A sibling monopolising a parent

[Lacoeur]

Has anyone experienced this in their families? Over the years we have had a couple of situations in our family/ extended family, were one sibling has completely monopolised a parent/ grandparents, in terms of time/ attention/ child care opportunities etc. How did you deal with this? Why do parents allow this kind of situation to start/ fester? I just can’t ever imagine allowing a situation were dc or dgc felt left out because someone was commanding all the attention!

Yes, we have this with SIL. Everything, Christmas, my children's birthdays, days out, family events etc all have to be run past what is best for her and we are expected to fall into line. Even when our circumstances went a bit pear shaped we were effectively shunned if we couldn't mould ourselves to fit how SIL wanted things to be. It is very difficult. I get so cross when I see how hurt DH is, but he doesn't want to ruin what little relationship he has by bringing it up. Our children are too young to notice really and we will do our best to shield them from it but I am dreading them noticing that they are so obviously second best to the favoured grandchildren. I dont expect things to be completely equal but I never in a million years expected this!

I have to say, if I was in your mum’s place, I’d step out of any childcare arrangement.

Putting so much pressure on someone to be ‘fair’ is insane tbh. One because you are making the person who could and is helping you ill. But also because fair doesn’t equal!! And certainly not equal just right now.

It always makes me wonder what’s going on with the people who react like this. It sounds like jealousy, old hurt and rigid expectations all mixed into one.

I don’t know about many men, but many women (esp the older generation) still have this ridiculous ‘a son’s your son until he gets a wife’ thing - and so often men find themselves pushed out of the mother/daughter relationship as a result of that attitude.

These threads make me sad. Same here. Massive difference between MIL treatment of her DD and her DS (my DH). It’s gone on as long as I’ve known them and my DC have no meaningful relationship with her. They’re polite on the rare occasion they see her but have formed their own opinions and they’re not good. We stay quite LC but FIL is ill and DH has a better relationship with him so out of necessity has more contact with MIL at the moment and it is having a real effect on his health - the stress is giving him an ulcer.

and so often men find themselves pushed out of the mother/daughter relationship as a result of that attitude.

I don't think they get pushed out at all, I think they drift out from lack of being bothered to maintain the relationship.

My mum tries to be as fair as possible to all her children. As all the grandchildren have big age difference things like help woth childcare have differed due to her working when the first lot arrived and retired when the next lot arrived. But she tries...... one of my brothers lives a but further away and complains of being ignored but to be honest I'm not exactly living in her pockets and sometimes if I didn't ring her we wouldn't talk for weeks on end.

However my husbands mum clearly favours his sister. I used to try and make such an effort with them when my dd was born but we we still got left out, made to mould our plans around sil and mil, they were always bitching about me for some reason or other and it just got too hard. This favoritism of his sister goes back to childhood by all accounts (heard from other family members) I think husband is so downtrodden by it all - he knows his place and its not worth the hassle to do anything about it.

I have stepped back and left all contact to be conducted by my husband - he really can't seem to be bothered - he has more contact with his dad who will often say 'speak to your mum' husbands reply is always it works both ways. His mum does not contact him at all but she spends a lot of time with sil and her children (Shared hobby as well)
When we do see them she often spends a lot of time talking about the cousins and to us and my dd which makes me sad as I rarely hear her ask my dd about what she has been doing. I cannot understand that whilst she is spending so much time and holidays with one set of grandchildren it never occurs to her just once to attempt to see her other one.

The other thing is that for some reason dd absolutely adores them which annoys me because it is just setting her up for hurt in the future. It annoys me because she does not deserve this hero status and love for the little she does.

I also know I will never lift a finger to help her or fil with anytime of care when the time comes and that as fair as I am concerned that responsibility lies with sil. If husband feels obligated to help out of parental respect that's up to him but I will not get involved.

Those saying the monopolising is created because one party doesn’t bother to maintain the relationship but it’s hard to do so when being continually pushed out, uninvited, overlooked, cancelled on.
I personally think it’s for the parent to recognise the situation and create a more equal balance. Many are also getting something in return for the monopolising though, so head stays firmly in the sand.

