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Original poster

A sibling monopolising a parent

75 replies

Lacoeur · 03/05/2023 21:16

Has anyone experienced this in their families? Over the years we have had a couple of situations in our family/ extended family, were one sibling has completely monopolised a parent/ grandparents, in terms of time/ attention/ child care opportunities etc. How did you deal with this? Why do parents allow this kind of situation to start/ fester? I just can’t ever imagine allowing a situation were dc or dgc felt left out because someone was commanding all the attention!

OP posts:
MegaClutterSlut · 04/05/2023 08:44

We have this with sil. Dh even sent mil a heartfelt message explaining how it makes him and the dcs feel, didn't change a thing. She sees sil a few times a week, us about once every 3/4 months. We live 5 minutes from sils. We used to always visit her and ring her multiple times a week but it was always one sided so week stopped trying as she's clearly not interested in us 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Lacoeur · 04/05/2023 08:47

I wouldnt want the relationship / dynamic that the monopolisers have with their parents. Like some of said it’s suffocating af and also it gives the parents a say in your business which is a no no for me. I just think I could be a bit more accepting of a super close relationship if a bit more effort was shown outside of it with other dc or dgc! I just find it so odd that some parents find it so hard to be equal with their children and there is always one sibling who takes full advantage of this. Irregardless of distance or need you should want to be involved in all dc or dgcs lives, even if it is a text, phone call, FaceTime.

OP posts:
2chocolateoranges · 04/05/2023 08:49

My brother would say that I monopolise my mums time but the reality is that I make more of an effort, I invite her for dinner, weekends away, days out. I involve her in the grandchildren events, eg school, dancing, boys brigade etc. I want my children to have a good relationship and good memories with their grandma like I had with my grans

he does jack shit, he doesn’t visit and doesn’t include her in his family then has the cheek to complain about me!

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Original poster
Lacoeur · 04/05/2023 08:51

2chocolateoranges · 04/05/2023 08:49

My brother would say that I monopolise my mums time but the reality is that I make more of an effort, I invite her for dinner, weekends away, days out. I involve her in the grandchildren events, eg school, dancing, boys brigade etc. I want my children to have a good relationship and good memories with their grandma like I had with my grans

he does jack shit, he doesn’t visit and doesn’t include her in his family then has the cheek to complain about me!

But is his behaviour a by product of you monopolising your dm/ dm favouring you? A lot of people will distance themselves to protect themselves and their dc.

OP posts:
unkownone · 04/05/2023 08:53

Yep Db. Said to hubby seems if you have a penis you’re super special in our family. DM always starts with..I knew you’d be upset 🙄

DanceMonster · 04/05/2023 08:54

On these threads no one admits to being the favoured sibling in this situations! DH’s sister has far more help/contact etc from the in laws but they all live in a different country to us so it’s inevitable really. I’m an only child.

MrsFroggie · 04/05/2023 08:55

Yes, I am the middle of three and my youngest sister has always been the favoured one. She also has a very needy personality. She has always monopolized my parents with both time and money both as a child and adult. I often felt like a spare part, someone just observing family life from the sidelines.

As adults, she is the most comfortable of the three of us as her husband is very successful and wealthy. My parents sold their house to build an annex onto her house so that they can be close to her for their old age. My parents were on hand to provide a lot of care for her DC (even though she doesn't work). It's all kind of back fired a bit now as she is stuck overseeing their care (they have carers coming in daily) and moans about it all to us all the time. I advised against the building of this annexe at the time. Not because of the money (I knew there wouldn't be anything coming my way anyway) but because I knew she would tire of the responsibility once they were infirm and the money would be better spent on a care home solution at this stage of my parents' life. But I was ignored by my parents and sister. Not that they had actually asked for my advice anyway.....

BlueDinoRawr · 04/05/2023 08:57

Tighginn · 03/05/2023 21:24

Narcissistic families. Golden child\granchild. Treat it as a lucky escape to have minimal contact and never have to rely on these people.

