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Original poster

I realised the other day that I'd be quite happy if I never had sex again.

85 replies

Theygolowwegohigh · 09/05/2023 07:13

Just that really. I've realised if I never have sex again I won't be bothered. Does anyone else feel like this?

I'm 40. Single. Have had several relationships over the years.

People often comment on wanting to meet someone new, or fancying someone etc and I'm just not bothered at all!

I have been reflecting on things like attraction and realised I've never felt that sexual physical attraction to someone. I've never had a celebrity crush. I don't have a high sex drive. I've enjoyed sex in the past but it's more about yes it feels nice sensation wise/ is a release in the same way doing it solo is. 🤷 There's not that physical lust towards another person that I read about or watch on screen. There's not the excitement about the other person's body.

Am I weird?

I have lovely family and friends but no one I know in "real life" that I'd feel comfortable chatting about this with at the moment.

OP posts:

CrasyoDrago · 17/10/2023 11:38

I feel the same. I'm 27

CrasyoDrago · 17/10/2023 11:39

I've had lots of sex in my life tho, over 20.male partners

LakeTiticaca · 17/10/2023 11:46

Me too but I am early 60s so my work is done 😉
I cringe at all these magazine articles and TV ads for "later life rumpy pumpy"
Women in their 70s "getting their mojo back" good luck to them although I don't believe the half of it 🤣
Give me my jimjams, furry slippers and a good book !!!

WineAndFireside · 17/10/2023 11:54

Jellycats4life · 17/10/2023 11:34

Demisexuality is a load of bollocks, quite frankly. Invented on Tumblr around a decade ago by girls who wanted to push back against what they were expected to desire sexually. They needed a label to justify not being into casual sex and one night stands.

Enter demisexuality, which simply means “I don’t want to shag someone unless I have an emotional connection with them”. Which is a normal subset of adult human, not a flaw.

I completely agree that it's a normal subset of human, but I don't think the term is bollocks just because it was invented on Tumblr by girls. They needed a name to explain their feelings because there is so much pressure to conform. It makes sense. What's the problem with having a word for it?

dothehokeycokey · 17/10/2023 12:04

Currently overweight by around 2.5/3 stone,run a business that takes around 70 hours of my life a week ,have teenagers and sibling /parent issues so my desire for anything other than sleep or chocolate is low on my list.

I'm married and have been for 20 years.
Dh has changed a lot in that he really doesn't make much of an effort with himself nor me to be honest

He's getting older and more tired/less fun and he does give me the Ick alot at the minute.

I know it's also hormone related with me but don't k ow what his reasons are.

No other women definitely cause quite frankly he couldn't be assed I don't think and sometimes I actually think if there was I'm not sure how bothered I would be which sounds awful

We do get on and have a laugh but don't spend much time together at all and I earn alot more so it's not like I'm clinging on for financial reasons I think I just don't have the mental
Or physical energy

Echobelly · 17/10/2023 12:05

@InterFactual - but suggesting thoughts about ops sexuality (or lack of it) isn't saying it's a 'problem to be fixed', it's about acceptance. Saying 'Oh you need to do this and this to get your mojo back' would be pathologising it. Saying 'it's OK to feel this way because it's how you are' isn't.

Guesswho88 · 17/10/2023 12:09

StayGoldenPonyGirl · 09/05/2023 11:45

Same, never again. I used to be an amazing performer but it was all fake and just done to get them to like me (it worked very well, but you then have to keep up the act). I didn't even realise I was doing this until I became single after a ltr and started dating and felt exhausted and grossed out before even the first date at the stuff I would 'have' to do. Realised I didn't 'have' to do it and the longer I go without, the less I can even consider it. And NotAllMen but I can't believe the hygiene I used to tolerate - rotten teeth, onion breath, cheesy piss stinking knobs, toenails that would be more at home on baba yaga etc. It's not worth the risk. I once found a clump of my hair infused with his smeg under a boyfriend's foreskin (at least I think it was mine).

Even hugs and contact I don't miss - the accidental pulled hair, bony elbows, crushing my boobs, face in the armpit, taking over the bed etc. I would like someone to tickle or scratch my back but I've not had a single partner do that for more than 30 seconds without turning gropy or giving up from selfish boredom (usually after I'd massaged them for 30 mins).

My pets and DC give love and affection and I can take care of myself in all other ways.

Dying alone with cats is now my goal, not an insult!

Reading your post like 😱😱😱😂bless you.

Guesswho88 · 17/10/2023 12:14

Jellycats4life · 17/10/2023 11:34

Enter demisexuality, which simply means “I don’t want to shag someone unless I have an emotional connection with them”. Which is a normal subset of adult human, not a flaw.

I agree with this, in my parents and grandparents era everyone was "demisexual" lol.

CeriB82 · 17/10/2023 12:15

Me too. 49, menopausal and been with DH 25 years. No desire, happy to be celibate

Original poster

Theygolowwegohigh · 17/10/2023 18:50

Just reading these recent posts on my thread and catching up with it.

I did raise an eyebrow at the suggestion I was repressing being a lesbian. 🙄 The idea of touching touching someone's genitals of any sex is equally as unappealing to me. I have had plenty of male sexual partners and yep I have kissed women. Having that questioned in a suspicious way is a bit 🙄 too. I'm not going to go into how that came about but it wasn't an unusual situation for a person my age on nights out etc. 🤷 It happened. It didn't stir anything at all in me, same as sexual contact with fellas hasn't either. Same with looking at people's faces/bodies of any sex.

