I've spoilt my only dc and don't know how to unwind it

[yellowribbony]

My dc is 10. They're thoroughly spoilt. Have so many nice things and I've spoilt them off the back of my own terrible upbringing,

But now it's biting me on the backside. I am trying to help them with school work this morning and they're sitting there just moping about saying they want to play, I say yes you can afterwards but we need to get our school work done first. They're just ignoring me and continuing to play.
I then said come on time to get the work done and they've huffed at me and silently slumped into the chair by their desk with massive bottom lip out. I'm here trying to help them and they're just giving me attitude.

I said ok if you don't want me there you can do your work alone but not in a punishment kind of way more of a is that better.
Anyway two minutes later they've written their whole homework which is to write a short story, it's terrible. It's about three lines long and clearly they cba to do it properly

I'm so down. I'm trying to help them and have no idea how to. I feel like I've given them so much and now I just get attitude and sulked at. As if I'm trying to ruin their life. My dh says it's all fine they can just do their hw again tomorrow but I don't think it's ok I get bottom lip treatment I feel like at this age if I don't nip this attitude in the bud im going to really get into trouble during the teen years, any ideas to help me would be greatly appreciated. We have no other family and feel so overwhelmed with this behaviour and worry that we're raising someone who just doesn't care about anything.

Thanks for these replies. I am reading through them. Me and dh have no role models as parents. We are always winging it and feel helpless when things don't go to plan. It's just the three of us. I think that I need to understand a bit more about the different ages and what's normal/what's not because perhaps this is down to hormones.

Dc has been quite defiant recently and I've struggled to manage the refusal to do things. We've also had refusal to do some chores and also deliberately dragging their feet like getting ready to go out they'll deliberately take their time getting dressed if they don't want ti go even if it's a a club they attend so I end up dragging them to something they usually want to do and all feels so silly, I'm finding it so tiring and frustrating that I'm probably not the best mum right now either.
The way dc said to me this morning I'm not doing my hw today just got me and just got me, but at the same time it's good to know perhaps it's normal and I haven't necessarily spoilt them

Allow your child to face the consequences of their choices.

We can't really tell whether your DD is spoilt just from what you've told us.

Ah op, try not to worry, this behaviour is so normal! I never made mine do any homework - if they didn't do it, they are the ones who have to explain to the teacher why. Let them deal with the natural consequences of their own actions (or inaction!) and that's the best way for them to learn.

Yes I'm going to let them hand the hw in and not say anything now because I think that's probably going to work more than anything I say rn

We've also had refusal to do some chores and also deliberately dragging their feet like getting ready to go out they'll deliberately take their time getting dressed if they don't want to go even if it's a a club they attend so I end up dragging them to something they usually want to do and all feels so silly

Seriously, if you are only experiencing this now you have been doing something very right. DS(8) and most of his friends have been pulling these shenanigans all day every day since they could say "I don't want to".

I would let them hand it in, possibly tell the teacher that they had the opportunity to do more but chose not to.

Even if you’ve spoilt DC so far - and it doesn’t sound like you have - there’s still plenty of time to sort that out with good strategies that don’t resort to battle of wills type stuff.

Also ‘spoiling’ kids means different things to different people. If it’s mainly material stuff that can be dialled back, good idea to do that before teen years (for their values, but also your bank balance). But my DM had a total bee in her bonnet about my kids being ‘spoilt’. And she didn’t mean in a material way. Just not using shame as a constant weapon (like she did) to make them think they were bad, was enough to make them spoilt, as she saw it.

And for my DGM, putting my baby to the breast within the hour was enough to indicate I was spoiling her!!

Have you tried asking them what they think their teacher will think of their work? If they say she'll think it's fine then leave them to it, if they feel maybe they could do better then give them the chance to do it again with your help.

With you as their scribe start with brain storming ideas, get them to then think about and extend a couple of possibilities, then choose one and get them to outline paragraphs, thinking about interesting openings and starting every sentence with a different word. Challenge them to get 5 really good descriptive words in there - extra points for a metaphor or simile.

With you scribing the planning process they are learning the process and the sorts of things they need to think about when writing a story - but it's much quicker and easier because they can just verbalise it rather than having to write it all out. Giving them that structure makes the writing so much easier. Tell them for their GCSE exams they will have to do exactly this sort of thing so it's great to be practicing now - this is part of Eng lang GCSE and that and maths are the two that everyone really need to get.

deliberately take their time getting dressed if they don't want ti go even if it's a a club they attend so I end up dragging them to something they usually want to do

I'd be inclined to say brightly if you don't want to go we won't go - and mean it. No giving in to DC whinging now that they can't go. 'No, it's past the time we needed to leave and you're not ready.' Natural consequences.

