How do you cope not having any friends?

[CatMum96]

I’m not exaggerating when I say I have no friends.

I have my sister but she lives 250 miles away and has her own life. I have my mum but she’s pretty old fashioned and I have my aunt but she’s got mental health problems so I can’t vent to the two of them.

I have had friends in school but they all moved on and got new friends. I made friends in college but they cut me out as soon as we finished (they still talk to each other). I had work friends but between WFH and maternity they stopped replying to me. I have autism and ADHD, as well as a slight speech impediment thanks to a misformed jaw. My best friend on 23 years I had to cut out because she was toxic as hell.

I’ve tried Peanut but it’s just so hard and no one wants to engage. I go to parent and toddler groups but other mums are there with their friends and aren’t open to talking to anyone else. It’s just so hard. I don’t want lots of friends. I just want one or two to talk to and confide in. Maybe do something with the kids. I worried I’m setting my kids up for failure because I can’t demonstrate socialisation to them. Even my abusive ex husband and his abusive ex wife have friends.

How do you cope?

Aw this made me feel sad for you. Don’t panic OP. There will be more chances to make friends. Keep being friendly and as positive as you can. Could you maybe try out a hobby or going somewhere where you do an activity with other people - an exercise class, a choir, an art class?

A hobby or activity is ideal, but I guess that might be tricky if you have children and no support?

At mum and baby activities, could you keep an eye out for other mums who aren't in a group and try interacting with them?

Do you actually want friends or do you think you should have them?

I don't really have any friends. I have my family and one person I used to work with that I meet up for coffee once or twice a year.

I seem to be friendly enough. People like being around me but that never seems to translate into proper friendships. When I left school, University, workplaces the connections just died.

None of this bothers me but when it does, it's because I think it's something I should have.

Your children will make friends at school. Mine did and do.

Are you me? I have what I’d call friendly acquaintances - neighbours in the retirement village, women at my knitting group - and same, people seem to enjoy my company, but I don’t think of them as my friends. We don’t know anything much about each other and have no history. I would like to have friends but there’s never going to be any depth to it.

No friends here. No relatives either..
Just me and dh and dc.
Bonus being no ils either!
I do talk to my ddogs a lot!
Haven't particularly got time for any anyway tbh.

I think its your autism op. My husband is autistic and dont have friend. He got hobby and he is satisfied with his hobby. Doesnt even want having friend. Also my ds2 autistic and doesn’t have friends and dont bother to have one. I think its fine to have no friend if you feel you dont wanna have one. Just enjoy youlife and your hobby.

🤣 I think there's more of us about then people realise.

I do like the idea of friends at times and I really like talking to people.

However, I generally resent the idea of people having a claim on my time and I don't know when I'd have time to fit them in anyway.

I lost all my old friends whilst in a relationship with my ex (he got angry about me going out/ I decided it wasn't worth the hassle/had DC, moved house and lost touch with few who remained).

Now I have a dp and he has lots of friends and I sometimes feel a bit weird at times because I have none. He wants me to have friends, which is nice but I don't know how to get them. I'm actually pretty happy in my life in general but I do sometimes wish I still had at least one good friend. Aside from saying hello etc to other mums at school, people in shops, the only adults I speak to regularly are my dp, my ex, and my mum. I work remotely and so I don't have much contact with colleagues and it's all online.

I am mostly happy with my life as it is to be honest, but I do sometimes wish there was someone. Sometimes I think about what might happen if my relationship were to end... I'd have nobody really. I can't just ring someone up for a chat or a moan - I don't have that type of relationship with my mum either. I have nobody to meet for a coffee or go out for a drink with or whatever. Like I said, I'm mostly happy but every so often I feel sad about it.

I tried following the traditional advice and got a hobby - most of the others were men, and making friends wasn't really happening there. After leaving my ex I tried reuniting with old friends but nothing really came from that, and I don't blame them for it but I'm not really sure what the answer is.

Sorry, not helpful but you're not alone with this.

I’m very similar. Hundreds of miles away from family and work from home. I don’t have designs on deep friendships but I have managed to meet some mums for the occasional coffee and play date. This has taken huge amounts of effort though and it’s taken me two years to get to this point. I go to so many mum and toddler groups and I volunteer.

I think it’s really, really hard to make friends as an adult. Really hard. Especially when you’re busy and have a full and stressful life as well. The only thing I can say if you want to make friends is that you have to keep putting yourself out there even when you don’t really want to. Book groups, weekly clubs, language classes, literally any situation where you are stuck with another group of people who share a common goal and forced to interact with them.

I'd find some others with autism tbh.

Those are good points about claims on one’s time, too. I’m my mother’s carer and I get one respite day a week. I also have two DCs (dear cats in this case) with medical issues.

