IVF parents, will you tell your child(ren) They're IVF?

[MadeWithLoveAndALittleBitOfScience]

Just that really! I know some people have mixed views on the ethics of IVF and I know nobody has the given rights to have a child.

I had a very rare and aggressive type of cancer a few years ago. I still have the cancer and always will as it's not a cancer that can ever go into full remission. But after gruelling surgeries and extensive chemo and nearly dying, I'm here to tell the tale. I'm NED and long May that continue. But it'll always be in my body, just hoping it stays quiet and doesn't rear it's ugly head again.

The chemotherapy destroyed my chances of naturally conceiving (destroyed a large number of my eggs) so we had to go through IVF to select the good eggs. We were lucky enough to have 6 embryos. 5 in the freezer, and one currently sat in front of me. She is biologically ours, and she is the centre of my world. I think age is on my side. I'm still in my twenties.

There's my little life story and reasoning to get IVF. This was after my cancer treatment as I didn't have time to freeze my eggs. The cancer is too aggressive.

If you have IVF child(ren) are you planning on telling them, and if so, how?
We don't want to make it a big deal but we would like to tell DD how we had her, and any subsequent children should we decide to try for number 2. DD is only 2 just now, so we're a while off.

Just looking for thoughts and experiences!
Thank you.

My niece was 9 when I had my baby via IVF and a sperm donor. I had to explain it to her ( and let’s face it, she will be the one to tell my child). She is now decided she wants a child (if she has one) the ‘sciency’ way. But with openness and chance to talk along the way, we all know that hopefully that won’t be the case.

Yes we told him.

He spent years begging us to make him a brother.
I had multiple attempts for a sibling but all ended in MC or bfn. We eventually had to say to him that it sadly wasn’t possible as the Drs had had to help us to have him and, although they’d tried to help us again, it just hadn’t worked.

My DD is is 15 and she's known she is an IVF baby since she was 12. When I told her she wasn't bothered at all and it's hardly been mentioned since!

I've talked about DD (5) being an IUI baby and donor conceived from very early on so that it's never a 'secret' and is just part of our normal conversation about our family.

She knows where babies come from naturally (because she asked) and she knows that rather than me having sex with a man to conceive, that I had a vial of our donor's sperm put inside me by a doctor and luckily one of them was a brilliant swimmer and found my egg.

It's easy in the toddler/preschool years to make something a normal piece of information. I feel that if we leave it too long, it becomes something where we have to have a sit down conversation and would be bound to be asked 'why we haven't told them before'.

Unless you’re harbouring some sort of religious guilt then I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t tell them. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, and shows they were very much wanted.

We had IVF at Guys so I have mentioned it whenever we see the Shard. Unfortunately I think DS1 may now think DS2 comes from the Shard. More explanations may be needed as time goes on!

Both my children were born as a result of icsi ivf. My exH didn't cope well with that & insisted we didn't tell them as little kids. This never sat right with me.
I told Ds aged 16. I will tell Dd this summer (aged 16). Both are Autistic so, once you’ve lost the opportunity to tell them when they're really young it's about finding the right time I think)
I remember the Consultant at the clinic emphasised to exH that our Ds must be told, to give him chance to freeze his sperm as a young man in his prime, (so he could potentially avoid exH problems).

My kids are donor conceived (I was single) so I’ve always told them. However, if I’d been in a couple and had IVF using my eggs and partners sperm, I’m not sure I’d have told them about that. It doesn’t really have relevance unless the infertility was hereditary.

Eldest was natural pregnancy and dc2 ivf. They're too young to talk about it with at the moment. I'll mention it when they're older but tbh it's not really a big deal - I don't see any "ethics" involved as they're both genetically ours and I don't see it as that important as to how the egg met the sperm - but would like to mention it when they are a fair bit older and can understand.

I think making it a big deal is a bit counterproductive.

Unless you’re harbouring some sort of religious guilt then I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t tell them.

I don't really get this - did your parents describe the circumstances around your conception?! Do you think it changes anything?

The only thing I ever remember being a thing was that when I learned about sex and the gross realisation to a kid that parents had done that for you to exist I was smug about it, MY parents had NEVER done that.

Love this, @gogogogogogotime !

