Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

TW - was this rape? Or taking advantage?

68 replies

aureliala · 07/04/2023 18:33

Last weekend I went on a (rare) night out and got far too drunk. Usually I don’t get into such a state but I could barely form a text message. I drunk texted my ex who I’ve recently broken up with and he was worried that I wouldn’t get home safe but my friend’s boyfriend gave me a lift back. My ex was parked outside mine when I was dropped off and he was fuming with me because I was so drunk and because I’d “ignored” him all day, until the texting.

I remember going into my house and the room spinning. I don’t remember taking my clothes off or many details of what happened. But he went from standing in my doorway saying that I shouldn’t have got into such a state, to then having sex with me. I remember being on top of him and him saying he was going to fuck me in the arse 🤦🏻‍♀️ (sorry tmi). I then remember him repeatedly fingering that, ahem, area which happened so fast I couldn’t stop it. I felt as though I was drifting in and out of sleep, but I remember kissing him and going down on him (whether he asked me to or not I really can’t remember). I was very aware that he didn’t have a condom and neither did I, so we stopped. I then remember laying on my side and him pushing his penis towards my bum and me not wanting it. I remember the pain and I remember him ejaculating. I also remember going to the bathroom afterwards and then falling asleep immediately after getting back into bed.

I woke up the next morning and he’d left for work. He was still sending me messages saying how annoyed he was that he’d not heard from me in days and then I drunk message him. But it didn’t stop him from having sex with me?

We broke up because we were arguing so much and he was borderline controlling and insecure.

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 07/04/2023 18:38

Christ that’s awful OP. You weren’t in a fit state to consent to any of that. A decent bloke would have made you drink a pint of water and put you to bed 🙁

LBFseBrom · 07/04/2023 18:38

That was rape. You were not in a fit state to make decisions about whether or not to have sex and we all know that alcohol disinhibits; he knew that very well and took advantage. As for going up your bum - blimey!

I'm glad for your sake he is an ex, please keep it that way.

DedicatedFollowerOfFashion84 · 07/04/2023 18:41

I am so sorry you’ve had this experience. It certainly sounds like you weren’t in a position to consent, and absolutely that you made it clear you didn’t want him anywhere near your anus. That alone is rape. It doesn’t matter how drunk you were, none of that is your fault and I’d definitely consider seeking some support to process it, even if you don’t want to pursue it legally

FoolsOld · 07/04/2023 18:50

Oh my love, I'm so sorry this happened to you. In my eyes, it was rape. He clearly knew how drunk you were and still had sex with you. He is not a good man.

aureliala · 07/04/2023 19:21

I’ve been downplaying it just so that I don’t have to see it for what it is really. But this has happened before when we were on holiday, and I was sober. That time was anal too but I blatantly said no and didn’t want it. Why the hell did I stay with him 😢

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 07/04/2023 19:25

It's rape. Report him. I'm so sorry Flowers

Irridescantshimmmer · 07/04/2023 19:25

That was definatly rape OP, you could not consent and he took advantage.

SeraphinaDombegh · 07/04/2023 19:28

I'm so sorry OP but that was definitely rape. You were obviously incapable of meaningful consent. Do you feel able to report it? Flowers

aureliala · 07/04/2023 19:33

I really don’t think I can bring myself to report it. The police wouldn’t be able to do much without evidence, would they? I can’t believe this is the same man who’s listened to me talk about being abused in a previous relationship. He’s no better.

OP posts:
AnotherDelphinium · 07/04/2023 19:37

If you’ve got the messages from him about you being in such a state you’ve got more than sufficient evidence that you couldn’t consent.

However, the longer you leave it, the less chance of their being physical evidence of it. Have you changed/washed sheets etc?

Northernsouloldies · 07/04/2023 19:41

He's a fucking predator and a rapist. He took his opportunity to commit a sex act on you that you didn't want whilst you were unable to give informed consent and he done this to you whilst he was sober.

YukoandHiro · 07/04/2023 19:42

Report him. You weren't in a state to consent. And report him for the other time too. The fact that you were partners then isn't relevant. Rape is rape.

herlightmaterials · 07/04/2023 19:44

Definitely tape. I'm so sorry.

