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Original poster

Worried about my husband how cam I ease the burden of life?

77 replies

Woodward23 · 01/05/2023 11:01

My husband works long hours full time 5 days a week doing quite an important role for a food industry. He brings home so much stress on his shoulders his constantly tired, run down and has very little time to do anything.

He often says how his got so much to do no one appreciates the work he does at work and no one helps him. His the only person on the role of work.

We have 2 children under the age of 10 mmand they can both be so very demanding/stressful /typically child behaviour and arguing together and a young playful dog under 1(so its basically like a 3rd child!) We own our home and have no money worries. We have a holiday home also. We do well in regards of our assets.

we will do family time /going out/shopping/holidays at the weekend but theres always something to do. Currently his researching home insurance/ breakdown cover renewal. His a treasurer of the local scout committee which he enjoys but its more pressure to him and he has to do that in what little spare time he gets. The kids do after school activities so there's that to take into account also

I don't work but volunteer and look after my elderly parents and take care of the house so do try to relieve the stress but there is somethings i cant do like the insurances. -weve spoken about me going back to work many times but for our family situation its easier for me not to and his very happy with the arrangement we have also.
His got a long list of things to do today and I often worry about his mental health. His quite emotional at silly things TV adverts /a meme and gets upsets/crys easily.
His had his health checked bloods ect pretty recently and his actually in really good health in that regard his 35 but he wouldn't dream about speaking to anyone about the stress he feels . He said to me- when did life get so stressful and busy all the time. When is the break i feel like I'm just surviving and not living. I wish I could get some time back

Anyway thanks for reading any advice warmly welcome

OP posts:
UnshakenNeedsStirring · 01/05/2023 16:16

You can always go to work part time and he can go part time too. That will relieve his stress.
AS you are a SAHP, you can do all the house admin like insurances etc, its a half an hour job. No need to ask him for that is there? I fail to understand what you do all day if you are not working and cant do insurance etc?

RoseThornside · 01/05/2023 16:17

You need to do the insurances etc. Making yourself helpless like this is no good for anyone. If he left you tomorrow (unlikely of course, but you never know) it would be much harder on you because you'd have to do all these things yourself that you've been relying on him for. When a friend's dh left her, I remember her saying a few weeks in that it had been a bad day and she'd cried because she'd had to mow the lawn. I told her to call me next time and I'd do it for her - I mow my own lawn year round! No skin off my nose if my dh were to leave. There's nothing he does that I don't do. Actually he'd be the one in trouble because he can't operate a washing machine or do the insurances.

Original poster
Woodward23 · 01/05/2023 16:21

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 01/05/2023 16:16

You can always go to work part time and he can go part time too. That will relieve his stress.
AS you are a SAHP, you can do all the house admin like insurances etc, its a half an hour job. No need to ask him for that is there? I fail to understand what you do all day if you are not working and cant do insurance etc?

Literally have said twice now I volunteer and care for our elderly parents . I don't spend my days sat on my arse 🙄

OP posts:
DanceBeneathADiamondSky · 01/05/2023 16:23

This resonates with me a bit.

I do not get stressed or overwhelmed with things like arranging insurance or shopping or anything like that. Neither does DH but he makes and absolute meal out of things like this and will research everything and go over it and procrastinate and makes things so much harder than they really need to be. He works and looks after kids a lot (we both work ft during term time, so it really is half and half childcare, as it should be).

He was so stressed a while ago that I gave up work to support him. He earns so much more money than I do that it seemed like a fair deal. Did it work? Did it fuck? He was worse than ever! I didn't last two months at home as he was an absolute pain in the hole (not really his fault, but it is what it is).

Have you thought about getting a job and outsourcing a lot of stuff? I'm back at work now and I'm more tired and the house isn't as clean but I think we're a bit less stressed weirdly. I think it's the extra money which is useful even though we could get by without it and also I think he did start to resent me being at home all day and hogging all the childcare stuff. I don't think that was very reasonable of him at all btw and I was hardly sitting on my arse eating sweeties all day, but it was what happened. Some men love having a partner at home and I'd personally love it if I could earn enough for him to be a house husband as he'd be good at it, but some men don't like it.

I don't know if this advice is relevant to you but your post reminded me of us so thought I'd share.

Original poster
Woodward23 · 01/05/2023 16:25

Also to clear thisup- I do the shopping cleaning,housework, mowing the lawn, admin things, walking the dog ,taking kids to school and activities also aswell as volunteering and caring for our elderly parents. Look after the children at weekends and school holidays I do my share and I give him time by him self also.
I literally just quoted what today consisted
Jesus christ mumsnet is a horrible place at times!

OP posts:
KittyAlfred · 01/05/2023 16:25

Woodward23 · 01/05/2023 16:21

Literally have said twice now I volunteer and care for our elderly parents . I don't spend my days sat on my arse 🙄

Show quote history

Rather than volunteering to help others, would it not be better if you channelled your energy into helping your husband, by doing the tasks like insurance etc?

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 01/05/2023 16:26

@Woodward23 , People do that and work full time. Surely you can plan your day to make sure you have time for all the chores on your to do list

KittyAlfred · 01/05/2023 16:27

Woodward23 · 01/05/2023 16:25

Also to clear thisup- I do the shopping cleaning,housework, mowing the lawn, admin things, walking the dog ,taking kids to school and activities also aswell as volunteering and caring for our elderly parents. Look after the children at weekends and school holidays I do my share and I give him time by him self also.
I literally just quoted what today consisted
Jesus christ mumsnet is a horrible place at times!

Your OP asks how you can help ease his burden.