This is my own experience of PIL. Golden child gets all the time/attention and this hd extended to their children. When my eldest was 3 he actually believed they weren’t also his grandparents but only his cousins, he just saw that he wasn’t the one getting all the gifts and attention.

3FriendsAndADog · 04/05/2023 09:00

Lacoeur · 04/05/2023 08:51

But is his behaviour a by product of you monopolising your dm/ dm favouring you? A lot of people will distance themselves to protect themselves and their dc.

Show quote history

Or like many men, he can’t be bothered to make the effort to keep the relationship going….
And he doesn’t have a wife happy to do the ‘wife work’ of inviting his mum to events, buy presents etc…

3FriendsAndADog · 04/05/2023 09:02

I think another situation where one sibling gets more time is when one of the children has some issues, health issues, MH, SN, disability, ND etc….
By default, they need more time from the parent, more support and this carries into adulthood (and Tbf, sometimes they also do need that extra support too)

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/05/2023 09:06

But is his behaviour a by product of you monopolising your dm/ dm favouring you? A lot of people will distance themselves to protect themselves and their dc

I don't think you can assume this at all. Lots of men fail to maintain relationships with their family of origin because they just can't be arsed, and if their wife doesn't pick it up, it doesn't happen. There is research showing that women play a disproportionate role in keeping family relationships strong.

I suspect 2chocokateoranges is describing her own family situation very accurately.

Justalittlebitduckling · 04/05/2023 09:06

I challenged my parents about this and listed all the ways they had been unfair. They genuinely hadn’t noticed.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 04/05/2023 09:07

Yes.

My mum would deny it but I could give a load of examples.

I've given up with her now after she let me down at the last minute in favour of having my nephew when I really needed the help.

Original poster
Lacoeur · 04/05/2023 09:09

Justalittlebitduckling · 04/05/2023 09:06

I challenged my parents about this and listed all the ways they had been unfair. They genuinely hadn’t noticed.

Yes many assume the one who is distant is doing ok. But I find the one who has stepped back has done so because of the monopolising. It’s very chicken or the egg situation.

OP posts:
riseabovetheshite · 04/05/2023 09:11

I think there can be an awful lot of jealousy among siblings if GP's are doing some sort of free childcare. My MIL minds her son's 2 children and has done for the past 8 years. Her daughter now has a baby is is VERY put out because MIL has said taking a newborn is too much for her. There is so much resentment there that her brother's kids get free childcare and she has to pay. The MIL is very upset and the 2 siblings don't talk.
Free childcare from GP's can cause so much shit.

2chocolateoranges · 04/05/2023 09:11

Lacoeur · 04/05/2023 08:51

But is his behaviour a by product of you monopolising your dm/ dm favouring you? A lot of people will distance themselves to protect themselves and their dc.

Show quote history

His behaviour is down to the fact that he is selfish and lazy and also it keeps his wife happy when he doesn’t include his family.

From my side I speak to my mum every day, see each other once a week but she also has a very active social life of walking clubs, bowling and church.

CalpolDependant · 04/05/2023 09:14

Yep. Very familiar.

Bluebells1970 · 04/05/2023 09:18

Oh god yeah, my sister is the golden child and her and our mum live in each others pockets. They work together (mum's business but I've never been included or asked), see each other every day, go on holiday together. They even went on holiday over my 50th birthday so I didn't get to see mum... and my sister had booked it. My sister and I are NC because I just don't have the energy for her control freakery anymore, but have had to be in contact due to our Dad being unwell and dying at the beginning of this year. I'm counting the days until we've interred his ashes and I can retreat once more to my safety zone to avoid her poison arrows. Our mum has never once called her out on her behaviour towards me, even though it's left other people open mouthed at her nastiness.

I've got 3 DC and I've made a massive effort that none of mine will ever feel the way that I've done over the years. I hope it's made me a better parent.

