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Original poster

What are your first actions when your dh or dp goes away and you have the house to yourself for a while?

155 replies

Featheryash · 27/04/2023 08:45

I’ll start:

~ turn the setting on the toaster down
~ turn the heating down
~ open all the windows
~ remove all the wierd condiments cluttering up the kitchen counter and put them away properly
~ scrub the kitchen to within an inch of its life
~ clear all the wierd pots of things that he eats on toast out of the fridge and do a grocery order containing all the food I like
~ remove or wash all of his dirty laundry that lies alongside the laundry basket and either wash it or dump it elsewhere depending on how generous I’m feeling
~ steal his pillows 😄

Anyone else?

OP posts:
Original poster
Featheryash · 28/04/2023 09:48

QueefQueen80s · 28/04/2023 09:22

I honestly can't believe how many women are being controlled and don't realise it. Or are okay with it.
Why wouldn't people snack as much as they want around husbands and partners?

Show quote history

I think we are all fairly intelligent women here. This was just meant to be a light-hearted thread about what you do when you have the house to yourself. Even the most basic of psychology books will explain how we act differently alone, to when we are with one other person, to when we are with many others. To talk about coercive control is a bit of a leap.

Everyone imposes on everyone else. If you live, breathe, walk and talk you are an imposition on others and they on you. None of us can help it, it’s just a fact. Some of us are just more sensitive to the presence of others rather than it being a question of others being domineering.

This thread has thrown up some thoughts for me about whether I have accommodated too many of dh’s choices in to our home, but on reflection I think we have a fairly even balance of chores. He does all food shopping and cooking for a start and that’s quite a task for a multi generational household.

To be specific, for the majority of us, the snacks thing isn’t about being controlled by your partner, it’s more that formal meals and the usual routine goes out of the window when our partners are away, leaving the door open to a more casual style of eating.

OP posts:
piedbeauty · 28/04/2023 09:51

SOMumm · 28/04/2023 07:51

114 posts here describing the absolute bliss and contentment of living alone

I don't see that. I see lots of women enjoying a few nights by themselves, not longing to live alone forever 🤔

QueefQueen80s · 28/04/2023 09:56

@Featheryash I get the peace and house staying clean aspects absolutely. But I can't get past the things you can't do while they are there.
Why the need for formal meals all the time? Loads of times I've had some toast, DP makes what he wants. I will binge as many snacks as I desire infront of him. I will never be dictated what to eat, wear, watch 🤷🏻‍♀️ It doesn't sound relaxing.

TheDogsWardrobe · 28/04/2023 10:01

There’s nothing I wouldn’t do if my partner is home so it wouldn’t make much difference. The dogs would have more room on our bed though, so they’d be happy.

Definitely wouldn’t be scrambling to wash him clothes or remove his stuff from the kitchen. That’s a bit odd. I mean, he’s coming home isn’t he OP? 😅

I know this was probably meant as lighthearted but I agree there seems to be some people who can’t do what they like in their own home. I couldn’t live like that.

xogossipgirlxo · 28/04/2023 10:13

Tried to think of at least one thing and can’t come up with anything. Should I be worried? I pretty much live the same. Oh no, I know. I watch stupid youtube channels without headphones on😂 Other than this nothing changes.

xogossipgirlxo · 28/04/2023 10:15

What annoys me though is that I’m left alone
with everything that needs doing at home. No one I can ask to make me a cup of tea or do the dishes. Right now I have heavy parcel waiting outside, because I can’t drag it myself while pregnant and don’t want to bother my
neighbour🤦🏼‍♀️😩

Silverrocks · 28/04/2023 10:20

I think some people are looking too much into it to be honest. Most relationships are about some sort of compromise, i don't think it's controlling or untoward that when you live with someone it's not fair to do as you please all of the time (as long as its nothing too deep that majorly affects day to day life). For example I like crappy reality TV, sure I watch it in the living room now and then but usually we watch stuff we both enjoy and then watch stuff the other isn't arsed about either on tablets or when the other is out. When he's not here though I can watch it as much as I like, I don't think it's bad or indicative of anything untoward. Same with food, I can eat what I like when he's here but if he's not ill eat stuff only I like because it makes more sense than me cooking mine and him cooking his when he's here (there's tonnes of stuff we both like or will eat even if it's not our favourite so not deprived).

Silverrocks · 28/04/2023 10:22

xogossipgirlxo · 28/04/2023 10:13

Tried to think of at least one thing and can’t come up with anything. Should I be worried? I pretty much live the same. Oh no, I know. I watch stupid youtube channels without headphones on😂 Other than this nothing changes.

Its not worrying as long as he's not forgoing things to accommodate you doing what you want when you want. There's a gulf between controlling and selfish (not suggesting you're the latter but its impressive if 2 adults living together do exactly as they please all of the time without impacting the other).

QueefQueen80s · 28/04/2023 10:24

xogossipgirlxo · 28/04/2023 10:13

Tried to think of at least one thing and can’t come up with anything. Should I be worried? I pretty much live the same. Oh no, I know. I watch stupid youtube channels without headphones on😂 Other than this nothing changes.

This is how it should be.

