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I'm such a frumpy 40yr old mess

91 replies

lampshadesally · 14/04/2023 22:45

I don't really know if anyone will relate to this but lately I have felt (and looked) my age. I never used to give things like this much thought but inflight sight of myself In a mirror today while shopping and just wanted to go home and cry. I used to be a glamorous size 10, hair freshly washed and makeup applied nicely and I always wore nice blouses/ tops and well fitting jeans. I never really thought much about how I looked I just got up, dressed and did my thing. Today however, the reflection that I saw was a size 14 woman with a visible belly, a poorly put together outfit ( because nothing looks nice on me or doesn't fit) really bad roots that looked a mixture of both grey and dark hair, a big puffy face with bags under eyes and blotchy make up. It made me sad. It made me feel embarrassed. I need to up my game for my own sake or I dread to think what I'll look like in 5 years!

Anyone else feel like they've really gone down hill lately?

OP posts:
Italyanyday · 15/04/2023 10:16

YSL Touché Eclat (highlighter for under eyes), Charlotte Tilbury Flawless Filter and Charlotte Tilbury Airbrush Flawless Filter powder have been game changers for me as I turn 40. A non greasy SPF all-year-round on the face is also key although I'm a bit lazy with that.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 15/04/2023 10:19

Some of these are quick fixes though!
Book your appointment to get your hair done. I just did this and getting it done on Wednesday.

Nails too. I also we t for a massage last week and it was great.

Drink more water. Start slow I guess even if you drink one extra glass a day then increase.
Sun y weather will help with exercise

Go through your wardrobe and out together three nice but easy to wear outfits.

That's a start.

I feel the same though. I'm 36 and had two kids and I am flabby and tired and can't be bothered to eat healthily. But I'm using gousto now which is helping with that.

Peachlollipop · 15/04/2023 11:41

I’ll join you OP. I’m nearly 40 and I feel like I’ve aged a lot over the past few years and I look a mess.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

lampshadesally · 15/04/2023 12:25

Peachlollipop · 15/04/2023 11:41

I’ll join you OP. I’m nearly 40 and I feel like I’ve aged a lot over the past few years and I look a mess.

Excellent!!!! Welcome aboard. Let's set a wee mini feel good target for the end of June 😃

OP posts:
Hartleyhare1206 · 15/04/2023 14:11

Can I join you as well please. I read this earlier today and it struck such a chord with me. I’m 41 and feel/look 71! My mental health can be a little fragile at the best of times and I’m stuck in a cycle of feeling I look shite but feeling too sorry for myself to actually make the necessary changes.
a bit of team spirit and accountability might just help!

Deathraystare · 15/04/2023 14:23

Well I am 20 years older + than you!

I read all the style books that suggest what to wear if you are an apple (me) and busty (me) and unfortunately my shape is 'matronly'. However I now avoid waterfall cardis (that they recommend). I also have to avoid any flounces etc as it reminds me of 'bonny baby syndrome. (This is despite my 'style' being described as romantic). I look a bit better with tunics and they do 'gloss' over my tummy a bit. I am wearing more colour now and feel good about it. Though I don't want to be mutton dressed as lamb neither do I want to dress like my mum or Nan did.

newwings · 15/04/2023 14:26

Yep same!! It's a harder fall from grace when you took looks and weight for granted like I did. Anyhooo I've started working on one area at a time as if I start ripping everything to shreds I would be overwhelmed and thoroughly depressed! I stay on top of greys just with a shop dye and root cover uk spray, I have had eyebrows micro bladed (I think eyebrows can change a face. I've had my long hair lopped off as that just made me look dumpier.

Get your colours and shape done with a professional they can link you to a few good outfits. I think tidy hair and nails with a nice outfit can upscale anyone to glamorous.

Be mindful of your positives! As all you will keep noticing is your perceived flaws!! My mum looked shit hot in her later years when she embarked on a fitness campaign.

Size 14 isn't huge please don't be so harsh on yourself. x

Wherecanitbe · 15/04/2023 15:29

Why is it ,that when I posted a thread about being/feeling frumpy a few months ago, nearly everyone had a major go at me for using the word frumpy. My thread was similar to this one, I genuinely only wanted advice as I was feeling particularly down about my appearance.

I have not posted any further threads since because of the abuse I received. Yet as far as I have seen with this thread, the original poster is , thankfully receiving positive responses.

I genuinely am perplexed.

JaneFondue · 15/04/2023 15:32

The word frumpy is not allowed on MN. Personally I find there are bigger things to worry about, though I don't use it.

lampshadesally · 15/04/2023 15:37

Wherecanitbe · 15/04/2023 15:29

Why is it ,that when I posted a thread about being/feeling frumpy a few months ago, nearly everyone had a major go at me for using the word frumpy. My thread was similar to this one, I genuinely only wanted advice as I was feeling particularly down about my appearance.

