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Original poster

I am so done.

68 replies

roaringwater · 09/04/2023 22:25

Will try to keep this short.

Household is me, DH, DD (19), DS (18) and DS (17). We have family but nobody within 150 miles.

I've always gone all out on Christmas, birthdays, Easter etc to make it a lovely family occasion. I've come to the realisation that there's seriously only me that cares.

Today, I have got up early and put Easter eggs out for everyone. I bought myself one I liked the look of because I knew that otherwise I would get nothing / get whatever was left in Sainsbury's on Saturday night. I don't really mind this. I have a good job; I can buy myself flowers etc etc...
I've had a cursory "thanks" but not sure anyone actually cared that much.

We were going to eat in the evening to fit around DD's shift at work. I made 3 courses with 2 different main course choices to accommodate dietary preferences. This was for 6 of us as it included DD's boyfriend. Nobody came anywhere near me to help. We had a pleasant enough meal after which DH cleared up while all 4 young people vanished like snow in the sunshine. DH has now gone off to do a Peloton session and I am sitting on my own with only the dog for company.

I'm not really even upset: I just wonder why I bother with the time, expense and effort of a Proper Family Easter when there's only me that is actually bothered. It's just not how I was raised and it saddens me that nobody on the household values this sort of thing.

I'm done. Going to stop bothering. I will take myself out to lunch somewhere lovely instead. With the dog.

OP posts:
PriamFarrl · 09/04/2023 22:28

Stop bothering. TBH the children are of an age now when they most likely don’t care.

I had this sudden realisation a few Christmases ago that we do most everything because we think other people want it. So I decided that I would have the Christmas I wanted and that was that.

TheJanitor · 09/04/2023 22:28

Did anyone ask you to do all that? Presumably you do it because you enjoy it. If you don't enjoy it, stop doing it. If you want help with the cooking, ask for help. Seriously - you don't need to be a martyr for your almost adult children.

justanothermummma · 09/04/2023 22:30

I'm with you OP after spending my birthday/Easter weekend alone while my OH was away.

I make a huge deal out of Christmas, Birthdays etc. I got a card saying 'sorry I'm away' and a Toblerone whereas I do thoughtful things, make nice lunches, plan days out.

I'm also done, same as you! They'll notice when it stops. Can you imagine next Easter when no-one gets an egg and the kids are heartbroken? Because if I don't it, who will?

Original poster
roaringwater · 09/04/2023 22:31

@TheJanitor no, to be fair, nobody asked for it.
Agree 100% about the martyrdom thing. I've always done it because I enjoyed feeling like I was making a home life and creating traditions that everyone would value. If that isn't the case, I can't see a lot of point.

OP posts:
ReadersD1gest · 09/04/2023 22:34

They're kind of past the age where a Proper Sunday Lunch and a chocolate egg is worth hanging around for, tbf.

Original poster
roaringwater · 09/04/2023 22:40

Maybe I was just a really sad teenager then because I used to love this kind of stuff when I lived at home. My happiest memories are big family occasions, meals that went on for hours etc.
I get it's not for everyone, and by 'everyine', clearly I mean my own offspring.
I'm literally stopping. Riding off into the future with only Charlie Bigham for company.

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 09/04/2023 22:43

but it sounds like you had a lovely meal all together, and everyone enjoyed it, but no one feels obliged to hang around out of duty - it sounds happy and relaxed to me

VivaVivaa · 09/04/2023 22:43

Sorry you’ve had a disappointing day. Teens aren’t exactly known for their empathy and gratitude. They probably just have really different priorities to you right now and creating traditions and a picture perfect home isn’t particularly important to them. If doing these things doesn’t make you happy then stop - I think you’ll be waiting a while for praise and thanks from teenagers for something they haven’t really asked for or have much interest in.

JaneFondue · 09/04/2023 22:44

Don't bother doing stuff for adult kids. You have done enough for them. Focus on yourself.

Disneyblueeyes · 09/04/2023 22:45

I get why you're sad, especially if this was always something you enjoyed at your age.

However teens that age I wouldn't expect them to openly 'enjoy' it. I mean they probably did, but they're probably far more fussed about going off and doing their own thing. Priorities are different.
When I was that age I was always quick to jump away from the dinner table and go upstairs to chat to my mates on MSN messenger...

I suppose what I'm saying is, try not to take it personally. Don't go over the top in future.
Enjoy your downtime!

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 09/04/2023 22:46

Around 25 mine came back to appreciating this stuff and asking for It. I think late teen is definitely the low point.

Disneyblueeyes · 09/04/2023 22:46

Sorry always enjoyed at 'that' age, not your age 🤣

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 09/04/2023 22:48

I went past all
Of the extra work at Easter a couple
Of years ago and Xmas last year I was really
Rough.

Nobody would have been bothered if we hadn't had a roast either way and we weren't altogether due to working schedules etc

Easter the last two years have consisted on eggs for the kids teens and tween and lunch out somewhere and a chill out at home

Today we had a nice lie in, a lunch out not far from home then came home and did some stuff in the garden then we've sat in front of the tv on my iPad and phone and chilled.

