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How do you cope not having any friends?

59 replies

CatMum96 · 21/04/2023 21:39

I’m not exaggerating when I say I have no friends.

I have my sister but she lives 250 miles away and has her own life. I have my mum but she’s pretty old fashioned and I have my aunt but she’s got mental health problems so I can’t vent to the two of them.

I have had friends in school but they all moved on and got new friends. I made friends in college but they cut me out as soon as we finished (they still talk to each other). I had work friends but between WFH and maternity they stopped replying to me. I have autism and ADHD, as well as a slight speech impediment thanks to a misformed jaw. My best friend on 23 years I had to cut out because she was toxic as hell.

I’ve tried Peanut but it’s just so hard and no one wants to engage. I go to parent and toddler groups but other mums are there with their friends and aren’t open to talking to anyone else. It’s just so hard. I don’t want lots of friends. I just want one or two to talk to and confide in. Maybe do something with the kids. I worried I’m setting my kids up for failure because I can’t demonstrate socialisation to them. Even my abusive ex husband and his abusive ex wife have friends.

How do you cope?

OP posts:
Forever42 · 22/04/2023 12:32

Not sure how you feel about this but do you have a family-friendly church nearby? They often hold toddler groups. From attending one of those I started going to services (even though I'm not particularly religious) as my local church runs children's groups during the service. There were a lot of other parents with young children there. We would have coffee after the service and I sometimes see a few of them outside of church now.

StormiDayz · 22/04/2023 12:41

I don't have any proper friends. I had my kids young and have been a stay at home parent for the last ten years or so. I've got a couple of good friends I've known for years and we keep in contact over WhatsApp and on the very rare occasions we meet up in person we talk and laugh like old times. I haven't seen them in 18 months, though. They're busy with their careers and partners and I'm busy with my children. Day to day, it is usually just me, my husband and my kids. I have school mum acquaintances but all our chats are based on our kids and the school and I don't see them as people to have fun with or confide in. I probably should make more of an effort with them but to be honest they aren't really my type of people and I can't be bothered. I feel like I'm always busy anyway to make time for a full social life. But sometimes it would be nice just to have a really good mate who lived close by.

LuluTaylor · 22/04/2023 16:42

As for some saying, I can't give time to people, I don't want to listen to their problems, I can't be bothered with making friends, most people are toxic and just use you, well yes if you think that you won't have any friendships. Friendships do listen to EACH OTHER, I spent a whole unbroken half hour, more or less, ranting on the phone in the car at school pick up yesterday because I needed to, it was my turn, I obviously do the listening as well. But even in my ranting I was trying to make friend laugh and when I did let her get a word in she managed to squeeze in a paragraph of advise that was gold dust and I really needed so I feel better now. But that gold dust wouldn't have happened without the previous 15 minutes of solid whinging from my side. So I texted her later and said thanks that really helped me out. Because it has and I appreciate it.

I'm one of them. I don't mind occasionally listening to venting but not all the time, with so many people it's one thing after another and they want you to listen to all of it. It's never "my turn" because venting doesn't help me. I don need that from a friendship. They won't be able to help me, because I don't need advice, I generally need practical help of a kind others are unable to give (on a friendship level). I pay for that help. So venting isn't for me, if I'm going through something I want fun times as a distraction from whatever it is.

What have you got to lose?

Hours of my time listening to others issues, which upset me and takes over my day worrying about them. My sanity, because listening to the same issue over and over from someone who wants to offload as a way of enabling them to tolerate a shit situation is incredibly draining and misery inducing. My entire day's supply of energy, I don't have much unfortunately, so I want to spend time with friends having fun not swapping miseries.

It's not toxic for you because for you it is a two way thing. For me it isnt. I'm generally considered to be a good listener and good with advice and support. So I attract people in difficult situations who want that from me. I'm not saying all people are toxic users, I've nothing against most people, it's the situations I often end up in that are toxic to me because they're so one-way. I have in the past had long standing friendships with lovely people. But times change, people move away, you enter different life stages, your paths diverge etc and friendships don't always last. That's ok, it's part of life. Knowing that this happens, I prefer to be choosy these days, to be without hardly any friends than to have the wrong ones. To put my needs into the equation, instead of accepting friendship from any Tom, Dick or Harry (often with issues and wanting someone to vent to).