Original poster
Featheryash · 28/04/2023 10:26

Silverrocks · 28/04/2023 10:20

I think some people are looking too much into it to be honest. Most relationships are about some sort of compromise, i don't think it's controlling or untoward that when you live with someone it's not fair to do as you please all of the time (as long as its nothing too deep that majorly affects day to day life). For example I like crappy reality TV, sure I watch it in the living room now and then but usually we watch stuff we both enjoy and then watch stuff the other isn't arsed about either on tablets or when the other is out. When he's not here though I can watch it as much as I like, I don't think it's bad or indicative of anything untoward. Same with food, I can eat what I like when he's here but if he's not ill eat stuff only I like because it makes more sense than me cooking mine and him cooking his when he's here (there's tonnes of stuff we both like or will eat even if it's not our favourite so not deprived).

Exactly Silverrocks it’s just about showing one another a bit of consideration and compromising a little. And the food thing is about practicality and cost as much as anything else. More hassle and more pricy to cook individual meals.

OP posts:
DMCWelshcakes · 28/04/2023 10:55

Tidy bits of house that I will be in, sleep like a starfish, watch lengthy costume dramas.

To be fair, it's not vastly different to when he's here, other than the sleeping like a starfish because he's much bigger than me.

StoneColdAlibi · 28/04/2023 10:58

Plan and eat lots of vegetarian food, because a. He doesn't like it and b. It makes me fart like a trooper.

Bobshhh · 28/04/2023 10:59

He’s away regularly but I tend to:

  • Change the sheets
  • watch absolute shit (hello obsession last week when he was away)
  • see a lot of friends - not that he stops me it’s just that it’s nice to see him when he’s around!
  • work a lot later in the day
  • eat smaller dinners
  • make a packet of biscuits last a week
brownbeauty80 · 28/04/2023 11:03

Clean the whole house and air it out and enjoy the peace and watch trashy tv n eat junk n go to sleep on the sofa

Scalottia · 28/04/2023 11:03

ThreeRingCircus · 27/04/2023 18:01

My DH never goes away! I wish he would sometimes as I just want to drink wine, eat loads of cheese and watch trash TV without having to talk to anyone 🤣.

Why can't you do this anyway?

Why do you all wait until your partner is away to do these things that you enjoy? Do them anyway, life's too short.

Radi0noise · 28/04/2023 11:16

Load the dishwasher however I like!

Hang the clothes however I like.

Wank

Leave a mess everywhere

Curlygirl06 · 28/04/2023 11:20

My dh goes away for varying lengths of time. When he goes, I push his hideous pillow under the bed, put mine in the middle of the bed and at night starfish all over it. I move the island in the kitchen out of the way, he does all the cooking so he uses it all the time, I live on toast when he's away!

Groggygymdodger · 28/04/2023 11:26

Featheryash · 28/04/2023 10:26

Exactly Silverrocks it’s just about showing one another a bit of consideration and compromising a little. And the food thing is about practicality and cost as much as anything else. More hassle and more pricy to cook individual meals.

Show quote history

So then why are you chucking out all his food stuff you don’t like to make way for what you do. Why are you turning the toaster down. Why are you turning the heating down and opening rhe windows. If you’re uncomfortable do it when he’s here. Why are you washing his dirty clothes he leaves on the floor, why are you cleaning rhe kitchen and saying he leaves it minging. Why are you stealing his pillows if you want more, have move,

none of that is compromise. It’s subservience. Do you think if you go away he’s cleaning the kitchen, ordering food he likes and binning yours, and washing your clothes, shutting the windows and turning the heating up, clearly he isn’t.

Groggygymdodger · 28/04/2023 11:28

He does all food shopping and cooking for a start and that’s quite a task for a multi generational household

so this explains why the fridge is full of weird food he likes and you don’t and you can now bin it and order stuff you like..

Pahpahpotato · 28/04/2023 11:28

Not that much worth mentioning really as he’s not about a lot anyway due to working long hours BUT if he is staying away, I will change up the whole bed so it’s super fresh and lovely, open the bedroom windows (he’s a wimp and likes our room a little too warm for me), make a little nest with all the pillows and have both dogs sleep at the end of the bed, rather than just the old boy like usual.
I would probably also cook something he’s not keen on.

Doone21 · 28/04/2023 11:46

Launch my Mexican food week, search for chick flicks on TV. Buy extra dessert.

PretzelKnot · 28/04/2023 11:50

If he takes his car, park in the middle of the carport. If he flies, move his car under the clothes line and then park in the middle of the carport.

PretzelKnot · 28/04/2023 11:54

Oh and I can live out my maladaptive daydreams. In one of my story arcs that has been going on for 20 years, I am a master swordsman so I can jump around the bedroom and onto the bed fighting the bad guys.

nokidshere · 28/04/2023 12:01

Heating off and all windows open all day long. Im hot, he's cold, it's a compromise we've been making for 40yrs! And enjoy the absolute silence of no tv and no small talk.

Original poster
Featheryash · 28/04/2023 12:27

Groggygymdodger · 28/04/2023 11:28

He does all food shopping and cooking for a start and that’s quite a task for a multi generational household

so this explains why the fridge is full of weird food he likes and you don’t and you can now bin it and order stuff you like..

Groggygymdodger sorry but I just cba to turn this in to a back and forth when it was intended as a light-hearted thread. I’m enjoying reading other people’s contributions!

A lot of them seem quite similar too, so either we are all victims of oppression or normal women who negotiate our relationships with compromises built in.

If you are genuinely worried about me being the victim of oppression then could you please stop forcing your incorrect interpretation of my marriage on to me when you know very little about it apart from a few paras written here?

A few jars of supermarket spreads for toast that I happen to dislike (bc my husband and I happen to have individual preferences and tastes) does not an oppressed person make.

OP posts: