Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I've spoilt my only dc and don't know how to unwind it

71 replies

yellowribbony · 30/04/2023 10:11

My dc is 10. They're thoroughly spoilt. Have so many nice things and I've spoilt them off the back of my own terrible upbringing,

But now it's biting me on the backside. I am trying to help them with school work this morning and they're sitting there just moping about saying they want to play, I say yes you can afterwards but we need to get our school work done first. They're just ignoring me and continuing to play.
I then said come on time to get the work done and they've huffed at me and silently slumped into the chair by their desk with massive bottom lip out. I'm here trying to help them and they're just giving me attitude.

I said ok if you don't want me there you can do your work alone but not in a punishment kind of way more of a is that better.
Anyway two minutes later they've written their whole homework which is to write a short story, it's terrible. It's about three lines long and clearly they cba to do it properly

I'm so down. I'm trying to help them and have no idea how to. I feel like I've given them so much and now I just get attitude and sulked at. As if I'm trying to ruin their life. My dh says it's all fine they can just do their hw again tomorrow but I don't think it's ok I get bottom lip treatment I feel like at this age if I don't nip this attitude in the bud im going to really get into trouble during the teen years, any ideas to help me would be greatly appreciated. We have no other family and feel so overwhelmed with this behaviour and worry that we're raising someone who just doesn't care about anything.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/04/2023 11:25

It all sounds like normal behaviour tbh, I am wondering if your DC has been unusually compliant up to this point, that you are even worried by this?

I go for "Well ok, it's not my job to get your homework done. If you aren't going to make an effort I will let [teacher] know you chose not to, and she can discuss that with you." In practice this means DS would lose his playtime and be stuck in "Homework Club" instead, which genuinely is his choice to make. Nothing to do with being spoilt though.

Justmuddlingalong · 30/04/2023 11:30

All sounds normal for a 10 year old.
But, please don't use the threat of a note to the teacher to deal with difficulties at home.

Cooknook · 30/04/2023 11:36

Justmuddlingalong · 30/04/2023 11:30

All sounds normal for a 10 year old.
But, please don't use the threat of a note to the teacher to deal with difficulties at home.

It's not to sort difficulties at home though is it, its to explain why the homework hasn't been done and to show that as a parent you've engaged and tried to encourage your child to complete it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Batalax · 30/04/2023 11:40

But sometimes kids have to do things they don’t want to do. Homework is one of those times.
No point getting into a battle about it but the op need to develop strategies to enforce non negotiables like toothbrushing and homework.

VirginiaQ · 30/04/2023 11:47

ApolloandDaphne · 30/04/2023 10:42

I managed this by saying breezily 'That's okay, If you don't want to do your homework i will just pop a note to Miss X and let her know you didn't want to do it'. Worked a treat every time and took the onus off me nagging and put it back onto them.

Yes this. I used to say, 'It's ok if you don't want to do it. Just tell Mrs X tomorrow that you didn't want to do it. I'm sure she'll be fine about it'. Worked every single time and through the teenage years did homework without prompting.

Justmuddlingalong · 30/04/2023 11:50

I'd contact the teacher directly. I think by telling DC what you're doing to deal with the lack of input with homework, is highlighting that things are out of your control and that you're having to pass the buck became you feel at a loss.
We often feel that we're out of ideas and don't know how to deal with certain aspects of parenting, but by letting our DC know that, gives them more ammunition when kicking back against us.

Bunnichick · 30/04/2023 11:52

What do you think you have done that would have spoiled them?

All children are like this sometimes

itsgettingweird · 30/04/2023 11:54

Don't have the battle about school work at home.

If she's not engaging because she's acting up then speak to the teacher and say you are trying but get attitude. Tell the teacher you support any consequence she gets in school for not completing it or completing it badly. (Usually loss of golden time or whatever).

But ultimately homework is one of those things they have to learn to do independently to a good standard to achieve what they want to achieve.

Orangebadger · 30/04/2023 11:56

Lemondrizzlerain · 30/04/2023 11:20

They're all gits at 10!

Yesterday I told mine to go into his bedroom, turn around and look at every nicely painted wall (his fave colours), every toy, every poster and every book.

Then reminded him I didn't have a bedroom, I barely had toys, deffo no posters and I had no books.

It was a very gentle way to remind him he's lucky to have what he has because many don't (like me when I was 10!)

I agree that at 10 they can be gits!

But telling your son of all you never had is not gentle it actually very toxic.

Botw1 · 30/04/2023 11:59

@Justmuddlingalong

Allowing a child to face the consequences of not doing work the teacher has set is not showing you have lost control.

Don't be ridiculous.

I dont ask the teacher to give my kid homework. I dont even agree with it. I'm not wasting my time battling with them to force them to do it.

Asking them to do something I want or need them to do is a different story.

Flowertight · 30/04/2023 12:00

*Yesterday I told mine to go into his bedroom, turn around and look at every nicely painted wall (his fave colours), every toy, every poster and every book.

Then reminded him I didn't have a bedroom, I barely had toys, deffo no posters and I had no books.