This all sounds massively normal, and all parents wing it. The best thing to do is keep calm and let natural consequences happen. So homework not done = consequence at school. Carry it through into secondary where they tend to get tough, your DC will soon learn. Chores not done? Fun things don't happen. Dragging feet getting ready for clubs etc? Set a deadline, beyond that don't go. Inform DC calmly that if it keeps happening, club will get canceled. Follow through. But the key thing is to do all of this in a calm way. Hard, but it works. You've done nothing wrong.

Problem with this is that you’ve often paid in advance. Also it gives the message that if you can’t be bothered to do something, you can just give it up with no consequences. If mine were regularly saying they didn’t want to do a thing (like my son with violin) I said that as the term was paid for he had to do it, but he could stop after that if he really wanted to (which he did).
We do have to encourage them a bit, whilst balancing that with natural consequences. So with homework I would encourage them to do it, but if it was trash then the consequence would come from the low mark. If they’re dragging feet over a thing they normally enjoy, why? Is it because they’re on a screen, or because they’re engrossed in another activity and maybe they don’t have enough down time to just relax?
My two play a sport and sometimes they’re a bit “meh” about going but I know they’ll like it once they’re there. Equally sometimes in the holidays I’m guilty of over scheduling them and when they’re dragging their feet over what I perceive to be a fun day out, I know it’s time to let them just relax at home.

It's definitely more of a 'meh' thing that once they're there they're fine. Just getting them there is a massive event sometimes. Also yes all the clubs are paid for in advance so I'd rather not waste too many activities to these little displays if I don't want to.
Dc has decided that they will be leaving their hw as is. So will await the feedback on it from the teacher. I am most definitely more anxious than my dc about it all...

sure, dump it all on the teachers - homework happens at home under parental juristriction

I get that someone with DD about various things. It's not because she's spoilt, it's because she's 10 and sometimes can be a bit of a dick. Plus homework, chores etc. are boring.

She has 3 options when it's homework time:

1.does it with my help. But I do help, so for a story I'd ask oh what will you wrote about, what character will you have, what will happen , how should you start etc. so she actually has some ideas. She really struggles with creative writing.

1. does it by herself. That state of it or any consequences are not my problem.

3.doesn't do it. Any consequences at school are not my problem.

No argument , no fussing. Funnily enough, 99% of the time she picks option 1.

Putting my armchair psychologist hat on, you mention being anxious about what the teacher will think. Do you worry about that a lot? About what other people will think? Since you had no good parenting role models do you worry people won't think you are a good parent? Do you doubt that too? Do you sometimes maybe put too much pressure on yourself and possibly your daughter because of that? Like you have something to prove?

The child is 10! Surely by that age they’re supposed to take responsibility for their own homework, good or bad. Personally I think homework at primary is a total waste of time most of the time anyway, but if teachers insist on setting it, then they have to accept that not all parents will be teaching the child at home.

parents arent expected to teach their children the homework, they are just expected to make sure the children do it

If it helps - at 10 my dc1 was like this about homework, but at secondary, the conversation was had with them at school about the importance of homework and failure to hand something in on time will result in loss of lunchtime or keeping them in after school, so they have never failed to hand something in on time yet (year 8).

at primary there’s not much incentive for doing homework, they are rarely in trouble for not doing it and by 10 the reward of having your homework shown to the class/praised its working as well.

This child has done it though - just not to the standard that the parent thinks is good enough. But it’s not really up to the parent to cajole - if they don’t do it, presumably the teacher has some kind of sanction from a telling off to getting the child to stay in and do it at break.

For the clubs, they are old enough to understand these things so after the end of the club, getting in the car to go home ask if they enjoyed it. If they say yes/talk about how good it was etc say that you are glad, so why were they being difficult about getting ready? Ask if they’d like to give up the place next term. (Always ask this after they’ve just had the club and enjoyed it!). If it’s a no to giving up the place, say you won’t force them to go, but you’ll tolerate a maximum 2 sessions missed for reasons others than them being sick /can’t go, and then you’ll just give up the place next term.

I quite often tell my ds(9) that he's more than welcome to not do his homework. He can explain to his teacher why it isn't done when he gets to school. He's never not handed in his work. On the odd occasion this has resulted in shoddy work, I just send him in with it.

But none of this is easy for me. I have an inner swat that wants nothing more than to sit over him and micromanage the work so that end result reflects his capability. It's a much more frustrating experience than dealing with my older two - who, if not more eager, were at least far less resentful of the intrusion of school work at home at his age.