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Original poster

Getting bad vibes from SIL, am I going crazy?

98 replies

LiverpoolMummy89 · 10/04/2023 16:27

Have you ever had weird vibes from someone but everyone else thought they were all right? My brother in laws partner has a baby (5 month old) and mine is 10 months old so a small age difference. I was very excited thinking how lovely they would grow together, except SIL never comes around. She’s happy to meet with her friends and do an hour drive but wouldn’t come over to see me and my DD with a 20 minute drive.

She’s a primary school teacher so she’s bound to be lovely, right? My mum said straight away she’s giving her weird vibes but I always said, nah, she’s all right. But thinking more and more about it, she does makes me a little bit uncomfortable and I feel like she only texts me to make it look like she is in contact so it’s not so awkward when she comes over to see my in laws (I live with them). I feel like she’s constantly watching me when she’s around.

I don’t really know what my question is…I’m normally right about people but everyone thinks she’s okay. How do I deal with those feelings. Was really looking forward to having a niece and another woman in the family but she doesn’t make any effort to be close

OP posts:
GlassBunion · 10/04/2023 18:03

It's so easy to assume that, because you love your partner, that their family members will be equally as likeable.

However, this is often not the case. Your SIL has her own life and has decided that she can't fit you and your child into it. I don't believe it's malicious but maybe you are just two different people.

Heroicallyfound · 10/04/2023 18:08

If you’re a people pleaser maybe you’re difficult to get to know and that’s why she’s wary of you? If you’re constantly shifting to please others how can people get to know and trust you?

EmilyGilmoresSass · 10/04/2023 18:09

LiverpoolMummy89 · 10/04/2023 16:34

Weird vibes because she’s watching me like a hawk. I can’t really explain it. It’s like she’s got this darkness in her!

😒🙄

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ThreeRingCircus · 10/04/2023 18:13

ShiverOfSharks · 10/04/2023 18:00

You're being rrrrrreeeeeeallly weird about this. You can't simultaneously sense evil in her (whatever) and complain she doesn't want to be better friends with you.

Just leave her be and get on with your life.

Yeah I agree with this to be honest. It's a bit of an odd stance for you to take so maybe she can sense something is "off" with you too? Or maybe it's your imagination? Or your mum has put an idea in your head and now you're subconsciously looking to confirm it?

Or maybe she really is awful, I worked in primary schools for years and not all primary teachers are nice people....trust me.

For what it's worth, my SIL and I aren't friends either despite having children the same age. Similar to a PP we don't dislike one another but we don't have a lot in common and I have my own friends to see and socialise with so I wouldn't naturally choose to hang out with her just because our children are the same age. Perhaps it's the same for her and she already has friends or doesn't feel she has a lot in common with you. It doesn't mean she's evil!

Frustratedwithbadlegaladviceontheinternet · 10/04/2023 18:27

Her having “darkness” in her sounds like nonsense to me. You don’t like her - which is fine - so my suggestion would be just leave her alone.

GulfCoastBeachGirl · 10/04/2023 18:31

There is nothing quite as random as being thrown together because you've married into a family. All your other relationships are formed because you've gotten to know someone thru school or work or a hobby. But your sibling marries someone and - voila! - you're family!

So OP, just relax and strive for a pleasant, cordial relationship. Don't push anything and don't have any expectations. Who knows? Somewhere down the line you two may get closer. The one thing I have in common with my SIL is that we both love my brother, and I'm coo! with that!

Comfies · 10/04/2023 18:38

It sounds as if she doesn't like you.

Stop making so much effort. Keep it to civilised, but distant chat.

I've had to do this with my in-laws. It took me many years to reach that point, but now it's strictly basic chat, maybe a happy birthday text for sils who have been just vile. More than that for PILs because they are a bit nicer and also, they're my DH parents and they get more passes!

Anyway, now there is no pressure for me and sils to be besties, I find things a lot less stressful. On the rare occasions when I absolutely have to see them (weddings and funerals), I can be polite and confident.

Highly recommend not forcing a friendship. It will only backfire

Starlitestarbright · 10/04/2023 18:39

Maybe she finds it weird you had a baby and live with your inlaws she cant see them without you being there. You seem to judge her maybe she thinks you need to be more independent. Your choices are your own the same as her.

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 10/04/2023 18:42

I'm not close to my two sil s op

Been in the family for over twenty five years.

They aren't that sort of family

We don't live far but don't see them.

