What sort of freedom does your older primary child have?

[bennybobo]

Dd is 9 (10 in December) and in Y4. We live in what I'd consider a safe area, and the only thing I'd majorly worry about is the roads, but our immediate village roads are quiet. Dd is very sensible and is very cautious when it comes to road safety etc.

I have started letting her walk to the corner shop with a friend who is also allowed (less than 5 mins away), and she goes to the park with a friend which is around 5 mins away in the other direction. She's also happy to stay at home if I nip out to the shop, or up the road to my business to collect/drop something off (approx 10/15 mins round trip on foot). There's a couple of kids on the street who she is friends with and they often play out for a couple of hours after school or on the weekends, but stay on the street or down the alley behind our terrace. She has a phone and can contact me, or I can contact her (although I can usually hear them playing if I stick my head out of the door!).

A friend of mine has a dd the same age and has commented that she wouldn't allow her to do these things without an adult. It has made me wonder if this is ok? I grew up on a rough council estate and was allowed a lot of freedom, but I was her age in 1999 so a while ago!!

If you have children the same age, what sort of freedom do they have?

Yanbu.

My son is 10 in September and he has about the same amount of freedom. He is allowed to play on the playground that is literally outside ours, and to walk to his youth club on his own. Again though it's opposite ours so we can see him walking to it from our balcony. We have also let him walk to the shops and stay in on his own if we have had to quickly pop out. This morning for example he is home with chicken pox and I was fine leaving him to drop his brother off to school. He is mature for his age and we have never had a problem with his behaviour or getting up to silly things so I feel fine giving him some freedom. In two years time he will be going to secondary school himself and will probably have to be on his own for 30 minutes waiting for me to get home from work so he needs to learn to be on his own a little.

My son also goes on week long camping trips with his cubs group and has done camp sleepovers for a while now. He also goes on days out with his youth club and will soon be going to a holiday with the youth club with no problem.

DD is exactly the same age as yours, OP.

No phone. Not planning to get one before the end of primary, much to her disgust. I have older boys though, and friends with older girls. No good comes from it at all.

She sometimes stays at home with her brothers for up to an hour if I have to nip out. I left her for around 10 minutes recently to post a parcel at the shop round the corner.

She sometimes goes to said shop with her brother (he's 15), never alone. She walks 3 minutes round the corner to/from school with a year 6 friend, because parking near school is a nightmare so we stop a couple of roads away. They cross 1 road alone and one with a lollipop lady. It's also a busy walk in with lots of mums she knows around.

Never goes to the park alone. Never 'plays out' in the street. No intention of starting either of those soon. She'd love to walk to/from school the whole way from home alone, also not happening before year 6.

I'm the same age as Holly and Jessica or Milly Dowler would have been. It's informed my parenting a lot.

Should add, my 11yo (12 in September) has never been out alone. Never been for a playdate alone, never had a sleepover at all. Only ever been left home alone for 15 mins max whilst I get his sister from Brownies. He has ASD, so isn't remotely ready to go out alone and hasn't been able to make friends in mainstream school so never invited anywhere. He doesn't have a phone and won't have for the forseeable future. It's very sad for him, but does make it easier for me to justify my approach to DD.

My 9 year old has no “freedom”. She doesn’t go out without adult supervision. She won’t be walking to school alone while in primary. And to be honest, we live in an absolute shithole now, and most of the parents I have spoken to drive their children to secondary school too as the area is rife with drugs and to be frank, people you wouldn’t want your teenagers to get chatting to if you were a good parent.

I won’t be letting her walk to the park or the local shops for a long time. In all honesty, I don’t feel safe doing that here in my 40s, but even in a better area, I wouldn’t letting her do that.

I also have a 21 year old.

He had no “freedom” either. He only walked to school alone from secondary age (we used to live in a much better area), a ten min walk. He went there and came home. He had friends over a few times a week. He didn’t wander about as a teen either, he did police cadets which kept him busy.

