Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Expensive weekend away

58 replies

MANT · 21/04/2023 01:28

A long term friend who hardly ever invites me or my family to his home is having a birthday meal in another city. If I were to go it would cost me practically £300 plus to simply travel for a one night stay over and then to pay for a meal and then his present. Whilst we do travel alot ( and he knows this ) money is running tight at the moment and I have been to this city 3 times before. I really dont want to spend so.much money for what is a birthday meal that could be a fraction of this closer to where we both live. We often have invited him and his partner children to our own homefor a meal but they never reciprocate. How would you suggest I tackle this. Do i state that its too expensive for what it is and how we would consider something more affordable eg at his home or just make up an excuse and not turn up ?. I gave already suggested we meet up somewhere in close to where we both live.

Any suggestions much appreciated.

OP posts:
AncientToaster · 21/04/2023 13:03

I have a friend who I have known for almost 30 years. We last saw each other last summer, had been messaging but she has definitely tailed off messaging. I was actually her bridesmaid many years ago. I checked her social media feed and she is alive and kicking. I think it may just have run its course. Our lives are very different now. I suspect she is shitty that I have managed to retire early. Some friendships change and some don’t.

DelphiniumBlue · 21/04/2023 13:25

Just tell him you can't afford travel, overnight stay and a meal. He might offer to put you up?
Don't send a present at all, a card is fine f for an adult friend. Does he buy you presents?

Original poster
MANT · 21/04/2023 14:22

DelphiniumBlue · 21/04/2023 13:25

Just tell him you can't afford travel, overnight stay and a meal. He might offer to put you up?
Don't send a present at all, a card is fine f for an adult friend. Does he buy you presents?

He usually doesn't BUT last year he organised a trip away for my Birthday to meet up with another friend which was nice and I shared a hotel room ir was just a boys weekend away we didn't bring our wives or kids and I paid for my own meals fares ect. However thus time he wants me to bring ALL my family ( i really dont due to the cost and tge fact get this guy basically never contacts us at all. We've def drifted . He refyses to work lets his wife do everything alone ( she's not happy) ...I just don't agree with his way of thinking...at all. A quick drink a quick meal now and again fine a £300 birthday way day no...no way not for him. Lat time we spent a fraction of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
MANT · 21/04/2023 14:30

Bubblesdublin · 21/04/2023 12:40

Is it a big birthday. He seems very persistant.

No not at all ...he's not gonna like the fact that I'm not going but I really can't be asked. Friendships are a 2 way process his is a 1way shame but that's why I'm moving on.

OP posts:
Moonshine60 · 22/04/2023 18:00

Speaking as one who has made ridiculous excuses in the past...just be honest and say it's not do-able for you at the mo. A good friend will understand.

Leeds2 · 22/04/2023 18:48

Is it a big event, with lots of people invited? Just wondering if a lot of people have said "no" due to expense, distance etc and he is doing his best to make sure someone actually attends. You are under no obligation whatsoever, and I wouldn't be going.

EggInANest · 22/04/2023 18:56

Pay him the compliment of being honest!
”Would love to, but atm budget just doesn’t cover travel, accommodation etc”

Imisssleep2 · 22/04/2023 20:32

Just make an excuse and dont go, too expensive in these times for one meal

DJT86 · 22/04/2023 20:55

I think explaining its due to cost always is down to how close a friend you are to the person. It is was a close friend, someone who is the person you speak to when you are having the worst time, you need a moan then being honest with them the cost is a factor seems justifiable. But otherwise I don't feel you need to be so detailed with the explanation mind utopia answer is how I would explain it too.

Tangelablue · 22/04/2023 21:51

Will he be expecting you to foot the whole dinner bill? Or will his wife cover it? Stick to your guns about not going.