@Lacoeur I agree. At the end of the day no matter how grown up your children are the relationship is always one of parent and child. It is the parents job to ensure fairness. I appreciate that sometimes one family may need more help and support than an other, but this is not what we are talking about.

Any adult should be able to tell 'you know what I've spent 3 holidays with one of my DC and helped them with x amount of childcare and gone on x amount of days outs with them - perhaps I'll ring my other child and see how they are.'

Same here with MIL
She always said “I don’t worry about you and Mr Hopping, you are so capable”
While she treats SIL like bone china who can’t be asked to parent her own children on her own (she has a DH as well) because she finds it difficult
So basically we get F all help but it’s ok because she gets F all control

I think this is often to do with the DPs upbringing and childhood.
Eg they had a bullying brother - then they will favour the Dd. They believed they as the eldest were ignored for the youngest- they’ll favour the eldest . DC looks like them so favoured. They were the brightest but it was not supported or recognised so they will favour the clever/ hardworking one. Etc But it is repeating the cycle sadly.

I think it depends if you believe that everybody should be treated “the same” to be equal. Equality is not about treating everyone the same.

We’ll have to agree to differ on that one. If it’s made clear to them by their DM that her relationship with the sister is more important to her and that they have far more in common as women then of course the man will step back.

We have kind of the opposite with a family member who thanks to second marriage now has bio DC and SDC. Literally everything has to be equal. If what you ask for for Christmas is £10 under the allocated budget you’ll get something random to make up the total, or over, you can’t have it… if one needs something, everyone else has to have it too (or the one who needs it gets a flat no as they can’t do it for everyone).

For visits, everything has to align so they see all DCs in same time period, even if it’s inconvenient.

The intentions are good but it’s quite annoying and has none of the nuance to show the care needed for individual needs. If one DC needs help or support, none of the others should begrudge that or expect equal at that moment.

Yes my SIL with MIL, very manipulative. MiL & FIL constantly guilt tripped. My kids never there alone, if SIL catches wind that my DC getting time with their GPs, SIL is there like speedy gonazalez and manages to get her kids on a sleepover - so when I pick up they don’t know why they’re not sleeping over. Nightmare.

Yes I get this from MIL, you’re so good/so capable and that SILs (privately educated dad is a Partner in a top city practice kids) are so deprived etc etc

This is exactly what my mother does!

This is my family
My grandparents on my mother's side favoured our cousins
We didn't get a look in-my cousins had the better easter eggs,pets at theirs,days out,toys/clothes-the list was endless
We did get to hear about it all though-thankfully,I had my grandad on my father's side who was amazing

My mother is the same with my brother (I'm the eldest,then a brother and then twin brothers)
I was a single parent and I'd be on my knees,begging for help
All I'd get is 'I cant help as twin 1 needs me'

Twin 1 is known for sucking up all the support,money,time and help and there is not much left over for brother 1 or twin 2-nothing at all for me

He's also a drug addict-she pays for his drugs but refused to help me when I was so skint I didn't have food or nappies in-it all went on him as 'he needs it more than you do'

All she used to talk about was twin 1-its like the rest of us didn't exist until brother 1 and twin 2 turned on her and made it clear they existed as well-twin 1 took this badly and caused a lot of grief that simply wasn't needed-they do get a tiny bit more out of her,but only if twin 1 is OK with it

My mother and twin 1 are narcissistic people-i think twin 2 is as well

I walked away from the lot of them-i made my own support network and only allow people into my life if I want them there

My family are amazed that I won't be wiping their arses like they planned (being female-its all I'm fit for)
Let twin 1 do it-as soon as they need him,they won't see him for dust-i can't see the other two helping either-that will be left to their wives

More fool them if they do

With my in-laws too. SIL is a single parent, refuses to work and sucks the life and money out of my ILs. Every time we call to ILs she's there, or if she's not there, her DS is. When ILs go away we're asked if we can have her over for dinner etc. She has had her house re-decorated thanks to ILs, car paid for, all inclusive holidays etc.

