I am so done.

[roaringwater]

Will try to keep this short.

Household is me, DH, DD (19), DS (18) and DS (17). We have family but nobody within 150 miles.

I've always gone all out on Christmas, birthdays, Easter etc to make it a lovely family occasion. I've come to the realisation that there's seriously only me that cares.

Today, I have got up early and put Easter eggs out for everyone. I bought myself one I liked the look of because I knew that otherwise I would get nothing / get whatever was left in Sainsbury's on Saturday night. I don't really mind this. I have a good job; I can buy myself flowers etc etc...
I've had a cursory "thanks" but not sure anyone actually cared that much.

We were going to eat in the evening to fit around DD's shift at work. I made 3 courses with 2 different main course choices to accommodate dietary preferences. This was for 6 of us as it included DD's boyfriend. Nobody came anywhere near me to help. We had a pleasant enough meal after which DH cleared up while all 4 young people vanished like snow in the sunshine. DH has now gone off to do a Peloton session and I am sitting on my own with only the dog for company.

I'm not really even upset: I just wonder why I bother with the time, expense and effort of a Proper Family Easter when there's only me that is actually bothered. It's just not how I was raised and it saddens me that nobody on the household values this sort of thing.

I'm done. Going to stop bothering. I will take myself out to lunch somewhere lovely instead. With the dog.

My kids are similar ages to yours. I used to do the big roast dinner on Sundays and go all out for special occasions. But now everyone is on different schedules so I mostly just cook handy-to-reheat food and leave them to it.
I think it's just a phase and when they are older, and maybe parents themselves, they'll appreciate family dinners and special occasions again.

Sounds pretty normal to me and what parents do. However maybe you need to be more direct in asking your husband for help? I realised today that I literally arrange everything and do everything like you do and I got a bit annoyed at my husband. It’s worth it to see the kids happy but seems my husband needs a list of instructions if he’s to help out with holiday prep…he’s always happy to leave it all to me.

For what it's worth, I bet one day they'll look back on all the things you did for them with gratitude and a really warm feeling. I think that's why I do things sometimes. I want them to be able to look back and remember how much they were loved. That's the hope, anyway That being said, if it's getting you down or not worth the faff, you absolutely don't have to keep doing it!

But it's so sad isn't it. It should be appreciated. It's sad it's not. These are important values that disappear if not maintained. I believe dc my ds's ages are just so entitled.

The children have entered that age where they don't really want to do much with their parents. They will more than likely return to being family centric in their mid 20s however, and maybe with some grandchildren. Maybe use these years to rediscover a hobby or something?

You sound like an utterly fabulous mum.

Fabulous!

They know that, of course they do.

You can still be fabulous without cooking and planning this stuff you know!

Fabulous lady!! 😊

I remember not really appreciating that kind of thing around that age. You don't really understand the amount of effort, work and cost. However, since I've become a proper adult (say post uni) I LOVE this. I'm so grateful for my mum/sister/husband/grandma/family making this type of effort and it brings pure joy.
So, hopefully it'll be great fun again soon!

Good for you, what a shame it's taken this long for you to realise!

Plenty of children, husbands and partners think that the various women facilitating their lovely family celebrations are doing it all because they want to.

This is such a thoughtful thread. My DC are 18 and 16 and definitely don’t seem to care about family activities but I have put so much care and effort into giving them stability and tradition that I don’t want to flip to doing nothing at all now. I’m trying to gradually cut down eg yesterday I got them eggs but we didn’t have a family meal.

I agree with @Oblomov23 that it's not hard to show a bit of appreciation. I think we often excuse young adults and teenagers too much.
I got to the point, similar ages to yours, where I asked who wanted what from family traditions (like you, OP, I really value these from my own experiences and wanted to create them for my own family). Turns out they wanted pretty much everything we did so I then divided it up into jobs. Now we all have different responsibilities when there's a big family meal going on, and my DC (all aged 35 onwards) do their fair share. It's probably my DH who is the most entitled!

I think it's very easy to fall into the trap of doing things because you think that's what you should be doing.

I imagine a lot of people are trying to recreate their own childhoods, or maybe they're trying to give their children what they feel they missed out on themselves.