I have not posted any further threads since because of the abuse I received. Yet as far as I have seen with this thread, the original poster is , thankfully receiving positive responses.

I genuinely am perplexed.

I think Mumsnet can be weird though sometimes. I once posted something really innocent a few years back and was astonished that people were literally tearing into me! ( it involved cutting back some trees) I changed my username and everything cause the backlash was so bad. I think some people just love a fight and just are particularly brave behind the comfort of their screen. So I honestly wouldn't worry, but I totally hear you xxx

OP posts:
Wherecanitbe · 15/04/2023 15:39

Thank you LAMPSHADESALLY.

JaneFondue · 15/04/2023 15:40

I think frumpy is seen as ageist and sexist. It is really the word that springs first to the tongue sometimes though...

lampshadesally · 15/04/2023 15:41

Wherecanitbe · 15/04/2023 15:39

Thank you LAMPSHADESALLY.

🥰

OP posts:
NotHangingAround · 15/04/2023 15:43

Same here OP, though I am a lot older than you. I made a massive effort to get fit for a few years and that helped so much, then when my work patterns changed last summer my exercise routine slipped and I'm back with a belly, dimpled thighs and split fingernails.

I'm getting myself sorted out though, Had a great haircut and waxed my eyebrows which is a good start. I'm going for walks every day and checking my posture. Taking vitamins.

lampshadesally · 15/04/2023 15:46

NotHangingAround · 15/04/2023 15:43

Same here OP, though I am a lot older than you. I made a massive effort to get fit for a few years and that helped so much, then when my work patterns changed last summer my exercise routine slipped and I'm back with a belly, dimpled thighs and split fingernails.

I'm getting myself sorted out though, Had a great haircut and waxed my eyebrows which is a good start. I'm going for walks every day and checking my posture. Taking vitamins.

Good for you!!! Honestly I think once you know you feel rubbish you really enjoy planning the pathway back to 'normal' again. I've been out walking today and eating a better diet and I feel all better for it. I'm getting my hair sorted in two weeks so that too will be a celebration to be had lol

OP posts:
something2say · 15/04/2023 16:14

Ladies, I posted this exact thread about four years ago, when I had gone from a size 10 to 14, cut my long hair off and was fat and unhappy. Lockdown ruled, January was minging, and I was facing giving away all of my pretty summer dresses that would no longer fit, and would they ever fit again and was that it for me, who once used to be hot, capital H.

What happened WAS -
I broke off a long term relationship.
I started to eat like I used to eat - less, and better.
I began a fasting lifestyle because I was mid-peri, whereas now I am late to end stage peri...(even worse, you'd think).
I lost a stone and a half really BUT realised that at my/our age, we really do have to eat less calories.
I did give away some of the dresses, but not all, and I fit them once again (thank f).
I got a trampoline and some weights.

If peri has anything to do with it, what helped was thinking - this won't go back to how it used to be - this is the new normal - how do women manage it?? How do I propose to manage it? Its not what it was and will never be like that again.

Being honest, being wise, sacking off shit choices, dressing my age but still sexily, wearing more makeup, making different food choices and doing what works.

The best of the lot tho - FASTING. Simply stopping eating. Yes I'm hungry at times (I eat then) but it astonished me how little food I need. A coffee can last me until 4pm sometimes (not when working) and I do sometimes still over eat, but on the whole I just can't do it anymore as it doesn't work for me.

If you're feeling stodgy, have a long period of no food and plenty of water instead and see how you feel.

Wanderingowl · 15/04/2023 16:29

I was like that in my late 30s. At 39 I decided to lose the weight by cutting out processed sugar and increasing protein. At 40 I found my 'sport' and got incredibly fit, athletic and obviously muscular. The great thing about which is that I can live in comfy clothes but still look great. In leggings and a fleece I don't look like I'm slobbing out, I look like I'm just ready to work out. I also have fancy athleisurewear for dressing up. I do have nicer clothes but it's all comfy.

Exercise makes my skin glow, so I never wear makeup. I literally put dye on my roots every month or so for 20 minutes and that takes care of the grey. I usually have my hair in a ponytail or messy up do that takes seconds of attention a day.

But the most important part is how I think about myself. Being fit means I can do all sorts of cool physical stuff that makes me feel cool. I'm finally doing all the things I used to secretly dream of being able to do but never imagining was possible. And I feel like a superhero. I walk around the world feeling very happy to be me which I think just shows.

Farmageddon · 15/04/2023 16:57

I agree with trying to up the exercise, preferably including weights and or resistance training a few times a week.

It will change how you feel about your body, even before you start to see results. You will feel strong and capable and healthy and ready to kick ass (well that's how I feel anyway). I know it seems a bit daunting but once you get used to the basics you'll be flying. For me it beats hours of boring cardio anyway..

As a bonus it will also help increase bone density, protecting your bones from osteoporosis which affects older women more than men.. But mostly it will make you feel awesome, and clothes will fit better.