It was a very gentle way to remind him he's lucky to have what he has because many don't (like me when I was 10!)*

agree, this is very toxic behaviour and totally inappropriate

Justmuddlingalong · 30/04/2023 12:10

@Botw1 That's not what I said.
If you're going to let the teacher know that your having trouble getting DC to do homework, you take it up directly with the teacher.
You don't give the teacher something else to deal with that's happening on your watch.
You don't pass the responsibility of negotiating with a 10 year old onto the school.
You deal with it at home, with support from the teacher, you let DC face consequences for not doing homework properly, but you never give them the impression that their behaviour has you at a loss.
10 is too young to have already sussed that your DParents don't know everything.

Botw1 · 30/04/2023 12:13

@Justmuddlingalong

Telling kids to face the consequences of their actions isn't the parent being at a loss.

It's not a loss. It's a consequence

And I dont really care if the teacher gets more work. That's their consequence for setting pointless homework

Botw1 · 30/04/2023 12:15

Oh and I've never tried to make my kids think I know everything

Thats odd

Batalax · 30/04/2023 12:16

Do you really feel that the teacher has time to deal with lack of homework from so many kids? And whilst this approach may work for some kids, others will just continue into secondary school with this same “I don’t need to do it”attitude.
Honework shouldn’t be a battle. But it should be a non negotiable to complete it if it is given and it should be enforced to get them into good habits for secondary school. It’s not the same as pressurising kids to revise and hovering over them to get top marks, which is obviously bad for their mental health and a different issue.

I don’t actually agree that there should be much at primary other than basic reading and spelling, but if the school policy is to give it, then you should be supportive, rather than passing the buck back to the teacher. There is too much passing the buck as far is school is concerned especially as far as behaviour is concerned,

DappledThings · 30/04/2023 12:19

Agree with others that buying a child too many presents is unlikely to be related to a bit of homework related at stroppiness.

But I don't understand the need to write the OP in this clunky and unnatural gender-neutral way. Why go to so much effort to not just say he or she? Distracts from the point of it.

Flowertight · 30/04/2023 12:20

Homework shouldn’t be a battle. But it should be a non negotiable to complete it if it is given and it should be enforced to get them into good habits for secondary school

Hard disagree. I’m absolutely not going to force my 7yr old to do homework, make a battle out of it and start a dislike for learning when she loves it at the moment. If a teacher doesn’t like it they can speak to me and I’ll calmly explain that.

Justmuddlingalong · 30/04/2023 12:22

@Botw1 Neither have I.
What a bizarre thing to think anyone would say
I have no problem with DC getting homework, whereas you do, so we'll never agree.
Enjoy your bank holiday weekend.

Botw1 · 30/04/2023 12:25

@Justmuddlingalong

I dont have a problem getting my kids to do homework

The op does

It is possible to give advice without being in the same situation

Saying 10 is too young for kids to know your parent doesn't know everything absolutely insinuates you've tried take them think you know everything

dameofdilemma · 30/04/2023 12:27

Firstly OP being an only child isn’t relevant. Plenty of kids with siblings behave like this and worse.

The homework issue is tricky. In theory you’d let them hand in poor work but the reality is that some 10 yr olds don’t really understand or care about the consequences. By the time it hits them they may have fallen far behind and then struggle for a long time.

That’s why lots of parents do help their kids with homework and why for older kids there’s a thriving tutor market. To suggest just leave kids to it is a bit simplistic.

2userspast3 · 30/04/2023 12:28

Can you have a discussion with them and agree on set times of the week when they'll do homework? Including a catch-up time at the weekend for anything they haven't finished. And I'd tackle the spoiling issue by gradually changing the way you treat them, so it doesn't come as a big shock. If you need to explain it, then explain that they're not a young child anymore, you're helping them become more independent, etc.

Dressingdown78 · 30/04/2023 12:31

As the mum to an only child please don't buy into the 'spoilt only' stereotype. Most kids go through horrible, ungrateful, mopey phases especially when hormones are kicking in.

Just let it go, give them space, let them hand in the rubbish homework.

Batalax · 30/04/2023 12:31

I agree forcing is pointless, hence it shouldn’t be a battle, but you can develop strategies to encourage, incentivise( not with financials or gifts) and a bit of humour. There isn’t anything wrong with bright and breezily saying that they can play or watch tv when it’s done. It only gets into a battle if you let it get to you and argue. Just stand firm and be bright and breezy about it. Once a child knows the boundaries and that homework is non negotiable, there are no fights. There will be plenty of those moments over the years, over many things. It’s actually much easier setting that boundary at 7 rather than 14.

DarkVelvetySilkyShiraz · 30/04/2023 13:11

Well my dc are absolutely not spoilt!

They are also both hard workers, one natural and the other has taken time snd lots of positive reinforcement to get to that underlying motivation!

but even then there are many times when the doesn't want go work.

I mean it's not fun is it. If someone said right... Do that ironing pile right now id feel bad about it.

So I think you need to recognise that choosing the right time is first helpful. Then you need to make it fun or give a reward when it's done.

Nothing you have said however sounds like a spoilt child.

Just a very normal ten year old white doesn't want to do boring school work 😁

DarkVelvetySilkyShiraz · 30/04/2023 13:13

And yes if he's is genuinely struggling over all then think about a tutor.

They are bloody brilliant!!