I haven't decided yet

My marriage broke down specifically because we had IVF to conceive the second time around and my husband struggled to bond and openly admitted he feels differently about them compared to our naturally conceived eldest (they all all biologically his by the way)

So I don't want to create a divide because I don't want the truth to come out as I think that would be heartbreakingly damaging for a child/adult to deal with emotionally/mentally

I think if donors are used then it's totally different. Or if IVF was needed due to an issue that may be inherited.

But otherwise I'm not sure, would parents who conceived naturally talk to their kids about how they were conceived? I think it's so much part of my life and many friends' lives that it will just be a part of the 'how babies are made' talk. So many children are conceived via IVF now that I don't think it needs a huge sit-down conversation, or making sure they know it's their story from a young age. It's nothing like adoption or donor sperm/ egg.

I've never had any clue about how I was conceived, and never felt any need to find out. I feel it may be more our own need to talk about it really than any child actually wanting to know.

My dd was an ICSI baby and I wish I'd told her when she was younger. She's 15 now and has had some mental health and anxiety struggles, and I worry how she would take it if she was told now. I guess I just never found the right time, and time moved on so quickly.

Who has “mixed views on IVF”, apart from people who live in the dark ages?

My brother & his wife have albums for each of their twins that have pictures right from their first scan after transfer, both ds have always known that they were made a special way.

DS6 was an IVF baby. He doesn't know at the moment but I will tell him. I think it's an important part of his medical history although hopefully will remain an irrelevant part. But, the oldest IVF baby is (I think) in her 30's so I don't think we fully know if there may be long term health implications for IVF babies (unlikely I know but still a possibility). It's actually a bit weird that this info will be all over my medical records but not mentioned in his at all.

Also, I have 2 children from the same round: one fresh, one frozen. I really don't know if they need to know this. (I see someone above has mentioned that their kids know one was frozen and are totally fine with it).

But for me, I have been through hidious times trying to figure out the meaning of life, death and the universe since my teens and I can't imagine how it may have blown my mind (or caused
even worse mental health issues) to know that I was 'frozen in time' for 2 years in a hospital lab, or that actually I could have been the older child but for chance. I know that's my own state of mind, but I don't know if I want to put that onto my child. The science of frozen embryos still completely blows my mind.

Ds6 knows he was conceived via IvF and that his new sibling was too. He has seen a picture of himself as an embryo and seen the photo of him being transferred into my womb.

@Romeiswheretheheartis its really interesting to know why you feel she should know. (Not judging at all, we're just a generation who have had a huge surge in IVF and with a daughter at 15 you were probably quite early on in that).

If there's no medical need to tell her, then why? Would a couple who conceived naturally tell their child they were conceived 3 months after they started the sperms meets egg method, or the very month they bought a sperm-friendly lube of amazon, or on the holiday when they decided to 'stop trying and relax', or when the condom split? Or would a mum feel that they should tell a child that they survived the morning after pill?

I genuinely cannot see why this should possibly be an issue. At our NCT half the babies were IVF. It’s super common. Why on earth would there be shame attached to being an IVF baby?!

The question of how / when to have a discussion about using a donor is totally different. But IVF - why would any child care or feel shame or any other emotion about it unless their parents teach them they should?

Sorry if the above sounds like I mean people SHOULDN'T tell their children. Absolutely not, I'll probably tell mine. I just find it really interesting to think about why we feel that we should.

we didn’t tell anyone we were having ivf at the time, felt like it would add to the pressure somehow, so I haven’t told DC because they would tell DGPs and i think they would be hurt. I will tell dc when they are older, hopefully a good opportunity will present itself…

My daughter is conceived via icsi using donor egg. I wrote and printed a story for her telling her about it all in a very age appropriate way. I never wanted it to be a surprise.
She was nearly 2 I think when we first started reading it to her, she is now 6 and can pretty much recite her story. We will add more details as she gets older and I might even write a more detailed story for her.

I'm really proud of it and would love to write for other families but have no idea how to go about it.

I haven’t had IVF but I wasn’t aware it was at all controversial or remarkable! I can’t imagine a child would do anything but shrug their shoulders if they found out, and be aware they were actively wanted rather than an ‘oopsy’ baby…

We told our DD who is 17 years ago and she was fascinated by it especially how much we paid. We have a Maine Coon who was only a bit less and she asks who was better value. 😹