Original poster
MANT · 22/04/2023 22:42

Leeds2 · 22/04/2023 18:48

Is it a big event, with lots of people invited? Just wondering if a lot of people have said "no" due to expense, distance etc and he is doing his best to make sure someone actually attends. You are under no obligation whatsoever, and I wouldn't be going.

No its a small gathering but I don't want to go as its poor value for money we've grown apart and he would never spend such money had it been the other way around . Only a few weeks ago we invited his entire family for a meal at ours and they never reciprocate so tbh we are tired of them. We only invited them because he said how a phobia of inviting his daughter wanted to see our pets. I felt bad so invited. I know it sounds mean but that's the way it is.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 22/04/2023 23:11

He obviously feels it's OK to tell you he can't afford to visit you, so why can't you just say the same?

Original poster
MANT · 23/04/2023 02:16

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/04/2023 23:11

He obviously feels it's OK to tell you he can't afford to visit you, so why can't you just say the same?

Oh he will bring his partner and kids to my house forc a meal at a drop of a hat no prob there but he never reciprocates which is why we will no longer invite them. I don't really want to explain my financial situation with him because they know we have travelled alot organised music concerts and plays . Money is tight and as I say but as a result of us spending. I 've simply got to the point where I really can't be bothered to even explain to them I've already told him not to expect us but have done it early so he can rearrange with others he may invite. I know its sad but that's the way I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
MANT · 23/04/2023 02:19

Tangelablue · 22/04/2023 21:51

Will he be expecting you to foot the whole dinner bill? Or will his wife cover it? Stick to your guns about not going.

Oh he will pay for himself and his partner never for anyone else and I will pay for my own family ( had I decided to go...ain't gonna happen though

OP posts:
Original poster
MANT · 23/04/2023 02:24

DJT86 · 22/04/2023 20:55

I think explaining its due to cost always is down to how close a friend you are to the person. It is was a close friend, someone who is the person you speak to when you are having the worst time, you need a moan then being honest with them the cost is a factor seems justifiable. But otherwise I don't feel you need to be so detailed with the explanation mind utopia answer is how I would explain it too.

He was a close friend but tbh it was a strong friendship because I maintained it. He's let me down on several occasions over the years. I'm now in the process of greatly reducing this friendship and I don't want to explain to him anything . Enoughbis enough.

OP posts:
LuluTaylor · 23/04/2023 02:32

I'd decline the invitation and send a birthday card, no present.

I think he's invited a heap of people because he wants a big birthday do, or is trying to counteract possible no-shows of the people he really wants there by inviting extra people. Plenty of people invite everyone they know to big birthday events or general parties, it's a numbers thing.

You don't have a spend-£300-on-his-birthday kind of relationship. Has he ever invited you and your family anywhere at all? Unless you really really enjoy his company or get something from the friendship that you haven't mentioned here, stop hosting him so much and consider whether the friendship really still exists or if you'd be better downgrading him to aquaintance level. I'm struggling to see how if he never reciprocates is he even still your friend? Or does he just show up because a free meal and a pleasant chat is always nice?

LuluTaylor · 23/04/2023 02:38

MANT · 22/04/2023 22:42

No its a small gathering but I don't want to go as its poor value for money we've grown apart and he would never spend such money had it been the other way around . Only a few weeks ago we invited his entire family for a meal at ours and they never reciprocate so tbh we are tired of them. We only invited them because he said how a phobia of inviting his daughter wanted to see our pets. I felt bad so invited. I know it sounds mean but that's the way it is.

Show quote history

Sorry a ton of posts went up while I was typing mine.

So above, he invited himself then? He's a user OP, I'd fade him out of my life.

christmascrazylady · 23/04/2023 02:44

Adults shouldn't need a present for their birthday especially if they invite you out and you pay for your own meal

blahblahblah1654 · 23/04/2023 02:51

Just say you can't make it. You don't need to give a reason or excuses.

Original poster
MANT · 23/04/2023 08:03

LuluTaylor · 23/04/2023 02:32

I'd decline the invitation and send a birthday card, no present.

