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Original poster

Getting bad vibes from SIL, am I going crazy?

98 replies

LiverpoolMummy89 · 10/04/2023 16:27

Have you ever had weird vibes from someone but everyone else thought they were all right? My brother in laws partner has a baby (5 month old) and mine is 10 months old so a small age difference. I was very excited thinking how lovely they would grow together, except SIL never comes around. She’s happy to meet with her friends and do an hour drive but wouldn’t come over to see me and my DD with a 20 minute drive.

She’s a primary school teacher so she’s bound to be lovely, right? My mum said straight away she’s giving her weird vibes but I always said, nah, she’s all right. But thinking more and more about it, she does makes me a little bit uncomfortable and I feel like she only texts me to make it look like she is in contact so it’s not so awkward when she comes over to see my in laws (I live with them). I feel like she’s constantly watching me when she’s around.

I don’t really know what my question is…I’m normally right about people but everyone thinks she’s okay. How do I deal with those feelings. Was really looking forward to having a niece and another woman in the family but she doesn’t make any effort to be close

OP posts:

MelloYellow · 11/04/2023 07:10

User5464245 · 11/04/2023 07:02

Honest opinion, she is probably a snob and simply prefers meeting her own friends over a SIL who doesn’t have a car and lives with her husband’s parents. A few of the things you said were quite odd and esoteric…such as sensing people “having a darkness inside them”. Not sure if your educational levels match up but it not, that’s probably another reason she’s not so keen to meet.

I agree with this.

OP comes across as childish.
and a bit jealous.

everyone else is ‘lovely’ (even dark SIL mother)
groan!

Whywere · 11/04/2023 07:13

I can’t do people pleasers. You’d probably get a dark vibe from me because my face says what it’s thinking. Doesn’t make me a bad person. Just that people pleasers really grate me, make me clench my jaw and give me a headache!

PalmtreesAndChampagne · 11/04/2023 07:19

She probably doesn't enjoy your company and have very different personality. You're not living independently and have believe in hocus pocus which not many people do. You're very different people, it doesn't make her dark or bad. You sound so naive about life.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

Passthewine45 · 11/04/2023 07:22

Maybe she doesn't like you. Just because you're family doesn't mean you have to be friends. I wouldn't pop round to either of my SIL frequently even if I lived near them, we are all really different people and I prefer my friends. I'm from a small family and DH is from a big one. I find his family overwhelming, they spend every weekend together at someone's house, every bank Holiday at inlaws, maybe 10 of them plus kids, it's too much. I definitely like having my space.

WonderingWanda · 11/04/2023 07:24

I am very curious what your culture is? Your username and reference to a Christian suggest you are British but you say it's normal to live with your parents. I wonder is the sil from the same culture or different?Maybe that's why you view her with a bit of suspicion and she you?

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 11/04/2023 07:32

She probably just prefers to spend her free time with her friends. Which is fair.

I think it's unreasonable to expect that you'll become close just because she has a baby with your BIL.

I think you are overthinking it.

I am perfectly polite and pleasant with my SIL, but we have nothing in common and I would not choose to spend time with her outside of family events.

Snoken · 11/04/2023 07:43

Is there a big age difference between you? She sounds much more settled in life with living independently, working as a teacher, driving etc. She might feel that you are at different places in life, you both having a baby doesn't change that.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 11/04/2023 08:32

Having a baby the same age as someone doesn't automatically mean you have things in common.

Let's face it, you live very different lives. You don't drive and are dependent on your in-laws to house you. You also believe that some people have "a darkness inside them."

Your SIL lives independently, works as a teacher and is happier living her own life with her own friends and family.

The only thing you have in common is that you married brothers. That doesn't mean you need to like each other or spend any time together.

maddy68 · 11/04/2023 08:39

You seem to be massively overthinking this. She is busy with her own job friends and family and she's nice to you when you meet. She just isn't overly invested in you. That's perfectly normal

Xrays · 11/04/2023 08:46

User5464245 · 11/04/2023 07:02

It will be this.

I used to find it super annoying when we’d go to visit my MIL and my dhs sister would be there almost permanently with her children. It meant our children never got a chance to build any sort of special bond on their own with MIL / FIL because sil was always there (even though she didn’t live there), it was like her dc and her relationship with MIL was the “main” relationship and we didn’t matter so much. I got really tired of it. In the end we just stopped bothering to go - they also stopped making the effort, never came to see us, so now we haven’t had any contact with them all at all for years and years. It sounds like your sil is very different to you.

CurlewKate · 11/04/2023 09:44

Important to remember that guts are excellent at dealing with food. Brains are best for thoughts and feelings. "Darkness in her"-seriously??

Tomkirkman · 11/04/2023 12:42

LiverpoolMummy89 · 11/04/2023 06:29

Just to clarify a few things because it looks like people are misreading things.

I live with my in laws (husband’s parents) and not SIL’s mum (although her mum is a lovely and kind person).

Living with your parents is normal in my culture. I don’t sit there all the time, I go out with my friends so they (SIL and BIL) can visit when I’m not around.

At the start of mine and hers relationship I wanted her to feel welcomed in the family and although I thought she might be a bit different I disregarded those feelings because she’s a family now and it’s nice to have another woman to talk to. That’s when I asked her to become a Godmother.

My mum met her once (at the christening) and it wasn’t a few months AFTER that I mentioned how I feel about SIL, that my mum said she felt the same.

So whose parents do they live with?

