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Original poster

I've spoilt my only dc and don't know how to unwind it

71 replies

yellowribbony · 30/04/2023 10:11

My dc is 10. They're thoroughly spoilt. Have so many nice things and I've spoilt them off the back of my own terrible upbringing,

But now it's biting me on the backside. I am trying to help them with school work this morning and they're sitting there just moping about saying they want to play, I say yes you can afterwards but we need to get our school work done first. They're just ignoring me and continuing to play.
I then said come on time to get the work done and they've huffed at me and silently slumped into the chair by their desk with massive bottom lip out. I'm here trying to help them and they're just giving me attitude.

I said ok if you don't want me there you can do your work alone but not in a punishment kind of way more of a is that better.
Anyway two minutes later they've written their whole homework which is to write a short story, it's terrible. It's about three lines long and clearly they cba to do it properly

I'm so down. I'm trying to help them and have no idea how to. I feel like I've given them so much and now I just get attitude and sulked at. As if I'm trying to ruin their life. My dh says it's all fine they can just do their hw again tomorrow but I don't think it's ok I get bottom lip treatment I feel like at this age if I don't nip this attitude in the bud im going to really get into trouble during the teen years, any ideas to help me would be greatly appreciated. We have no other family and feel so overwhelmed with this behaviour and worry that we're raising someone who just doesn't care about anything.

OP posts:

purser25 · 30/04/2023 10:22

I might be tempted to get let them into trouble about their homework. It is an idea to get more independent with homework for when they go to secondary school.

coffeeisthebest · 30/04/2023 10:31

That is quite a lot of pressure to put on yourself and your daughter, to decide you have spoilt them and that's why they don't want to do any homework this morning. I would change your view slightly, just accept the homework isn't happening right now but talk to them about when they will do it, and if they outright refuse then explain to them like the above poster said that they will face consequences at school.

Orangebadger · 30/04/2023 10:37

I don't know that you have necessarily spoilt them. 10 is a difficult pre teen age full of attitude and hormones! Also they very much like to feel a bit of control in their life and giving them a bit of that with this may help. My deal with my daughter who is 10, is you need to do your homework today, when are you going to do it? I'm the one saying it has to be done, she chooses when. So after lunch, after play etc. not sure that would work with all kids, but it works with my DD who is full of attitude with a good measure of defiance!

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ApolloandDaphne · 30/04/2023 10:42

I managed this by saying breezily 'That's okay, If you don't want to do your homework i will just pop a note to Miss X and let her know you didn't want to do it'. Worked a treat every time and took the onus off me nagging and put it back onto them.

pictoosh · 30/04/2023 10:46

Sounds like fairly typical 10 yr old behaviour to me.
I wouldn't insist in schoolwork on a Sunday either. Certainly not at 10. Playing is important. That's what free time is for, not more school.

I know it's not a popular opinion as MN is heavy on the schoolophiles but there you have it.

Batalax · 30/04/2023 10:46

I’d be incentivising rather than punishing.

Bright and breezy
“Get you homework done, at least one full page that’s decent and once you’ve done that we’ll bake a cake, you can watch x on tv etc (not financial or gift rewards) Now do you want me to help you or are you doing it yourself.”

If there is attitude then a bright and breezy “oh well, the tv/cake baking will have to wait then” and continue with what you are doing.

If she knows her bottom lip etc antics don’t bother you, there’ll be less point in her continuing.

WheelsUp · 30/04/2023 10:47

At primary age, mine would be embarrassed to hand in something sub par to the teacher so would have rewritten the story to avoid that feeling. I would warn him then let him "get in trouble"

Cooknook · 30/04/2023 10:49

ApolloandDaphne · 30/04/2023 10:42

Yes do this. It doesn't overly sound like spoilt behaviour, many 10 year old are similar.

Floralnomad · 30/04/2023 10:51

I doubt you ‘spoiling’ them and the not wanting to do homework are related . Our eldest always , and I mean right through GCSE / A level , spent more time working out how to do as little work as possible rather than getting on and doing it . If someone said an essay had to be 500 words he write exactly 500 words . He’s turned out to be a very successful adult with a great work ethic .

DucksNewburyport · 30/04/2023 10:52

This sounds like normal pre teen behaviour to me OP. Most of them tend to get a bit of an attitude somewhere between 10 and 13 years old - I don't think it means you've spoilt them, it's just something that happens to their brains around that age! So don't blame yourself. I have 3 (mostly lovely) teens btw.

Personally I'd step back and let them get in trouble for handing in rubbish homework.

Phineyj · 30/04/2023 10:52

I think you are jolly lucky to only be meeting a bit of attitude over schoolwork for the first time aged 10 tbh!

doubleoseven · 30/04/2023 10:54

Overwhelmed because your 10 year old isn't happy about doing school work on a Sunday morning? Yes I think you're going to struggle with the teen years if a bit of huffiness has you overwhlemed.
No 10 year old wants to spend their weekends doing homework. I don't know anyone who makes their kids do this.

