TW - was this rape? Or taking advantage?

[aureliala]

Last weekend I went on a (rare) night out and got far too drunk. Usually I don’t get into such a state but I could barely form a text message. I drunk texted my ex who I’ve recently broken up with and he was worried that I wouldn’t get home safe but my friend’s boyfriend gave me a lift back. My ex was parked outside mine when I was dropped off and he was fuming with me because I was so drunk and because I’d “ignored” him all day, until the texting.

I remember going into my house and the room spinning. I don’t remember taking my clothes off or many details of what happened. But he went from standing in my doorway saying that I shouldn’t have got into such a state, to then having sex with me. I remember being on top of him and him saying he was going to fuck me in the arse 🤦🏻‍♀️ (sorry tmi). I then remember him repeatedly fingering that, ahem, area which happened so fast I couldn’t stop it. I felt as though I was drifting in and out of sleep, but I remember kissing him and going down on him (whether he asked me to or not I really can’t remember). I was very aware that he didn’t have a condom and neither did I, so we stopped. I then remember laying on my side and him pushing his penis towards my bum and me not wanting it. I remember the pain and I remember him ejaculating. I also remember going to the bathroom afterwards and then falling asleep immediately after getting back into bed.

I woke up the next morning and he’d left for work. He was still sending me messages saying how annoyed he was that he’d not heard from me in days and then I drunk message him. But it didn’t stop him from having sex with me?

We broke up because we were arguing so much and he was borderline controlling and insecure.

@herlightmaterials You're absolutely right. I have zero faith in the police after my own experiences of DV. I just felt that this arsehole shouldn't get away with it. I hope OP is able to access the right support to help her through this.

I’ve had to tell my dd (8)that we’ve broken up today and she’s heartbroken, saying that she misses him. He’s not her dad but we’ve been together for nearly 3 years. Is this going to damage her forever? I feel so guilty.

No, your daughter will get over it, she’ll be just fine with you. He’s messed with your head so you’re doubting your judgment on everything.
I do think speaking to someone at Rape Crisis is a good idea.

I agree with the others that this was rape. I would talk to rape crisis before talking to the police. I'd say to your daughter that actually, although he seems like a nice man, he really really wasn't nice to you. You don't have to say more than that. Just don't leave her with the impression that he was a nice guy.

I stupidly confided in my brother, who has kindly told me that I’m also to blame for that night. Because I messaged him when I was drunk. Like I didn’t feel bad enough.

I didn’t invite him over. I sent him a text when I was drunk, and nowhere does it say do you want to come over. He came because he was worried I wouldn’t get home safe.

I'm so sorry that yet again, a victim is being blamed for not better managing the behaviour of an abusive man.

Your brother is an arse. Sorry.

Try not to let it spin in your head.

I can't give any advice about how to move forward but I wanted to say that I view it as rape and you did nothing to deserve it. Look after yourself and perhaps speak to a rape advice charity (I hope mumsnet will be along in a bit to suggest one).

Don’t listen to your brother, he should be enraged that his sister has been treated ike this, not blaming you. Prick 😡

Sorry but even family aren’t always supportive I was sexually assaulted and my sister told me it was because of the way I was dressed 😔 sorry this happened to you, you don’t have to report it if you don’t feel you can, I didn’t.

I have personally received victim blame from people I should have been able to trust, when I was young. I also knew many others who had been through the same. It never quite goes away.

It doesn't matter how you ended up in bed with him.... what matters is that he knows you would not consent or doesn't care that you wouldn't consent so therefore it is rape.
As this has happened before and you probably didn't report it, he is probably working on the assumption that you wont report it this time either! You need to let him know in no uncertain terms that he raped you, it is not acceptable and that you will have no contact with him again. Then block him, remove his number so you can't drunk text him again and refuse to have anything to do with him. It would be better if you reported him....

Your brother is all kinds of wrong here.

You texted drunk. We've all done it. I don't doubt he has done some ill-advised things while hammered.

It wouldn't have mattered if you had invited him over. It wouldn't have mattered I if you flirted with him and asked for sex right out. He knew you were incapable. He knew you couldn't consent.

I'm sure your brain is trying to find an explanation, because the truth is so hard to accept. You want him not to have done it on purpose or look to yourself to blame, but that's not what happened here.

You were broken up. You were drunk. He had absolutely no reason to believe that you would have wanted any of it. He definitely knew you didn't want anal.

I'm sorry. It's a shock, but he is not a nice man and he wasn't there to look after you.

''@aureliala · Today 11:42
I stupidly confided in my brother, who has kindly told me that I’m also to blame for that night. Because I messaged him when I was drunk. Like I didn’t feel bad enough.''

