IVF parents, will you tell your child(ren) They're IVF?

[MadeWithLoveAndALittleBitOfScience]

Just that really! I know some people have mixed views on the ethics of IVF and I know nobody has the given rights to have a child.

I had a very rare and aggressive type of cancer a few years ago. I still have the cancer and always will as it's not a cancer that can ever go into full remission. But after gruelling surgeries and extensive chemo and nearly dying, I'm here to tell the tale. I'm NED and long May that continue. But it'll always be in my body, just hoping it stays quiet and doesn't rear it's ugly head again.

The chemotherapy destroyed my chances of naturally conceiving (destroyed a large number of my eggs) so we had to go through IVF to select the good eggs. We were lucky enough to have 6 embryos. 5 in the freezer, and one currently sat in front of me. She is biologically ours, and she is the centre of my world. I think age is on my side. I'm still in my twenties.

There's my little life story and reasoning to get IVF. This was after my cancer treatment as I didn't have time to freeze my eggs. The cancer is too aggressive.

If you have IVF child(ren) are you planning on telling them, and if so, how?
We don't want to make it a big deal but we would like to tell DD how we had her, and any subsequent children should we decide to try for number 2. DD is only 2 just now, so we're a while off.

Just looking for thoughts and experiences!
Thank you.

I think if you’ve used your own/partners egg and sperm, it’s not really important to tell your children but I don’t see why you wouldn’t.

Donor eggs and sperm are very different. I have relatives who used donor eggs and the kids have really struggled to cope with it.

Sorry didn’t mean to quote that poster. 😬

I'll be telling my two youngest. Eldest was conceived naturally, the other two were from the same batch of embryos, youngest was frozen for 3 years. I've told the eldest that we needed the help of scientists to have her siblings, and I'll make sure the others know. It's somehow important to our family story, how hard we worked for them and what we went through i guess.

Yes sorry, when I said about IVF I meant with the parents own eggs and sperm. I fully see why there is a major discussion issue in a situation with donors. I’ve never thought it an issue with IVF when nothing is donated as I couldn’t see it likely that a child would be upset or affected emotionally. Where there’s a donor issue it’s different.

I’m so sorry. I wonder if he associates them with the trauma you encountered trying to have them? I hope their relationship improves in the future.

@Coffeeandbourbons
" have to be honest and say I’m baffled anybody donates egg/sperm. In a way it would be more understandable if it was financially compensated, but in the same way I wouldn’t hand a baby to somebody I didn’t know, I couldn’t give them the building blocks for one either - they could be anyone and I would constantly wonder if the baby was mistreated.

That said I think it comes from the fact I do know of a donor conceived baby that was severely mistreated so I probably have a skewed view on the matter 😢"

Absolutely no financial interest at all. I never have and never will view donating my eggs as giving away a child!
In my view it's like when I donate blood, I had something that someone else needed, I certainly did not make a child, I just added a bit of an ingredient to the full recipe, so to speak

Yes, I told them when they first asked about how babies are born. I had to tell them again as they forgot though!

Ditto. It's (one of the) reasons we broke up. ExH totally failed to cope with the news we needed icsi due to MF fertility problems. No counselling was offered by the NHS clinic & we are rural & could not access specialist counselling locally. Whe DS was born exH said he 'didn't feel like his'. Didn't bond. Thought there might have been a mix up at the clinic. Eventually, after 6m of this I told him to arrange a DNA test (or shut up). He didn't. We decided to try for a sibling. At 20 wks pg he told me he'd changed his mind & wanted me to have a termination. I declined. He wasn't at the birth. We staggered on. We had 5 frozen embryos. I later wanted to use them. Happy to do so solo. He refused & eventually rhe clinic destroyed them (10 years later). I V F can be emotionally complex, even when it's own genetic material & even when it works.

We were male factor and did tell children and others, something my DH was fine with but my Mum had a massive go at me for and some others made comments that I should not ever tell people like there was a massive stigma to it. It seemed fine for people to wrongly assume it was my issue but not be educated on the reality of infertility that its 50/50 not all female. But without it being in the open how will these attitudes every improve. My DH I think just saw it like an illness that would get treated. I'ld had MIL imply it was my age at 31!!

@medianewbie

I'm so sorry you experienced this too

I know lots of IVF parents and have never come across this before - a parent regretting it had worked and admitting a lack of feeling towards their biological children purely because they weren't conceived naturally

Very very similar in terms of my ex husband and my boy twin. A lot of his resentment centred on him and ex said he didn't feel like he was his son. And so I wonder if it's a father / son thing in particular. His treatment of our girl twin wasn't nearly as bad. I wonder if I had had girls only from IVF would I be in this situation now? I don't think so.

Its funny though isn't it - all the checks and paperwork and cross checks and checks again you have to go through at each stager of IVF to ensure no "mix ups" - Statistically surely they are more likely to be the father than naturally conceived children since they just have the mothers word for it that they haven't cheated

@Silkierabbit @isisthistheendtakeabreath

Re 'societal experience' yes, I also experienced 'must pretend it's a female issue to prevent hurt to male feelings' both myself & 2 other people in an unofficial ivf support group set up. I remember speaking to a German woman who was astonished her British peers were having to deal either this, as well as rhe actual medical issues.

