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Original poster

I am so done.

68 replies

roaringwater · 09/04/2023 22:25

Will try to keep this short.

Household is me, DH, DD (19), DS (18) and DS (17). We have family but nobody within 150 miles.

I've always gone all out on Christmas, birthdays, Easter etc to make it a lovely family occasion. I've come to the realisation that there's seriously only me that cares.

Today, I have got up early and put Easter eggs out for everyone. I bought myself one I liked the look of because I knew that otherwise I would get nothing / get whatever was left in Sainsbury's on Saturday night. I don't really mind this. I have a good job; I can buy myself flowers etc etc...
I've had a cursory "thanks" but not sure anyone actually cared that much.

We were going to eat in the evening to fit around DD's shift at work. I made 3 courses with 2 different main course choices to accommodate dietary preferences. This was for 6 of us as it included DD's boyfriend. Nobody came anywhere near me to help. We had a pleasant enough meal after which DH cleared up while all 4 young people vanished like snow in the sunshine. DH has now gone off to do a Peloton session and I am sitting on my own with only the dog for company.

I'm not really even upset: I just wonder why I bother with the time, expense and effort of a Proper Family Easter when there's only me that is actually bothered. It's just not how I was raised and it saddens me that nobody on the household values this sort of thing.

I'm done. Going to stop bothering. I will take myself out to lunch somewhere lovely instead. With the dog.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 10/04/2023 10:32

Ah, OP, don’t despair. It’ll all come around again in the future and one day they’ll be hosting you. I think your only problem at this stage of life (late teens) is that you didn’t have an older generation e.g. grandparents that they needed to hang out and be polite to!

SpecialMangeTout · 10/04/2023 10:39

I read your post @roaringwater and had a very different reaction.

I thought your dcs (and DH?) are taking everything for granted. You are there, as always, making things nice for everyone whilst not expecting anyone to help or do anything.
And that was fine when they were 10yo. Nit so much now that they are older teens/adults.

Im not sure your dcs don’t care. More that they dint feel they need to be involved at all. They haven’t move into the ‘im an adult that should pitch in and care for other people, incl my mum’ iyswim.

Peridot1 · 10/04/2023 10:41

It’s hard isn’t it? Teens/early 20s stage can be so self centred. Mine is 21 and although at uni he’s doing it all on line so is here all the time. And we’ve spoilt him so do everything. Thankfully DH cooks etc so it’s not all on me.

I’ve realised neither DH nor DS are bothered by any extras so yesterday we just did a normal Sunday roast. DH cooked. I bought DS some mini eggs and a packet of sweets he likes rather than an Easter egg.

I love the whole making something special of an occasion or booking a meal out but neither of them do so we don’t bother.

DS is moving away in September to do a Masters and I’m hoping that will make him appreciate home more! Although he did live away for part of his second year but came home as he didn’t like sharing a house with others.

I find it hard too as he’s an only child so conversation can be difficult. He’s quite quiet too. I grew up one of four so loved the big family occasions.

SpecialMangeTout · 10/04/2023 10:43

JaneFondue · 10/04/2023 10:03

I used to yearn for time on my own when DC were little. And now I yearn for time with them. It's precious, so I try to spend as little time as I can feeling hard done by.

Parenthood, eh?

I agree too.

And that’s why special occasions are important for me. It’s an ‘excuse’ to bring the whole family together and have a nice time.

I do though involve everyone. From dressing the table, tidying up etc…
Just like I would for any other meals.
Weve had time when everyone had to prepare something they chose for tte meal etc….

SpecialMangeTout · 10/04/2023 10:45

I love the whole making something special of an occasion or booking a meal out but neither of them do so we don’t bother. P

In some ways, I think it’s sad.
Because what you are aging is that what you want and care about isn’t as important than what your DH and dc care about and want.

Peridot1 · 10/04/2023 10:55

It is sad @SpecialMangeTout. But it’s no fun going out for a meal with two people who don’t want to be there. We do it occasionally as sometimes I insist.

DH will usually suggest he cooks a nice meal instead of going out and he does so it’s not as if I’m left to do everything.

Bleakhouser · 10/04/2023 11:09

I’m sorry that you feel your efforts were unappreciated and I’m sure it’s down to the ages of your kids rather than anything you’ve done wrong.

however I’m the adult ‘child’ in this position where my DM insists on making a huge deal of Christmas, runs herself ragged making roasts for everyone, spends a fortune on a huge Turkey which needs basting and brining and cooked for hours, is a complete martyr for days about it all.

my sibling and I would much rather just have a chicken or a takeaway and relax over Christmas but we have to go along with a stressful experience because that’s what our DM wants. Even if she then complains that we are unappreciative about something we’ve never wanted or asked for.

maybe there is a happy medium for your family?

