Moved to Australia

[MrsT87]

Myself and young family (hubby and 2 kids age 6 & 2) have recently emigrated to Perth Australia. I am feeling extremely homesick and feeling like I’ve made the worst decision ever. I’m wracked with mum guilt for taking my kids away from everyone that loved them. I’m already planning on returning in a few months time. My hubby while he is amazing just doesn’t feel it in the same way I do. Guess I’m just looking for a bit of reassurance that I’ve not failed if I chose to go home.

What were the reasons for the move? Is there a long-term positive goal?

It is hard living on the other side of the world from everyone you know and love. Your children will struggle to maintain a relationship with grandparents and extended family. But I am assuming you considered this and there were reasons enough to move anyway?

In my experience the first year is the hardest.

It certainly isn't a weakness to reach the conclusion that you have made a mistake.
I do think you are being a bit quick in making the decision to return to the UK after a short time. I believe you need a minimum of a year, and a mindset that keeps the possibility of permanence as an option.
If Australia isn't for you, and I know of two families who have recently returned to the UK, then you can go back to your home country with useful lessons learnt.

I think this is totally normal. It's a massive move. Have you joined 'Poms in Perth' or 'poms in WA' or 'poms in oz' on Facebook?

I think what you're experiencing is extremely normal. Presumably you had reasons to want to give it a go... try to focus on those. Use video calls and WhatsApp to keep in touch with friends and family back home, but not at the expense of settling in. Try to do some fun things, especially things you were looking forward to doing once you moved.

I've heard many times it takes two years to know if you want to stay long term or not. I cried many times in the first year.

'ping pong Poms' on fb will be the best for you as lot's on there with similar feelings

We came here for the better lifestyle for our kids, but I think I’ve been a bit naive in not realising just how much we’d be leaving behind in the UK.

the adrenaline and excitement of coming shadowed over a lot of everything else and I don’t think until you actually get here you can fathom things like how far away it actually is from the UK and how isolated we would feel. I plan on giving it 6 months but I don’t want to constantly feel miserable and pine for the UK.

I can totally understand how you feel being in a very similar position. I have sent you a PM 😊

A lot of people seem to say it is very normal and also about giving it a couple of years to really know whether you want to stay or go back.
A family member of ours said they 100% wanted to go back for the first year but are still here 17 years later and are happy they stayed xx

I think you are being hard on yourself. I cried a lot the first few months then haven't shed a tear since.
it takes a while to build up routine and figure everything out and unfortunately you need to be patient for that.

what things are you missing at the moment??

Family is my main one. The support we had just isn’t something I can replicate here and I’m struggling thinking of life without it.

Yes the support will never match up with the possibility of what you have at home especially if you have hands-on parents etc.
It's something I know will make life harder for us and I get green eyes when I see friends at home out for dinner knowing GPS have the kids overnight BUT it's quite short sited as that is only for a set number of years, if you choose to stay then it's for a lifetime here, not just your Children's younger years.

how will you feel when the kids are teens and you don't need that additional support - would you regret giving up this opportunity?

Go back home if you still feel like this is 6 months. No one would think any less of you-you’ve done more than most would dream of doing by setting off there in the first place! Try to see it as an adventure for now and give yourself break. It’s completely understandable why you feel the way you do.
I hope you settle quickly.

I'm in Australia but because my partner is Australian and he can't get a UK visa. If I could I would go back. I know the UK has been turned into a shithole by the Tories and everything but really I don't think it's worth leaving your family. The feelings don't go away, especially as parents age and get ill.

Do what you think is best. What if you treated it like a year out type thing, saved up, then came back with a few Australian dollars?

I guess family is only part of the issue. I feel we’re quite isolated here too and I miss the closeness to things back home.

This is exactly how I feel at the moment, as much as the UK isn’t great I’m just not sure sacrificing family is worth it. I guess I just don’t know what’s best. I feel in my gut we should go home and would rather do that after a few months than wait for years and have to resettle the kids etc

that 'closeness' to things will pass as your only thinking off the closeness to what your use to.

I honestly was so overwhelmed at first , even going to the supermarket stressed me out as I wasn't use to the brands or what I could/couldn't buy.

It was then strange on my recent visit home I was equally out of sorts missing things from Oz.

20+ years ago I was you. 3 under 5s and no support. We moved to Perth in the August and eldest DD started pre primary after two weeks. I made no friend in that last term of school and the summer holiday that followed was the hardest, loneliest time of my life. If I could have packed up there and then, I would have.

i went ‘home’ for a long holiday the following year on my own and would happily have stayed there. Eldest DD had a month at a primary school in the UK and the middle one went back to her old nursery. We all just slotted back in, but the reasons we moved in the first place were still there, so I returned to Perth in the October when spring was starting and I remember feeling like it was the right thing to do.

