I ate a burger and fries whilst my son lay dying 😱

[SunsetandCupcakes]

It fucks me off that in today's world where everything goes people can be so judgemental about how people behave in grief.

There isn't an acceptable way to deal with the loss of someone you love, and to judge others about how they grieve is one of the dickish things anyone can do.

Go on, judge me. As my son lay dying in hospital I ordered a meal from Burger King (back in the days where fast food was the only late opening option in hospital)

I ate it next to my husband, sat at a table whilst my son was dying on the floors above, whilst people moved around me doing normal things. Then we went back and sat with him until he died.

His funeral was the best day I've had since he died (it was unexpected, he went from being perfectly healthy then being taken into hospital and dying)

The funeral was the last day it was all about him, it was all his birthdays and Christmas' and life all rolled into one. At his 'wake' his friends laughed and played, we all did. We shared stories, I didn't cry.

And then when most people had left and the remaining children returned to grandparents, we went for the booziest, most expensive dinner I have ever had. And it was lovely, he was there with us all that day. The last day that was just for him.

And the day after his funeral I couldn't get out of bed for four days.

I know that people post with an agenda, but judging grief of anyone is wrong.

I'm so sorry, @endofthelinefinally 🌻- I do hope it gets easier for you x

"There’s a quote from Dr Who that strongly resonated with me when my daughter died “The day you lose someone isn't the worst -at least you've got something to do- it's all the days they stay dead”

Gosh @sandberry - what a powerful quote and so true. In the immediate aftermath there's just SO much to do. But it's when all the activity fades away and also when other people start to 'move on', that the true reality hits. I'm sorry for your loss.

I didn't know my child was dying in hospital at first. I was out having a great time before someone got hold of me to let me know. Yes, I was having a blast while my child lay dying. Try that for feeling like crap.

I’m sorry for your loss.

it’s sounds like you have your son the perfect send off.

That's very true @goodnessgraciousmeagain. And then in the weeks after there's dealing with the medical examiners and anyone else who needs to be involved. I think that's why we're numb and in shock in the early weeks. It helps us get through that.

Yanbu. I did an Aldi shop while my dad lay dying. 5 days after he passed I took the dc to the Natural History museum. I had young dc that needed feeding and the day out provided some much needed distraction after weeks of hospitals, doctors, coroners, and sorting offical documents.

I can't imagine anyone would judge you for any of those things, including eating. I'm sorry for your loss.

Hi Op
So sorry for your loss There is no right or wrong way to grieve . Please don’t listen to any judgements about grief . You had to eat. I see nothing ‘wrong ‘ with what you did.

I am so sorry you lost your boy 💐

It sounds like his funeral was amazing and a real gift- you'll be able to remember it for years to come and know you did him proud.

As for the burger- days being with a relative in hospital are long and gruelling. And stressful. If you felt like you could manage a burger, it's good you ate something. It's hard to eat in those situations, so you did what you could.

Besides- what IS an acceptable meal in that situation? Who gets to decide that?

No judgement. Everyone handles things individually fitting their personal circumstances. Sorry for your enormous loss. 💔

What is the right way to do it?

Refusing to eat, sleep, shower or go to the bathroom?
On your knees screaming and crying for hours, days or weeks until they’ve passed?

I can’t believe anyone would be so disturbed as to judge someone for the way they act when someone is dying/has died.

Some people have children or other reasons why they need to look after themselves or put on a brave face.

Some people are in shock and it doesn’t hit them until later on.

Some people especially if they are autistic deal with it in a very black and white way.

Some people get upset, some get angry and some are numb.

There is no right or wrong way.

You didn't know. No reason to feel like crap about that 💐

So sorry for your loss OP.
And you are absolutely right that lots of people are judgemental arseholes when it comes to grief.
When my Mum died my overwhelming emotion was relief but admitting that led to people treating me like an absolute pariah. She had suffered a long, lingering death and the whole family had suffered too. If there had been an option of a happy outcome of course that would have been what I wanted but there wasn't. There was only more of the same or death. And I was relieved when it was over, for her, and for myself. But apparently that made me a hideous selfish person not fit to be her daughter. Words spoken of course by someone who had no fucking clue what it is like to have your world dominated for years by the unrelieved suffering of someond you love more than anything.
Nobody experiences your grief in the way you do OP. There isn't a right or wrong way to process something like you have experienced and it does not matter one iota what other people think you should do or feel.

I am so sorry.
I was cooking dinner and waiting for my son to come home.
Then the police arrived to tell me he was dead.
I was distraught that he had been dying and I had no idea.
I wasn't there and couldn't help him.
It is awful to live with that.

I am so very sorry op.

Several people close to me have had difficult deaths and of course you are relieved when their suffering is over. We dont let animals suffer, we are less kind to people. Wanting people to go on suffering is just selfish and cruel.

Birthdays, anniversaries, wedding can all bring feelings of grief into sharper focus. I no longer send flowers for funerals, I send them to the living a week or two later to recognise that is the harder time.

What the fuck?

I'm sorry you had that experience and thanks for sharing. It's unreal and helps. I think you're the first person I've heard that sort of similar experience from.

Grief is personal. It affects us all in different ways because it is our own journey into acceptance of death. Never feel bad for what you did or said or ate or how you acted or how you felt because that was you doing what you did the best you could and if no-one liked it or accepted it then that is their decision.

I am sorry OP.
My younger brother died two weeks ago and people have said some pretty stupid things. One told me I didn't seem very upset!
I personally couldn't eat (I am fat so that's very odd) however no one has the right to tell you how to grieve.
I lost my second son 22 years ago next week and I was told by my mother not to talk about it. I took me 17 years to mention him. I told a colleague, she was great. I talk about him all the time now. He is part of our story.
And my brother would wish me eating a huge lobster.

Who is judging you? How do those people even know?
Its perfectly fine in my eyes, no need to make yourself sick by not eating or other martyring.

I am glad you were happy with his funeral day! Grieving is not something people talk about or have in mind when around those grieving.
When my /very old/ grandmother died, I realised that the old fashioned official grieving stage made some sense. Today nobody gives a s**. Most because they dont even notice, some dont know what to say. Some keep quiet and some talk hurting nonsense to say something. You do what you need to do to grieve. <3

Thanks @KettrickenSmiled

I'm sorry for your loss OP. Folk do judge based on their own perceptions of what they'd do in the same situation.

It's best to ignore them and do what's right for you. Grief has no rhyme or reason behind it and what you think you might do has no bearing on what you actually do in the moment.

What's important is that you do what's right for you.

I sat on Facebook and Mumsnet the night DH died and that evening we (me, my DD and her DH) had a takeaway. I see it on here, people saying they wouldn't be Mumsnetting when their loved ones are desperately ill or dying but I did. DH was calm and sleeping right up until the moments before he died when he opened his eyes and reached for me. I can remember the feeling of fear and loneliness, social media was a distraction from that.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Yeah me too, @bloodywhitecat. I don't think people realise what it's like sitting in a hospital room for 12 hours or more at a stretch, with someone in the bed who is totally unresponsive. Scrolling social media or playing Candy Crush or whatever is a distraction.

I went on holiday while my Dad died.

I sat with him for hours for the 2-3 weeks he was fading. DD and I had a holiday booked. The last time I saw him I told him I was saying goodbye because we were going away for a few days as the holiday was booked.

He said 'Good' - not because he didn't care about me, but because he wanted DD and me to carry on and live our lives. He knew we loved him.

My mother and brother continued to sit with him, and were there at the end.

His funeral was a celebration of his life - he was in his 90s and had had a good life and was ready to go.