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 10/04/2023 11:21

They’ll come back to you one day.

CovertImage · 10/04/2023 11:33

Limer · 10/04/2023 08:11

Good for you, what a shame it's taken this long for you to realise!

Plenty of children, husbands and partners think that the various women facilitating their lovely family celebrations are doing it all because they want to.

Not half!

I love all the posters saying don't worry, they'll come back when they're 25. What, so she can start doing it all over again - but at least they'll appreciate it this time?

Sod that for a lark

JaneFondue · 10/04/2023 11:59

CovertImage · 10/04/2023 11:33

Not half!

I love all the posters saying don't worry, they'll come back when they're 25. What, so she can start doing it all over again - but at least they'll appreciate it this time?

Sod that for a lark

Show quote history

😄

Softoprider · 10/04/2023 12:07

OP I thought you were going to say someone had eaten your egg :)

My first thought as a mother and grandmother is that you do too much and it is expected because you always do it so STOP being so thoughtful.
Start thinking of you a bit more. You and your husband could have gone out for a meal and left the grown up children to get their own since it is Easter for all of you... You are not the unpaid help -you are the mother in this family - the glue that holds everything together and appreciation of your efforts will have to be directed by you since they let you do everything else.

Skybluepinky · 10/04/2023 13:24

Did u ask them if that’s what they wanted or just assumed it was?
Adult/older children often can’t be bothered with all the fuss and see it as pointless, they’d rather be doing something else.
Often what parents see as important their children don’t, if u don’t want to bother next year don’t, but don’t waste time overthinking it.

alwaysmovingforwards · 10/04/2023 13:25

They tend to be more grateful when they've moved out. They're then having to do it all themselves, so when someone else makes them a nice dinner they're much more appreciative because they better understand the prep and time that went into it.

Well that's what happened with mine.

SpecialMangeTout · 10/04/2023 13:35

Skybluepinky · 10/04/2023 13:24

Did u ask them if that’s what they wanted or just assumed it was?
Adult/older children often can’t be bothered with all the fuss and see it as pointless, they’d rather be doing something else.
Often what parents see as important their children don’t, if u don’t want to bother next year don’t, but don’t waste time overthinking it.

Do you only do things that your dcs want or do you expect them to do stuff that YOU enjoy, even if they could take it or leave it?

The amount if posters who seem to live their life according to their dcs wishes and never expect them to have said dcs to do things fir them, who basically put themselves right at the bottom of the pile, never cesse to amaze me….

Original poster
roaringwater · 10/04/2023 17:27

Wow, this took off!

I was only really having a halfhearted moan about it; didn't really anticipate this level of response! Thank you all for your thoughts.

I think I do this sort of thing for a couple of reasons:

  1. It's how things were done when I was a child and I feel like I had a really lovely childhood so I wanted to recreate this for my own children.
  2. I genuinely enjoy sitting round having a prolonged family meal with good food and good conversation.

I can make a glorified roast dinner in my sleep so it's not really that it creates that much stress and effort, but yes, on some level I would love it if everyone said "That was so nice, thank you mum" with some degree of authenticity.

However, I've realised that I am the only person in the family who cares about this sort of thing so I shan't continue flogging this particular dead horse.

It's not martyrdom if you nope out of it.

OP posts:
WoeBeCome · 10/04/2023 17:31

I wonder if part of it is a different age. Back when you were younger, there was no other entertainment. Now everyone has phones etc which could be more appealing than a long meal.

KinderCat · 10/04/2023 17:32

What I will say is they probably don't care atm. I was a cow as a teen especially once I found boys and barely stand big family things BUT 20 years on and goodness do I love the memories of like those ones together and they are what I want to replicate with my own children. I am not saying yours are definitely like this but from my own life and from my work in secondary there is a good chance they appreciate you more than you know. Teens really are just the worst at expressing themselves and, like us all, benefit from hindsight no end... either way no harm in a little more you time OP.

JaneFondue · 10/04/2023 18:15

roaringwater · 10/04/2023 17:27

Wow, this took off!

I was only really having a halfhearted moan about it; didn't really anticipate this level of response! Thank you all for your thoughts.

I think I do this sort of thing for a couple of reasons:

  1. It's how things were done when I was a child and I feel like I had a really lovely childhood so I wanted to recreate this for my own children.
  2. I genuinely enjoy sitting round having a prolonged family meal with good food and good conversation.

I can make a glorified roast dinner in my sleep so it's not really that it creates that much stress and effort, but yes, on some level I would love it if everyone said "That was so nice, thank you mum" with some degree of authenticity.

However, I've realised that I am the only person in the family who cares about this sort of thing so I shan't continue flogging this particular dead horse.

It's not martyrdom if you nope out of it.

It's kicked off because many of us feel that way..Unappreciated. Just that some of us have had more years to get used to it.

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