Plus … most of the women around my age that I know are either moaning about their useless husbands or talking about their grandchildren. We don’t seem to have a hell of a lot in common.

try not to believe it’s down to your autism/adhd/jaw etc…. You’ve had friends before!
I take it from your comment on parent and toddler groups you have a young child. I’ve always been quite social all my life and had a huge variety of friends /acquaintances. But since having had a child I’ve had times where I’ve never felt so lonely. I’ve struggled to find the energy to maintain previous friendships and also found navigating the world of baby classes difficult to connect.
I believe it’s just a phase, and eventually there will be a bit more me time, and time to invest back in friendships. Friendships take work and effort to maintain. As previous posters said, try hobbies, gym…strike up conversations/smile/engage. don’t be afraid to suggest grabbing a coffee etc, and don’t be disheartened if people say no - everyone’s got busy lives. But at some point you’ll click with someone

I have no friends. None. I haven’t tried peanut mine are too old for apps like that which is aimed at new mums/ those with toddlers, everyone said I would make friends when mine started school but it didn’t happen.

I'm in a similar situation as bobbleballbags. I went through a difficult time in my life and any remaining friends I had, I distanced myself from. I do miss them now, but it was the right thing to do at the time. They weren't putting much effort into the friendship either so I didn't push them away, I just stopped contacting them first and since they never contacted me that was that.

I've made peace with it by accepting people will come into my life or they won't and also most people don't stay in your life forever anyway.

I don't seem to have a lot in common with most people and I'm not willing to spend most of my free time doing things that make me feel awful and drained, just to keep a friendship going. It doesn't feel worth it. So I only do activities that I actually want to do these days. I used to put so much effort into people who it turned out were ultimately not bothered about the friendship fading away that I CBA to do that any more.

I don't really want deep friendships either. I find a lot of what is dressed up as true deep friendship to be toxic, people only leaning on you when they want to complain about their lives, but never having much time for you when things are going well and never checking in if they don't hear from you in a long time, to see if you're ok. I seem to attract people like that unfortunately. Or maybe most people are like that, IDK.

I just want to chat and have fun. If I confide anything negative to someone, which is rare, it's like a one minute moan then I'll stop going on about it. So I don't really want people confiding all kinds of problems to me, it makes me sad and the friendship one-sided.

I've got one friend who lives on my street, my DP, I chat to a few of his friends if they're around (some of them I don't like at all, so stop at hello!). I occasionally chat with some family members too, but it's not often or for long. That's down to circumstances. The ones I'd like to meet for coffee live too far away so I barely ever see them. Some are difficult people I can't spend too much time with without feeling like I'm going mad and the rest aren't interested in being in touch other than at big family events. Luckily I'm happy in my own company! I'd be very lonely otherwise.

Society has changed. Most people's main lives seem to be online now and real life friends is something many don't have time for. I mean, they have the time, but they'd rather spend it online than meeting up IRL. I'm wondering if, in 20-40 years time, society as we know it will have disintegrated completely.

Great suggestion but where do you find them? Autism support groups seem to be 90 per cent male with very high support nee ds

I can relate. I had two close friends but we grew apart in our 30's . Other than that I have people I know but it always seems to be me making the effort. I just don't seem to be on peoples radar. I am also autistic

I'd start my searching FB for groups to be honest. Expect a certain amount of failure, see it as a whittling down process.

I met most of my adult friends at work. Although WFH can be useful and convenient, I do think people become very isolated.

I don’t have any friends either. I was bullied at school so no friends there. In college I made one good friend but she moved abroad and just stopped texting me. She was very busy with her career and new life so I understand. I’ve felt increasingly isolated since having ds. I’ve moved to a town very far from family and I don’t drive. There aren’t any baby groups near me. I see other women with babies out and about with their mums or friends & I feel quite sad.

Honestly? I'm on here a lot.

I did have a good circle pre lockdown, it fell apart. I've been through the emotional mill with that.

I tried to make new ones and found the mental state of most people was pretty bad. The two local groups I joined, the organisers wound them down after lockdown because of lack of interest.

then I moved. I am going to make an effort at some point, but I've begun to feel that having lost 20+ year friendships, I am worried about going through all that again, so I want to get used to being lonely! I am single and childfree.

I'm starting to have the TV on at weekends, as background, and the characters seem more real to me than others.

the last person I thought I'd befriended, it wasn't real, she said something like "I like to swing from branch to branch".

people seem to like acquaintanceship.

I hope things improve for you.

It's really hard when you're ND. Maybe post in ND Mumsneters boards as strategies for NTs won't work for you.

Keep trying with baby groups. Go out of area. I tried about 10 before I found one I liked!

Do you get child free time in the evenings? If you do go to a class- gym class, college evening class, voluntary meeting etc.

Get involved in community activities. Take up a hobby or sport. You are most likely to connect over shared interests.

Lulu "Society has changed. Most people's main lives seem to be online now and real life friends is something many don't have time for. I mean, they have the time, but they'd rather spend it online than meeting up IRL."

I'm relieved to hear this because I still worry I did something wrong.

What a bizarre post. What on earth is it that makes you see friendships in terms of people ‘having a claim on your time’?

I'm pretty sure there is an app/website like Tinder but for making friends. Can't recall the name though. There are also often groups on FB for women locally looking to make friends. There is one near me where they meet at pubs or go for walks. Easier to make friends with other people who are looking to do the same!