TizerorFizz · 30/04/2023 10:56

I was lucky with DD1. Homework rarely set at her primary school. DD2 had to do some but she always got it done quite happily. If there was any issue, we pointed Dd in the right direction and helped a bit. We didn’t do the work. You might need to find out how they are doing at school because this attitude is probably reserved for you. As a parent, do not expect gratitude.

I would not say my DDs went without anything. They seemed happy to do homework when required which was fitted in around activities after school. Therefore it’s not what they have, it is probably more about defying you. So maybe you need to talk to them about what will happen at secondary when there is more homework and consequences. How well are they doing at school? You won’t find they get very far without effort and this needs to be explained to them.

Maybe ask if this story is necessary snd actually find out what happens if they won’t or do not do it. What is the school’s homework policy? Always negotiate from a position of strength and with knowledge. Why not take them out after they have completed it? Find a carrot to offer.

I think you will need a routine at secondary and be prepared to get tough if they continue to behave like this.

TizerorFizz · 30/04/2023 10:57

@doubleoseven
Hmm. We did. Got it out of the way. I know loads of parents who did this. It was not onerous though.

Ozgirl75 · 30/04/2023 11:02

I have a 10 yo and a 12 yo and to be honest, I just leave their homework to them. If it isn’t good enough then the teacher will make that clear. I will remind them to check if they have homework, and I might look through it and say something constructive like “you have some lovely ideas, I reckon you could add to what you’ve written here to make it even more interesting” but basically, apart from reminding them to actually do the homework, it’s up to them.
My 12 year old recently didn’t do particularly well on an end of unit test, and I just said, why do you think that was? What could you have done differently? (In a nice way!) and we went through some things like understanding exactly what the question is asking, putting all the information in, writing clearly etc.
OTOH my 10 year old also had an end of unit test that he’d asked for my help revising for, so I asked him a few questions, made sure he understood it, and he was really pleased to get 90% and so I was able to say “it feels really great to do well when you’ve worked hard towards it”.
Im very conscious of not spoon feeding or pushing them as I feel like the motivation for work has to come from themselves and not from me.

tailinthejam · 30/04/2023 11:04

purser25 · 30/04/2023 10:22

I might be tempted to get let them into trouble about their homework. It is an idea to get more independent with homework for when they go to secondary school.

Completely agree with this. Let your dc hand in rubbish homework, and face the consequences.

It is time to step away from direct involvement in homework. Tell them that they are growing up and because they are capable of doing it all by themselves now, they don't need you to supervise any more. Say you can offer help if they ask you for it, but otherwise you will leave them alone to get on with it.

Botw1 · 30/04/2023 11:12

Seems a bit of an over reaction on your part to a petted lip.

If they want to hand in shit work that's on them, they'll need to deal with the consequences. Pick a better time in future to make sure home work is done

If you think you're spoiling them, then address that. Stop buying them stuff. Try to teach them the value of things

Watchthedoormat · 30/04/2023 11:13

They will know it's not up to standard and will not want to hand in three lines and will very likely do it again if you don't mention it.
Go on about it and it will just cause angst and will make them less likely to do it.
Act like you're not so invested and I really believe the homework will be done to a better standard by the end of the day.

Sundaefraise · 30/04/2023 11:17

Breathe. This is normal. It may be that they’re not in the right frame of mind. Have a conversation - ‘you need to do your homework - let’s schedule a time’. Get them to agree. It sounds like you’re trying to run show and it’s much easier if they feel they’ve got some buy- in.

Whochangedmynamec · 30/04/2023 11:19

Easy way to do it- hire tutors, take them to Kumon etc

Hard way, let them watch yourtube videos, play a game of writing stories, put up story ideas, let them choose several and bring them together to make a story with lots of fun, laughter and praise. Offer a reward and ignore sulks etc

Lemondrizzlerain · 30/04/2023 11:20

They're all gits at 10!

Yesterday I told mine to go into his bedroom, turn around and look at every nicely painted wall (his fave colours), every toy, every poster and every book.

Then reminded him I didn't have a bedroom, I barely had toys, deffo no posters and I had no books.

It was a very gentle way to remind him he's lucky to have what he has because many don't (like me when I was 10!)

namechange3394 · 30/04/2023 11:20

doubleoseven · 30/04/2023 10:54

You don't know anyone who makes their kids do homework?

Flowertight · 30/04/2023 11:22

How have they been spoilt? Do you mean you’ve been lax parents as that’s a different thing. And also what does being an only child have to do with price of fish!

Nimbostratus100 · 30/04/2023 11:23

I dont think they are necessarily spoilt, just that you need to be stricter. Bottom lip and huffiness is not an acceptable way to speak to a parent, not doing what they are told is not acceptable. You need to enforce some rules and consequences.

TheSnowyOwl · 30/04/2023 11:24

Give them a set time to do the homework by. After that they can play or watch tv; whatever they want to do. If they don't they make sure they are aware you will let their teacher know they refused and there won't be any play or tv.

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