I am so sorry you have to deal with this type of appalling reaction.

What happened is not your fault.

I would suggest trying to contact a helpline/charity to speak to someone who can support you (it is all confidential and no one will pressure you to report it).

(trigger warning I am going to share something below about my own experience)

I was assaulted by a ''friend'' last year who I had just started dating after knowing him for 5 years. Like you I had agreed to go to his house. I initially consented to sex. Bu then withdrew consent very clearly/asked him to stop being I was not enjoying it and he was being way too rough. He did not and continued to force himself on me as I was sobbing and in pain. At this point it had become rape, no matter what had happened before.

Like you it took me a while to accept what had really happen (that my so called friend had assaulted me) and I was in complete denial. I blamed myself and felt I could not report him. I cut all contact with him.

After a couple of weeks of confusion I took the step of walking into a sexual health clinic. They immediately got me to see a specially trained nurse who deals with victims of assaults who had a long chat with me and helped me see that what had been done to me was not my fault and that it was indeed assault. They also did all the STIs checks. He must also have removed the condom against my wishes at some point and I ended up with an STI...

The sexual health clinic then put me in touch with other organisations and I received trauma counselling. I would really recommend speaking to someone independent who can help you make sense of your thoughts and feelings.

We really put stop blaming women for the behaviour of predatory men.

Oh shit, @Greenfairydust. That's horrendous. Well done for getting help. That must have been really tough.

''@lifeissweet · Today 13:26
Oh shit, @Greenfairydust. That's horrendous. Well done for getting help. That must have been really tough.''

It was a real betrayal of trust.

I also lost other friendships over this. Like the OP I confided in someone, a female friend who knew him, and their initial response was that ultimately I should share some of the blame. She changed her tune after that, but it was really a shitty thing to say. I am no longer in touch with her either.

That's the problem, isn't it?

It's an initial betrayal that you have to come to terms with made so much worse when other people betray you with that kind of nonsense.

This is why the messages we give to girls are so very damaging. It's all about protecting themselves and not putting themselves in risky situations - so the message received is 'if something happens, it's because you failed to protect yourself'

I got mugged one night waking alone in London. A man put a knife to my throat down a dark side road and I thought he was going to rape me.

When I reported it to the police, I was so embarrassed to have put myself in that situation. I was ashamed at being so stupid. (They were really good, as it happened and I was grateful.)

That really shouldn't be the overwhelming feeling when you've been attacked, but it is - and then friends and family scold you too. It's so hard not to blame yourself.

Your daughter won’t be damaged as you split up. She will be sad for a bit that someone who has been in her life isn’t now but she will get over that. You said he is controlling, it’s not healthy for her to grow up seeing an unhealthy relationship. When she’s older she will know you split up with someone who was unhealthy for you (she doesn’t have to know about the assault).

you don’t have to report if you don’t want to. The police can arrest him and bring him in for questioning, he might have a past history of this and there might be other victims. YOU DONT HAVE TO. It’s only an option if you want to.

what an awful response from your brother, at no point does texting someone give consent to being raped nor does being drunk. I suggest your brother Google’s the cup of tea analogy about consent and hangs his head in shame for being so unsupportive. Even if you had invited him over for sex WHICH YOU DIDNT you can still withdraw consent at any point! You text him, you can text people, that does not give them permission to hurt you.

your daughter will be fine, don’t feel guilt over her. Concentrate on yourself, reach out to rape crisis and look after yourself.

I’m really struggling and he’s made me feel 10x worse than I already did. He’s basically said that because I was with previously in a relationship with him that I can’t go around saying things like he raped me, when I invited him over. It makes me so angry that he’s not even listened to what I’ve said, because not once did I say I’d invited him.

If anyone told me that this happened to them I would be horrified and would do anything I could to support them. My brother is the only family member I have left who I actually get along with (or did). So this really hurts.

Nope, clearly tape in my eyes as you were not able to consent. This video by the police really sums it all up . Of course he won’t admit what he did, why would he.

your brother could do with watching this as well.

Op I'm sorry your brother let you down in such a dramatic fashion. You drunkenly asked someone over not to be violently sexually assaulted. Your brother needs to have a word with himself.

I would be having a strong word with your brother about consent. I find it really concerning that this is his attitude. It makes me wonder what he has been doing to women and what he could do in the future. His reasoning is off.

Ask him whether he would do this in your ex's situation and if not, why not?

ALL of this.

You can report, or not.

You can talk to rape crisis, or not.

You can think about it as a rape, or not.

All of these decisions are yours. As is your body.