The situation is complex though and I know she finds things difficult but it pisses me off, particularly because I know every Christmas and Easter when dearILs are dead I'll have to host SIL. She's also a headwreck which doesn't help.

My BIL monopolises my ILs and consequently my husbands relationship with them has suffered. It’s a good life lesson to never let that happen with your own children. You just have to let it go and muddle through the relationship as best you can. Attend family get togethers and be the best person you can be, even though listening to BS is highly frustrating. We tried to change it and it’s ingrained behaviour from all of them so is pretty impossible to change.

I grew up in a single parent home with my sister. She was the PFB, very beautiful - long blonde hair, clear skin, blue eyes, great figure. I was a bit plump, acne, dark haired, a bit alternative. My sister looked like my mum and my mum always favoured her. I was always sidelined and became extremely independent because of it.
My sister died of a drug overdose a few years ago. Its been weird with my mum, who literally has no idea what i did between the ages of 20 and 35, other than i lived in London. She doesn't know my career or qualifications, where ive traveled, who i know etc, and its all coming as a bit of a shock to her i think.
She still likes to say that i "was off doing my own thing", like it was completely my choice.
She's 80 now and i have no intention of upsetting her and explaining my beef about it all. I did that years ago in therapy.

I think you're very wise not trying to tackle your mum about it @JellyComb . As others have said, it wouldn't change anything. Your experience rang a bell with me, too. My mum couldn't tell you what my job was, or what my qualifications were. Part of me now feels proud that I did it all alone, my parents were never going to be interested and it is impossible to force someone to care. Although I did challenge my mum's proud comment about golden child's qualifications which are not as advanced as mine (I know, I know, but I couldn't help myself)

Yes. Before I went no contact, if I ever asked to go around, I was told "no because (sister) might want to come over" - she has her own family but still goes for tea most nights.

It’s hard to maintain a relationship because some adult children just don’t make an effort to keep in contact with their parents. In my brothers case he plays victim and says he’s being pushed out, no one makes time for him , I’m the favourite etc but it’s all to do with him being a selfish, manipulative alcoholic. I’ve heard it all from him. Now NC.

should my mum miss out on my children (spending time with them, going to dance shows , school shows etc) just because my brother is a selfish man who just can’t be arsed to maintain his relationship with his own mum? He’s quick enough to get in contact when he needs money!

I can remember Christmas after Christmas them sending the children to my mums to open their presents and see their cousins but neither him or his wife came cause it made his wife upset to see everyone !

I used to think it was my DSis fault but I've come to realise it set up by my parents - my kids haven't really seen them by themselves since niece was born.

We moved closer no difference - just built resentment - it's easier to ignore from a distance.

Also interesting that new DN - half sibling to niece - is not as favoured.

There are reasons given by them and others but sis was always favoured as a child - she is a single parent so can't blame her for taking the help offered it's allowed her to retain and have a social life - it just hard when I was turned down for help when my kids were in hospital.

Oddly my DP were the none favoured child as were we as GC - Dsis oddly especially so - though always DMum favourite though they'd have denied it.

My other sibling is one getting upset with DSis at minute - can't help with DParents - and I'm no where near so they're picking up the slack and resenting getting no help from Dsis who they feel should be doing more especially as it was just before health downturn she got a lot of help from them. DN though often spoken of isn't really seen now. There's also a little bewilderment and a little accusation that they don't know my kids - I made so many opportunities that got turned down or not made most of.

We're the "copers" on both sides of the family so we don’t get much.

On MIL side I understand it more - she's so put upon by BIL1 that she has hardly any time for herself and tbh I'd rather she took time to decompress and go on holidays than kill herself trying to make it even. At least with her she enjoys coming to see us as we treat her better and don't take advantage.

We're further away from my DP so don't expect help with childcare but it is difficult when we go down to visit to be constantly second best. We also have the situation of DPs rarely managing to answer or return a call because they're so busy babysitting. We called it out a few times but after a week of effort it tapers off and it feels worse so we've stopped trying as much. I'm sure in a few years time we'll be blamed for not making the effort.