CindersAgain · 01/05/2023 16:27

If his job is important and stressful, is it not well enough paid to warrant a cleaner and some other help?

If not, then perhaps he’s more stressed than he needs to be. If it’s a private sector job which isn’t well paid then he needs to change either his outlook or his job.

Botw1 · 01/05/2023 16:27

But op you asked for advice on how to help your dh.

His main source of stress is his job.

So you could help him by earning money so he can get a less stressful job

3FriendsAndADog · 01/05/2023 16:31

Woodward23 · 01/05/2023 15:27

Yeah good point i need to belive in my self more that I can do these things by my self that are to do with the house/car
I just weren't sure if we wanted a certain extra hence I was like no I can't do it by my self I need him 🤣

Show quote history

Well I have to say, the first that came to my mind is that you should take on all those admin stuff. It’s not hard and you have more time to research it.

You can’t do anything about his hobby (but then he can also chose to opt out).

Then I think the rest is up to him. He can find another job. Work with a coach on his assertiveness, efficacy at work, team work, whatever is a sticking point for him at work.
As far as I’m concerned, it’s not ok for him to make the stressful and overwhelmed at work feeling your issue to solve.

Shinyandnew1 · 01/05/2023 16:33

Why is Mumsnet being horrible?! You’ve asked for advice about how to ease your husband’s burdens, and that’s what people are giving you!

Have you answered this…? Why can’t you do it?

but there is somethings i cant do like the insurances

What is on his long list of things to do today?

I think her should look for another job-it sounds like he hates this one.

littleburn · 01/05/2023 16:45

In the immediate term:

  • What things are on his 'long list' for today? You say money isn't an issue, so outsource as many things as you can from that list.
  • Quit the volunteering for the Scouts, as it's effectively another admin task for him.
Both of the above will free up more time for relaxing.

In the medium/long term:

  • Have a serious discussion about what career steps you can both take to have more balance. Could he step down in role (and are you both happy with the resultant drop in income and living standards)? And/or could you quit volunteering and pick up a part-time role to help balance the family finances in that situation?
Justhereforthebotox · 01/05/2023 16:58

Op, it sounds like you lack a bit of confidence in yourself? If this is true, and you like your dh to check your decisions, that means he feels he can’t rely on you and that adds massively to his stress levels. I’m sure you work hard and aren’t slacking, but it’s possible that your dh feels that he bears the whole weight of responsibility for the family. You need to take some of that feeling off him, make decisions yourself and let him have some proper, no worry, down time. It’s all a matter of perception and if you start to trust yourself, he’ll trust you too.

riotlady · 01/05/2023 17:19

It sounds like maybe you both need to rethink your volunteering commitments? It’s a fabulous thing to do but it sounds like maybe it’s not the right season of life for you both to be giving so much elsewhere when you’re struggling at home (and looking after elderly parents is already basically personal voluntary work if you see what I mean)

Disneyblueeyes · 01/05/2023 17:35

I love how there's a few comments saying 'people work full time and manage all the house jobs'.

So does that mean being a SAHM is lazy then?

Botw1 · 01/05/2023 17:38

@Disneyblueeyes

Lazy?

Depends

It's certainly less stressful and easier than working full time.

Especially if you have school age kids

IDontWantToBeAPie · 01/05/2023 17:40

Sell the holiday home, he changes jobs, he quits scout. Can't you get a part time job?

Dortmunder · 01/05/2023 17:47

Disneyblueeyes · 01/05/2023 17:35

I love how there's a few comments saying 'people work full time and manage all the house jobs'.

So does that mean being a SAHM is lazy then?

No, I don't think it means that, I think it offers some perspective though.

MrsDeaconClaybourne · 01/05/2023 17:54

I don't think being a SAHM.is lazy at all. I've done every variation from SAHM to part time to full time. I was always busy as a SAHM but you do have the freedom to create your own schedule and get done all the stuff that FT-ers have to fit in here and there. I currently do 20 hours and consider I have quite a bit of free time to keep on top of all the housey mundane stuff and take a bit of the pressure of DH who works longer hours in a more stressful job

Things like insurance I tend to do a gocompare type thing then just share the best 2 or 3 with DH for a second opinion. Once you've done it once it saves all your details for next time.

Shinyandnew1 · 01/05/2023 18:37

Some SAHMs might be lazy-they aren’t one homogenous group! Some will be hard working, others less so-just like everyone else.

If you are a SAHP with school age child though, you do have 25+ more hours in the week whilst they are at school to do some of the things that working people have to squeeze in at evenings/weekends.

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 01/05/2023 20:01

i have no clue what a sahp with school aged kids would do all day

i'm sure loads are gonna tell me now but i think when you have more time in general the effect is you take longer to do things

like buy breakdown cover ....how this is a 2 person job to research and then research and check first persons research i don't know

i could buy breakdown cover in 5 mins s while on mute during a teams call at work but a sahp and a bid deal job man are stressed all weekend with this task? utterly baffled

topcat2014 · 01/05/2023 21:30

@ssleeplessinsouthhampton me too, which is why I wonder if this guy is depressed and therefore losing a bit of perspective

PieMashLiquor · 01/05/2023 21:35

So what answers would you like op

OhwhyOY · 01/05/2023 21:43

OP I agree that it sounds like your husband needs to change job. Could you help him perhaps by discussing that as an option, and as others have said talk about reducing your lifestyle a bit so he can do something else? Or perhaps he enjoys the industry but just not this specific job, so could just look for something similar elsewhere? I also think you should be sorting out the insurance etc, even if you don't know everything do the research and tell him you're planning to go with X but would welcome his opinion on Y if there's a specific thing you aren't sure about. Just be confident, you can do it!