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Original poster

I ate a burger and fries whilst my son lay dying 😱

103 replies

SunsetandCupcakes · 10/04/2023 09:19

It fucks me off that in today's world where everything goes people can be so judgemental about how people behave in grief.

There isn't an acceptable way to deal with the loss of someone you love, and to judge others about how they grieve is one of the dickish things anyone can do.

Go on, judge me. As my son lay dying in hospital I ordered a meal from Burger King (back in the days where fast food was the only late opening option in hospital)

I ate it next to my husband, sat at a table whilst my son was dying on the floors above, whilst people moved around me doing normal things. Then we went back and sat with him until he died.

His funeral was the best day I've had since he died (it was unexpected, he went from being perfectly healthy then being taken into hospital and dying)

The funeral was the last day it was all about him, it was all his birthdays and Christmas' and life all rolled into one. At his 'wake' his friends laughed and played, we all did. We shared stories, I didn't cry.

And then when most people had left and the remaining children returned to grandparents, we went for the booziest, most expensive dinner I have ever had. And it was lovely, he was there with us all that day. The last day that was just for him.

And the day after his funeral I couldn't get out of bed for four days.

I know that people post with an agenda, but judging grief of anyone is wrong.

OP posts:

Letsgoforaskip · 10/04/2023 09:53

I am so very sorry that you lost your son. The funeral day sounds awesome. You did him proud. ❤️💐

Emotionalsupportviper · 10/04/2023 09:55

I know that people post with an agenda, but judging grief of anyone is wrong.

This. ⬆

We cope as we need to. We still need to eat, sleep, have downtime, even though we may feel we are going through the motions of living because we are numb with grief.

I'm so sorry about your son @SunsetandCupcakes . What a terrible thing to happen.

Kentlassie · 10/04/2023 09:56

totally agree OP. I had a similar experience- dd went from fine to turning her life support off within 48 hours. Until people have been in this situation (and most won’t ever be), they have no right to judge.

Emotionalsupportviper · 10/04/2023 09:58

SpideysMummy · 10/04/2023 09:43

Anyone who judges a grieving mother for feeding herself, or a grieving son from getting some fresh air, or anyone who is grieving for taking some time to themselves in any respect, is a twat.

This should be over the entrance to every hospital, religious building, funeral director and counsellor's office.

Grief is intensely personal, and none of us should be judged on how we cope with it.

Felixss · 10/04/2023 09:58

My dad went on holiday while his mum was dying. I sat and held her hand I was 17 , I don't blame him I don't think he could handle it.

Battlecat98 · 10/04/2023 09:59

Sorry OP it has to be the worst loss. No one has the right to judge how you act or feel. Please don't think about it again. Keep your headspace for something far more valuable.

sandberry · 10/04/2023 09:59

My child was the first big death I’ve experienced and what struck me strongly about it was the mundanity.
This is a tragedy but you’re still hungry, you still need the loo, you’re still you. Nobody can spend 8/10/12 hours or more holding/sitting beside their dying child and cry and wail. Life asserts itself alongside death. And Death if it happens over time and in its immediate aftermath is often busy.

There’s a quote from Dr Who that strongly resonated with me when my daughter died “The day you lose someone isn't the worst -at least you've got something to do- it's all the days they stay dead”

For me that was absolutely true. Grief was and is a process but the day she died I was actually mostly fine, relieved even.

SkiingIsHeaven · 10/04/2023 10:00

Sorry for your loss.

You did nothing wrong. You need to keep your strength up when you are looking after seriously ill children.

Everyone has to eat. Don't beat yourself up.

ChardonnaysBeastlyCat · 10/04/2023 10:02

No one can or should tell you how to grieve. It’s the most personal feeling ever. It’s a evaluation of life, loss and it’s immense.

Anyone who feels they can criticise a bereaved person is not someone worth knowing.

the80sweregreat · 10/04/2023 10:04

I'm so sorry for your loss.
My late fil ( 93) was dying in hospital and we had been there for a few hours , we went to get a cup of tea and an ice cream as it was boiling hot and when we returned he only lived for another twenty minutes or so.
You still need to eat and drink , go to the toilet , maybe sort out hospital parking fees , life still has to go on and people have to eat and carry on doing everyday things.

KettrickenSmiled · 10/04/2023 10:05

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 10/04/2023 09:21

What? Op are you ok?