@Silkierabbit @isisthistheendtakeabreath
My exH was a very proud (& 1950's, it turns out) person. It really upset him that he couldn't get his wife pregnant in our own bed, needed the indignity of strangers, paper cups, sperm counts etc. There should have been specific counselling available to him really.

BUT it was his choice in a way as I would have been just as happy to adopt. The vast majority of the burden of repeated treatment falls on the female body trying to get pregnant.

It wasn't easy. I got OHSS. I then ended up with long term life changing health problems as a result of IVF. Both my young people have Autism so I'm a Carer. It's enormously hard as a single parent. For the sake of harmony I agreed not to 'tell the children' until they were older, which I regret. My son (whom the mf issues may affect when he is older) was fine but I need to tell my Dd this summer too. Without over emphasising it, I will make sure they have access to Counselling to process any of this if they wish.

BUT, against the odds & thanks to some pretty amazing science, I ended up with 2 beautiful children so consider myself VERY fortunate.

We have two ICSI children, both from the same 'batch' and our children have been told from the first time conversations were had about babies being in tummies.
We have also always told them that DC2 was 'in the freezer' when they ask where he was when DC1 was born. There are pictures of DC1 seeing DC2 after just being born and they asked the other way round. We said he was 'in the freezer' and he laughed. He thought he was nuzzled between the frozen chips and peas, I think. We have since explained it was a special freezer but I think he enjoys the idea of being like Evil Pea from Supertato a little bit more. 🤣

@Hopeful16 Love your little DS Superpea just waiting on ice! My own DS is outraged he wasn’t at our wedding. Some 10 years before he was born!

DS2 was conceived whilst covid restrictions were still in place at the hospital so DH couldn’t come to the transfer. He wasn’t even in the same country! I’m sure that will be pleasing to DS2 as a teenager!

DS1 will need IVF if he wants to have children due to his condition so I’m keen to normalise
it and we’ve saved some his DLA for him
in case he does want more than the NHS would fund.

@DianaBlythe timescales don't seem to figure out to them, do they!?!?

Our thoughts are that the more we talk about it then it's just our normal - which it is. Our normal is that we wouldn't have them without the ICSI and we love them SO much.

I plan on telling ds. Just chatted with partner about it and he feels the same. Pretty sure ds's notes say he was conceived through icsi.

I think I told dd1 at 14 and dd2 at 16. Quite late and dd2 said 'how did I not know this earlier'. I did frame the whole thing as evidence how much they were wanted, especially important as (now ex) dh and I are divorced and he hardly makes an effort these days with them 😥

Oh that's interesting, I never even thought to suggest that DH came along to the transfer part. He was there at the egg retrieval but off in the private room doing his thing so that the sperm was ready and waiting (I'm not sure DS will love that part of the story if he ever learns the specific details).

Possibly DH came to the first transfer for our round that failed, I can't remember to be honest. I remember the second (ultimately successful) transfer being a real non-event- I nipped out of work, they put them in, I went back to work and went to meet some clients in the afternoon. My main memory is that it was December and the theatre nurse was wearing dangly light-up Christmas tree earrings. My test date was Christmas Day!

Mines always known- we started reading a book called 'The Pea that was Me' when she was tiny and took it from there

Glad you got your children Medianewbie My DS, the non-IVF one, has autism and he is wonderful but has needed a lot of support through things.

@ChocChipHandbag I must admit that I thought DH being there for the transfer would be 'notable' or emotional in some way- it wasn't at all but I'm glad he was there all the same.

A little bit like me finding out I was pregnant with DC2. I need some more hormone drugs and was asking if I should get them or not (did I need to spend/ waste the money) and the clinical receptionist was telling me that she couldn't tell me the results of my pregnancy blood test as she wasn't medical. I was getting frustrated at wasting 'more' money if it was a negative test and she gently said, "I'd get them if I were you". And that is how I found out I was pregnant with DC2. 🤣

Assuming this was in the UK, the HFEA can tell you whether any child(ren) were born as a result of your donation, if that's something you'd like to know. No identifying details, obviously, but I think sex, and year of birth.

It had never crossed my mind until I saw your thread, but yes absolutely. We've been really open about our IVF journey with friends, and after having success we've also been totally open about it on social media etc so it would be weird if she didn't know.

She's only a baby now so will have to think about how to tell her, some good inspiration from PP.

I think it's so important we are open about infertility as it can be so isolating but is incredibly common.

We have one naturally conceived DS and I’m pregnant with our DD who was conceived from IVF. We are planning not to tell them until they are in their twenties. I want to tell them and advise them then to freeze their eggs/sperm.

The reason we won’t say anything is for the same reasons as @WhyDoesItAlways

In our own minds, we know IVF is a miraculous scientific helping hand for infertility, but I’m also aware there are people around who don’t get it and more than that, morally oppose it…As much as I’d love to help change their feelings and thoughts, I think some people are stuck in this thinking no matter what you do and my only real concern is to protect my child. I would never want these awful feelings to rub off on her and for her to be exposed to ridiculous comments in the playground.