He didn’t miss out on anything. He’s a very confident and outgoing Police Officer now with a great social life, despite a few members of my family telling me horror stories about how he would be some sort of oddball shut in his room his entire life because he didn’t wander round the park as a 12 year old.

DS is year 6 and had a similar amount of freedom/independece as your DD when year 4. We also live in a village and generally a safe area. Now DS can go to the (nearby) park for a few hours (I check his phone to make sure he's there and ring him sometimes to check he's OK), walk to and from school and I leave him at home alone for an hour or two. My parents live a mile away though so he could ring them if something urgent happened. He'll be at secondary school in a few months so I think it's important to give some increased freedom/responsibility building up to that.

DSs 10, 7,5 are outside playing on the field next to my house(attached) all the time. They don’t have to cross a road and it’s a small cul de sac, but I keep a window open they come to It wanting drinks ect if I don’t hear from them I pop my head out. They play better outside together than they do inside. They come in for tea and back out.

My son is year 4, was 9 last month. I will leave him at home for up to about 45mins while I walk the dog or pop to the shops. He usually calls me from the Alexa or emails from his tablet after about half an hour to see how long I'll be, despite seeming happy to be left I think he doesn't like it for too long!
He sometimes walks to school himself, only has to cross one road where the lollipop man is, and when I turn up a bit after with his little sister the lollipop man will tell me he's been told by DS to let me know he's got there OK. He'll sometimes walk ahead on the way home from school if his sisters being slow, I'll give him my key and he'll let himself in.
I don't let him go to the shops himself yet as it means crossing a very busy road. He sometimes goes for a jog round our close and round the park at the end, will come let me know every 20mins that he's OK.

I was cautious about allowing my kids the freedom they needed, until I read the book 'The Coddling of the American Mind'. It completely changed my perspective and within a year my 9yo was able to get the bus to school by herself when necessary.

Mine is 10, Y5. She is very sensible and we live in a safe community where we know everyone.
She can walk to our local shops (5 mins away), go to two nearby parks, both 5 mins away, either on foot or her bike. She has to push her bike on bigger roads and for crossing the roads but she has completed her advanced road safely bike cert. She can call for local friends. We leave her alone for around an hour at home.
She has just got a phone, mainly so we can track her (life 360) when she is out, which she is aware of. She doesn’t have any Social media and doesn’t use her phone for anything other than to contact us and close family. No what’s app groups or anything like that.
I am comfortable with this. We were similar with her older brother. He is Y7 and can now walk to town and meander around on his own (25 minute walk) and basically a 2 mile or so radius of the house. He can use the bus etc. I think it’s important to foster independence skills but obviously depends on your child and where you live.

Absolutely wouldn’t do any of this sorry.

Am not a fan of letting any children roam streets or parks unattended at any age (paedophiles main concern, roads/them being a nuisance to others second concern). Garden is there for play time.

At age 12 I would consider things like walk to the shop, in house while I nip out, bus to school, mobile phone, attending cinema/bowling etc with drop off and pick up.

I’ve only just started to let my Yr6 just turned 11yo have this kind of freedom, but we don’t have the same kind of set up as you. Some of my yr4 DDs have the freedom your DD has, they live close to school, lots of children live on the same street/new build estate right next to a park that many of the houses they live in back onto the park, so it’s feels a lot safer for them. We live further away and none of DDs Yr4 friends live near us. I have left her one one occasion with her friends at the park when other parents were at a community event across the road. I was only comfortable doing it knowing one of the parents in particular is a lot more strict and more of a helicopter parent than me so I knew even if I wasn’t there that the kids would be being watched.

DD is 9.5, in year 4.
I've left her alone for an hour (occasionally up to 2 but very rare) with access to a phone and she knows to knock on neighbours doors if there's an issue.
It's a 10 min walk to school but unfortunately there's a road to cross that whilst not busy, is the end of a country lane so people do come tearing down it. I've told her in Sept, I'll walk her to that road and once she's crossed, she can carry on by herself.
She plays in the street (cul de sac) but hasn't asked yet to go to the park (5 mins away) as it's a weirdly quiet park and none of her school friends seem to go 🤷‍♀️
She's been to the shop (10 min walk) with her brother but not alone, but actually I would let her. I think she'd be nervous of paying / self checkout, but if she wanted to, I'd allow it

I have two DD 9 & 13

I'm happy to leave the 9 year old at home for an hour or so in the company of her older sister.

