IVF parents, will you tell your child(ren) They're IVF?

[MadeWithLoveAndALittleBitOfScience]

Just that really! I know some people have mixed views on the ethics of IVF and I know nobody has the given rights to have a child.

I had a very rare and aggressive type of cancer a few years ago. I still have the cancer and always will as it's not a cancer that can ever go into full remission. But after gruelling surgeries and extensive chemo and nearly dying, I'm here to tell the tale. I'm NED and long May that continue. But it'll always be in my body, just hoping it stays quiet and doesn't rear it's ugly head again.

The chemotherapy destroyed my chances of naturally conceiving (destroyed a large number of my eggs) so we had to go through IVF to select the good eggs. We were lucky enough to have 6 embryos. 5 in the freezer, and one currently sat in front of me. She is biologically ours, and she is the centre of my world. I think age is on my side. I'm still in my twenties.

There's my little life story and reasoning to get IVF. This was after my cancer treatment as I didn't have time to freeze my eggs. The cancer is too aggressive.

If you have IVF child(ren) are you planning on telling them, and if so, how?
We don't want to make it a big deal but we would like to tell DD how we had her, and any subsequent children should we decide to try for number 2. DD is only 2 just now, so we're a while off.

Just looking for thoughts and experiences!
Thank you.

No, I don’t feel the need to harp on about how DD was conceived, whether that was in a petri dish vs the conventional way. Does/will the knowledge enrich her life? Probably not.

Hmmmm -

Me and Daddy were so desperate for a baby that we were willing to undergo emotionally and physically unpleasant and very very expensive medical treatment in order to get you.

Vs

Me and Daddy were on a very expensive holiday in the Maldives, got drunk on cocktails, got turned on in the jacuzzi and shagged each other senseless.

Your story is so much more appropriate to share than mine!

Ha ha that's funny. We had ours at Guy's too, I am in that area a lot and I have often looked up to the 11th floor and it blows my mind that DS was made in a lab up there in that ugly building.

As an aside, I thought they were great during the process (2 rounds for us) but I was quite surprised that when I emailed them on the central email I had used for all my appointments with news of DS' safe arrival I didn't even get a reply. Are they like that with everyone?

To answer the question, DS is 6 and doesn't know about sex yet, I might possibly have mentioned in passing that sometimes doctors help people to have babies but he doesn't yet know that we needed help. I imagine it will come up naturally at some point, I've never thought about it as a big deal, partly because I know so many others who had it. I used to joke to DH that if DS was misbehaving as a teen I'd remind him that I still had the receipt and was within the returns window!

My children were conceived naturally. All of them at about 3/4 years old asked where babies come from or how they got in my belly. I told them about an egg and how daddy helped make them etc. I imagine children conceived by ivf would ask the same questions at about the same age that you could tell them in an age appropriate way. Like some of the examples in this thread. It seems more effort to be making up another story like the stork than just answering their questions honestly.

Also fwiw I don't know any one with mixed view on the ethics of ivf and if you do their view isn't worth thinking about ❤️

How old is your child ? They will probably ask, they nearly all do.

Sorry to hear what you've been through and I'm thrilled that IVF enabled you to have your child and hopefully any future children! I have a donor-conceived DD (I'm a gay woman) - not IVF, but AI at home. Any future DC will be IVF conceived with donor sperm.

Obviously not the same situation, but I can't see any reason not to tell them?! I talked extensively with a psychologist before having my DC and with the lawyers who drew up the contract between me, my ex DP and the sperm donor (we chose to do this as it wasn't IVF through a clinic). Everyone was extremely clear that children must know, deserve to know, where they came from. And how damaging it can be to find out things like you are adopted, or conceived via a donor, etc, later in life as some kind of 'announcement' of secret finally being shared. We have been 100% open from the beginning.

My DD is 8 but over the years it's evolved from a very simple 'mummy X and mummy Y fell in love. We were so happy but something was missing! That something was you. To make a baby you need an egg from a lady and a seed from a man. A very kind man (XXXX - she knows who he is) had some seeds left after he made his family, so he gave us one. Mummy X's egg and XXXX's seed and all of mummy X and mummy Y's love mixed up to make you'.

Over time she's learnt a little more detail and now at 8 we use the correct medical terms, not seeds. We have several child-appropriate books about the many different types of family there are and the ways babies can be made and cared for. IVF, natural intercourse, adoption, etc. It's never been a big deal for DD and I can't imagine her not knowing this. To me it's as simple as me knowing my mum and dad made me (maybe slightly less cringey for her to think about!)

It’s on the GCSE syllabus and on the secondary school syllabus in many other countries, so the teacher was probably well informed on IVF. More likely that it just wasn’t part of that particular lesson. There’s often not much time for going off topic in lessons.

I don’t see any reason to not tell children if they were conceived through IVF. If it’s not using donor egg/sperm, it’s a bit of a non issue for most people.

My friend was told as a teen that she was conceived using a donor egg and its’s really affected her relationship with her whole family. She doesn’t see those relationships recovering. Obviously I think you have to tell your children but be ready for the consequences.

My teen is delighted to know he was IVF- so the conception was not a direct result of sex between parents. Hurrah!

All the research indicates that timing is the main factor.
Eg children who have grown up ‘always knowing’ they were donor conceived don’t have the same identity/relationship issues of children who it was revealed to later in their lives. That could be a big part of why her relationships feel so affected.

Maybe for some kids but not everyone. My friend is part of an online group of donor conceived children, and there’s lots who feel like she does, who were told at various stages in their childhood.

The common theme is that they feel they were almost brainwashed into having to be ok with it because ‘we love you’. My friend never doubted she was wanted and loved, but she still feels angry at the egg donor and her family for the part they’ve played in causing her to feel so wrong in herself. It’s a sad situation for her and I’m sure for her family too.

I told my DD that a nice doctor helped you to get in my tummy because it is difficult for some ladies to have a baby, and they need some extra help. She hasn’t asked much more about it so am leaving it at that for now. I plan to be an open book with her with whatever she wants to know in future.

I think it will be interesting to see what research shows in 10, 20, 30, 40 years when subsequent donor conceived generations grow up. The current adults lived through such a different time (regarding how commonplace IVF and donors and differing families are, and attitudes in general) than today’s young children.

Wow so many responses!
I agree with not making it a big deal. We won't do that, we are just incredibly proud to have DD after everything we went through, and like all of your children, she is a miracle and we are so lucky to have her.

The reason I mentioned ethics is because in a recent thread about surrogacy (I know people feel strongly about this, I do too) there were a number of posters who mentioned IVF was unethical and nobody has the right to have a child etc and we should let nature decide if we have children. I totally disagree with this as it wasn't nature that destroyed my insides it was chemotherapy.

But anyway back to the point! We were always going to tell her and we talk about it a lot anyway just in general. I'm going to look at some age appropriate books maybe but we won't make a big deal out of it, we don't need to.
It's so lovely to see so many other IVF children that have been born. It's hard to go through and it can be mentally and physically draining but when we get our babies in the end it just makes everything so worth it. There are so many IVF parents out there I can't believe just how normal / common it is!

I have never thought about the 'twin' analogy either. That's so interesting as DC2 will also be from the same 'batch' from frozen embryos. The whole thing is so fascinating and interesting and it's amazing how far modern medicine has come. Although I had no idea how old IVF was and the PP on this thread in her 30s who was an IVF baby, that's amazing!

Not an IVF mummy just wanted to say I have never judged anyone for IVF, if anything I’m in complete admiration as I have had friends go through it and it’s not an easy ride.

I think we should talk openly about it to normalise it. Whether you had generically related egg / sperm or donors you guys are super parents!

Interesting discussion, I was a donor (for an anonymous couple) around 10 years ago.
There was a lot of counselling beforehand, with insistence that I tell my existing children what I was doing.
Also remember having to sign papers so the child (if there was one) could know who I was if they reached adulthood and wanted to know.
Even though I'll more than likely never know the outcome, I love that I may have played a tiny part in a family story

What an amazing, selfless thing to do.
We are considering doing this if all works and we have embryos left after DC2. It's such a special thing to give somebody / a family.

She's only 6. I've told her the basics of reproduction in an age-appropriate fashion, but I didn't go into the specifics of what happened in her case.
I don't think many children do ask for specifics about their conception, do they? Certainly, I didn't.

I would probably feel differently if we had donor egg or sperm, but we didn't. And while I'm not in any way ashamed or secretive about the ICSI we did, I see it more as a private medical issue her father had than something that affects her that she needs to know.

Good on you for getting through that shitty cancer (even tho' it may remain lurking down a side-street)

It never occurred to me to not mention it to be honest. I won't make a big deal out of it but it is part of our family's story, specifically that it is the sole reason why we only have one child (further IVF is unlikely to be successful in my case).

For those asking why you wouldn't tell a child they are an IVF baby, for me the only thing that would stop me telling DS is that there are people who vehemently oppose IVF, think it is unethical, should be banned (regardless of whether it was private or NHS funded) etc. I have seen them pop up on IVF threads on here countless times, totally clueless about the mental effects of infertility on parents.

Whilst I absolutely understand it is ok to have differing views I think when there are people who think that your child should not exist and is less worthy of life than someone conceived naturally that's very hard to come to terms with and I would hate for DS to meet someone like that and hear those views.

I am going to tell him he is an IVF baby as stated in my previous post however when he is old enough I will be making him aware that there are people who think like that. It will then be up to him who he shares that information with.

I think it is part of their own history so you start telling them young.
Otherwise you are keeping it secret, as if it is shameful.

(See also adoption, step parents etc. Always better to bring up knowing)

It’s the history of us - we want them to know., if they are interested. My parents - especially my Dad did not talk about himself much - who he was through his life is a bit of a mystery - he died 2 years ago and I really don’t feel I knew him and that makes me sad.

I’ll definitely tell them. Not least my daughter as I had anovulatory PCOS which is hereditary so it’s part of her medical history.

I think science is moving so fast that our children won’t regard us as remarkable really.

It’s interesting that male factor infertility has been mentioned by a few of the PP who are leaning towards not telling.

I wonder if the taboo around male infertility has any impact on the decision.