Xmas this year has been decided no Xmas roast
Everyone will be choosing what they want for their Xmas day meal (steak and chips for me)

And we are not entertaining in laws for hours on end either Xmas day morning or Xmas eve.

We are at a different phase now the dc are growing and grown up

Yours are older teens op.

Stop trying to create the magic that gives you so much stress and frustration

Make the most of having a day off

Stripycatz · 09/04/2023 22:48

Mine are this age. I include them in the planning with strategic use of the word 'we': "what are we all doing for Easter?" "Shall we have lunch on the Sunday?" "Are we getting each other eggs this year?"
Where there is a lack of interest, I plan something I'd like to do with friends or wider family members instead.

Luredbyapomegranate · 09/04/2023 22:50

I think they probably enjoyed it more than you think. Teens are often selfish beings and they are v focused on peers rather than family - it’s a natural life stage.

As a PP says, they often come back to properly appreciating it at 25 or so.

However, you probably do need to do a reassess of what you do, so you don’t feel resentful about the effort you’ve put in.

Original poster
roaringwater · 09/04/2023 22:55

Thanks all, lots of interesting thoughts here.

I live in hope that around 25 or so, we might appreciate family life a bit more. Or not. Whatever.

One thing I am doing now they're all older is making sure that DH and I are never more than a month away from another mini-adventure, e.g. hotel weekend or theatre tickets or similar. I am all about living in the moment for us rather than looking to a houseful of late teens for affirmation and self esteem!

OP posts:
JaneFondue · 09/04/2023 22:57

Today we took our 18 yr old out DS for Thai lunch and a walk in the sun. 22 year old DD is away with friends.

Then I spent the early evening reading crime fiction while teen went to see a friend, and DH went to see John Wick. We are in a different phase.

Crikeyalmighty · 09/04/2023 22:59

@roaringwater - that's a healthy way to think. I'm afraid young adults without kids just don't necessarily feel the way you do about particular days or traditions - our son is now 24 and just doesn't place the same importance on things as I might have done -

JaneFondue · 09/04/2023 23:02

Not looking for affirmation from young adults is a very good idea. Though it's hard, after so many years of doing stuff for them.

Wilkolampshade · 09/04/2023 23:02

Sorry you had a shit day OP. Happy happy Easter.
We've had this kind of behaviour in the past so, knowing it was my birthday today, i organised to meet mine (21 and 23) at Kew and then booked a pub lunch for us all.
Worked a treat, (mainly because I paid😂) but also because we were out, everyone HAD to behave and I chose to do what I wanted. Best of all, no washing up! And incredibly, DD's arrived with flowers and Easter eggs! So pleased. I would recommend this way of doing it - gives everyone a chance to shine.
Better luck next year OP. Xx

JaneFondue · 09/04/2023 23:04

I also recommend going out if you want your taciturn teens to talk to you.

TheUsualChaos · 09/04/2023 23:08

Don't give up, hopefully they will come back again and realise how lovely it all is. They are at that very self absorbed age. Just as I was reaching the age I started to value all these things and family time again, my DM passed away. I wish to God she was still here to buy me an Easter Egg and treat me to a Sunday lunch.

Sittwritt · 09/04/2023 23:10

Your kids are grown ups so you’ve done your share. Start going out for pub lunches from now guilt free, less cooking for you.

I don’t like the kids disappearing idea…you should incorporate a coffee together in the garden to give you some more time to chat together.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 09/04/2023 23:12

OP, I don't think you're a martyr at all. What you have been doing sounds lovely.
I'm curious about the expectations you have of your family and what you've taught your children about family. I wonder if you have raised them to help in the kitchen, and tidying up, particularly for special occasions or if you've always done it all yourself. What are your meal times like? Lingering and chatting at the table, or everyone helping themselves when hungry and eating in front of tv, their rooms etc? If raised mire casually then it makes sense that not much would change just because it's a holiday. Do you generally enjoy each other's company and hang out together? Or, again, are you all quite independent? There's no right or wrong. Every family is different. If you would like something a little more special, warmer, maybe chat with the family before the next special day/holiday and ask for input to make the next holiday special and get everyone involved, "now that you're older." Share what your fondest memories are From your own upbringing and ask what your family likes most. Play some silly games; take turns telling favourite family memories. Maybe with a bit of collaboration a bit more interest will be sparked. You sound line a great mum who probably had just always tried (and succeeded) to make a lovely day for everyone 💖

MobyJeff · 09/04/2023 23:14

I felt precisely this way about 10 years ago, OP. I realised I was doing it mostly for me and stopped. Then I lost my husband and my grown kids came back to stay for a while and we had some astonishing conversations. I realised that a lot of what I knew about my adult children was a complete fabrication. A projection that I had constructed in my head from my own memories. It was truly humbling the way they talked about their childhoods and their upbringing. It didn’t really match the way I remembered at all. They remembered bits I’d completely forgotten and valued the stuff that was just throwaway bits to me. They both were very nostalgic about it and they told me so in what they said and the way they said it.

So, you’re not wrong, they probably don’t care about the things you do, but they care very much about som things that you don’t even think about.

My daughter is now a mummy, and she does things very much her own way. But watching her, I can see the influence of her upbringing.