I have an only and I have thought similar... I just pray DS goes on to have his own beautiful family. He's extroverted so I'm confident he will be fine in life.

Thanks for all the comments. It's really interesting the range of views. I suppose my worry is what is DD doesn't make friends, or finds making friends tough and comes to rely on her parents. After we've gone...

That said she's very sociable at present (preschool) so fingers crossed she'll be ok on that front.

It would have been nice to have two little ones for those lovely moments of silliness before bedtime, holidays and the rest of the imagined memories, but I appreciate two can be a nightmare and especially if they don't get on. A friend has two boys who are always hitting and fighting each other and she sometimes wishes she'd stopped at one, despite loving her sons obviously. So I try to think about that.

Also just hope we can make more friends with other families over the next few years and have people to invite on holiday etc.

While your thoughts are valid, I think family is what you make of it.

DH is a single child, only one cousin who is 15 years older.
I have a sister, 8 years older, to whom I have very loose contact. While I have cousins, I haven't seen most of them in 15-20 years as they live all over my home country.
DD has 3 cousins who are 16-20 years older than her.

We live in a different country than all of them.

Even as a child I didn't really had a big connection to most of my family, I don't think it's necessary to have blood family to feel complete. I think it's vital to learn where you come from but I think I actually have more knowledge than most of the rest of my family.

Exactly the same here.

My DH is an only child and both his parents were NC with their respective siblings so no cousin relationships either. So apart from GPs he has always just had friends. He's fine, sociable, generous etc. Yes he's got me and our DC now but if he didn't I don't think he be any worse off than someone who had siblings or cousins.

In time maybe the cousin will have a child so be second cousins

Or they not

Meantime have you thought about godparents and if something happened to you /dh a guardian to look after dc

Make sure you have life insurance /mortgage covered and house in trust if a child when you die

Otherwise don't think about what if

Make friends. Once at school you may meet parents who become good friends and obv Kids be same age