Moved to Australia

[MrsT87]

Myself and young family (hubby and 2 kids age 6 & 2) have recently emigrated to Perth Australia. I am feeling extremely homesick and feeling like I’ve made the worst decision ever. I’m wracked with mum guilt for taking my kids away from everyone that loved them. I’m already planning on returning in a few months time. My hubby while he is amazing just doesn’t feel it in the same way I do. Guess I’m just looking for a bit of reassurance that I’ve not failed if I chose to go home.

We moved home (back to Aus) 4 years ago and, I can't believe how wonderful it is to have family around. I'm glad we had our time overseas, and it definitely made dh and I a stronger couple. But being able to ask for help, and get it, is priceless.

In your shoes I'd call this trip a long holiday, spend the year visiting places in and around Aus you want. Then in a year go home and know you gave it your best shot.

We will move back overseas again at some point, but DC will be older, probably no longer at school. I am excited for that adventure, but it's a long way off yet!

From my own experience, it takes at least six months to feel that a new place is your 'now' place, and at least a year to feel more settled. 1-2 years is when strong friendships develop, ime. It's up to you of course and there's no point being unhappy, but I do think it's really not possible to assess things properly in the first year of a big move.

Can you move somewhere other than Perth? It's lovely, and popular with families, but also quite isolated. How about Melbourne? It's got the most 'UK' vibe of all the Aussie places I've lived in.

I would think "right I'll give it a year" and throw yourself into the lifestyle of your area.
Get involved with everything that interests you and everything that you moved for, be that more outdoor living/beach life/ whatever you saw as better than the uk.
Give it a year. If after you've given it all you think you can reevaluate then. Homesickness is hard and support is important but you moved a very long way for a reason. A year can make a world of difference but you do need to fully embrace your new life:

@Fooksticks that’s wonderful to hear! I’m so glad you’re relishing being back with family. I think I totally took mine for granted in the UK and didn’t full appreciate what we had. Moving so far away has definitely opened my eyes to that and I guess if anything I can that away from our experience.

I only moved a few miles up the road and it took ages for me to stop feeling like I was on holiday. Give it time, involve yourself, throw yourself in and then see how you feel after a year or so

It will take 2 years to settle and you should give it a chance. Get a job and really try the lifestyle before saying it's not for you. What you are feeling is very normal and will pass.

I have ping ponged back to the UK and Aus from various places over the years but I have both UK and Aus passports, which makes it easier. There are good things about both places and I haven't ruled out another stint in the UK sometime.

Are you working OP? Honestly don't pull the pin after 6 months, it's takes 12-18 to go through the whole cycle. Christmas, Birthdays etc
It does get easier, but it never goes away. I'm lucky that I've gone through 2 countries with another family and she is like a sister. You can 'build' a family, but it's never the same. Make new traditions, embrace a new way of life. I was lucky pre COVID to go home once every 12-18 months and my parents came out for 6-8 weeks every year. They've just done their first big trip and I was home as soon as the borders opened last year.
Brit, living in Brisbane, I honestly believe the opportunities here are amazing, and the lifestyle is far better. Easy no. Worth it, yes.

My aunty and uncle emigrated to Australia, many years ago and my aunty spent 6 months crying every single day about it. They tried to move back to the UK but couldn't - it wasn't practical by then. So I think it's quite common to feel this way.

One of my school friends emigrated to Australia for the same reasons as you, OP but they haven't looked back and are now Australian citizens.

Please don’t focus on, “going back is failing”. If you do end up going back, you should present it as “we wanted to give it a go, but it wasn’t what we expected” for example. You shouldn’t stay in the “wrong” country because of what people say!

Interestingly, your first post doesn’t even mention anyone local - making friends etc.

People come to Oz completely underestimating it from every angle. The one that really got me is “divided by a common language”. I honestly think I found it easier in countries where I didn’t expect to know the language iyswim. The idea that it’s a “better” life, is so naive, as you’ve said, it’s just different.

Anyway, I’m not going to say anymore, except we have been here 20 years, and I still would go home like a shot, but this is where my children are now.

I’d still wait, give it longer, but not more than 2 years. Anymore than that, and the kids will start having trouble settling back in the UK etc etc. also, the longer you leave it, if you do want to go back, and DH wants to stay put, you end up with some very difficult legal issues if you’re both citizens by the time you decide to leave.

good luck, listen to all the good advice here!

@OctopusComplex i think this is my biggest issue, worrying about what everyone else will think of me if I give up and go home and hearing the “you didn’t give it long enough” chat.

i have been trying to put myself out there and make some friends and I have met lots of lovely people so far.

I do agree that it’s not better, just different and I’m just not sure different is enough for me to justify staying. I do agree not to dwell on it too long with my young kids though, they deserve to get settled etc too.

Oh goodness it really is such a long way away and a big change. My mum emigrated to Mandurah when she retired, I went a few times but didn't enjoy it at all so never moved myself.
Where are you living? Do you know anyone yet?

Do you have to be in Perth? It is super isolated ( spoken as an Australian). If possible move to the east coast. Very similar to the UK. As a pp said Melbourne in particular has all of the proper seasons. As does Tassie and parts of NSW. Most Australians have never been to Perth ( or only on holiday briefly). Do check out Rottnest before you leave Perth though.
In NOrthern Sydney , where I grew up, every third person seems to be from the UK. You'd have fellow UK people as friends within weeks of your kids starting a school.
Best wishes.

The first six months are awful. You can acknowledge that life is awful but it will not stay this way.

However, you need to create routines and get out of the house regularly. Perth is busy in the mornings. Go to the same park every day at the same time and you will be surprised how someone will start talking to you in a few days.