Youmeandacupoftea · 15/04/2023 16:59

Following with interest, great tips so far and inspiration to sort myself out - thanks all x

Tiredanddistracted · 15/04/2023 19:11

Wanderingowl · 15/04/2023 16:29

I was like that in my late 30s. At 39 I decided to lose the weight by cutting out processed sugar and increasing protein. At 40 I found my 'sport' and got incredibly fit, athletic and obviously muscular. The great thing about which is that I can live in comfy clothes but still look great. In leggings and a fleece I don't look like I'm slobbing out, I look like I'm just ready to work out. I also have fancy athleisurewear for dressing up. I do have nicer clothes but it's all comfy.

Exercise makes my skin glow, so I never wear makeup. I literally put dye on my roots every month or so for 20 minutes and that takes care of the grey. I usually have my hair in a ponytail or messy up do that takes seconds of attention a day.

But the most important part is how I think about myself. Being fit means I can do all sorts of cool physical stuff that makes me feel cool. I'm finally doing all the things I used to secretly dream of being able to do but never imagining was possible. And I feel like a superhero. I walk around the world feeling very happy to be me which I think just shows.

Your last line speaks to me so much. THIS is what I need.

I'm jumping on this bandwagon, people! I'm nearly 41, sliding into perimenopause, feeling alarmingly horny ALL THE TIME but, conversely, never felt less sexy. Its a strange feeling, thinking about sex more often than your average teenage boy whilst simultaneously feeling deeply, deeply unattractive.

I've never been super pretty but, time was, I made up for that by being well presented and kinda... vital? If that makes sense. Right now I feel as full of life as a dead leech.

Lost 1.5 stone since Jan though, and back to getting nails done regularly so there's that. I think this is going to be a long project but I just want my bite back.

DriedFlowersLiveForever · 15/04/2023 20:03

Do you dress professionally for work OP? I find that now I can go into work in casual clothes I've lost the distinction between work and home.
I was all about the nice dresses, blouses, matching jewellery and perfect makeup 5 years ago, now its a hoody and leggings with trainers.
I dress more like a moody teenager now than I did when I was in my teens. I feel like I'm dressed up to the nines in a pair of (primark) jeans and a top that isn't a hoody- sad but everyone else is the same so I don't make the effort anymore.

moggerhanger · 15/04/2023 20:11

@Agitatethebumcrack I am no stranger to frumpdom so might not be the best to advise generally! But on the warmth point: I share your dislike of being cold. Uniqlo HeatTech stuff is great. I also have merino base layers from Mountain Warehouse, which are (a) cheap and (b) surprisingly good for wearing under more stylish (but chilly) tops, dresses etc.

Bloatstoat · 15/04/2023 20:15

I need to join in this, but not sure where to start!

10 years ago pre kids I was early 30s, fit and strong and exercised regularly, happy with my style of dressing.

I'm now overweight, dealing with ongoing diastasis and issues from birth of DC3 which make a lot of the exercise I used to do no good. My hair is greying and frizzy, my skin is weirdly dry and prone to spots and my cheeks are bright red and hard- WTF is that about? I wear clothes brought because they are cheap, wash easily and I can breastfeed in them. It's not a good look.

I feel like I have no time to spend on anything and I really don't have much spare cash, but I have a big family event at the beginning of July, the first time seeing some people face to face for a couple of years, and I really need to improve a bit!

stayathomer · 15/04/2023 20:28

I am 43 and have totally felt this but started trying to fix it. I’ll be really honest I’m ignoring the weight thing and just halfing my horrible addiction to bread because I work in a very fast moving shop and I’ve realised dieting doesn’t help, it just wears me out (I’m size 12 but more 14)
What has made me feel better:
cutting down on screens, especially at night
drinking more water (although I’m not great at this)
eating an apple BEFORE breakfast (fools my body into thinking I’m healthy!)
cleansing skin (Cetaphil wash makes me feel human)
moisturising body and face
primer and bb cream (primer glossier and bb cream Olay)
stepping outside in the morning and just standing there for a few minutes (I know how I sound)
going for walks
at night washing my feet and spraying with boots foot spray then putting feet up and reading
vitamin d
swimming (I can’t swim but am going to go back to lessons)

Op it sounds like you’re going great

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 15/04/2023 20:45

Wherecanitbe · 15/04/2023 15:29

Why is it ,that when I posted a thread about being/feeling frumpy a few months ago, nearly everyone had a major go at me for using the word frumpy. My thread was similar to this one, I genuinely only wanted advice as I was feeling particularly down about my appearance.

I have not posted any further threads since because of the abuse I received. Yet as far as I have seen with this thread, the original poster is , thankfully receiving positive responses.

I genuinely am perplexed.

oh yes, some people get really het up over the word frumpy even though they probably wouldn't have the same reaction to dowdy, even though the two are interchangeable. They view it as being ageist. Which makes no sense to me as one can be frumpy at any age!