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Original poster

Worried about my husband how cam I ease the burden of life?

77 replies

Woodward23 · 01/05/2023 11:01

My husband works long hours full time 5 days a week doing quite an important role for a food industry. He brings home so much stress on his shoulders his constantly tired, run down and has very little time to do anything.

He often says how his got so much to do no one appreciates the work he does at work and no one helps him. His the only person on the role of work.

We have 2 children under the age of 10 mmand they can both be so very demanding/stressful /typically child behaviour and arguing together and a young playful dog under 1(so its basically like a 3rd child!) We own our home and have no money worries. We have a holiday home also. We do well in regards of our assets.

we will do family time /going out/shopping/holidays at the weekend but theres always something to do. Currently his researching home insurance/ breakdown cover renewal. His a treasurer of the local scout committee which he enjoys but its more pressure to him and he has to do that in what little spare time he gets. The kids do after school activities so there's that to take into account also

I don't work but volunteer and look after my elderly parents and take care of the house so do try to relieve the stress but there is somethings i cant do like the insurances. -weve spoken about me going back to work many times but for our family situation its easier for me not to and his very happy with the arrangement we have also.
His got a long list of things to do today and I often worry about his mental health. His quite emotional at silly things TV adverts /a meme and gets upsets/crys easily.
His had his health checked bloods ect pretty recently and his actually in really good health in that regard his 35 but he wouldn't dream about speaking to anyone about the stress he feels . He said to me- when did life get so stressful and busy all the time. When is the break i feel like I'm just surviving and not living. I wish I could get some time back

Anyway thanks for reading any advice warmly welcome

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 01/05/2023 11:05

Reduce standard of living, get a less stressful job.

People are more important than holiday homes.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 01/05/2023 11:07

Do you both usually get overwhelmed with small tasks? I renewed my home insurance last month - quick google for best quote then ten minutes to fill out the details. Why can’t you do these things while he’s at work? Ditto shopping. Get shopping delivered/hire a cleaner? Make the weekends genuine free time.

ResultsMayVary · 01/05/2023 11:19

It sounds like he needs more fun or recreational time rather than feeling like life is an endless list of responsibilities.

What does he like to do to relax? Can he resign as treasurer and take up something like a sport to burn off some of the anxiety and just have some fun?

Can shopping be done during the week rather than the weekend perhaps by just ordering online?

DancedByTheLightOfTheMoon · 01/05/2023 11:22

Can he reduce his hours or maybe look for a less challenging job.

NotmykingEatCake · 01/05/2023 11:23

Is he using pointless tasks like researching insurance to check out of parenting? I wouldn't tolerate that. Insurance is a ten min job.

Original poster
Woodward23 · 01/05/2023 15:19

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 01/05/2023 11:07

Do you both usually get overwhelmed with small tasks? I renewed my home insurance last month - quick google for best quote then ten minutes to fill out the details. Why can’t you do these things while he’s at work? Ditto shopping. Get shopping delivered/hire a cleaner? Make the weekends genuine free time.

Yes I do get quite overwhelmed also thinking about that. I did do the breakdown cover my self but I like him to check it over incase I've done anything wrong .
Shopping/cleaning i tend to do though we do gets lots of food from his work cheaper so its easier as it'll just come home with him

OP posts:
Original poster
Woodward23 · 01/05/2023 15:21

NotmykingEatCake · 01/05/2023 11:23

Is he using pointless tasks like researching insurance to check out of parenting? I wouldn't tolerate that. Insurance is a ten min job.

@NotmykingEatCake no its something that actually needed doing. He is a very hands on dad and does his fair share

OP posts:
Castlesquare · 01/05/2023 15:24

I did do the breakdown cover my self but I like him to check it over incase I've done anything wrong

Something you can do right there to ease the burden on him. You can’t really go wrong applying for breakdown cover.

Original poster
Woodward23 · 01/05/2023 15:24

ResultsMayVary · 01/05/2023 11:19

It sounds like he needs more fun or recreational time rather than feeling like life is an endless list of responsibilities.

What does he like to do to relax? Can he resign as treasurer and take up something like a sport to burn off some of the anxiety and just have some fun?

Can shopping be done during the week rather than the weekend perhaps by just ordering online?

@ResultsMayVary thats a good point. He enjoys gaming, walking, music and food
His not been in the treasury role long nd enjoys giving back to the community so I doubt that is soemtbung he will want to give up.
Shopping is much just like general days out to enjoy our selfs its not food needed.
Today for example has been different and weve spent it by dog walking. House stuff like the insurances and breakdown
Doing playdoh with the kids he fixed up the kids bikes and we went on a bike ride

OP posts:
Anoisagusaris · 01/05/2023 15:27

He shouldn’t be that stressed working 5 days a week with a stay at home partner. Sounds like you both make simple tasks into bigger ordeals than they should be.

Original poster
Woodward23 · 01/05/2023 15:27

Castlesquare · 01/05/2023 15:24

I did do the breakdown cover my self but I like him to check it over incase I've done anything wrong

Something you can do right there to ease the burden on him. You can’t really go wrong applying for breakdown cover.

