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Original poster

Expensive weekend away

58 replies

MANT · 21/04/2023 01:28

A long term friend who hardly ever invites me or my family to his home is having a birthday meal in another city. If I were to go it would cost me practically £300 plus to simply travel for a one night stay over and then to pay for a meal and then his present. Whilst we do travel alot ( and he knows this ) money is running tight at the moment and I have been to this city 3 times before. I really dont want to spend so.much money for what is a birthday meal that could be a fraction of this closer to where we both live. We often have invited him and his partner children to our own homefor a meal but they never reciprocate. How would you suggest I tackle this. Do i state that its too expensive for what it is and how we would consider something more affordable eg at his home or just make up an excuse and not turn up ?. I gave already suggested we meet up somewhere in close to where we both live.

Any suggestions much appreciated.

OP posts:
whatsyourpoison13 · 21/04/2023 01:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as it was the work of a previously banned poster.

TheChosenTwo · 21/04/2023 03:11

Just send your apologies if you don’t want to go. It’s fine, you don’t have to go.

Alighttouchonthetiller · 21/04/2023 06:19

Just say you can't make it and you'll catch up another time. It's not like it's a major life event, like a wedding - it's only a birthday.

GoodChat · 21/04/2023 06:21

Just tell him you can't afford it. It's fine.

chatw0o0 · 21/04/2023 06:27

"sorry I can't make it, hope you have a great evening"

Clymene · 21/04/2023 06:30

Just say you can't go. You don't have to give a reason why not.

Coffeaddict · 21/04/2023 06:34

Another vote for politely decline

Original poster
MANT · 21/04/2023 06:37

Thanks ...I have already but he has insisted so I am thinking of just stating you suggested informing him again...I don't realky want to explain why either but will as you state suggest another time.

OP posts:
Original poster
MANT · 21/04/2023 06:42

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as it was the work of a previously banned poster.

No I wouldn't intentionally do this...I was only going to suggest another meeting up at a later date so that I could give him his present. Infact n the past we invited them several times to our trips and they always refused due to cost which we understand.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 21/04/2023 07:05

Post his present

Namechangeforthis88 · 21/04/2023 07:08

If you say you can't make it, what normal person "insists"? Is it a command performance?

AncientToaster · 21/04/2023 08:39

Doesn't seem like much of a friendship. The friends I have reciprocate hosting, I understand some people like to host more than others or may have a house that is better suited but still seems poor behaviour.

It’s a friendship, he can’t insist on anything. How long have you know him? Just say no thanks and ask yourself what you get out of this friendship.

Whataretheodds · 21/04/2023 08:42

In what way has he 'insisted'?

Original poster
MANT · 21/04/2023 09:47

GoodChat · 21/04/2023 07:05

Post his present

Actually I am seriously considering this

OP posts:
GoodChat · 21/04/2023 09:48

It just takes away the pressure of having to afford to visit soon and him using it as an argument for you to attend the party

Original poster
MANT · 21/04/2023 09:53

AncientToaster · 21/04/2023 08:39

Doesn't seem like much of a friendship. The friends I have reciprocate hosting, I understand some people like to host more than others or may have a house that is better suited but still seems poor behaviour.

It’s a friendship, he can’t insist on anything. How long have you know him? Just say no thanks and ask yourself what you get out of this friendship.

Sadly I can't disagree with you. I have known him since we were very young so I maintain this out of our shared history but its really mainly me making the effort. However on this occasion I'm not prepared to spend so much money on someone who rarely contacts me and never reciprocate and asvotgers have stated I dontvwantvto over explain either because he rarely does.

OP posts:
Original poster
MANT · 21/04/2023 10:03

Whataretheodds · 21/04/2023 08:42

In what way has he 'insisted'?

This actually made me feel bad bur he said " oh please attend" I really dont and will not go because he really by now should have reciprocated ...we have invited him and his family even paid for a birthday I had thrown yet on this occasion he has arranged what is potentially an expensive outing for me to foot the bill. I know I may sound mean but iits hi time he got the message.I agree its not much of a friend ship especially after so long and I have been very supportive towards him.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 21/04/2023 10:18

It's fine just to say, sorry we won't be able to make it as logistics just too complicated, but would be lovely to meet up for lunch one day as I have a pressie for you.

Ooolaaaala · 21/04/2023 10:27

MANT · 21/04/2023 09:53

Sadly I can't disagree with you. I have known him since we were very young so I maintain this out of our shared history but its really mainly me making the effort. However on this occasion I'm not prepared to spend so much money on someone who rarely contacts me and never reciprocate and asvotgers have stated I dontvwantvto over explain either because he rarely does.

Show quote history

This is not an equal reciprocal mutual friendship.

Why are you single handedly maintaining it?

He is disrespecting you and you still feel obligated?

Why?

Do you have other people in your life like this?

Why not fade him out - or at least minimise contact to a reciprocal level…..this means not chasing him to meet and not offering hospitality until he has reciprocated.

Why do you feel obligated or guilty around this person to spend significant amounts of your time and money to meet their demands?

skippy67 · 21/04/2023 10:42

As others have said, just say you can't make it. As for him "insisting", just insist back! What's the worst that could happen? You hardly see him as it is...

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/04/2023 10:44

Be honest, you can’t afford it but hope he has a lovely time.

Original poster
MANT · 21/04/2023 11:56

mindutopia · 21/04/2023 10:18

It's fine just to say, sorry we won't be able to make it as logistics just too complicated, but would be lovely to meet up for lunch one day as I have a pressie for you.

Thank you and I 100% agree...your answer is actually a very good one...thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
MANT · 21/04/2023 11:58

skippy67 · 21/04/2023 10:42

As others have said, just say you can't make it. As for him "insisting", just insist back! What's the worst that could happen? You hardly see him as it is...

Exactly ....thank you for this

OP posts:
Original poster
MANT · 21/04/2023 12:07

Ooolaaaala · 21/04/2023 10:27

This is not an equal reciprocal mutual friendship.

Why are you single handedly maintaining it?

He is disrespecting you and you still feel obligated?

Why?

Do you have other people in your life like this?

Why not fade him out - or at least minimise contact to a reciprocal level…..this means not chasing him to meet and not offering hospitality until he has reciprocated.

Why do you feel obligated or guilty around this person to spend significant amounts of your time and money to meet their demands?

Show quote history

I agree with all you state and I have greatly reduced contact. Its because he was over 20 years ago but bestman at my wedding... oldest friend but has become selfish and despite my efforts to help him he has been resistant to my offers of help. We are such different people now and I am reducing contact this being a significant part of it. It is sad but as you have all stated its not now a true friendship it is a putting up with one another and time to move on. I suppose I pity him and feel the history we had as once close friends shoukd be at least maintained for very occasional events.

OP posts:
Bubblesdublin · 21/04/2023 12:40

Is it a big birthday. He seems very persistant.