How do you cope not having any friends?

[CatMum96]

I’m not exaggerating when I say I have no friends.

I have my sister but she lives 250 miles away and has her own life. I have my mum but she’s pretty old fashioned and I have my aunt but she’s got mental health problems so I can’t vent to the two of them.

I have had friends in school but they all moved on and got new friends. I made friends in college but they cut me out as soon as we finished (they still talk to each other). I had work friends but between WFH and maternity they stopped replying to me. I have autism and ADHD, as well as a slight speech impediment thanks to a misformed jaw. My best friend on 23 years I had to cut out because she was toxic as hell.

I’ve tried Peanut but it’s just so hard and no one wants to engage. I go to parent and toddler groups but other mums are there with their friends and aren’t open to talking to anyone else. It’s just so hard. I don’t want lots of friends. I just want one or two to talk to and confide in. Maybe do something with the kids. I worried I’m setting my kids up for failure because I can’t demonstrate socialisation to them. Even my abusive ex husband and his abusive ex wife have friends.

How do you cope?

It's hard. But I have managed it by joining a million things on Meetup and making the first move, always. I will always be the one suggesting coffee or an outing. I am not shy of that.

How is it bizarre? I'm explaining to the OP my situation and viewpoint. Funnily enough a pp understood entirely.

I shall explain anyway. Unless you have friendships that require zero interaction to instigate and nurture, they require your time.

All friendships have a claim on your time otherwise they won't exist.

Agree with Geri you just have to make the effort, no one is going to come knocking on your door and want to be friends. I have moved quite a bit as an adult and just join everything going .. PTA, Book Club, toddler groups, Church, WI, litter picking in the community, delivering meals on wheels, all sorts of volunteering .. you will meet like minded people, some may become friends, some just acquaintances but you will be busy, your time will be fulfilled.

A frequent complaint on here is about not making friends but then saying you don't have any interests .. people like that can be very needy and draining. Without sounding too blunt ... what are you offering to the friendship.

I find book clubs particularly good because you can talk about the book and just bypass any awkward small talk. Volunteering too.

I am not sure if the OP has any childcare though. If not, then it's harder.

I don’t have friends either, so just wanted to say that you are not alone.

Because it’s deeply bizarre to default to thinking of friendships as a a claim on your time that you resent. In theory, obviously, because you don’t have any such claims.

The reason a pp understood is because this thread is populated by people who don’t have any friends, and, as with all such threads, whose reasons for being friendless sometimes emerge sharply from their posts.

Of course friendships need time. And a willingness to put yourself out there.Yesterday, I gave up half my working day to meet someone I had only interacted with on Twitter, but we had lots in common. We got on and plan to meet again.

It's time I have, now DC have grown up.

Like others above, I make acquaintances really easily. I'm sociable and chatty. I work in business development and can happily entertain a table of clients for an evening.
But all connections that I make are surface level. I have no old friends from school, university or former workplaces. I lived in a city for 15 years and have just one friend who I'm in touch with from that time.
I've beaten myself up about this over the years, but I've come to accept that this suits me - and that's why I'm like this.
I don't want people knowing my business or sharing opinions about how I live. I'm fiercely independent and I've never asked for anyone's advice in my life. There's no problem I'm ever had that I've not been able to work through and fix myself. I'm happiest with DH or pottering around on my own. I also can't be arsed to deal with the logistical hell of people's diaries these days.
As a previous poster has said, for me, 'deep friendship' often looks pretty toxic. A friend once pulled me up because I never complain about my DH. I thought, I don't need this, I'm happy. I also don't want to be doing favours for people. DH and I are very handy and resourceful and I feel we have 10 times more to offer others, than they have to offer us!
I AM worried about the future, but like I say, I make acquaintances and join in easily, so hopefully that continues to stand me in good stead.

I'm in a very similar position, also autistic with small DC. I think that if you didn't do something like NCT during pregnancy you can end up a bit stuck for mum friends - my experience of mother and baby groups was similar - it's not you.