OakElmAsh · 04/05/2023 09:23

Just to give another perspective, my mother twists herself into an absolute knot on a regular basis trying to make sure she is strictly fair in terms of help given / childcare/ etc among her 3 kids. She's a wonderful grandmother, adored by all her 8 grandchildren, but its a real source of stress & anxiety for her, and has caused her mental health issues.
the anxiety stemmed from her helping 1 of my brothers more than the other (my kids are older and don't need as much help anymore), and the 2 SILs got into it. Objectively, the family that needed the help due to tough circumstances got it, but the other family were literally counting & comparing days of childcare.
It makes me sad for my mum that she is being almost treated as a commodity to share out equitably

PenelopeTitsDrop3121 · 04/05/2023 09:31

EatTheDamnCake · 04/05/2023 07:17

Yes, my PILs favour their older daughter. The other DD is now in Australia and DH and I are about to leave the country too! It backfires as we don't feel any obligation to stay here to be near them.

Count yourself lucky you won't be their bottom wipers in their old age.

Yep,we live almost 4 hours away from them, so don't see them often. Sister in law,nieces and nephews all live with FIL yet when we all go out for a rare meal,they all scramble to sit together. Really annoys us as they're with eachother 24/7.

riseabovetheshite · 04/05/2023 09:31

OakElmAsh · 04/05/2023 09:23

Just to give another perspective, my mother twists herself into an absolute knot on a regular basis trying to make sure she is strictly fair in terms of help given / childcare/ etc among her 3 kids. She's a wonderful grandmother, adored by all her 8 grandchildren, but its a real source of stress & anxiety for her, and has caused her mental health issues.
the anxiety stemmed from her helping 1 of my brothers more than the other (my kids are older and don't need as much help anymore), and the 2 SILs got into it. Objectively, the family that needed the help due to tough circumstances got it, but the other family were literally counting & comparing days of childcare.
It makes me sad for my mum that she is being almost treated as a commodity to share out equitably

Exactly this, so so unfair on grandparents.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 04/05/2023 09:40

But is his behaviour a by product of you monopolising your dm/ dm favouring you? A lot of people will distance themselves to protect themselves and their dc.

Why do you feel it must be a woman who's at fault?

Maybe, like many adult children, he can't be arsed to put in any effort 🤷‍♀️ maintaining a relationship with your parents into adulthood works both ways - if you never bother ringing or inviting them over, you can't be surprised when your relationship fades.

Starintheshow · 04/05/2023 09:41

Imo sil is in laws golden child. It's so blatant but neither they nor dh can see it 🤷‍♀️

Nothing can be arranged without sil being there.

When our dc were small we were left out of gatherings if they weren't child appropriate or expected to drag the dc along. Now sil has dc everything revolves around them and must be child appropriate.

Regular weekly childcare for sil dc while she works.

If we ask for a babysitter which happens 3-4 times a year at the absolute most they are either busy, already looking after sils dc or have to include them and tailor activities to the younger children so ours miss out.

Lots of comparing, sil has it harder, sil is worse off, sil can't do things, sil can't cope, sil can't afford things, (none of which are true but have to listen to it endlessly).

Never ask about or show much interest about our dc but always filling us in on every tiny detail of the other grandchildren.

2chocolateoranges · 04/05/2023 09:43

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 04/05/2023 09:40

But is his behaviour a by product of you monopolising your dm/ dm favouring you? A lot of people will distance themselves to protect themselves and their dc.

Why do you feel it must be a woman who's at fault?

Maybe, like many adult children, he can't be arsed to put in any effort 🤷‍♀️ maintaining a relationship with your parents into adulthood works both ways - if you never bother ringing or inviting them over, you can't be surprised when your relationship fades.

Totally agreed. My mum has tried and failed many times. They only contacted her or answered her calls when they wanted something eg money or babysitting.

my mum has now backed off to protect herself as she has been hurt too many times which is probably why I overcompensate at times.

itsserendipity · 04/05/2023 09:49

This is all very familiar. My mum does everything for my sibling, even moved house hours away to be their free childcare. If we ever ask for support or whether we can visit/she can come here, she never says yes immediately because she has to ask them for permission. Also given enormous sums of money and bailed out of every uncomfortable situation without a scratch. It's been really hurtful, though a continuing pattern since childhood I guess, so I am so conscious to be fair with my kids.