We went back to the UK the following Christmas and had a fabulous time, but I was ready to get back on the plane by the end of the holiday.
We did end up moving back to the UK the following year and I was devastated to do so. It took me a good two years to settle back ‘home’ - moving overseas changes you and it’s only something that people who’ve done it can understand. Despite being back with friends it was so hard to find my place again and I missed so much about the Perth lifestyle, especially for my children. I was pretty depressed for a long time.

My advice, fwiw, would be to try to remember why you’ve moved and just take it a day at a time. Try to find some expat/immigrant groups to find people in the same situation as you - they will understand better than anyone what you’re feeling and going through. There are so many groups now, you can find them on Fb or just Google. It has cost you a lot, emotionally and financially to get there, you owe it to yourself to give it a good go, even though it’s tough. I think men often find it easier because they tend to compartmentalise their lives more than we do and don’t think of the ‘what ifs’. I’m not sure why, but they seem to miss their extended family and friends so much either (just my experience from the families I know).

We’re now on our third time in Australia and have no intention of moving back again, but I do so understand what you’re going through and I really feel for you - it’s so tough and if you end up moving back eventually, you’ll have had an amazing life experience that not too many people have the opportunity to do.
Good luck!

We moved to Adelaide 4 years ago. I hadn't anticipated how hard it would be and how awful homesickness is. I'd say it took 2 years to feel settled, and while I still miss the UK now, I don't have that yearning. When the homesickness was really bad I found getting outside as much as possible helpful, eg go to the beach, bush walk etc. Are you working? If not can you get involved with school eg canteen etc to meet people?
I'd try and give it a bit longer if you can, and wait for the homesickness wave to pass (mine used to come in waves), but there is no shame in going back if that's what's right for you

I don’t think there is anything bad about realising you have made the wrong decision, but with the greatest respect you knew you were leaving family and friends behind, so I am not sure why this seems to have come as such a shock. The trouble with going back before you really give things a chance is that after a while the reasons why you made the move in the first place will probably raise their heads again and you will either become a ping pong Pom or live with regret. We are in Sydney and I know four families who went back in the first year because they missed family, three came back, two ended up staying and with the third family mum ended up going back alone as her DH and teenage kids refused to. Emigrating is really tough, you have to work hard to create the village you left behind but it can be done. Best of luck whatever you decide.

You are right I did know what I was signing up for when I left, but I never expected it to be this hard. I’m from such a close family back home and I miss their support. I didn’t have a bad life in the UK I just wanted to give my family a chance at something bigger and better (or so I thought) so when the opportunity came up we had to take it.

The thought of waiting a year and feeling miserable just doesn’t sit well with me, but I do know I need to give it time. Homesickness is something I’ve never had to deal with and it’s taken just taken me totally by surprise.

I’m not working yet, but I should hopefully be in the next few weeks. I guess I’m struggling with admitting I’ve made an awful mistake and having others be like I told you so.

Emigrating isn't easy. But I assume you had your reasons to do it, and you really have to give it a proper chance. I moved to Perth ten years ago, and the first year was really bloody tough, but now I wouldn't go back for a million quid! We went to the beach yesterday and it felt like we were on holiday! However I do realise it's not for everyone, I think around a third of emigrants go back. But if I were you I'd give it at least 18 months, a friend of mine ping pommed and it cost her an absolute fortune!

We wanted to give it a try and see if we could have a better life out here, but I’m just not sure the sacrifice we’ve made is enough to justify it.

I definitely don’t want to ping pong not when I have 2 young kids. I need to make a decision and own it for them.

I've lived in a lot of countries and it takes at least 6 months to settle. You need to find your family's new routine in Perth.

Homesickness is awful, but if you say I'm only here for 1 year, you can push it aside and try to enjoy/do everything you want as if you were definitely moving home in a year.

It's a shock to Brits how far away you really are in Aus, whereas Aussies are used to having to travel great distances really to go anywhere!

If you've always relied on family for support with DC, you will feel it x1000 when you've got no support. I had both DC living overseas, I never knew any different than just cracking on with everything on my own.

And it's perfectly ok to ping pong! Don't put pressure on yourself to make 'forever' decisions. Your DC will be fine.

@MrsT87 are you on any expat forums? Meeting up,with other expats will help. It also takes time to build a friendship network.

We did a fair few years in Aus due to DH a work. It was tough at first and I'd say it takes 2 years to settle. But when we then needed to move back to Blighty, that was a far bigger wrench. We are actively looking at returning to Aus for all the reasons, ie the state of Britain, weather etc.

Thank you for your kind words. I guess that’s what I’m struggling with, the word ‘forever’. Forever out here on my own with the kids when I have lots of family back home dying to spend time with them.

Yeah I’m really struggling with the distance on things. I knew I need to come and give it a go and I guess it’s taken for me to come here to realise how if it’s for me or not.