Floofs, there is a sanctimonious post decrying Charles for taking some time away from the Queen's bedside to go mushroom picking while she was dying. I suspect this is in response to that Goady Fuckery.

teadrinkingalldaylong34 · 10/04/2023 10:06

sending hugs to you my sister years ago never shed a tear at her then partners funeral i dont think she ever did they had a son together she just went home got on with life like nothing happend long back story to it tho but no i would not judge anyone .

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 10/04/2023 10:06

Oh OP. You didn’t eat a burger and fries to have a nice time - you ate what food you could get to nourish your body for the ordeal you were going through. Anyone who judges you for that needs their head examining. His funeral sounds incredible, what a way to honour your wonderful boy. I’m so sorry you had to go through this.

Lillygolightly · 10/04/2023 10:08

When my son died I was in the bereavement suite in hospital with my son in a cool cot. I was staying the night and decided I needed some fresh air before bed. When outside I ran into another mum who had just given birth too, she told me all about her baby and then asked about mine and so I told the truth and said my baby had sadly died. Watching her face fall was so awful and then when she struggled to find the right words the moments seemed to last forever, then she left. The next lady that came out and started chatting about her new baby, and without thinking lied and said mine was upstairs sleeping.

I decided not to have a funeral for my boy as at the time I couldn’t bare to put myself, his dad and our other children through it. It is something I now regret, but my boy is loved, remembered, missed and thought about every single day.

Grief is very individual and no one should ever judge someone for how they grieve, or indeed how long the grieve for.

It was so lovely to read about the beautiful send off you gave to your son. 💐

user1492757084 · 10/04/2023 10:10

You are right in every respect about grieving.
So sorry for your loss.

KOrca · 10/04/2023 10:10

Grief is not an isolated event, it is forever. You will deal with it differently in different moments until the end of your life.
Ultimately it sounds like that moment in the hospital wasn't about anything other than Mazlo's hierarchy of needs.. you have to eat, sleep, be warm, have an empty bladder, etc. before being able to do anything else. Don't let people make you feel bad for you meeting your needs - fuck 'em!

IsolatedWilderness · 10/04/2023 10:11

Lillygolightly · 10/04/2023 10:08

Grief is very individual and no one should ever judge someone for how they grieve, or indeed how long the grieve for.

It was so lovely to read about the beautiful send off you gave to your son. 💐

I'm sorry for your loss. I do find disclosing a deceased child a great conversation stopper. When people ask I tell them about my children and they ask about the one I didn't mention. Often that's the end of the conversation.

Maireas · 10/04/2023 10:12

OP, thank you for your post. To you and all the others on here who have loved and lost 💐❤️.
I saw that thread and couldn't believe it, but so many people have responded well to it, echoing my own sentiments. I think it's all been said. 👏

Barbecuebeans · 10/04/2023 10:13

We went out for brunch on the day a much loved relative died. We cried and we laughed that day.

We were all heartbroken and we still are a number of years later.

Eating food and sharing stories is not a measure of our grief. We'll never get over it completely.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Sending love. Deal with your grief any way you can.

Maireas · 10/04/2023 10:13

@IsolatedWilderness - you're so right. Same, @Lillygolightly . It's a conversation stopper, but sometimes you do want to talk about it. Sometimes you don't. 🌻

KettrickenSmiled · 10/04/2023 10:14

I am so sorry that awful thread pierced you, Sunset.
As PP have said, the poster who started it got a flea in the ear & hasn't been brave enough to return - so you know that the vast majority support you.

to all bereaved parents.
Your description of your boy's send-off was beautiful OP.

Fixyourself · 10/04/2023 10:16

Tell us about him.x

endofthelinefinally · 10/04/2023 10:16

I have cried every day since my son died, but nobody knows or sees. I am just getting on with things as far as anybody knows. What choice do I have? Other people need me.

InSpainTheRain · 10/04/2023 10:18

So sorry for your loss, honestly I can't being to imagine what you are going through. You are right there is no "right way" to grieve. You describe eating a burger/fries whilst your son was in hospital - have you had criticism for this? I think most people wouldn't judge you, so if there are people judging then perhaps distance yourself from them for a bit. Concentrate on all the happy memories you have from your son and I hope you feel better soon.

endofthelinefinally · 10/04/2023 10:19

Sorry, posted too soon due to interrupting husband.
I am so sorry for your loss OP.
You cope in whatever way you can. Nobody has the right to judge.

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