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Original poster

Worried about my husband how cam I ease the burden of life?

77 replies

Woodward23 · 01/05/2023 11:01

My husband works long hours full time 5 days a week doing quite an important role for a food industry. He brings home so much stress on his shoulders his constantly tired, run down and has very little time to do anything.

He often says how his got so much to do no one appreciates the work he does at work and no one helps him. His the only person on the role of work.

We have 2 children under the age of 10 mmand they can both be so very demanding/stressful /typically child behaviour and arguing together and a young playful dog under 1(so its basically like a 3rd child!) We own our home and have no money worries. We have a holiday home also. We do well in regards of our assets.

we will do family time /going out/shopping/holidays at the weekend but theres always something to do. Currently his researching home insurance/ breakdown cover renewal. His a treasurer of the local scout committee which he enjoys but its more pressure to him and he has to do that in what little spare time he gets. The kids do after school activities so there's that to take into account also

I don't work but volunteer and look after my elderly parents and take care of the house so do try to relieve the stress but there is somethings i cant do like the insurances. -weve spoken about me going back to work many times but for our family situation its easier for me not to and his very happy with the arrangement we have also.
His got a long list of things to do today and I often worry about his mental health. His quite emotional at silly things TV adverts /a meme and gets upsets/crys easily.
His had his health checked bloods ect pretty recently and his actually in really good health in that regard his 35 but he wouldn't dream about speaking to anyone about the stress he feels . He said to me- when did life get so stressful and busy all the time. When is the break i feel like I'm just surviving and not living. I wish I could get some time back

Anyway thanks for reading any advice warmly welcome

OP posts:

Original poster

Woodward23 · 01/05/2023 21:57

OhwhyOY · 01/05/2023 21:43

OP I agree that it sounds like your husband needs to change job. Could you help him perhaps by discussing that as an option, and as others have said talk about reducing your lifestyle a bit so he can do something else? Or perhaps he enjoys the industry but just not this specific job, so could just look for something similar elsewhere? I also think you should be sorting out the insurance etc, even if you don't know everything do the research and tell him you're planning to go with X but would welcome his opinion on Y if there's a specific thing you aren't sure about. Just be confident, you can do it!

Thats exactly what i did do re the insurance i think some people have completely misread this and made up their version of it/my life which is far from the truth . Anyway I've got some ideas now

OP posts:

Original poster

Woodward23 · 01/05/2023 21:58

PieMashLiquor · 01/05/2023 21:35

So what answers would you like op

The positive non aggressive not judgemental ones with good ideas that I've already received

OP posts:

Outgrabe · 01/05/2023 22:04

Your husband needs to learn to work more efficiently, and to practise better mental hygiene in terms of managing his work and home life. DH and I both have demanding, non 9 to 5 jobs, his involving large amounts of compulsory travel, are parents, have caring responsibilities to two sets of elderly parents, are managing a big house renovation, and all kinds of ordinary life stuff — it takes discipline to not let one thing swamp the others.

Basilthymerosemary · 01/05/2023 22:22

You just need to put on your big girl pants and get shit done.

Come on OP- you can do it!

Basilthymerosemary · 01/05/2023 22:23

Ps- that is genuine the mantra I say to myself when I have to do things that I find outside my comfort zone.

Shinyandnew1 · 01/05/2023 22:24

Woodward23 · 01/05/2023 21:57

Thats exactly what i did do re the insurance i think some people have completely misread this and made up their version of it/my life which is far from the truth . Anyway I've got some ideas now

Show quote history

But you said this:-

but there is somethings i cant do like the insurances

Posters were asking you what you meant? Why couldn’t you do this?

crumpet · 01/05/2023 22:29

You have no money worries. Get a cleaner so that you can free up time and headspace to help by taking on things like the insurance. You can do the leg
gwrk, find the best 2 options and the. Chat it through with him to check you’re both on the same page before you go ahead and finalise it.

crumpet · 01/05/2023 22:29

*legwork

crumpet · 01/05/2023 22:30

Also get a gardener

MumApril1990 · 01/05/2023 22:36

Why can’t you do the insurance?

Phoebesgift · 01/05/2023 23:04

Stop being a wet blanket. Be an equal partner instead of part of his stress and burden.

camping2023 · 02/05/2023 02:12

Could you do more to actually help him ? Sounds like you have a nice cushy life,pottering around "volunteering" and don't pull your weigh
Poor man

whirlyswirly · 03/05/2023 06:30

I work full time and now have a max 1-2 hours an evening to fit in all the stuff I used to do in a whole day as a Sahm - it is doable, even as a single parent.

I just multi task the shit out of things and make life as simple as possible - everything on direct debit, stuff dealt with early so it doesn't build into a last minute panic etc.

I was clueless when xh and I split. He was a finance professional and did everything. I soon figured it out. Even mowing the lawn. What is now genuinely beyond my capabilities (electrics, plumbing etc) I organise professionals for.