I do think I am asexual. I don't think I'm demisexual. I can quite happily live without sex. Even in relationships where I've been in love and had an amazing connection I've still not been bothered. I'd rather have a cup of tea!

It's not something I'll be announcing to the world or that will change my life. But it isn't something people seem open minded about or accepting of, as evidenced by some of the comments on this thread.

It's nice to know I'm not the only person who feels this way though!

OP posts:

Gowlett · 17/10/2023 18:56

Wouldn’t bother me if I never did it with my husband again.
Had some good shags before I was married. Loads of bad ones, too. I don’t think I’ll ever experience “hotness” again. Either mine or someone else’s. I’m 47. Been there, done that (or them!)

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 17/10/2023 19:03

The idea of touching touching someone's genitals of any sex is equally as unappealing to me

Total loss of interest here too. Just not interested. Early night and a good book is much more fun.

Dont know why this is never talked about. You either have to be gagging for it or you don’t exist.

Even the thought of ‘gagging for it’ makes me feel queasy.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 17/10/2023 19:15

Guesswho88 · 17/10/2023 12:14

I agree with this, in my parents and grandparents era everyone was "demisexual" lol.

Show quote history

I’m old enough to remember when the Pill was still a relatively new thing, and a good many men thought it now meant that girls/women had ‘no excuse’ any more for not wanting sex with them. I still remember a colleague of dh, early 70s before we were married, complaining to him that his new GF wouldn’t sleep with him. ‘It’s not as if it’s ma big deal any more, is it?’

catin8oots · 17/10/2023 19:32

Ok 43 and have had 9 years of a pretty much sexless marriage.

Recently found out STBXH has a new gf so I went online and found a spite hookup. Oh my god it was wild. Now I'm averaging 2 or 3 a week. It's like my body has woken up. I spent a decade feeling fat, unattractive and unwanted.

Now I feel like a goddess and sex is just that - it's sex, it's a function. Thank god for hook up sites and good underwear.

CrasyoDrago · 17/10/2023 20:00

I agree with this, in my parents and grandparents era everyone was "demisexual" lol

Not quite. It's that sex was for marriage and serious relationships then, you'd have been looked down on socially if you acted in ways we do today... That doesn't mean that they didn't want to have sex outside of relationships though, just that it wasn't the done thing. So, even if we agree that we don't like the term "demisexual", waiting until marriage doesn't make one a "demisexual". In the same way that abstaining from sex even though you really want it doesn't make you asexual, of abstaining from homosexual sex doesn't make you straight.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 17/10/2023 20:07

Waiting until you are in an established relationship though makes you a demi sexual. This may or may not be marriage.

SaffronQuoda · 17/10/2023 20:09

I'm a firm believer that the less you have the more you go off it. I was with my Ex H and am too embarrassed to say how many years we did not have sex for! After we split up I had THE most amazing sexual experience with someone and it showed me what I had been missing since I was young. While I am no longer with him I have carried this to my new relationship and now enjoy a regular sex life even at my advanced age. I feel sad for young women especially who say they could go without it for the rest of their life.

CrasyoDrago · 17/10/2023 20:18

Waiting until you are in an established relationship though makes you a demi sexual.
This may or may not be marriage.

My understanding of demisexual is that they don't desire sex or experience sexual attraction until the relationship is established, which isn't the same thing as desiring the sex but waiting.

beatrix1234 · 17/10/2023 20:18

I hear you! I’m 50 now and all my life had the highest libido EVER! I’ve had plenty plenty of sex with many many men (I’m heterosexual by the way, not that it matters), I’ve noticed that with age my libido has gone downhill, Hormonal changes in women and loss of sex drive is a THING 😢 (I miss my libido). My point is that if you always had a low sex drive nowadays at 40 it makes lots of sense you have zero interest. Don’t feel bad about it, crocheting is your friend. The good news is you don’t have to do OLD anymore and deal with twa-ts!

CrasyoDrago · 17/10/2023 20:24

"Demisexuality means being sexually attracted to someone only when you have an emotional bond with them". - so it's not just feeling attraction but not acting on it.

It's more like you feel completely asexual without the established emotional bond. So they wouldn't meet someone and think wow he's really physically attractive, they wouldn't fancy celebs etc.

BastetsWhiskers · 17/10/2023 20:29

Lack of libido here too.

If I ever met someone I wanted a companionship with I'd have no clue what to do about the loss of my sex drive.

Moving towards being asexual must be pretty common though

ManchesterLu · 17/10/2023 20:33

I feel the same in my early 30s. I love DP to bits, he's not bothered about sex either. We still cuddle every single night in bed and are otherwise affectionate - it's just that neither of us feels the need to progress things to sex.

2welshmums · 17/10/2023 20:44

Maybe you could be asexual?

Yoppole2 · 17/10/2023 20:46

Im 38 and have been single for 16 years. I never think of sex at all. And have wondered if there’s something wrong with me. The thought of sex literally never enters my head. I won’t ever be in another relationship again and one of the positives about that is that I won’t have to have sex again.

FrogFairy · 17/10/2023 20:46

Last time for me was 2000, I am now in my late fifties and don’t expect or want to have sex ever again. The thought of being intimate turns my stomach tbh so I believe I am asexual.

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