A few things.

You say you have friends and go out with them. Why can’t she do the same?

You also say ‘she can visit when I am out’ but you would take offence if she only visited when you were out. Given you feel so bad that she spends time with her friends, not you.

But also, can you not see how that’s might be annoying for your bil and sil? They either have to plan around you, or visit around your plans. Plus the fact that your child will be getting lots of attention from your partners parents, as the only baby. Theirs will not and that will influence how the relationship between them all is built. That can cause issues.

Your Sil didn’t need you to welcome her into the family. Her Dp did that. The fact that you say you tried even though you knew she was (shock horror) different, comes across as really bigoted.

and your comment about your mum….daughter doesn’t like someone and feels they don’t put enough effort in and their mum agrees? That’s not ground breaking is it?

Heroicallyfound · 11/04/2023 16:41

CurlewKate · 11/04/2023 09:44

Important to remember that guts are excellent at dealing with food. Brains are best for thoughts and feelings. "Darkness in her"-seriously??

Dodgy science right there.

https://www.health.harvard.edu/diseases-and-conditions/the-gut-brain-connection

The gut-brain connection - Harvard Health

The brain has a direct effect on the stomach, causing GI conditions. A person’s stomach or intestinal distress can be the cause or the product of anxiety, stress, or depression....

https://www.health.harvard.edu/diseases-and-conditions/the-gut-brain-connection

pimplebum · 11/04/2023 16:49

My SIL is lovely but I don't go to see her
Would not spend extra time with her if we had babies together
If you notice she is watching you , you must be watching her
What do you mean by darkness? Sad , past trauma , depression , harm her baby serial killer ??

CurlewKate · 11/04/2023 17:16

@Heroicallyfound I may have missed it. But I don't think that article said anything about the gut's ability to assess character, detect demonic possession or to foresee future events.

Heroicallyfound · 11/04/2023 17:19

CurlewKate · 11/04/2023 17:16

@Heroicallyfound I may have missed it. But I don't think that article said anything about the gut's ability to assess character, detect demonic possession or to foresee future events.

You said

guts are excellent at dealing with food. Brains are best for thoughts and feelings.

Brain and gut are actually very linked in creating and processing thoughts and feelings. They aren’t separate.

RampantIvy · 11/04/2023 17:20

Brain and gut are actually very linked in creating and processing thoughts and feelings. They aren’t separate.

Which is why IBS is often triggered by stress.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 11/04/2023 17:39

My SIL is lovely but barely spends time talking to me or my DM when she sees us both as she spends all her time with her DS. She’s a workaholic though working sometimes evenings and weekends so she feels like she has to overcompensate.

She’s also irritating in that once I went round, stayed the night (before her DS was born) and she immediately started tidying/sorting/organising the living room (she loves tidying/sorting/organising) which I found rude as I’d just have liked a chat! So therefore me and DM feel she’s not keen on being that close with us! She does live the other side of London from both of us so whenever we all meet in our different homes it’s for a day/afternoon etc and they’re moving later this year so hopefully things will change.

I’d never call her evil or get bad vibes from her and I don’t dislike her, and wouldn’t ask her to be a godparent or expect to be asked if the latter points were thought of her/me (they’re not atheist but haven’t christened DNephew anyway).

I can concur that not all teachers are lovely either, DM was one for many years!

OP - I’d just leave her alone and let her get on with things. Also, remember, sometimes relationships between family members can change over time, but they certainly won’t if she picks up on you and her MIL’s true feelings/vibes about her!

CurlewKate · 11/04/2023 18:05

@Heroicallyfound What's happening in the brain can certainly affect how the gut functions and how we feel about food. That's not what we're talking about here.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 11/04/2023 18:22

Brain and gut are actually very linked in creating and processing thoughts and feelings. They aren’t separate.

Sure - I don't think anyone's saying otherwise - but that doesn't mean your stomach can tell you that someone has a darkness about them

QuestionTime101 · 25/04/2023 22:00

Starlitestarbright · 10/04/2023 18:39

Maybe she finds it weird you had a baby and live with your inlaws she cant see them without you being there. You seem to judge her maybe she thinks you need to be more independent. Your choices are your own the same as her.

I agree. It also sounds like you and your mum spend a lot of time discussing her. She probably gets the sense that you are preoccupied with her. Are you the same age as her and do you have a job? A 5 and 10 month old baby are quite developmentally far apart still so you possibly sees no benefit in her baby spending time with yours regularly. When she’s not working, like me, she probably wants to choose who she sees. Friends trump anyone who’s not immediate family. Tbh, I find my SIL tedious and boring. She has no conversations other than about babies. I like to get out so I can be an adult.

Hydref66 · 30/09/2024 20:02

I would 100% trust your gut instinct. My SIL always made me feel extremely uncomfortable and gave off bad vibes, despite me always making an effort and she was always civilized I always felt drained and down and unreasonable after being in her company. Well recently she reaveled her true character in the most despicable ways with her words and actions and I am so angry that I didn’t trust my gut instinct sooner and just keep my distance. Your feelings are valid and are trying to protect you. Trust them. X

Hydref66 · 30/09/2024 20:04

Hydref66 · 30/09/2024 20:02

Oh she’s a teacher as well, I certainly would not want any of my children to be in the care of someone so ugly on the inside. You talk about a ‘darkness inside her’ my SIL reaveled that she certainly has a darkness inside of her, i recall her eyes were black when spitting out her vile words.

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