When I look back on my childhood I remember lots of totally random things, none of which were really planned or orchestrated - they just happened. My mum remembers all the stuff she put lots of effort into

Of course that doesn't mean I don't appreciate all the stuff my mum and dad did for me, but I do think what parents remember and value and what children remember and value are very very different sometimes.

my dc have flown the nest. I am now at the stage where I 100% want them to know I’m here for them if they need me, 100% they have a loving home here with me if they need it. But also that I am doing my own thing and enjoying my own life. It seems to be working.

Sorry you’re feeling unappreciated op. I would be too. They will come back. I know I did and my dc did too

It sounds to me like you have made the classic mistake of 'doing to much' and it is now expected.

If my 17.18 19 yr old and boyfriend had left a table without offering to help - they would be asked what on Earth they thought they were doing !.

I wouldn't shrug it off , nor would I be a martyr. Luckily my kids are not rude, self absorbed or lazy . Not only would they have helped wash/clear up. They would also of been doing the cooking ...

however.. some people seem to have been bought up in a very strange way..

Love the idea of being a month or less away from fun. I think we do this anyway most of the time but from now on will make sure we do!

I do this too; arrange a lot of fun stuff out for myself solo, with DH or with my friends. Also, I only cook elaborate meals for DH. He is appreciative and has no friends, so always around:) The rest of the family can eat what I make, or make their own.

Late teens is a tricky time. My two girls were a bit thoughtless and self centered at that age and wouldn't have appreciated the effort it takes to make a lovely celebratory meal.

They're almost 30 and 25 now and love getting together for a meal and a nice wholesome afternoon of playing Cards Against Humanity

I think it helps that they no longer live at home so they enjoying coming over for a meal or to sit in the garden when it's sunny. They both turned up with eggs for each other and us (which they wouldn't have done as late teens)

You're doing the right thing with all your mini adventures, it's so important to do things as a couple, my girls moved out at around the same time, one to uni and one to work and it was hard to adjust, I missed them so much. The fact that we had holidays booked and concerts/gigs to go to made the transition som much easier.

Do you ever say could someone give me a hand? I'd be happy for
the peace and quiet after cooking sunday dinner, feet up with the dog.

This sounds really tough OP, and you sound like a lovely Mum. I'm nowhere near this stage as I have very young DC. However, speaking from the other end of things (currently in the trenches), I am yearning for the day when DH and I get more time together to do adult things like long walks, pubs, weekends away, Museum dates, cinema, theatre etc! All impossible now (no family nearby either).

Could you start to shift your focus onto that sort of thing - ie wonderful experiences with your DH, now that your children are presumably going to move out / get jobs / go to uni?

They will come back when they are a bit older as others have said, but at this stage maybe just say "let's all meet at X pub for lunch" and then make your own plans for the rest of the bank holiday?

A few years ago I stopped doing it all.
I had just had enough of carrying the mental load of every occasion.
Yesterday we had a lovely brunch and then me and dp went out for dinner and had a walk.
Christmas is a much more chilled adult affair now.
Winter walks, movies, lovely food but non of the faff.

I used to yearn for time on my own when DC were little. And now I yearn for time with them. It's precious, so I try to spend as little time as I can feeling hard done by.

Parenthood, eh?

Take away next Easter, OP.

Go away for a weekend break next year
Or book a nice lunch for you and your H.

You sounds great though.

I so agree with this. Mine are 21,19 and 17 and feel I barely see any of them tho I do "force" meals etc and we actually went bowling the other night (organised by me). Everyone agreed it was fun and should do similar stuff more often!

I think it is in doing these things, the children know their family is there and it provides a good grounding even if they don't outwardly appear to appreciate it. In years to come, when they have families of their own they will value and appreciate it more.

I think you need to work out what you want from these days and articulate this to your family. This is where communication is really important.

I wonder whether your children think they are doing this ‘for you’ whereas you think you’re doing it ‘for them’. So they think by being present is enough. They could be under the misconception that you actually enjoy the process. The cooking and preparation as well as the tidying up afterwards. You might hate every moment of the preparation but think the kids enjoy the outcome - the meal, so endure the time and mess it takes.

I think let the disappointment dissipate and then be honest. Say that you couldn’t help but feel a little deflated and ask them what they would like going forward. Would they prefer something more simple or bought in?

We cook a lamb joint overnight in the slow cooker and serve it with a shop bought potato gratin and roasted veggies etc. it’s literally no bother at all. Everyone eats and buggers off and DP and I have a conversation and pudding is just shop bought cake or similar. You can have a nice meal without a lot of drama.