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Original poster

A sibling monopolising a parent

75 replies

Lacoeur · 03/05/2023 21:16

Has anyone experienced this in their families? Over the years we have had a couple of situations in our family/ extended family, were one sibling has completely monopolised a parent/ grandparents, in terms of time/ attention/ child care opportunities etc. How did you deal with this? Why do parents allow this kind of situation to start/ fester? I just can’t ever imagine allowing a situation were dc or dgc felt left out because someone was commanding all the attention!

OP posts:
Tighginn · 03/05/2023 21:24

Narcissistic families. Golden child\granchild. Treat it as a lucky escape to have minimal contact and never have to rely on these people.

SecretSwirrel · 03/05/2023 21:40

My DSIS does this with my DM. She is the golden child.

I very rarely get to spend time with any of my family without her being there too. It’s as if I’m not allowed to have time with them alone, she seems to be threatened by the thought of this - I might accidentally become the favourite or something.

She is secretly unite manipulative as is my DM. They’re welcome to each other.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 03/05/2023 21:41

Yes.

Don't want to comment further

But yes.

Interested in this thread?

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Families
SwanUppmanship · 03/05/2023 21:55

Do the parents see the monopolizer as more needy? Whereas the other child is seen as coping better with life/wealthier so not in need of help?

Original poster
Lacoeur · 04/05/2023 07:14

SwanUppmanship · 03/05/2023 21:55

Do the parents see the monopolizer as more needy? Whereas the other child is seen as coping better with life/wealthier so not in need of help?

Maybe so, but I still think it’s crazy how parents can not see how much time and effort they give to one but not to others. It’s made me way more conscious of splitting my time equally with my dc. If you’re seeing one dc and dgc everyday the least you can do is pick up the phone once a week to check how your others are doing.

OP posts:
EatTheDamnCake · 04/05/2023 07:17

Yes, my PILs favour their older daughter. The other DD is now in Australia and DH and I are about to leave the country too! It backfires as we don't feel any obligation to stay here to be near them.

Azealeasinbloom · 04/05/2023 07:22

Yes, SIL is very much the ‘needy’ one in DH’s family. For a long time , nothing could be organised without her inclusion, and that of he children.

I just withdrew. Not interested in subsidising SIL with my time nor money , not interested in playing into that dynamic.

It’s very liberating to just reduce contact.

Original poster
Lacoeur · 04/05/2023 07:23

EatTheDamnCake · 04/05/2023 07:17

Yes, my PILs favour their older daughter. The other DD is now in Australia and DH and I are about to leave the country too! It backfires as we don't feel any obligation to stay here to be near them.

Interesting that you say the eldest. In the situations I know of it’s been the youngest dd or the only dd. I wonder if it’s more common with daughters than sons?

Yes i agree most certainly back fires when no one wants anything to do with them anymore and they act bewildered as to why. Really?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lacoeur · 04/05/2023 07:28

Azealeasinbloom · 04/05/2023 07:22

Yes, SIL is very much the ‘needy’ one in DH’s family. For a long time , nothing could be organised without her inclusion, and that of he children.

I just withdrew. Not interested in subsidising SIL with my time nor money , not interested in playing into that dynamic.

It’s very liberating to just reduce contact.

Very much recognise this set up!

OP posts:
Skybluepinky · 04/05/2023 07:46

No, I was the favourite but I always paid for childcare and certainly didn’t take advantage. I know plenty who have and the minute u use family services for childcare u have to let them be more involved in yr life, they r all miserable bcos their family has do much say over their lives.

OldGrannyish · 04/05/2023 07:58

If you’re seeing one dc and dgc everyday the least you can do is pick up the phone once a week to check how your others are doing. 😂😂
You're slightly naive if you think they will check how the others are doing. All they do will tell your DC that they did this and that with their cousins, bought them a new pet, took them to see x,y and z. They won't actually ask your dC how or what they are doing!

barbrahunter · 04/05/2023 08:06

My older sibling is neurodiverse, this is just the way things are. However, all the way through our childhood he made it his life mission to have 100% of our mother's attention. This would involve shutting a door in my face if I tried to enter the kitchen where he and mum was, developing shared jokes that I was forcefully excluded from, doing everything in his power to drive a wedge not only between me and our mum, but between our siblings and our father.

My older sibling had quite a lot of external agencies working with him and I know that my parents were told to do everything to make him feel validated and loved. All great, but what about the rest of the family? It effectively prevented me and the others from developing a good relationship with our mother.

Ironically, he wasn't the golden child, that particular curse went to my youngest sibling.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/05/2023 08:11

I think when children are young their parents should ensure they all receive an equal amount of attention, bearing in mind needs.

But once they are grown up, it may evolve differently. One child may ask for support (which the parents enjoy giving) while anothe

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/05/2023 08:13

...another child lives further away or doesn't seek help.

I have a friend who is bitter about this same issue but she lives two hours from her parents and also is very sparing in how much she calls them. Her sister lives close and calls them daily, so it is inevitable they will be closer.