I think if you can do some part time paid work it might bring dividends in terms of boosting your self esteem and giving you the confidence to take on more. Equally, your dh needs to relinquish control of it all a bit - it sounds as though he's being a bit of a martyr to be honest. Long term this will all lead to ill health or resentment if it isn't sorted so I think you are right to prioritise it. Good luck.

coodawoodashooda · 03/05/2023 06:45

My xh was like this. Not saying the same applies to you but in my situation he was a total martyr. You couldn't be grateful enough.

cptartapp · 03/05/2023 06:53

What 'care' are you giving your elderly parents? How are their finances? They should be buying in as much care as they can leaving you free to prioritise and take on more for your own family.
Carers, cleaners, gardeners, taxis, pharmacy delivery, online shopping, local handymen etc. Redirect as much as you can.
Are they aware he's struggling?

Daffodilwoman · 03/05/2023 06:58

You have no money worries and yet your dh is pissing about spending hours searching for the cheapest insurance deals, what for to save £50?
Just renew the insurance and job done.
I also think he should reduce his hours or look for another job.
Pack the scouts in.
You can’t have everything in life. Spending more time at work, having a high powered job =less time with family.
Sorry if that sounds harsh but it’s true.
Can he take a step down at work or look for a less stressful job?

Nutellaonall · 03/05/2023 07:02

You have the luxury of money not time.
so pay for time savers.
I do all of my food shopping on line. It costs more. But it saves me precious hours once you get regular favourites in Your trolley. Get cleaner and a Gardner. Organize these yourself to take the burden away.
Ignore the people being mean. Everyone has different levels of what they can cope with.

crimsonlake · 03/05/2023 07:28

I agree with many other posters, the solution here is for you to take over the load of life's admin. If you were single you would have no choice, you are a capable woman and need to step up in this area. Apart from that it is good to take control and understand joint finances, you never know what the future brings and what lies ahead. Knowledge is good.

piedbeauty · 03/05/2023 07:47

Why don't you get shipping delivered, get a cleaner, and you do the insurance? It saying a comparison site like Go Compare took me about 15 mins last time!! Seems like you're making a big fuss over little things?

Or your h could look for a less stressful job, you could sell the holiday home and live more simply. It sounds like this is what he is telling you he wants to do.

Upsizer · 03/05/2023 07:49

I have been in a similar situation but working, and ended up taking Fridays off to get all chores done so that weekends are JUST for fun. House spotless, everything ready for weekend meals, parents cared for etc - so there is literally nothing DH can do.

You haven’t said what his long list of chores is - but people have tried to ask so they can suggest help with that. But basically do all of those so there is nothing on the list.

piedbeauty · 03/05/2023 07:50

However my life and what I do as I've already mentioned can also be stressful so I don't see why that makes a different working or not

It's completely different! Most people do all that you do plus fit in FT work too. You're very privileged.

Iliketulips · 03/05/2023 08:12

OP, I totally understand you're trying to relieve the pressure on your DH (everyone's mental and physical health is important and it's only natural you want the best for him). When DD was little DH was out of the house travelling and working 7am-6pm (sometimes later), then come home and start studying for a degree and he did one evening voluntary as well. I was the one who was at home full-time. I looked after all DD's needs, did all the housework, cooked tea, washed up (he always made sure he spent time with DD at this point) and what I could physically do in the garden. Funnily enough, I've always taken charge of bills, repairs, changing mortgage but DH has always been happy to deal with the insurances! Having said that, if there are things you can get your head around in retrospect, you could get to a point of say chosing the insurance and asking him to give it quick once over.

Without putting pressure on him, yes leisure time is important. Even if it's a planned walk in the park spending some time at the swings with DC (when DH was doing the above, Saturday afternoons he always wanted as family time). Maybe the odd sort of date night, ie watching a film or a nice meal/snacks after DC have gone to bed - he doesn't have to really do much - he can just enjoy and sit there and relax.

SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge · 03/05/2023 08:44

I think your husband needs to learn to let go. A job that’s making him ill and he’s hanging onto it. For prestige, identity, money? I think that’s the heart of the matter.

otherwayup · 03/05/2023 13:47

piedbeauty · 03/05/2023 07:47

Or your h could look for a less stressful job, you could sell the holiday home and live more simply. It sounds like this is what he is telling you he wants to do.

This.

Sell the holiday home and If you like to do your bit for the community (presumably you do because of the voluntary work) sell it to a local resident who has been priced out of their home town?

I do all of our insurance on go compare. Takes less than an hour to do the lot, house, cars, pets, life insurance etc
You're really both making a huge mountain out of a mole hill!

Many people work while caring for elderly parents, young dc etc You're incredibly privileged and really need to count your blessings.
Both of you sound hard work, life doesn't need to be so complicated.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 03/05/2023 14:17

Use an insurance broker, they do all the filtering etc for you to your brief. The ones who begin with the first letter of the alphabet are excellent, we’ve used them for more than twenty years. You’d speak to a person, not a computer.

can’t you do online shopping and have it all put away and tidy before your DH gets back? Just be a household manager.

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