Playgroup is huge. https://www.playgroupwa.com.au/find-a-playgroup/. Find one that will suit your working hours and go. I particularly recommend seeing if the school you are sending your children to has one and joining that. I had no friends until I figured out who lived nearest to me in my playgroup and suggested kicking on for just half an hour extra at our local park. Some years later, I am properly part of my community.

And, on your own, https://www.kids-around-perth.com/free-things-to-do-in-perth-with-kids.html

All the local libraries do story time. Find one handy and go.

With routine comes connection. And friendship.

I do note that all my suggestions are connected with your children. Find something adult, for you. Even if it’s a knit’n’natter or mah jong at your library.

Another Pom immigrant to Australia here. The first six months is not fun in terms of homesickness. I cried a lot. Getting a job will really help. The poster who suggested routines is spot on. In my case it was, and is, walking the dog, but playgroups will create an in I never got as DD was too old for it all.

Yes Perth is reeeally far from other places in Australia, let alone the UK. Had you visited before moving?
I really don’t think there’s any shame in moving back - you’ve actually given it a go rather than the millions of people who spend their lives wishing to do something like that. You only live once!

(No judgement by the way. I moved to Perth without visiting but was only meant to be for a year. Lasted a few months before coming home 😄 was 19 though)

i think it can be really tough for the adults, because you remember what you’ve left behind in terms of family relationships. But your kids will benefit from the opportunities out there, and they won’t miss what they don’t remember. So, consolation is that it’s great for your kids.

Didn't want to say anything about Perth, as haven't visited, but very aware that it's a long way from anywhere! If I'd had a choice, I would've gone to Melbourne. Don't underestimate the impact of getting used to a completely differently climate/ lack of seasons/ different flowers, trees, shops, everything.

I can't help feeling, if the ONLY thing you're worried about is other people, then it's not for you. I have always felt like a visitor, and I think, now, always will. I don't feel as if I can be me here. And that maybe all about me and not a change of country, but whatever, I wish I'd gone home sooner.

Try giving your brain a rest now. Fill your days, have a strict routine, and maybe even suggest to anyone you call at home that you don't call for a week or two.

If you're constantly in touch, that's really unhelpful! Think of it like boarding school. You're not allowed to call your kids for the first half term or so, so they can settle in! I really feel for you. It's a horrible feeling.

What does giving your DC a better life mean though?

It only makes sense if the value of your UK family and the support they give you isn't high.

DC want to see their mum happy, so it's not giving them a better life if you are miserable!

To make it work, you need to fake it to make it so plaster on the fake smile, get out and explore your new environment and go all out to find out about your new home and new opportunities.

Never spend time wallowing in self pity because you are wasting valuable time when you could be trying to make it work.

If you truly don't settle then whatever you do, don't spend years being miserable as your negativity will wreck any chance of making new friendships.

Also, DC are resilient and will make new friends quickly and the longer you stay, the more chance they will have their own ideas about where they want to be.

I know of many cases where the parents have stayed as ex pats but the DC have chosen to go back to the UK for university and therefore the family is split up and the closeness when partners and new families are not in the same country can cause great unhappiness, especially for the older relatives.

Good luck with making a go of it now you are there :)

OP, I was raised between two countries and family aside, it really was a huge life-changing experience for me as a kid. It broadened my world view and gave me a love of travel that's followed me ever since. One way to frame it in your head is to give it 12 months and think of it as 'your gap year'. You're taking a year 'off' to have a big adventure. Fill the time with giving the children the best experience ever and then at the end of the year, re-evaluate.

You may well decide to come home but if you do, you'll know you've given it a really good shot and soaked up all there is on offer. Your children, even though young, will always remember their 'adventure year'. 😊👍🏼

You need to get a job OP and make some friends. When your mind is busy, it won’t be thinking about the UK. If you want to stay and make a go of it then go out and make a new life for yourself. Only you can do that. Don’t make plans to go back just now as returning to Oz will just become harder. Ask family to call just once a week, particularly if they are calling or messaging all the time. It’s coming into winter now. You need to keep yourself busy. What hobbies do you have?

if you are that resigned to going back to the UK then just do it.

MrsT87 Im sorry to hear youre feeling sad.However there is always a way ,as DGM used to say.Firstly have a look for a job or anything voluntary while you wait.The excellent show"Wanted Down Under"sadly no longer on ATM (maybe on I player or You tube ) was very good in covering this sort of scenario.Some people take to it like a duck to water ,others take a bit longer .As PP said maybe just call family now and then for a chat.OW it will seem as though you are "missing out" Instead maybe plan a visit from them in 6 months time or whatever? Try to think what attracted you there originally,and focus on that.Maybe explore your area ,see whats going down there.See how you feel by say Christmas /New year.If you do decide to come back, look upon it as a good life experience .Those people who say "you didnt give it enough time" and other useless comments are often those who wont go past their own area FFS!

It takes up to two years to settle. You’d be mad to leave so soon. Also, what does your DH think? If he’s happy there it’s going to be challenging to leave.

It does take ages, don't give up. I spent at least a year wondering why the hell I did this to me and Ds. Then I decided to give it all I had, I had to stop making any comparisons and just accept this is how things work where I was (USA) and learn to involve myself in the life there and concentrate on making the best life I had for my family.
30 years later we are back in UK and did the whole thing in reverse and wondered why we moved back.

Also don't fall into the trap of only finding UK moms and UK social groups I found some and they spent a great deal of time doing the comparisons and trying to make things British. My MIL fell into this trap, forever making her own little UK and had a foot in each place. I didn't car for the people she seemed to want to hang with and just made US friends who were accepting of me as an immigrant.