I think he's invited a heap of people because he wants a big birthday do, or is trying to counteract possible no-shows of the people he really wants there by inviting extra people. Plenty of people invite everyone they know to big birthday events or general parties, it's a numbers thing.

You don't have a spend-£300-on-his-birthday kind of relationship. Has he ever invited you and your family anywhere at all? Unless you really really enjoy his company or get something from the friendship that you haven't mentioned here, stop hosting him so much and consider whether the friendship really still exists or if you'd be better downgrading him to aquaintance level. I'm struggling to see how if he never reciprocates is he even still your friend? Or does he just show up because a free meal and a pleasant chat is always nice?

He's only inviting my family and another close friend of mine so there will be a total 10 of us. He doesn't have many other friends mainly because he doesn't ever entertain make an effort but always looking to see where they can be invited to never inviting. He even told me how he saves money when his family invites him * he doesn't ever invite them. Anyway the trip involves me purchasing rail tickets , over night hotel stay and going to a resturant( just for my family). I've calculated this will come to at least £250_£300 as I will pay for my 4 members My wife and kids don't particularly get on with them either and I too don't want to go Had he been more inviting reciprocating the invites to his home I would have made the effort. I think he doesn't see the cost because he will 100% make his partner pay and possibly take money out of his kid savings to pay for themselves whereas I will pay for all of my family. I feel sorry for his partner too she's fed up.wiith him. However I am definitely reducing contact as some on here stated ..."a reciprocal relationship"..ie I won't contact him unless he invites us. I think I'm going to have a very long wait indeed But that doesn't bother me because as I state they never invite us anywhere so we won't miss out on anything. I will concentrate on new friendships maintaining the good one we have with others. It is sad I know but after 50 years I've had enough.

OP posts:
GeneralDeborah · 24/04/2023 06:24

Glad you’ve come to a positive conclusion with this, OP. Trust your instincts.

Original poster
MANT · 24/04/2023 09:55

GeneralDeborah · 24/04/2023 06:24

Glad you’ve come to a positive conclusion with this, OP. Trust your instincts.

He's just contacted me and he aint happy actually stating that he thought I would jump at the opportunity to spend loads of money on a day for someone who never reciprocates. Trying to make me feel guilty ( typical of him which I ignore) but no mention of what I recently went through. He even had the confidence to state how much of an effort hes made with us ( this guy lives in La La land) never makes any effort or bothers to invite us at all. Incredible. My response was brief and I simply told him we are unable to go as the kids can't go and I've been there a few times but we can grab a pint at another date. He even asked us if WE are doing something for the coronation....incredible almost self inviting to ours We are actually but they are NOT invited But I'll go for a quick pint though. Some people eh ...talk about one way . I do still feel bad as I am intentionally distancing myself.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 24/04/2023 14:27

actually stating that he thought I would jump at the opportunity to spend loads of money on a day for someone who never reciprocates.

Original poster
MANT · 24/04/2023 19:52

Whataretheodds · 24/04/2023 14:27

actually stating that he thought I would jump at the opportunity to spend loads of money on a day for someone who never reciprocates.

I know right this guy even brought up the fact that he attended my birthday party which I spent over £400 pounds on drinks and very expensive finger foods eg Oysters; a party he wouldn't even his wildest dreams reciprocate. This guy is jokes. I responded briefly by saying that he really enjoyed all the parties that I invited him to and indicated that he doesn't reciprocate. Hes actually changed the venue ...honestly I couldn't care less.ill pop in for a quick with him in the local area..my wife can't be asked and my kids don't get o with his. Yup this is called distancing in vivo live and direct!

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 24/04/2023 21:16

I would honestly just say that you can't afford that but hope he has a lovely time.

It's a bit sly to suggest options you prefer/can afford. He didn't ask for suggestions, he invited you to what HE wants to do.

It should be normalised that people can y/n as suits them.