I've let her go to the park with a larger group of coydins inc. 12 & 13 year olds. Not on her own or with one or two friends yet.

She will be allowed to walk to school from year 5 on occasions when she starts next year and I can't get out of work meetings (wfh), and full time from year 6.

She will be expected to travel halfway across the Borough when she starts secondary school so we will need to have her confident by then.

My child (10) has the same freedom as your child. The only thing I think your child is too young for is a mobile (assuming it has access to the internet). But what does it matter what I think?! Or your friend for that matter?! You are the mum you know your child best and you are the one to decide what is appropriate or acceptable for your child. Each to their own i suppose.

I highly recommend you read the book I mentioned. The Coddling of the American Mind'.

Loads, walked home from school alone from 8. That includes crossing roads. Plays out alone or with friends from same age.
Im from generation where it was normal to play out alone from 4 if you had siblings with you (they were 6)
Molly cuddling kids teaches them nothing, no survival skills, no problem solving, no awareness of danger. It's probably what's going to kill them in later life.

Wow things have changed. I walked to school alone from age 5 ( 10 mins) then from 7 got a bus 2 miles up the road to go to school. My eldest daughter took herself to and from school from year 4. Strangely enough by the time son went to the school they had got neurotic and wouldn't even let them meet parents at school gate in year 6 ( age 11 from 29th sept). Yet year 7 he had a train journey to get to school . When some of his classmates were virtually same age as he was the year before

What about kids that don't have a garden? Are they to be shut in the house constantly if parents not free to hover over them in the park,.? As for paedophile , kids far more likely to be abused by family members / friends than a random stranger

@thirdistheonewiththehairychest

Suffered serious assault as a young teen when I was allowed to roam. Friends/relatives have related similar stories. And my DC have ASD.

So you can keep your book 😊

Ridiculous to expect children to go from full supervision and parent pick up in year 6 to suddenly travelling on public transport alone 6 weeks later. That said, my mum always picked me up, even in year 6, but that was because she enjoyed chatting to the other mums I walked to school alone though.

I saw the 5 or 6 year old twins up my road getting their first taste of freedom on Sunday, walking down the road to their grandparents (who live next door to me, their own house is just a few houses up) with a walkie talkie so I think they were talking to a parent the whole walk. It was very cute to watch.

Molly cuddling kids teaches them nothing, no survival skills, no problem solving, no awareness of danger. It's probably what's going to kill them in later life.

Oh come on now.

We aren’t talking about hiding children away in a protective bunker, covered in bubble wrap until they are 18 with only the tellytubbies for company.

Anecdotally, since ds has been a police officer we have spoken about when he was a teen and 9 year old dd as she’s getting older. Obviously, he doesn’t speak about cases, but he warns us to be careful with dd and he’s glad he wasn’t allowed to have a lot of freedom when he was younger. Some of the things he’s seen over the last two years have made him really cautious.

(Cue someone coming along to say they/their dh is a Police officer and they say the opposite as usually happens!)

My dd (9 and in y5) has similar freedom to yours OP, we are gradually reaching her independence (which to be honest, she’s happy to take or leave).

I think this is a very polarising subject though as a lot of school parents think I’m crazy letting her walk to/from school. Usually paedophiles/cars they are anxious about - though obviously there is some risk (paedophiles - tiny, cars - quite significant) i think it’s more about the child and how sensible they are than 1. Their age and 2. The parents anxiety/perception of risk. Not sure why you wouldn’t teach self-sufficiency earlier if the child is capable of learning it safely, just like riding a bike or swimming etc.

Can't "coddle" a dead child though, can you? I prefer keeping mine alive.