I agree with the rest of what you said though.

MyMachineAndMe · 22/04/2023 17:00

I do things with dh, my dc and my siblings. I'm also happy to just potter about on my own, like going for a walk by myself and stopping off for a tea and cake. I have a hobby and, when I can afford to start it again, go along to meetings and events to do with that so I can at least talk to people outside of my family. I do work but, as a supply teacher, I'm not in the same place every day so don't have regular colleagues to pass the time with either. I do like meeting and talking to new people most days though.

Onthegrid · 22/04/2023 17:29

This is me too, and my DC have now left home. I didn't make friends a baby groups, I only had a very short maternity leave anyway. Nor when they were at school, I joined committees so was involved with the school. However I didn't do the school runs or join the cliques as I was usually working so only made acquaintances.
I didn't make work friends because I was the boss and now although I am not anymore, they aren't my kind of people.
I am not diagnosed as ND, but my DC1 is and we are quite similar.
I can't/won't share details about my life with others in real life, but I would like to find a hobby or group where I could meet up with like minded people.

QuickGuide · 22/04/2023 17:37

It takes me a really long time to move aquaintances to proper friends, but I'm very active in my community and belong to some hobby groups so I know a lot of people and have lots of opportunity for "company".

Once in a while one of those people becomes a proper friend.

One "technique" I use is to do lots of favours. I don't worry about being taken advantage of, everyone within a group has a "role". One might be the joker who keeps everyone entertained, one might be the organiser, one might have the contacts to get good deals on trips, I might be the one who'll always have your kids/offer a lift. I don't do it indefinitely if I get nothing back, but just being welcomed into the group is enough for me. It makes my life better even if it's not fully reciprocal.

GeriKellmansUpdo · 22/04/2023 17:52

My entire day's supply of energy, I don't have much unfortunately, so I want to spend time with friends having fun not swapping miseries.

Perfectly valid. That's why I am in hobby groups. We talk about the hobby. Not our miseries.

frozendaisy · 23/04/2023 08:42

@LuluTaylor I used the words "ranting" and "solid whinging" to express content, the conversation was more storytelling, it was filled with laughter. Just as storylistener is the funniest storyteller of "what her H has done wrong now" in the whole wide world. We challenge ourselves in making our rants as colourful with language and funny as possible. It's not toxic. But they are true. Even my H looks forward and listens entranced to her storytelling during visits. He's part of the circle.l

It's not swapping miseries, well it is sort of, but our tummy muscles hurt from laughing whilst doing it most of the time. So a win-win surely! She doesn't need to worry about me, that's H's job if need be, I was just trying to figure out a way to mentally handle a life situation that is going to be happening over the next couple of months. I didn't know she was going to provide the gold dust. I wasn't expecting it. But she did because I told her a brief outline of what is going on.

And her advice will help me practically.

It's friendship therapy. But yes you do need to dedicate time back and forth to establish these connections.

LuluTaylor · 23/04/2023 17:51

frozen daisy WTF are you even on about?

I've no idea why you think your backtracking description of "whinging", which turns out to be mates having a laugh together, is what I'm talking about when I described the toxicity of those who are constantly moaning. It isn't.

Why are you even on a thread where OP asks "how do you cope with having no friends" when you clearly have good ones? You appear to be incapable of understanding friendless people's experiences, even when they explain it. Maybe because you're surrounded by good friends who it's worth making the effort for and are not, and probably never have been, friendless.

You admit friendship is a two way street, yet you're on here essentially having a go at me (and others) for not wanting to put effort in to friendships where it's all one way and the "friend" CBA to make any effort, be good company when they are around or stay in touch at all. I've no idea why you think this is ok. It really isn't.

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