Yeah good point i need to belive in my self more that I can do these things by my self that are to do with the house/car
I just weren't sure if we wanted a certain extra hence I was like no I can't do it by my self I need him 🤣

OP posts:
Waterfallgirl · 01/05/2023 15:37

What else is on his long list OP? If it’s life admin /house type admin/ family finances I’d expect the non working partner to get these things done during the working week.
You don’t say why you don’t work ( not judging) but if he is working long hours then you do have to pick up some of these things yourself.
Also, ( again not judging just observing ) if you have no mortgage and a holiday home in your mid 30s on one salary you are doing very well, so is there an option for him to change job roles and look for something less stressful on a lower salary ?

Shinyandnew1 · 01/05/2023 15:44

but there is somethings i cant do like the insurances

Why can’t you do them?

If you are not working at all, whilst he works long hours in a full time job, I would say it’s down to you to be doing these things.

His got a long list of things to do today

Can you do most of them?

topcat2014 · 01/05/2023 15:47

I'm an accountant and ended up with voluntary jobs that were like work, ie school governor, charity trustee and yes scout treasurer.

I binned a few off as they did become chores.

I spend all work time looking after others money, so don't spend too long on my own. All our insurance is with a broker.

Don't do any shopping at the weekend. Try to make your whole life not a list of tasks.

A friend is like this, and depressed as it happens.

Watch less or even no news. Cancel paper subscriptions.

Floralnomad · 01/05/2023 15:48

You need to get some self esteem so that you can do things like sort the insurance out , it’s really not difficult and frankly if you are a SAHM a then the running of the house should be predominantly down to you including the financial side .

otherwayup · 01/05/2023 15:50

Anoisagusaris · 01/05/2023 15:27

He shouldn’t be that stressed working 5 days a week with a stay at home partner. Sounds like you both make simple tasks into bigger ordeals than they should be.

This.
Op you do realise many families have 2 parents in busy, stressful jobs?

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 01/05/2023 15:58

If he refuses to speak to anyone about the stress he feels, what’s his other suggestions to improve his life? Why doesn’t he choose a part time job, and you can get a job too? You said he’s happy with you not working but that doesn’t align with him whining he never gets a break or any time. Why ‘can’t’ you do something as basic as insurance? 😵‍💫

Hugasauras · 01/05/2023 16:01

This just sounds like normal family stuff and standard life admin that everyone has to do? If he's doing all the admin stuff and working full time and you aren't then why can't you just do the insurance? Is this some sort of set-up where you don't have any access to financial stuff and have no idea about how your family's finances are run?

2bazookas · 01/05/2023 16:04

OF COURSE you can do all that admin stuff like insurance and breakdown cover. Do it online; use a comparison site. Pick your insurer and policy then if you have any questions or need to check anything, you have their phone services as back up. You can do this; it's not hard.

You can do the shopping and house work far faster and more efficiently when the kids are at school out of the way. Then the weekends are freed up to either, do fun stuff as a family, or DH has some time to himself. He could join a walking group to combine excercise, fresh air and a social break.

That long list he's working through can just as well be done by you. You need to step up and take some of the weight off his shoulders.

If you don't do that now; then you risk his physical and/or mental health breaking down. Then you'd have to do everything.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 01/05/2023 16:06

otherwayup · 01/05/2023 15:50

This.
Op you do realise many families have 2 parents in busy, stressful jobs?

Show quote history

This was my thought too…we both have full time 40 hour week jobs plus I do an additional 8 hours in an evening/weekend role, several pets and a 7 year old in multiple extra curricular activities and we never feel like this. Life is busy but enjoyable. Can you schedule in some down time for both of you? Dog walking and play doh and a bike ride sounds like a lovely day ☺️ maybe try and schedule in more days like that as a family? Things like insurance really don’t have to be stressful or time consuming.

Original poster
Woodward23 · 01/05/2023 16:08

otherwayup · 01/05/2023 15:50

This.
Op you do realise many families have 2 parents in busy, stressful jobs?

Show quote history

Bit rude! Of course I realise this. However my life and what I do as I've already mentioned can also be stressful so I don't see why that makes a different working or not

OP posts:
PieMashLiquor · 01/05/2023 16:08

Op you are making mountains out of molehills

2bazookas · 01/05/2023 16:10

The kids do after school activities so there's that to take into account also

Surely the kids activities organising and ferrying is something you can do? Then when he gets home exhausted he can sit down feet up and relax.

Botw1 · 01/05/2023 16:11

Sounds like he hates his job.

He should look for a different, less stressful job he enjoys more.

You should get a job to help with finances

HydrangeaFairy · 01/05/2023 16:12

If you are not working then you should do everything to do with the house.
Money seems to not be an object so can you hire in help?
Make sure all shopping and household jobs are done weekdays while he is at work.
Make decisions yourself. Asking his advice or permission adds to his mental load.
Could he go part time?

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