If you are close to me, I will meet up with DC for coffee!

As you have asked how to cope - I watch YouTube channels made by mums as a coping mechanism. It sort of helps with the feeling of not having adult conversation.

I must admit, when posters say "I know how you feel" but then say they have DH, I'm a bit...no, you really don't know what it's like to be without friends then.

Could you join a meetup.com group for people with ASD or ADHD?

You make friends by being honest and interested in others.
Not deep honest at first but by indicating publicly that you are not perfect.

Accept not everyone will like you. And that's ok.

Thank people at the school gates even if they are giving you information you already know. "You can't put peanut butter sandwiches in the packed lunch for the school trip". "Oh I wasn't going to just in case but thanks for the reminder appreciated" not "yes I already know that"

Don't come across as a know it all.
But also don't come across as a doormat

Be confident, humble, honest, thankful, join in, don't boast about your kids or compare.

It just takes time. And trial and error.

If someone gossips, oh her and her husband split up, try "well it's a shame to hear of any family breakup regardless of the circumstances" type thing. Don't judge especially on gossip it's rarely the whole truth.

Volunteer on the PTA. Yes there will be a bossy mum or two but there has to be to get stuff done. Remember they are giving time, their own money usually, petrol, favours, to help your children's school. Say thank you.

Step by step

Don't get offended.
Be kind.
Forgive people if they mess up from time to time.
Don't expect them to be how you think a person should be.

Relax, have fun, join in, enjoy joining in, if only for the company you have whilst doing it.

As for some saying, I can't give time to people, I don't want to listen to their problems, I can't be bothered with making friends, most people are toxic and just use you, well yes if you think that you won't have any friendships. Friendships do listen to EACH OTHER, I spent a whole unbroken half hour, more or less, ranting on the phone in the car at school pick up yesterday because I needed to, it was my turn, I obviously do the listening as well. But even in my ranting I was trying to make friend laugh and when I did let her get a word in she managed to squeeze in a paragraph of advise that was gold dust and I really needed so I feel better now. But that gold dust wouldn't have happened without the previous 15 minutes of solid whinging from my side. So I texted her later and said thanks that really helped me out. Because it has and I appreciate it.

What have you got to lose?

Or start one.

I don't want people knowing my business or sharing opinions about how I live. I'm fiercely independent and I've never asked for anyone's advice in my life.

None of my friends do this, or ask for favours. Friendship on MN is always described as "drama" but IRL I think marriages have far more drama, judging by the divorce rate.

Also, husbands may leave or die.

Good for you.
My marriage is drama free.
Friends can move on, just as husbands can.

I do resent people wanting my time when I'm not in a position to give it. It becomes a chore. Having to fit something in because if you don't the friendship will fizzle out.

You might be happy meeting up with someone every few weeks. I would find that too much. Every 6 months to a year would do me but for many people that would be too little and they would assume the friendship was ending. Trying to bridge that gap is difficult and I'm not massively interested in trying.

I have a good family network so I spend most of my time with them.

I was not complaining about lack of friends. I stated quite clearly that I don't care and have little interest.

It’s hard, but I would stop myself from confiding in people. Most people shy away from that from acquaintances.
I found the best way to make acquaintances into friends is to keep it light and continue going to the same activities.

This wasn't particularly aimed at you, hence the reference to the general divorce rate. Of course friends can move on, but it is generally easier to make them than find husbands! My mother was widowed at 63, no desire to marry again, and luckily had kept her friendships going.

I thought this was a thread for people who want to make friends? That's the impression I got anyway.

The logistical hell of people's diaries is definitely a thing, as is the preference for online. But there are still some people who want to meet in person, and have room in the diary.

I have completely relocated twice in my life, the first time I knew no one and the second time I was engaged and DH and I moved together.

The secret to finding friends is realising not everyone is for you and vice versa. It means you have to meet a lot of people. I think out of 100 people you may click with one. So if you have a small life and don’t meet many people the chances are extremely low.