Ihaveoflate · 04/05/2023 08:14

Yes, my mother moved to live in the next street to my sister. She looks after her children almost daily, has her round for lunch or tea at least twice a week, lends her anything etc. They're like a married couple. The screen saver and wallpaper on her phone is a photo of my sister's children.

I'm lucky if I get a text every couple of weeks. I only live a 25 minute drive away but I mainly have to go there if I want to visit. She will babysit in the evening occasionally if I ask, but only if she's not busy with my sister's children. Then she complains that her relationship with my daughter isn't as close!

It might sound like I'm bitter, but I genuinely am not. I would hate to have the relationship my sister has with her. It would feel utterly suffocating.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/05/2023 08:16

Also many of us take pride in being independent and on some level would like our parents to value our independence. But the truth is independence can be distancing whereas being needed can be appealing and strengthen a relationship.

Ihaveoflate · 04/05/2023 08:19

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I think you just nailed it. My mother wants to be needed and gravitates toward that.

The thing is that when I do spend any time with her, all she talks about is my sister and her children. As a result, I find myself withdrawing further.

SirChenjins · 04/05/2023 08:19

Yes - big time, and in our case it involves large sums of money too. Makes me sick to my stomach.

Baneofmyexistence · 04/05/2023 08:27

Yes this happens in my family. It used to really annoy and upset me but me and DH just laugh about it now. I just got to a point where I realised I can’t change it so I just ignore now and sort myself out. I don’t ask for support now as I know I will rarely get it so I just don’t bother and that takes away some of disappointment when the answer is no.

Can2022getanyworse · 04/05/2023 08:35

SwanUppmanship · 03/05/2023 21:55

Do the parents see the monopolizer as more needy? Whereas the other child is seen as coping better with life/wealthier so not in need of help?

Not in my case.

Golden child is married - 2 incomes, nice house, incredibly flexible jobs but neither of them could organise a piss up in a brewery so all surprise emergency childcare (that could 100% be mitigated for with only the most basic planning) falls to my mum who lives 90 miles away.

I'm single, almost zero input from dc dad, work ft in non flexible job. Have to cope/juggle because I have nobody to fall back on (mum can't/won't commit to anything remotely regular, or even one-off well in advance requests for babysitting 'just in case I'm needed by golden sibling) and have had to struggle like fuck.

Sad thing is my mum was in exactly my shoes when we were kids and it hurts to think she knows how tough I find things sometimes. I asked her once about this and I shit you not her response was 'now you know how I felt when you were little'

GeneralMelch · 04/05/2023 08:37

Yes, my BIL (Mike) who can't do anything for himself. FIL constantly talks about him, if DH has done something, it immediately is interrupted by "Mike did this....." I hate the hurt on my husband's face. Once I counted he'd said Mike 20 times in an hour. Contact reduced after we'd had ILs for dinner, Mike rang and they left the dinner going cold to talk to him, then said we've got to go, he needs a lift somewhere, so left the food. I try and avoid them now but causes friction because DH obviously wants to see them. It's difficult.

Fluffygoon · 04/05/2023 08:37

OldGrannyish · 04/05/2023 07:58

If you’re seeing one dc and dgc everyday the least you can do is pick up the phone once a week to check how your others are doing. 😂😂
You're slightly naive if you think they will check how the others are doing. All they do will tell your DC that they did this and that with their cousins, bought them a new pet, took them to see x,y and z. They won't actually ask your dC how or what they are doing!

Relate to this - we used to have my mil round for Sunday lunch every few weeks. She’d sit at the table and boastfully tell my kids what she’d done with their cousins when they came to stay (every weekend). It was done in such a sociopathic way we had to reduce contact to a bare minimum and not allow her to be alone with our kids.
Golden child/scapegoat dynamic.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 04/05/2023 08:38

My in-laws don't provide childcare but they do look after our dog for us while we work - from the outside it would look like we're massively taking the piss but the reality is that my FIL adores having him and actively complains if we don't need to send him 😂

If I ever pick him early I'm told off - the other day he said to me "but he hasn't had his lunch yet, his routine will be all off!" 🙈

We've offered to pay for daycare or bring him to work with us, or he can stay home for portions of the day - but we're told not to be ridiculous and "of course he has to come here!".

I think it's difficult because parents have different relationships with each of their children too so maybe it's natural to do more for the children you're closest to or have more in common with. Not saying that's acceptable but I suspect it plays a big role in this kind of thing.

miniegg3 · 04/05/2023 08:41

100% with my inlaws, DS was ditched like a hot potato once her DD had a child. After many arguments and getting nowhere we've just taken a huge step back and have hardly anything to do with them, much easier

Remaker · 04/05/2023 08:44

Yes and it used to upset me when the kids were young but I decided to get over it. You can’t make someone behave the way you want them to. In my case my mum would use any mention I made of her favouritism towards my brother as evidence that I was jealous and demanding and would complain about me to her sister and friends. My aunt saw through it luckily and we are now closer than I am to mum. I treat her the way I think it is right to treat someone elderly and vulnerable as she now is. But I don’t go above and beyond as I don’t feel the need.