However I think you have no chance of getting a conviction with our awful justice system unless you can get him to admit he knew you were in no fit state.

herlightmaterials · 07/04/2023 19:44

So sorry for the typo.

pickledandpuzzled · 07/04/2023 20:01

So you have texts of him cross you are in such a state.

You have your friend's boyfriend who saw him meet you.

You may well have enough to report him.

Greenfairydust · 07/04/2023 20:06

You need to make sure you never see or talk to that man again. He is an abuser.

I would also spend some time talking to a counsellor because you seem to have a history of abusive relationships.

Predatory men are often able to spot vulnerable women who have been hurt before & lack self-esteem because they know they are easier to target as they struggle to have healthy boundaries, so you really need to break the cycle.

Do you have friends/family you can speak to and who can support you if you decide to report it?

Mammyloveswine · 07/04/2023 22:26

Oh op im so sorry. Definitely rape, you explicitly said no to the anal sex. Also you were too drunk to consent in any case and he took advantage of that!!!

And for him to still text you?! Absolute bastard!

If you feel strong enough to report please do.

Be kind to yourself.

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/04/2023 22:37

aureliala · 07/04/2023 19:33

I really don’t think I can bring myself to report it. The police wouldn’t be able to do much without evidence, would they? I can’t believe this is the same man who’s listened to me talk about being abused in a previous relationship. He’s no better.

You must. It is unlikely to just be you. Don't let him get away with this. Please give Women's Aid a call and they will help you.

aureliala · 07/04/2023 22:40

I can’t believe he texted the day after as though nothing had happened. He sees me as a possession and the anal sex was his way of dominating me I think

OP posts:
GG1986 · 07/04/2023 22:49

Sorry this has happened to you. Is it possible you could text him and say you feel he took advantage of you that night and that you clearly said no to anal and he still did it? Depending.on what he responds with, you may get evidence on text that he has raped you? X

Cakeandcardio · 07/04/2023 23:02

I'm sorry this happened to you. Think about things from his perspective. If you were him in this situation, what would you have done? It's certainly rape. If you do feel able to report him then please do. He preyed on you and took advantage when you were vulnerable. If you don't feel you can report it, then please speak to someone - even your GP and see if you can get some help to process it all. X

herlightmaterials · 08/04/2023 00:48

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/04/2023 22:37

You must. It is unlikely to just be you. Don't let him get away with this. Please give Women's Aid a call and they will help you.

I'd be careful about making a rape victim feel they must do anything when it's so hellish to go to the police and she's got no evidence. We all know what it's like. It's an abusive system. It's not her job to report about him. It's his job not to rape people.

QueenSmartypants · 08/04/2023 01:06

I'm so sorry, @aureliala . As others said it was rape and sexual assault.

You have no obligation to report it, either now or in the future, so please don't feel under any pressure to do so.

It's entirely your choice what happens next. I'd really encourage you to speak to someone though and suggest you reach out to Rape Crisis: https://rapecrisis.org.uk/

It would be a good idea to arrange STI testing when you're ready to do so and I would expect Rape Crisis would be able to help you do this and that you would be able to have testing in a safe environment with medics who are trained for treating women who've been through such experiences.

You don't have obligation to this man either, don't feel that you need to reply to him or anything.

Your only priority is your own safety and well-being. You are not to blame and not at fault, nor do you have any responsibility as to his past or possible future actions. He and he alone is responsible for those.

Flowers

Rape Crisis England & Wales

Get help and support after rape, sexual assault, sexual abuse or any form of sexual violence. We are the charity working to end sexual violence and abuse.

https://rapecrisis.org.uk

lemmein · 08/04/2023 01:37

If was most definitely rape, I'm so sorry OP Flowers

I don't know why others are telling you to report it, never mind must report it - the chances of getting a conviction is tiny, and going through the process is hell for victims. You do what you need to do, whatever feels right for you - you are under no obligation to report, this man's behaviour is not your responsibility.

idiotmagnet · 08/04/2023 01:51

aureliala · 07/04/2023 22:40

I can’t believe he texted the day after as though nothing had happened. He sees me as a possession and the anal sex was his way of dominating me I think

He did that to mess with your head and make you doubt yourself. If he's being normal then it can't have been how you think it was. It's gaslighting.
What he did was rape, and he knows it.
I'm not going to encourage you to report it because I have zero faith in the system.
But please get all the help and support you can.
Sending you all the virtual hugs in the world x