It means socially anxious, people with little time or who are shy by default are very limited by opportunity.

I have tried a lot of hobbies and also volunteering. Both are very good ways of meeting people who have interests, views and passions that may be similar to yours.

One thing I can’t explain at all and one of my sisters and my Mother was the same is that people want to talk to us. We have no idea why. If we are in a queue or on public transport people always talk to us. My MIL is in to woo and says I give off a positive vibe. I have 3 other sisters, one is the loveliest most giving human but she is very shy so has few friends, one likes her own company and is very content with not socialising much and one is just awful really, she doesn’t like other women and is quite proud of that fact. We all grew up together but our personalities are so different.

Wow thank you everyone for your replies.

I have hobbies but they're solo ones (crochet and digital art). I'm also not into nights out on the town.

I do definitely prefer time to myself, and I guess with Facebook pages and sites like this I'm never really alone, and I think I'll be okay with that. Thank you all 🥰

I hear you OP, and others who've found themselves without friends but would like them.
I had friends once - school, young adult, etc, but moved then had DC (now 15 and 16) and although I had some Mum friends, they weren't close and didn't last when the DC went in different directions. I'm 54 now and no close friends in over 20 years.
On the outside I think people would say I do have friends or at least did a while back but I don't really. If you knew the reality all the effort and invites were from me. Never reciprocated so I stopped making the effort as it was making me miserable being so one sided. They never made the effort back so those fizzled.
Occasionally I've thought someone wanted to become friends then they try and sell me their Forever Living stuff or some other MLM stuff and drop me if I don't buy.
I've joined a book club and it's pleasant but no one at same life stage as me and no one I can see becoming close. I've joined hobby groups and same. I'll keep doing this and other things and live in hope.
What I won't do now is keep making effort when it's not reciprocated. I do feel lonely though, but I have DH. No wider family.

There are regularly threads about this, I don’t think we are alone.
I did have friends but they’ve mostly gone. Some when I had children, some when i left one job in a particular area, one friend dumped everyone and got a new set when she moved. I also lost friends when DH was very unwell.
Ive also met people who I have tried to be friends with but are so self interested it’s impossible. They literally never ask anything about you, whilst telling you everything about their lives in a monologue. Weirdly they have loads of friends.

I now have one long term friend who I only see a few times a year. And one I see every few weeks for a walk, mostly because our children are friends. I’m a carer for DD so it’s incredibly hard to make plans and I cannot join groups (not that there is much near me that’s not all full of elderly people). People do not understand what it’s like either.

To me it sounds like you are discounting huge swathes of potential friends just because they are talking to other people. It’s okay to approach a group and explain you are new and could they show you the ropes?
How often do/have you invited people for coffee or lunch?
How many times have you said let’s catch up again and swap numbers after meeting someone nice/interesting?

Friends will never just fall into your lap. They require risk, taking the initiative and perseverance. Checking in with them regularly and really working hard to build trust and bonds. After some time it becomes natural, less effort and secure.

I would look at how much you are putting yourself out there - you can suss out how they feel simply by saying ‘ I really enjoyed today, let’s meet up again’ if they say yes ask for their number and say you will text them when you plan to come back/ return to the group and then message. Some people may not have the space in their lives, but others might be excited to make a new friend. Don’t take it personally- it’s not you.

I have built whole circles from scratch so many times due to relocation. You may need to be the one to do the chasing at the beginning to get the friends you need, as long as the friendship adjusts to a two way street it usually works. Like anything else the more you practice the better you will be!

I don't discount people at a different life stage than me. In fact, I Iike having friends 20 years younger or 20 years older, or single with no DC. ( I am married with DC). I don't like talking much about my family; I would rather talk about the wider world, so our life stages don't matter much.

I personally found mother and baby/toddler groups very clique. Often people were friends from previous children and weren’t interested in talking to others.