The odd obligatory Xmas or birthday card and that's it really

We like each other so no animosity but we just are different people that's all

TimeForMeToF1y · 10/04/2023 18:51

LiverpoolMummy89 · 10/04/2023 16:39

@THATissoooFETCH true, she doesn’t have to be best buddies with me but I’m a family person and I like to get on with everyone.

I don’t see why I would weird her out, I’ve always been very welcoming and even asked her to be my daughter’s God mother which she gladly accepted.

Why have you asked someone who makes you feel the way she does to be godmother?

That's not normal is it, don't you ask people who you are close to?

Picassa · 10/04/2023 18:54

In the ideal world everyone would get on like a house on fire but in real life it just doesn’t work that way OP. As others have said what do you have in common other than marrying into the same family and having children around the same time? I would keep it civil and friendly when you do see one another but unfortunately it doesn’t sound like things will progress past that.

lionsleepstonight · 10/04/2023 18:59

You are very contradictory. You feel she has darkness in her but you want to be closer and her to be a godparent, and start a thread on her weirdness.

There's only one weirdo that I can see!!

SpicedPumpkinLatte · 10/04/2023 19:30

Maybe you're not her cup of tea and it's as simple as that?

I'm not a fan of hanging out with people pleasers so can relate. She might also have a preference for friends who are a bit more independent and live in their own house, can drive etc. Nothing wrong eith that.

Iamintochampagne · 10/04/2023 19:50

Maybe she doesn’t want to be friends with someone who makes no effort to see them and can foresee a friendship where they always have to come to you

I assume you leave the house at some point, perhaps with your dh or mum who could take you over to visit if you felt so strongly

or you could get a taxi?

Cherrysoup · 10/04/2023 19:59

Obviously she has a voodoo doll of you and regularly sticks pins in it. I think you’re being a bit weird, OP.

Bobshhh · 10/04/2023 20:01

My BIL’s wife is a perfectly pleasant person and we get along well when we see each other but we wouldn’t be friends outside of the fact we married brothers and that’s totally fine! We don’t have to be automatically best buds because we’re in the same extended family!

Mamapiggywig · 10/04/2023 20:02

Whatthediddlyfeck · 10/04/2023 16:40

I’ll be the one to say it, trust your gut instinct

This!

Nottodayicant · 10/04/2023 20:29

Starlitestarbright · 10/04/2023 18:39

Maybe she finds it weird you had a baby and live with your inlaws she cant see them without you being there. You seem to judge her maybe she thinks you need to be more independent. Your choices are your own the same as her.

I agree with this.

gold22 · 10/04/2023 22:37

Maybe she doesn't want to be at her in laws more often

Maybe she doesn't want to get drawn in to her coming to you all the time

Maybe you're not her "kind of person" which is absolutely her prerogative

Maybe she thinks you're a bit odd, I mean you are talking about someone having the darkness in them

MrsMullerBecameABaby · 10/04/2023 22:46

How can you simultaneously say she watches you like a hawk and that she happily drives much further to see her friends but won't ever come over to see you? Aren't those things contradictory?

I know you say you asked her to be your child's godmother even though she puts no effort in to see you or your child to people please, but perhaps it's her who thinks that you're a bit too keen and is a bit creeped out...

Either way find another godmother - it should be someone who's likely to want to be especially involved in your child's life, and your sil seems to have a lot of friends higher up her priority list as well as the fact that she has a similar aged child which means it's quite a big ask for her to have time to build a "key adult" relationship with your dd - and you don't even like her!

Qwerty111 · 10/04/2023 23:23

Did I read it right they you are living with her parents?

She might want to see them on her own and the “darkness” you’re picking up is her internally wondering why you’re still there?

Or maybe your MIL complains about things you do and she’s watching to see if she can catch you.

AnyFucker · 10/04/2023 23:41

I am getting weird vibes from you

Phoebo · 10/04/2023 23:45

LiverpoolMummy89 · 10/04/2023 16:34

Weird vibes because she’s watching me like a hawk. I can’t really explain it. It’s like she’s got this darkness in her!

Well if this is what you think of her no wonder you think she's giving you weird vibes. She either just isn't interested because you don't 'click" and has other things to do or maybe she's jealous of you. I think if you and your mum think badly of her, she may have felt those bad vibes

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/04/2023 23:48

It’s like she’s got this darkness in her

And you wonder why she’s not closer to you?

Have a look closer to home.

Ladybug14 · 10/04/2023 23:59

She has a darkness about her, you and your mum think she's weird.....

.......and yet you've asked her to be godmother and you appear to want to see her more so your kids can mix

Wtaf??