Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

I ate a burger and fries whilst my son lay dying 😱

103 replies

SunsetandCupcakes · 10/04/2023 09:19

It fucks me off that in today's world where everything goes people can be so judgemental about how people behave in grief.

There isn't an acceptable way to deal with the loss of someone you love, and to judge others about how they grieve is one of the dickish things anyone can do.

Go on, judge me. As my son lay dying in hospital I ordered a meal from Burger King (back in the days where fast food was the only late opening option in hospital)

I ate it next to my husband, sat at a table whilst my son was dying on the floors above, whilst people moved around me doing normal things. Then we went back and sat with him until he died.

His funeral was the best day I've had since he died (it was unexpected, he went from being perfectly healthy then being taken into hospital and dying)

The funeral was the last day it was all about him, it was all his birthdays and Christmas' and life all rolled into one. At his 'wake' his friends laughed and played, we all did. We shared stories, I didn't cry.

And then when most people had left and the remaining children returned to grandparents, we went for the booziest, most expensive dinner I have ever had. And it was lovely, he was there with us all that day. The last day that was just for him.

And the day after his funeral I couldn't get out of bed for four days.

I know that people post with an agenda, but judging grief of anyone is wrong.

OP posts:
SunsetandCupcakes · 10/04/2023 09:35

💐 to all those that have lost someone.

OP posts:
IsolatedWilderness · 10/04/2023 09:35

You still have to eat. I didn't eat a thing for four days after my child died. I just had no appetite. Sorry for your loss. I know how much it stinks.

Andanotherone01 · 10/04/2023 09:37

The mushroom thread is absolutely vile but take heart that almost everyone on it has told the OP so.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I wasn’t with my dad for his last couple of hours in the hospice either - I had to take my elderly disabled mother home and I wanted to be with my DH and DC. I’m dad died just after midnight - I think he waited for us to leave to spare us. Grief is a most personal thing and no one has the right to judge anyone.
I hope you are doing ok now ❤️❤️❤️

goodnessgraciousmeagain · 10/04/2023 09:38

I'm guessing this is in response to the mushroom thread. I'm so sorry for your huge, huge loss OP!

Presumably it would have been ok (by some people's standards) if you'd eaten boiled vegetables at this time rather than the very-unholy Burger King! Hmm

I am glad that you were able to give your body some fuel and also that you were able to have a lovely expensive boozy meal in the time afterwards.

When we lost our mum suddenly, although we were devastated we decided to try and turn it into a 'celebration of life' which is exactly what she would have wanted. No, it didn't make the very long, complex grieving process easier but it gave us some lovely memories to look back on knowing that if she could have planned it, it would have been exactly what she wanted.

Everyone processes differently. I'm glad you got to this your way. FlowersFlowers

AllOfThemWitches · 10/04/2023 09:39

I got drunk when my mum died.

MyLavenderSuperpowers · 10/04/2023 09:39

You did nothing to be ashamed of. You are a meal to keep your strength up, you returned to your son, you were with him and then gave him what sounds like an epic send off.

Grief is a horrible journey, don’t add guilt to the mix.

Twinsmummy1812 · 10/04/2023 09:40

Functioning normally when you are grieving is an important part of life. As pp have said you still have to eat, shop, laugh and even forget for the odd moment. All okay and normal. I’m so sorry for your loss x

TooOldForThisNonsense · 10/04/2023 09:40

So sorry for your loss x

BCBird · 10/04/2023 09:40

I am so sorry for your loss. After the unexpected suicide of my partner the next day I went for a walk with mate. It didn't mean I wasn't grieving. I needed to shelve it till I could process what had happened. I still trying to do that. Stuff the people who casting judgements. Take care

MuttsNutts · 10/04/2023 09:42

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy 💐

And yes, those who judge anyone in grief need to take a long look at themselves.

SpideysMummy · 10/04/2023 09:43

Anyone who judges a grieving mother for feeding herself, or a grieving son from getting some fresh air, or anyone who is grieving for taking some time to themselves in any respect, is a twat.

slowquickstep · 10/04/2023 09:46

We all get through in whatever way we can. Four hours after my Mum died i went shopping on the High street, don't know why but i just did. I visited half a dozen shoe shops, when i went into the last one I bought a pair of bright orange court shoes. Now my Mum was very religious and the funeral was to be very traditional, all black, women of the family in black veils etc but i wore those bright orange shoes because my Mum would have loved them. Nobody knows how the will react to someone dying, we do what we have to do.

TennisWithDeborah · 10/04/2023 09:46

SpideysMummy · 10/04/2023 09:43

Anyone who judges a grieving mother for feeding herself, or a grieving son from getting some fresh air, or anyone who is grieving for taking some time to themselves in any respect, is a twat.

100% true!

WhiteBobbin · 10/04/2023 09:46

Mushroom OP hasn’t been back as everyone has told her she’s being shit.
The funeral of your son sounds a really lovely day to celebrate him.

MoreSleepPleasee · 10/04/2023 09:47

❤️❤️❤️

Mangogirl12 · 10/04/2023 09:47

Are you ok? What led to you posting this?

CheshireCat1 · 10/04/2023 09:48

I’m so sorry for your loss, grief is so personal and we all have different ways of trying to cope. I can fully understand how angry you must feel about the post regarding King Charles, I hope it’s deleted.

StagsLeap · 10/04/2023 09:49

Mangogirl12 · 10/04/2023 09:47

Are you ok? What led to you posting this?

Thread about Charles foraging for mushrooms while queen was dying.

Aussiegirl123456 · 10/04/2023 09:51

Nobody, nobody should ever lose a child. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain. I’m so sorry for your loss

Streamside · 10/04/2023 09:51

And isn't that the bizarre thing about death, that life proceeds as normal right beside the dying person. Best wishes to the op and their family.

Prescottdanni123 · 10/04/2023 09:51

So sorry for your loss Flowers

No judgement whatsoever from me.

Starlight2021 · 10/04/2023 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

gogohmm · 10/04/2023 09:52

My grandmother was ailing fast and I was due to go on holiday - I visited her with my now exh and we spent hours there in her room chatting about the holiday and moving overseas, she wished us a lovely holiday - I knew i would never see her again but it would have broken her heart to see me not go. I had a lovely time, in the days before email and mobile phones, didn't call home, and my dad was stood at the arrivals gate unexpectedly (was planning on taking the train) he didn't need to say a word. Everyone is different but I'm a strong believer in honouring the person who is dying but living your best life if that makes sense- 3 weeks later I realised I was pregnant and my dd carries my grandmothers name

StormiDayz · 10/04/2023 09:52

Sorry for your loss OP. Anyone who judges you for eating needs to take a long hard look at themselves. Hope you're OK.

Legocurlers · 10/04/2023 09:53

The day my sister died, I went to Five Guys. I was the same when my gran died, went out for a meal. I just didn't want to be stuck at home moaping around. I wanted to be out the house, around the living.

I don't think some people realise what it's like when a family member is terminally ill. It is all consuming. It's draining and exhausting. Everyday you wake up to an impending sense of doom. You worry when your phone goes and wonder 'what next?'. I made my peace with my sister and said my goodbyes a hundred times over in the time she was ill. I spent the time after I saw her every day wondering if that would be the last time I spoke to her. My sister also hated people being sad around her just reminding her she was dying. She liked having people around her talking to her about normal things and what they were up. She hated people just sitting there crying over her dying.

Until it happens to you, you'll never know how you'll react.